Stories of stingiest first dates

[frtedsbed]

Just comparing experiences here at a friends ... jaw dropping stuff!

Mine asked me to transfer money for a coffee and cake after our first date which was a walk and feeding the ducks.
I thought we were going for lunch ... that was the original invite.
Another asked me to transfer money to r a takeaway having offered to pay for my child and I , as he stayed at mine every weekend. Both ended there and then !

First date with my ex, he offered to pay for coffee in Costa but I asked if I could scan my loyalty card. The barista said "you have 2 free coffee's on here, would you like to use them?" I sort of hesitated and ex just said "yes may as well!" I wasn't best pleased tbh!

Money ended up being one of the bigger issues in our relationship!!!

Now.....this is going back to 1991 when I was 22

I was living in London for two years in a house share with about 10 other people.

Met a rather gorgeous fella from South Africa one night at the Mean Fiddler pub who wanted to take me out for dinner

So we went out for indian the next evening, at his suggestion. First restaurant... waiter brought over the menus and when we were about to order, Mr Tightwad asks if rice is included in price. Lovely waiter explains that rice is extra. Tightwad exclaims that is BS, as it's included in price in South Africa, and flounces out. I have to flipping follow him like a puppy dog, dying of utter embarrassment!

We go to second Indian just around the corner......similar scenario....he asks if rice is included in price. Waiter says it's extra.....Tightwad exclaims to waiter that it's bullshit , but knows he just has to pay it. I am mortified

Anyway.... Lovely meal. When bill arrives he says to me 'oh I know how much you women are into women's lib over here, so you're share is £×'

I was furious at him trying to blame his stinginess on women's rights lol....but of course smiled and said that's fine (I would have been ok to pay half it was just his women's lib line that really annoyed me!)

Anyway...I continued to date him (i know i know lol) and a few weeks later it was my birthday. We were having a massive party at our house and he turned up late and exclaims 'hey ....really sorry I didn't have time to get you a present......but here's £5'....as he pulled a crumpled five pound note from his pocket lol. Not even a birthday card or rubbish bunch of flowers from local corner shop! I was furious

Anyway thankfully I found a modicum of self esteem and told him to stuff the fiver up his ass .....which in retrospect he was prob delighted about as it was more money for him lol

Also....he lived in a squat in West London, paid no rent or any bills, and earned really good money as a diesel mechanic. Used to come over to mine to watch TV, have a warm shower and do his washing lol

Yes....I was an utter idiot 😆

Thankfully I raised my standards and married the most wonderful man in the world ❤️

I pay for my friends, and I pay for the guys on my dates if I feel like it. I'm never stingy with money and I like treating people I like. The thing is, I expect the same from they guy I'm dating. It should never be an issue - who pays... and it should never be a forced transaction or a situation where paying is becoming an issue - calculator out, checking the bill. Such a passion killer. Or, like what my ex used to do - "I paid for your train ticket, transfer money to me" (I would never do that - edited - would never ask him for a 30 quid I spent on him).

Oh love of god. I have been married for 20 years with DH for 25. I have no need to show any credentials to anyone at all. DH and I met in our early 20's as students, we have always shared everything- but from each according to their ability. Sometimes that has meant me paying more, sometimes him. However women are uniquely vulnerable around childbearing and need and should be able to expect the father of their children to step up.

I had met him once briefly- he was very socially awkward but then so am I so I gave it a go. Arranged to meet at my place after work on Friday and go to a movie.

I pulled into my carpark after work and he was sitting in my carport, an hour early with his sleeping bag and swag. His mum had dropped him off as he didn’t drive. I was young and unassertive so I dresses and showered with a random strange man in my living room, drove him to the movie, let him sleep in the spare room afterwards and then dropped him off to his mum the next morning. He did pay for his movie ticket but not mine.

Good grief @Lysianthus that guy actually made money from your date 😲 I think he wins the cheapskate award!

Drinks and nibbles on a date, the bill came to £35. We both contributed £20 each in cash. The waiter brought back £5 and the guy rushed to take it.

First date in a coffee shop. I got to the till first, ordered my coffee and then turned to ask him what he wanted. Since I happened to be the first at the till I was going to pay for both. As I turned around I noticed that he had taken several steps back, to make sure I wasn’t going to assume that he’d pay for my coffee. The coffees were £2.50 each. I assumed that he didn’t want to buy me a cheap coffee because he didn’t like me, and that was fine. So I was very surprised when he asked to see me again. I said no.

Any woman who thinks she is "buying" herself decent treatment by a man by buying her own coffee is an idiot. Ok pay if you want, but you will still have to watch that man (and all men) like a hawk on the way into a relationship with him (if this is where you're heading) because deep down, most men view women as a resource. It's been pointed out that sometimes men who are happy to pay see it as buying their way closer to sex (if not immediate sex) - yes this can be the case. Also, more generally, that they now deserve other forms of intimacy, like emotional support and so on. But don't think they don't think this because you paid 3.10 in Starbucks or something.

My first date with my weak useless flaky ex (a long time ago when using cash was much more normal) he ran out of money because he'd been to the cash point for £50, bought a CD and underestimated how much a few drinks and dinner would cost. All the drinks and dinner were his suggestion. I believed it was by mistake and that he'd sincerely meant to pay but I should have paid more attention to the fact that he didn't really know what things cost and didn't really have a plan for them costing more than he'd thought - except vaguely thinking that the woman would deal with it. Those things defined how hard my life was and still is, now a single parent.
Deep down I think he knew or hoped I'd cover it. And I still do. I cover it all

Exactly! I do believe in ‘begin as you mean to carry on’.

It’s simple. Don’t expect a man to pay for you at all. Pay halves. If he has a popadumand you have a full meal, he pays for his popadum . Men paying for women was all about women not having equal pay or no pay an all. Those days are over. I’m stunned by the number of women who expect to be paid for. Of course men then expect something in return! It used to be a process of getting to know someone whilst looking for a wife. Now it’s just a process of getting someone into bed and then treating them like shit. If each person pays half no one owes anything to anyone.

Sorry all but I completely agree with this. If a man has offered to pay in advance, that's different, but why do so many of you assume that he should automatically do so? Why shouldn't you?

Feminism at its best 😂

I dated a lot at 27 between my long term partner and husband. No experience otherwise. It was insane. Men who bought dinner and expected sex. Hello, it would cost you more than £200 for a prostitute so no. Men who want to split a bill for 2 drinks. Also no. I always offered to split a decent bill ie. Dinner and drinks if it went that far or if they pay for dinner I get drinks at the bar. But anything else is just grim and I'm not doing it. I hate the assumption it's equal because hello it isn't. Life isn't equal for men and women. Also some of the absolute weirdos who want you to meet at theirs for a first date or go on a walk with no financial outlay. This was pre COVID so no excuse. No. My time is valuable and that doesn't make me a sex worker or high maintenance.

So the man’s time isn’t valuable ? Why should he pay for your time but not the other way around? Why are men and women not equal?

I know right, women thinking they should be paid for simply as they are female. Complaining men are stingy if they won’t pay for them, but missing the total irony of them not even wanting to pay for themselves.

someone even wrote they need to show their provider credentials. Like we were back in the 50s and women were domestic servants to be paid for.

Neither party comes out well of that weird Reddit example:
”I got a cup of soup and a glass of milk, and floated off when the cashier asked me to pay (after first looking at him all confused)”

The repeated floating off and confusion turns my stomach. I imagine a woman who thinks “pretty don’t pay” and all that weird transactional shit. Andrew Tate’s wet dream.

I don’t think splitting a bill is stingy and I always insisted on first dates. Personally I prefer turn taking, with friends too, but a first date may be a last and I preferred to pay my way. Why do men have to pay?

Assuming someone isn’t stony broke, stingy for me would be not tipping good service; choosing cheap places and options when he’s paying and not when I am. Keeping count of exact relative spend, - if it’s my turn to pay for coffee with a friend and I’m hungry I’ll get something and encourage her to too and I wouldn’t be worried about the fact it was just two coffees on her “turn”. Stingy is shitty gifts but asking for nice things for their own birthday or Christmas. Cocklodging is stingy.

I think expecting men to pay on dates is stingy. It’s also regressive and harks back to the days when ladies had little jobs and pin money before they married and men had proper jobs; ladies played hard to get and men obtained access to sex with ladies by treating them like Ladies in a perverse faux reversal of the real power dynamic. If you like a man and fancy him, why does he have to pay for your drinks food and activities when you are out together? It’s fucking weird.

But then I’ve never thought of myself as a lady. I’m a woman and a capable one. As I’m straight I want a male partner for companionship, love, and sex, not as a paying patron.

It’s equal for me.

I think this is fine and not cheap at all! Love a man with an expense account 😆

I used to think that generosity with money means generosity with love, but I don’t know anymore

They're not correlated. At least not that way round. The love has to come first for the generosity to mean anything.

The more you love someone the more you want to treat them. Not everyone places importance on gifts per se, but after a few months, once you've got to know each other, you should certainly expect some form of generosity.

Expecting it on a first date is just weird to me. If a man is generous on a first date, he's being generous to a generic idea of women, or a woman-shaped hole in his life - not to me as an individual, whom he doesn't actually know. At best he's generous because he wants to fuck me. His generosity says nothing at all about his capacity for loving me.

Or it says he's so rich that two restaurant dinners is just pocket change to him, which also doesn't tell me anything about his character.

There are just a million better and more meaningful ways for a man to impress you on a first date.

More classic Mumsnet double standards.

Unnecessary and nasty.

It's fascinating when men come on here pretending to be women and think they can barrage us into believing their delusional version of reality over our experience of the world we live in every day. The stereotype of the basement-dwelling incel who never goes outside or interacts offline appears to be absolutely true!

Unbelievable, isn't it? 🤦🏼‍♀️

The thing is that if a man asks you to go out for a coffee, say, and then sits on his hands so that you not only pay for your own coffee, you pay for his as well, it's not really the best way to get another date is it? The actual money isn't important. I don't think any woman is wanting to go on a date to get a free cup of coffee.

This one wasn't me but a friend from my gym. She was very keen to get married and have children but had very bad luck with men. Started OLD and made contact with a bloke who suggested they went for a drink in a nearby pub. She turned up and he was sitting at a table with no drink. He announced he'd forgotten his wallet so she politely bought a drink for both of them. Very little conversation so after a few mins downed hers and started to make her excuses to leave.

His response: "can we go and have sex in my car?" She looked at him astounded and he helpfully added "it's right outside in the car park" as if that would clinch the deal!