Page 10 | Stories of stingiest first dates

frtedsbed · 2024-02-29T15:02:31+00:00

Just comparing experiences here at a friends ... jaw dropping stuff! Mine asked me to transfer money for a coffee and cake after our first date which was a walk and feeding the ducks. I thought we were going for lunch ... that was the original invite. Another asked me to transfer money to r a takeaway having offered to pay for my child and I , as he stayed at mine every weekend. Both ended there and then !

Soarkle · 29/02/2024 21:42

That's fine. I will pay but will not go on a second date. It's okay for me to have my standards. I have no interest in dating anyone tbf, and I'd rather be alone forever with just my ddog then settle for "he will do"

but I don’t understand why standards involve a stranger paying for you? Can you not pay for yourself? Why does that make him good? And does that not make you bad?

All the women on here declaring men should pay on the first date and then bemoaning when they expect them to do all the childcare/ housework. It’s literally what you’re demanding. Sex stereotypes? Man provides, woman does. Move on

it’s baffling to me.

LindaHamilton · 29/02/2024 21:45

Jennyjojo5 · 29/02/2024 15:43

Date with a relatively wealthy guy (just drinks as I don’t do dinner for first dates, in case I don’t like the person). Throughout the date he said multiple times that he wants to see me for a second date, when am I free etc etc. then when the bill came he told the waiter to split it. He had a coke and I had had a glass of wine! When we left, he tried to hold my hand as we walked out back to our cars, then said again how much he’d like to see me again..

i blocked him the min I got home.. stingy as hell

to be honest if I liked him that wouldn't bother me really. He probably thought he'd offend you by paying the full amount with the 'feminists' today, you can't win...

trainboundfornowhere · 29/02/2024 21:45

We met at 11am on a Tuesday morning in a coffee shop in the middle of town. I got there first so I bought myself a coffee and grabbed a seat. When he arrived he bought himself a coffee and joined me. 11.30am he bought himself a sandwich without even saying he was getting food or asking if I wanted anything. He then had to get the 1pm train back as his dad was bored waiting. His dad had come on the 20 minute train journey into the city with him to keep an eye on him. He was 27 and we didn’t meet again.

LindaHamilton · 29/02/2024 21:47

Soarkle · 29/02/2024 21:42

That's fine. I will pay but will not go on a second date. It's okay for me to have my standards. I have no interest in dating anyone tbf, and I'd rather be alone forever with just my ddog then settle for "he will do"

but I don’t understand why standards involve a stranger paying for you? Can you not pay for yourself? Why does that make him good? And does that not make you bad?

All the women on here declaring men should pay on the first date and then bemoaning when they expect them to do all the childcare/ housework. It’s literally what you’re demanding. Sex stereotypes? Man provides, woman does. Move on

it’s baffling to me.

I agree with this. Women on mn go mad about gender roles/stereotyping and yet there's a thread here full of it.

Moonlightandroses44 · 29/02/2024 21:47

HandsomeGreige · 29/02/2024 18:53

As a woman, you will be extremely vulnerable if you choose to live a heterosexual life and procreate. Extremely. Whether you take the shortest maternity leave you can or maintain your career- you are carrying those babies and taking the hit. It’s inescapable.

You need to be looked after. You will need to be treasured and valued for the amazing uniquely female thing that you can do. You also should be wanting a father who demonstrates this generosity, kindness and grace to your children.

A man who is apparently seeking a long term relationship, who won’t buy you a glass of wine on your first date is not a kind, generous man. And that’s what it comes down to. You really want to risk derailing your career for a cheapskate loser?

Men who take women on ‘walk dates’ in 5 degree weather like dogs and won’t pick up a 2 drink bill need to be removed from the gene pool. Losers.

And women shag them and get upset later on when they are shit dads and romantic partners who don’t care about making anyone feel special and loved.

and if they can’t afford it? They can’t afford to be dating. How is he going to do nice things with you, go on holidays and pay half the bills if he can’t buy a Nando’s on the first date.

You can get the bill next time if you want- but the first day is for them to dance and peacock, as it is in the wild. If they don’t want to demonstrate kindness, by grabbing a couple of fucking coffees- run.

This. It is a complete fallacy to insist on ‘50:50’ when dating when both basic human biology and society in general, are not set up in this way.

Let’s think about who ‘50:50’ benefits the most for a minute.

oh yes. It’s men.

LindaHamilton · 29/02/2024 21:49

trainboundfornowhere · 29/02/2024 21:45

We met at 11am on a Tuesday morning in a coffee shop in the middle of town. I got there first so I bought myself a coffee and grabbed a seat. When he arrived he bought himself a coffee and joined me. 11.30am he bought himself a sandwich without even saying he was getting food or asking if I wanted anything. He then had to get the 1pm train back as his dad was bored waiting. His dad had come on the 20 minute train journey into the city with him to keep an eye on him. He was 27 and we didn’t meet again.

WTF? Was he mentally challenged or what? Hid dad coming to keep an eye on him at 27??

pikkumyy77 · 29/02/2024 21:52

Dating is a complex procedure: both parties are trying to understand who the other person is. My now DH and I met while I was basically speed dating 12 responders to my advert. I kept it simple and paid for myself for the first date but pretty soon each party tries to extend the date or create a friendly/more intimate relationship by offering to pay and switching back and forth. Its normal for each person —whatever sex—to offer to pay to impress or reassure the date. Having spare money and being generous is a good sign for the relationship as financial stress and stinginess are both bad for couples and families.

This is really not that complicated nor is it shameful to acknowledge that dating (for more than a mere sex partner) includes a healthy dose of economic thought. The nuclear family is also a household economy. Children, partners, elderly all need financial support and dating behavior is the first clue as to how new person X will handle things: expenses, wait staff, disasters, pleasures, etc…

trainboundfornowhere · 29/02/2024 21:53

LindaHamilton · 29/02/2024 21:49

WTF? Was he mentally challenged or what? Hid dad coming to keep an eye on him at 27??

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He didn’t come across as mentally challenged and he never admitted to anything.

Notamum12345577 · 29/02/2024 21:54

VampireWeekday · 29/02/2024 19:34

Why? It's condescending to assume that you're richer than I am just because you're a man.

I think it's fine to offer, to be clear, but I don't think it's gendered. If I was dating a woman or man I would offer, because as someone said above you are trying to show that you value their time and want to spend more time with them.

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It isn’t to do with being seen to be richer. I think it is chivalrous. Obviously if the date says she wants to go half, as some do, the guy should accept that.

LindaHamilton · 29/02/2024 21:57

trainboundfornowhere · 29/02/2024 21:53

He didn’t come across as mentally challenged and he never admitted to anything.

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If a 27 year old man told me that his father was with him to keep an eye on him/supervise him I'd think he was mentally challenged or that there was some sort of backstory. Bizarre.

PingvsPong · 29/02/2024 21:57

Jennyjojo5 · 29/02/2024 17:12

Your mum is absolutely right. And considering that most women in relationships work full or part time, do the majority of childcare and housework and emotional labour, it’s absolutely right that a man should pay for a date right upfront at the beginning 😀

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Not sure how old you are but with OLD these days people can go for several dates a week, why should a man pay for all of them? They're not ALL going to be his maid/mother of his children/etc. And by your reasoning, a man paying can expect all those things. Yuck no thanks.

LindaHamilton · 29/02/2024 22:00

Notamum12345577 · 29/02/2024 21:54

It isn’t to do with being seen to be richer. I think it is chivalrous. Obviously if the date says she wants to go half, as some do, the guy should accept that.

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But doesn't been chivalrous offend the feminist nowadays? Or is feminism only applied when suited?

Moonlightandroses44 · 29/02/2024 22:01

PingvsPong · 29/02/2024 21:57

Not sure how old you are but with OLD these days people can go for several dates a week, why should a man pay for all of them? They're not ALL going to be his maid/mother of his children/etc. And by your reasoning, a man paying can expect all those things. Yuck no thanks.

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And this just sums up the entire issue with modern day dating.

yes if he’s only after casual sex and nothing serious, why should he have to pay! JFC.

LindaHamilton · 29/02/2024 22:03

Moonlightandroses44 · 29/02/2024 21:47

This. It is a complete fallacy to insist on ‘50:50’ when dating when both basic human biology and society in general, are not set up in this way.

Let’s think about who ‘50:50’ benefits the most for a minute.

oh yes. It’s men.

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Many men earn peanuts and are in no better position than women, just because men dominate top jobs and earn better this still doesn't apply to all the 4 billion males on the planet.

EchoChamber · 29/02/2024 22:06

LindaHamilton · 29/02/2024 22:03

Many men earn peanuts and are in no better position than women, just because men dominate top jobs and earn better this still doesn't apply to all the 4 billion males on the planet.

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Exactly. I feel really sorry for good men who don’t earn a lot. What hope is there for them?

Moonlightandroses44 · 29/02/2024 22:07

LindaHamilton · 29/02/2024 22:03

Many men earn peanuts and are in no better position than women, just because men dominate top jobs and earn better this still doesn't apply to all the 4 billion males on the planet.

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Yeah and that’s fine but I’m not bothered about dating them or procreating with them because they’re not offering anything I can’t provide for myself and probably with a lot less stress.

the thing is as well it isn’t a money issue per se. It’s a mindset and attitude issue. If a man can’t demonstrate some generosity in the early stages of dating, is he going to later down the line? Am I going to feel safe with him?

probably not.

Moonlightandroses44 · 29/02/2024 22:08

EchoChamber · 29/02/2024 22:06

Exactly. I feel really sorry for good men who don’t earn a lot. What hope is there for them?

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I hardly think they’re struggling, I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

ItalianBike · 29/02/2024 22:09

My first husband took me to blockbuster then held back at the counter so I'd pay. Yuk.

PingvsPong · 29/02/2024 22:09

Moonlightandroses44 · 29/02/2024 22:01

And this just sums up the entire issue with modern day dating.

yes if he’s only after casual sex and nothing serious, why should he have to pay! JFC.

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There's no point in arguing with you, you have expressed your views lots already on this thread but I'll bite...

My opinion is more nuanced than simply who pays. I agree with @pikkumyy77 that generosity and economics are very important. DH does not pinch pennies, argue over who pays for whoever gets their card out first/ has money in the 'spend' account pays.

@Moonlightandroses44 you're either judgemental or ignorant in presuming men just want casual sex when in reality, either party may simply not want to continue after the first date! They have never met each other in person, know nothing beyond some messages and photos online. Why do you think one party should go all out to impress the other. When they could get not even a text back after it? We're not even talking about sex.

Meeting someone organically is different, you already know each other, the first date is a genuine attempt to impress someone as a potential partner. Not the initial fact finding mission, which is what online dating is.

I always make it clear I pay for myself upfront. When we get to know each other better I expect some generosity and thoughtfulness but nothing before that. It's not rational also some guy throwing money at a woman he's just only met... well... there's a name for that isn't there?

I think over the course of interactions you get to know people and they're far more complex than to be shoved in a box of 'didn't pay strike off'. Doesn't really matter though. They'll find someone else.

MotherofAllMatriarchs · 29/02/2024 22:11

The fella who asked me to a gig (think it was the third date or so) and then asked me to transfer him £12.50 for my ticket.

Wouldn’t have minded if money was tight but he was a young guy with a very good job working in tech! Put me right off!

Orab · 29/02/2024 22:11

EchoChamber · 29/02/2024 22:06

Exactly. I feel really sorry for good men who don’t earn a lot. What hope is there for them?

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Can't say it's any concern of mine whether "good men" who I don't know and certainly don't have any responsibility towards get laid or not.

EchoChamber · 29/02/2024 22:12

So it’s all about sex for you and not a long term relationship or love?

LindaHamilton · 29/02/2024 22:14

Moonlightandroses44 · 29/02/2024 22:08

I hardly think they’re struggling, I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

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Why wouldn't men not earning a lot struggle? Does having a penis make you immune to being broke?>

Oh sorry I forgot that if you are a man on mn that men are the enemy remember.

If they walk behind you they are terrifying you,
if they want to be sensible with cash they are financially abusive,
if they are pissed of over something they are bullies,
if a group of men socializes together they are being misogynistic and spend their time belittling women and just talking about women, nothing else.
if any double standard against men is called out on mn or a poster is being nasty to one it's ok as men have caused all the problems in the world since time began so every man must pay,

6.if they are white they are very privileged and live in a mansion...
7.If they chat to a woman in any way they are creeps.
8.if they leave a dirty cup out then LTB.

Moonlightandroses44 · 29/02/2024 22:15

PingvsPong · 29/02/2024 22:09

There's no point in arguing with you, you have expressed your views lots already on this thread but I'll bite...

My opinion is more nuanced than simply who pays. I agree with @pikkumyy77 that generosity and economics are very important. DH does not pinch pennies, argue over who pays for whoever gets their card out first/ has money in the 'spend' account pays.

@Moonlightandroses44 you're either judgemental or ignorant in presuming men just want casual sex when in reality, either party may simply not want to continue after the first date! They have never met each other in person, know nothing beyond some messages and photos online. Why do you think one party should go all out to impress the other. When they could get not even a text back after it? We're not even talking about sex.

Meeting someone organically is different, you already know each other, the first date is a genuine attempt to impress someone as a potential partner. Not the initial fact finding mission, which is what online dating is.

I always make it clear I pay for myself upfront. When we get to know each other better I expect some generosity and thoughtfulness but nothing before that. It's not rational also some guy throwing money at a woman he's just only met... well... there's a name for that isn't there?

I think over the course of interactions you get to know people and they're far more complex than to be shoved in a box of 'didn't pay strike off'. Doesn't really matter though. They'll find someone else.

Edited

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Please stop likening men buying a woman dinner to prostitution. Come on. It’s not ‘throwing money’ at a woman to take her out and treat her nicely so she feels valued and cared for.

and I agree with you to an extent, but I think OLD is literally the absolute pits. I hate what it’s done in society. Dating has become a toxic shit show. All dating should be a genuine attempt to impress, and not this weird ‘game’ where no one is invested, is constantly looking for something better, and uses it as an excuse to treat people as if they’re almost subhuman. The whole thing is demoralising and dehumanising.

Orab · 29/02/2024 22:16

EchoChamber · 29/02/2024 22:12

So it’s all about sex for you and not a long term relationship or love?

I'm not talking about me. I'm discussing the poor dear men and the outrageous discrimination they face from women who may say no to them, all of their own volition, despite dozens of posts on this thread telling them they're wrong. Imagine!