Stories of stingiest first dates

[frtedsbed]

Just comparing experiences here at a friends ... jaw dropping stuff!

Mine asked me to transfer money for a coffee and cake after our first date which was a walk and feeding the ducks.
I thought we were going for lunch ... that was the original invite.
Another asked me to transfer money to r a takeaway having offered to pay for my child and I , as he stayed at mine every weekend. Both ended there and then !

Amen!!

Gypsy community

My friend did exactly that as the dude was, in her words - self-absorbed, far too interested in her (was excited she might be rich because she drives a Mercedes) and she thought it all seemed too much effort for an evening in NANDOS.

She told him it wasn’t going to work, got up and left.

Most women do those things for themselves. Not for men. A small percentage will do it for the benefit of men.

Taking it in turns to pay is NOT the same as splitting the bill 50/50. It is a very significant choice to alternate host/guest and therefore to keep the relationship going indefinitely. It displays generosity and creates an ongoing relationship and future. It is more like a family relationship and a good approximation of a longer term relationship.

I'm with the posters who say women should pay their way but it reminded me of someone who I had a few dates with when I was about 16-17.

He was 22 and worked full time. I had a Saturday job so I did have some money but a lot less (though obviously I didn't pay rent and bills). He made a lot of noise about being a "male feminist" and expected everything split equally but it dawned on me that he always chose what we did and was quite bombastic about it. I didn't really seem to get a say. The stuff he chose to do - go out for meals and days out at attractions- were suited to his budget but not mine. My 50% would often be all of my "income" for the week. I started pushing back and next time we went out I told him in advance I would eat first at home and just get a drink when we were out. That is what happened and he moaned and moaned about just him eating, it looks weird etc. Apparently I was "mean" because I had money but didn't want to spend it. I said I didn't expect him to pay for me but that I would choose what I spent my own money on thanks very much. My point was if I pay I also get a say!

I only saw him once after that, then I found out he was two timing me with his regular girlfriend. Male feminist my arse!

Kind of see both perspectives on the "who should pay" sides (some reasonable points both sides, also some pretty unreasonable both sides, but hey, glorious diversity is key to humanity).

Purely personal experience though:
Dating women, for all of them, we split it, or take turns, we've both kept (rough) track of who's paying for what, reckon we've both tried to pay for about 65% of the expenses, which means we've both felt really good about the experience overall, and that everything is fair and positive. Even had a couple where they did genuinely "forget their wallets", or in one case absent-mindedly wander off without paying at the end, and I would have absorbed it each time, but they always contacted me, of their own initiative, to pay back their share, or apologise and invite me to something to express appreciation and return the favour. Different people, so it wasn't just one woman with ethics.

Dating men, I've known a number (not all!) who have acted extremely tight or entitled to my money, or thoughtless, or inconsiderate, have "forgotten their wallets" but never thought to ask to reimburse me later, or who have demanded trifling sums (in one case 75p!!) for a "fair" split of costs. Also known men where their egos wouldn't allow them to say they didn't have any money, so they made a big show of insisting on paying (I offered to split or pay), and then asked for loans afterwards...

Anecdote, not data, but from my experience I do think attitudes are pretty different. Although I don't date straight women (obvious reasons), so possibly I'm avoiding a different set of issues that come up in that dynamic.

Imagine. Expecting the other person to pay the whole bill. I agree it’s terrible behaviour

I wonder if much of the debate springs from online dating, when you’ve never met the person before.

I've never been on a date with someone I hadn’t already met, so I would expect the person who invited to pay (whether male or female) which is just good hosting. If it was an internet random who was of disappointing looks or personality, I might prefer to split. But I still couldn’t bring myself to split a 2-drinks bill, that’s just deeply unattractive to me. I’d just pay it - a Coke is usually worth the price of never seeing the bloke again ime.

Utter bollocks

I’d say so.

@Moonlightandroses44 do you think men should pay the whole bill? Why would that be?

This is a truly ironic thread.

And so bizarrely proud of it…

You've really not taken ANY notice of many posts on here have you, about the inequality of men and women?! 🙄 I despair for (female) humanity!

IME, most men offer to pay, but some of it might be an age thing - I'm in my 50s. Most of them are on good money, too.

There have been dishonourable exceptions, such as the guy who said, "I could come round for Netflix and chill," and I naively said, "I don't have Netflix," then added, "and I don't invite people round to my house when I don't know them yet."
"Fair enough. What are you up to this evening?"
"Well, it's tipping down, so I thought I'd just get a takeaway and watch TV or something."
"Great! How about I meet you at the takeaway," (no, I was getting a delivery,) "and you can buy enough for both of us, then we can sit in your car," (a small Vauxhall Corsa, a point we had earlier covered for some reason, and particularly not appealing on a cold wet night,) "and after we've eaten, we could have some fun."

There was precisely nothing about this offer which appealed, especially the bit where I went to all the effort and expense for what I suspect would have been very inadequate sex.

He's probably still puzzling over why I might have blocked him...

I see a few 'why U not paying for da poor menz meals/drinks? Because 'EQUALITY...' posters have come onto the thread. How tedious. 🙄

They won't be so quick to defend MEN, when they are on maternity leave - or full time SAHM, or part time worker coz they've got a kid, and said man makes her pay 50% of EVERYTHING because EQUALITY! and after paying HER SHARE, she hasn't got a pot to piss in.

Whilst he swans around in designer gear, with his expensive tech, and his shiny car, that he drives to his man hobbies in, while she does all the the grunt work and childcare, because she's the woman, and she doesn't have a big important job like him. 🙄

I have to say I'd love to live in a world where I had so little to complain about that an expectation that I pay three quid or so for someone on a first date if I want to see them again - an expectation that I can refute, and which is by no means universal anyway - could make me this angry.

If you don't want to pay, don't pay. You probably won't see her again but if you resent spending four quid or so on her, you clearly didn't want to anyway.

What on earth makes you think women who expect a man to pay on a first date have little or nothing else to complain about/nothing bad going on in their lives? What a strange, narrow-minded, ill-informed, ignorant post.

I was talking to a guy to agree where to meet for our first date. He was very insistent that we meet halfway and rejected all my suggestions that meant he’d have to spend more time than me travelling. He claimed that wouldn’t be fair.
I explained that by the time we leave our respective homes, I would have already spent at least 30 mins more than him on doing my hair and makeup.

And that thing about men preferring us natural etc is BS. They will always prefer beauty so if a woman looks better with makeup than without they would choose makeup

That's assuming that those same posters would actually be SAHM's or work part time. I certainly wouldn't do either.

It's utterly bizarre to think that splitting the bill on a first date means that this weird confected scenario is your destiny, as if there are no intervening steps where people who get to know each other well enough to have children together discuss these things.

Also your whole "men and women aren't equal" shtick only applies to women who want to be mothers and aren't invested in continuing their careers. That's not really the norm in my social circle. It doesn't apply to child-free women, or high-earning women whose partners earn less than them, or women who are commiitted to their careers and planned how to pick up where they left off (in some cases with their husband being the one to go part-time or stay at home).

It is not any woman's fate to be a domestic drudge while their husband swans around as you describe. Inequality is not our destiny.

I’m in my 50’s, I have no desire to cohabit again and certainly past the age of producing anymore children so I find the expectation that I shouldn’t offer to pay and should expect someone whois pretty much a stranger to pay for me bizarre

Always had a joint bank account with ex H so that was never an issue.
Last guy I dated paid for drinks for the entire pub most nights out but was a complete cock.

First dates I always offer to split which is usually refused. But I tend to only have coffee/drinks first dates so alternate rounds is always my default.

An example of a date I went on : We met at a bar and then he refused to go in. He said there probably weren’t enough tables or he just didn’t like the look of that bar (or any of the other bars). He then said he just wanted to go walking. Yes, we usually called it a day after we had been walking around for 20 minutes and it became clear he would not enter any bar/restaurant.

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