Her phone is splitting us up

[Mydentity101]

Hello..

My partner (54) and myself (51) have an issue. Her phone habits are starting to raise concerns with me about trust. We've een an item three years, we live apart and spend our weekends together. It's a good relationship apart from this problem.

Notifications are off, ringer is on silent. She turns a subtle angle away from me when using it I've noticed. Told me her dog had sat on her last phone and cracked the screen (explaining why this one was kept face down). Hardly ever takes an actual phone call but can't seem to leave it alone, it's ALWAYS next to her. I leave mine wherever I happen to leave it.

I'm struggling to understand why she doesn't want to hear an incoming call or text coming through, given the above? I'm feeling a little stupid asking to be honest.

A year ago I convinced myself that my eyes were fooling me, after seeing what I recognized as a man's name, flash up on the screen (without the phone ringing of course). She didn't take the call but seemed noticeably flustered. Said it was her female friend's name and I'd been mistaken. I didn't believe her and we had words. After being called paranoid and told I was seeing things I decided maybe she was right, let it go and moved on.

But I've had this weird, unsettling feeling since. I've kept my own counsel and tried my best to enjoy our relationship. But that sinking feeling hasn't gone anywhere.

We had a chat about the issue last weekend, it wasn't in our original plans but was obviously needed. She repeatedly said she had nothing to hide, would never mess me around. I showed her my own phone's contacts list and asked if she'd have any problems doing the same?

She point blank refused. "It's an invasion of my privacy, it's MY phone, you're being controlling etc. I was pretty shocked but didn't bother to argue the toss. I left for home instead. She's me called several times since but I don't know what to say right now, I'm uncomfortable with what's happened.

I think I should point out here, I've never once felt a need to snoop on her phone, never would.

I'm wondering whether this is one serious red flag or am I doing something wrong?

Thank you

@Mydentity101
...and you have the same reasoning as paranoid controllers do.

Men like you never just stop. There never is enough "proof". Your dumping of her (literally over nothing) is an attempt to punish her non-compliance. I say "attempt" because I hope she'll experience it as a relief instead.

I'm one of the many women with phone on silent, notifications off and Whatsapp chats muted.
I'm also one of the many women who have experienced pathological jealousy in relationships. The phone is the beginning. In the end, I couldn't buy two drinks in a coffee shop or go out for a jog alone as all of that was followed by questioning and then "dumping" if I didn't engage.
Rather unsurprisingly, I married the least possessive man of them all - I used to go to the gym and on nights out by myself all the time, whilst he looked after the children. Then, at other times, we switched.
He never had the irrational need to look at my phone and I never cared for his.

I have no time for controlling psychos, whether it a man or a woman. One woman is currently suspended and facing the sack at work, as her irrational jealousy towards her boyfriend is starting to affect colleagues. I hope he sees the light when she's gone!

You're taking my break up too personally lol..

Chill out.. Nobody's arguing with you.

Cherchez l'homme

The reason you're getting such harsh responses OP is because this is very much how a controlling partner would act - the demanding to see the phone and then ending the relationship as punishment when the other won't comply.

No one here can really see your relationship from the inside so won't know if she's been 'suspicious' or not.

None of your updates in the thread come across as particularly unusual from my perspective because I'd take the same stance as her - I have male friends. If they called me and my partner's response was to ask to see all our messages I'd absolutely say no, because I have a right to privacy and I would hope he'd trust me. Once you start looking through one another's phones it's like Pandora's box, and when would it end? That would be my view.

You were right to end the relationship. Not healthy for either of you.

Same reasons a cheat would give too.
Quite, because it's a good point and you can't argue with it.
Like I say, you can't control people. Attempting to do so will leave you even more frustrated, looking bad, and feeling low self-esteem as a result.

Yesh, that's why I opted for peace of mind over uncertainty, because I've no wish to "control" anyone. If I'm uncomfortable it's upto me how I respond to it. How many suspicious wives are encouraged by others on here to "snoop" through their husband's phone?!

People are quite aware that a cheat will hide behind the violation of privacy angle too. As you mentioned, it's not an easy point to argue against is it?

I'd rather be single than unhappily attached any day of the week!

Peace at last..

It's a proper relief people have now moved on, the thread was beginning to bore me silly lol. In case someone happens upon this by chance I'm no longer involved with said female, have no further interest in that chapter of my past and am positively thriving, thank God.

To anyone who pitched in thanks for taking the time. Even those less than diplomatic with their choice of words, the same applies. Nothing's taken personally here.

Best