Her phone is splitting us up

[Mydentity101]

Hello..

My partner (54) and myself (51) have an issue. Her phone habits are starting to raise concerns with me about trust. We've een an item three years, we live apart and spend our weekends together. It's a good relationship apart from this problem.

Notifications are off, ringer is on silent. She turns a subtle angle away from me when using it I've noticed. Told me her dog had sat on her last phone and cracked the screen (explaining why this one was kept face down). Hardly ever takes an actual phone call but can't seem to leave it alone, it's ALWAYS next to her. I leave mine wherever I happen to leave it.

I'm struggling to understand why she doesn't want to hear an incoming call or text coming through, given the above? I'm feeling a little stupid asking to be honest.

A year ago I convinced myself that my eyes were fooling me, after seeing what I recognized as a man's name, flash up on the screen (without the phone ringing of course). She didn't take the call but seemed noticeably flustered. Said it was her female friend's name and I'd been mistaken. I didn't believe her and we had words. After being called paranoid and told I was seeing things I decided maybe she was right, let it go and moved on.

But I've had this weird, unsettling feeling since. I've kept my own counsel and tried my best to enjoy our relationship. But that sinking feeling hasn't gone anywhere.

We had a chat about the issue last weekend, it wasn't in our original plans but was obviously needed. She repeatedly said she had nothing to hide, would never mess me around. I showed her my own phone's contacts list and asked if she'd have any problems doing the same?

She point blank refused. "It's an invasion of my privacy, it's MY phone, you're being controlling etc. I was pretty shocked but didn't bother to argue the toss. I left for home instead. She's me called several times since but I don't know what to say right now, I'm uncomfortable with what's happened.

I think I should point out here, I've never once felt a need to snoop on her phone, never would.

I'm wondering whether this is one serious red flag or am I doing something wrong?

Thank you

I'd go with your gut. One of the signs my H was cheating was that one of my ex picked up his phone and passed it over saying 'you've got a message dad' and he immediately twisted the screen away from me almost like an instinct.

It's not her phone is it, it's the fact you think she is cheating on you. You don't trust her. It sounds like you're both better off moving on whether she's cheating or not.

I agree. You don’t trust her, if that’s because she is untrustworthy or because you just don’t trust her doesn’t really matter because the outcome is a relationship without trust.

So what if it's a man's name? Can she not know any other man?

And even if I were totally innocent of any perceived 'wrongdoing', like hell would I show you my phone contacts. Not your business

I don't think YABU in asking to see her contacts, I'd let my husband see mine, however I don't feel it's an invasion of privacy. Others would and your girlfriend is one if them, so you are not compatible in this respect.

If you cannot move on from this on her word alone, then you don't trust her and the relationship has run its course.

Blimey if a man was refusing to show his girlfriend or wife his phone and it's entire history MN would be screaming LTB!
I do think you have reason to be concerned OP - the hiding phone face flat and refusing to show you her contacts (and actually over reacting and gaslighting you in the process).
You may be being overly anxious and this has led to mis=trust - but - IF you have discussed this with her - and instead of re-assuring you that you have nothing to worry about - she is screaming at you that you are invading her privacy and calling you controlling than I think she's telling you all you need to know.

Bearing in mind, my ex asked to see my messages with someone he was jealous of. I let him, twice, I also let him word search it. He then just said "well that doesn't prove anything because you could have deleted the messages". And that's true. I hadn't- but I couldn't offer anything other than my word. He suspected me once because I swiped through my ring doorbell footage too quickly. Another time because someone had been in my car and I'd forgotten when he asked. Etc.

He didn't have intuition (I wasn't cheating in any way), he had trust issues.

But this showed up everywhere for him - he would take things badly with colleagues, he didn't have close friends, if an item was missing from our delivery he would assume the delivery person stole it. He just didn't trust anyone.

I would say if you've never had this in a relationship before and you have managed good relationships before (of any kind) then your intuition may well be right. If you have suspicions about people generally or feel this way in relationships generally then you may well have trust issues.

Either way, I don't see how you're going to build a strong and healthy relationship here.

I think the writing is on the wall: It’s not working. For some reason (possibly a valid one), there’s no trust. Sounds unhappy and not the right relationship for either of you.

I'm with you here.

Surely she's going to have men in her contacts OP, how will you feel about that?

Actually, I think YABU.

Both DH and I live with our phones on silent. We've raised our teens to do the same, with only emergency contacts being "loud"

I'd never show DH my phone, work or personal, and vice versa.

I have MASSIVE trust issues, but I do with everyone so I know I can't trust "intuition".

If you're feeling like this, your relationship is over. Not because of potentially her cheating, but because you're looking into things that to many people don't have any issue at all

I twist my phone away a lot and its never been because of cheating. I just hate people seeing what I'm doing on my phone.

Listen to your gut. It’s your second brain.
If your gut is telling you something’s not right, it’s probably true.

So, you either snoop for proof and then what would you do with it or you give it all up regardless. You don’t trust her! End of!
Decisions, decisions.

This doesn't sound like a healthy, happy relationship. But from what you've described, I don't think on the face of it, there is anything amiss in her behaviour around her phone. I am younger than your partner, so more of the 'on phone all the time' generation.

My phone is ALWAYS on silent, and I generally turn off all notifications - because they annoy me and I hate it dinging and interrupting me. If I want to check it, I will. The only notifications I actually have coming through are things where people actually do need to reach me in an emergency. I regularly see calls come through and don't answer but will look to see who is calling - and then ignore them. I'd be pretty pissed off if my husband wanted to snoop in my phone or see my contacts list. There is nothing remotely to see in there, but it smacks of having no trust - which would make sense if someone had cheated or broken your trust - but if that has never happened, it's quite controlling behaviour.

But it would also lead to all sorts of other issues, I'm sure. If your partner is anything like me, she will have all sorts of people in her contacts. I have 'Javier' the Airbnb guy from when I took a trip to Spain 4 years ago and had trouble accessing the flat. I have John, who I bought a horse off of 2 years ago. And I have Luke, who is the farmer several villages over who I had to call in to emergency cut a hay field last summer. In fact, I accidentally called Luke last week trying to pay for my bloody car parking while juggling two kids and all their shit. It would look super dodgy! I can assure you that Luke did not answer and we are most certainly not having an affair.

But this isn't anyway to live and I don't think this is a healthy relationship for either of you to be in.

My phones on silent all the time, I put it face down all the time, notifications are off.

So is my daughters phone. I always take my phone with me too.

I only take phone calls from family and wouldn’t pick up to a friend on a evening if I was out or busy.

I also go on my phone a lot.

Im not cheating and I’d be pissed off if my husband asked to go through my contacts … what for? Having a man’s name in my contact list isn’t going to prove anything. I have several in there from work alone!

You have some sort of paranoid jealousy.
What would looking through contacts tell you anyway - is she not allowed to associate with males in any capacity?
Have you deleted all females from your phone - no contact with colleagues or female friends???

I hate intrusion of notifications. I mostly don’t answer phone calls, unless from family. Others i return on my own time.
I won’t be showing my phone to anyone despite not hiding anything.

Leave her or get help.

Could you all be more hypocritical if you tried? If this was a woman..ffs.

OP. People are defensive if they have something to defend.
If she won't let you see her phone to put your mind at rest, that should ring alarm bells.

I can't think of a good reason that anyone looking at my phone would invade my privacy in my family.

I also agree with this but he still doesn't have a right to go through her phone or her contacts

It is absolute nonsense that people are defensive if they have something to hide.
If a partner says he does not believe me demands to see my phone - to me the relationship is over.
I won’t be with someone who treats me with no respect - only because i have my notifications off.

If there were some valid reason for jealousy - i can’t think of an example, but lets assume i understood why he’d think Person X was giving me too much attention - in that case i would show messages with Person X. To help him see that there is nothing.

But demanding invasion of privacy to quell irrational jealousy - it’s a no.
Plus - looking at the phone won’t help. An irrational person then would assume phone was cleared and would continue with suspicions.
It’ll end anyway

The phone isn't the problem. It's that you don't trust her. To me, my phone is like my diary. My phone is private. I have nothing to hide, but I would not want my dh looking at it, and I don't feel the need to look at his. We trust each other. I think you need to have another chat with her.

If you have a feeling in your gut that someone is cheating on you, then they probably are. Leave before you drive yourself bananas.

To the posters above saying she is allowed to have other men in her contact list - of course she is! What is suspicious is that she pretended the male contact was a female contact. People don’t typically hide who they’re speaking to unless they have a reason to.

Has she always been the same, Op?

If so, I'd say that's just her phone habits and nothing to be concerned about. However if her habits have changed, then there's likely a reason for it. The reason could be that she's keeping something from you, or it could be that she's sensed you like to know what's happening in her phone and she's instictively hiding it from you.

Some people say that she shouldn't have to show you her phone. Whilst she doesn't have to - I would still ask why.

If my DH wanted to see my phone because he thought I was up to no good, and I was innocent, I wouldn't hesitate to show him and prove him wrong. I may decide the relationship is already over because he doesn't trust me, but I'd definitely show him the phone - if only to show the end of the relationship was on him (and to now give him the satisfaction of thinking he must have been right).

There is no benefit to refusing to share her phone and yet still staying with you. Either you're happy to show your phone contents, or you're angry at being asked and there is a serious issue to resolve.

Do you want to run your relationship according to making sure that everybody is ticking the 'right' box, or do you want to run it according to what you like and feel comfortable with.

She could start going clubbing and getting in a 3am every morning... would she be doing anything 'wrong'? No. Would you be comfortable with it?

I agree with this, and I've been in a relationship with someone who was totally paranoid (see above). The only explanation I can think of is that OP is generally a very jealous person and she just doesn't want the argument. But even if that were true the relationship should end. OP probably knows within himself if he has a hard time trusting or if he feels her behaviour has genuinely changed.

My phone is permanently on silent, it's how I like it. I twist my screen sometimes so DP doesn't realise how much of my life I waste on Mumsnet. I'd be pissed if he asked to see my contacts. I'm not cheating.

Well, yes, if you want to be that dramatic about it..

I'm sure if a logical person explained their worries and concerns and their partner wanted to reciprocate to ease any issues and acknowledge how the other person may be feeling because of their actions, or perceived actions then it wouldn't be so dramatic..