Her phone is splitting us up

[Mydentity101]

Hello..

My partner (54) and myself (51) have an issue. Her phone habits are starting to raise concerns with me about trust. We've een an item three years, we live apart and spend our weekends together. It's a good relationship apart from this problem.

Notifications are off, ringer is on silent. She turns a subtle angle away from me when using it I've noticed. Told me her dog had sat on her last phone and cracked the screen (explaining why this one was kept face down). Hardly ever takes an actual phone call but can't seem to leave it alone, it's ALWAYS next to her. I leave mine wherever I happen to leave it.

I'm struggling to understand why she doesn't want to hear an incoming call or text coming through, given the above? I'm feeling a little stupid asking to be honest.

A year ago I convinced myself that my eyes were fooling me, after seeing what I recognized as a man's name, flash up on the screen (without the phone ringing of course). She didn't take the call but seemed noticeably flustered. Said it was her female friend's name and I'd been mistaken. I didn't believe her and we had words. After being called paranoid and told I was seeing things I decided maybe she was right, let it go and moved on.

But I've had this weird, unsettling feeling since. I've kept my own counsel and tried my best to enjoy our relationship. But that sinking feeling hasn't gone anywhere.

We had a chat about the issue last weekend, it wasn't in our original plans but was obviously needed. She repeatedly said she had nothing to hide, would never mess me around. I showed her my own phone's contacts list and asked if she'd have any problems doing the same?

She point blank refused. "It's an invasion of my privacy, it's MY phone, you're being controlling etc. I was pretty shocked but didn't bother to argue the toss. I left for home instead. She's me called several times since but I don't know what to say right now, I'm uncomfortable with what's happened.

I think I should point out here, I've never once felt a need to snoop on her phone, never would.

I'm wondering whether this is one serious red flag or am I doing something wrong?

Thank you

I don't know what's going on in your relationship but I will say I keep my phone on silent, I have most notifications switched off, I always keep my phone with me, and I don't like people taking my phone and poking around in it. I have literally nothing to hide (except a surprising lot of photos of cats, trees and cloud formations) but if I had to give someone my phone for them to go through my messages to see if I were cheating, I would let them do it and then I would tell them to go fuck themselves.

I'm with you, OP.

I do keep my phone/notifications on silent, but I'm not married to it, don't drag it around with me everywhere, don't get flustered if a message/call shows up, can answer the call whenever/wherever. I have male friends, but that's what they are - friends - so I have no problem talking with them on the phone when my OH is around.

My first serious partner was like yours. Glued to his phone, screen turned, always banging on about 'privacy' even though I expressed no wishes to see his phone. Carried it with him everywhere, bathroom included. Kept screen down. Never let me use it. I was very young and trusted him. Until once he forgot his phone in a room and went to take a long bath. After a while someone was calling (the phone was on silent), man's name flashed on screen. They persisted on calling, so I answered, wanting to tell them to call back later. It was a woman, not a man. He ran out of bath and went ballistic, shouting about 'disrespecting his privacy'.

Overlong story short, he cheated on me left, right and center, even with one of my so called 'friends'. I dumped him, the end.

I don't need to see anyone's phone or contacts list. But if a person is secretive and nervy around it - that's a problem. Why so nervous, if you genuinely have nothing to hide? No one's asking you to show your diary.

I would say that if she was in contact with another man, how hard would it be for her to tell him not to contact her at weekends? But however innocent, her attachment to her phone is a problem for YOU, and you are entitled to ask her not not have it in her hand at all times.

If she can't leave it alone - excluding on-point-of-death elderly relatives or very young children away from home - she's got a problem with phone use and you don't like it.

I'd do the ultimatum thing. I agree with those above. Some are saying she's cheating, others are saying the relationship lacks trust.

I think either way, the relationship is over... so, really, you have an easy 'out'. Simply ask to see her phone. Say you have legitimate concerns, and if she doesn't hand it over, the relationship is over.

If she doesn't hand it over, she is more than likely hiding something. If she does hand it over, well, you may find something to make it 'over', or you won't, in which case, she'll make it 'over'.

I truly believe that a trusting relationship is such that I could hand my phone to my wife ANY second of every day. If it happened all the time, then I'd suggest counselling, but if she had concerns, why not?

I think people who say they wouldn't or couldn't have something to hide.

My phone is ALWAYS on silent unless I'm expecting an important call, I have an Apple Watch and notifications come through there. My phone is also always next to me (if I'm sat down) and I have the screen face down because I have a pop socket on the back.

I'm not having an affair, I've never had one and never would.

I would never let anyone go through my phone.

I also have it on silent all of the time.

I also sometimes put my phone screen down and don’t answer when someone rings.

But I am not doing anything dodgy or inappropriate and your partner could be exactly the same as me.

However, you have a gut feeling that you cannot shake.

Either she is cheating or you are just paranoid.
Either way, I do not think this relationship can survive.

Not being able to trust your partner can never work.

If she doesn't hand it over, she is more than likely hiding something. If she does hand it over, well, you may find something to make it 'over', or you won't, in which case, she'll make it 'over'.

I disagree with this.

I would never hand my phone over and I think your partner needing to check your phone is a very slippery slope for controlling behaviour and so I’d point blank refuse.

A grown adult shouldn’t need their phone checking.

Trust your gut. If you were a woman posting 90% of the replies would be along those lines.
Anyway my ex wife was like this with her phone but there was a sudden change in behaviour which raised my hackles. I found out about her affair via other means. When i got access to her phone she had put her ap’s number in with one of her friends so if Jane called i was clueless.

I would say though - has she always been like this with her phone and a year is a long time for an affair if you arn't married and have no ties together.

Missing the point entirely, but my phone hasn't made a noise in about 15 years, by choice. And I'm not up to anything nefarious.

But more to the point, the relationship won't necessarily end just because she is accused of cheating (nor will he necessarily be satisfied even if he finds nothing). Either she'll hide it better if she is or she might just continue the relationship even if she isn't. But without trust it's on a countdown to the end regardless. He won't be reassured just because he doesn't find what he's looking for.

Yes I completely agree.

If there’s nothing, then that’s not going to make the feeling go away.

You cannot have a relationship without trust.

Oh come off it. Her behaviour screams unfaithful

Do you leave your phone face down, angle the screen away from your dp, gaslight him about names he has seen in your phone and scream at him when he asks to see something?

You are not being unreasonable. She could assuage your suspicions in under a minute, call you paranoid, and ask you to trust her in future.

The first two yes.

Has her behaviour with the phone changed or has it always been like that?

If it's changed I think you're going to have to give careful consideration to calling it a day. Regardless of the reasons behind her phone use the trust isn't there.

If she is cheating you’ll probably find out in time. Your options are either to trust her when she says she isn’t and live a happy and calm life or snoop and carry on accusing her and live a stressful and unhappy life with her. the second option isn’t fair on either of you.

She can let you go through her entire phone tomorrow but she isn’t going to admit to cheating if she is so she will have deleted everything and renamed her contacts by then so you will be none the wiser. Because you know that it’s impossible for her to prove she hasn’t done something. You can’t prove a negative so unless you decide to let it go and believe her you will drive her away.

Thanks so much to EVERYONE who's left a comment. As before, negative or positive it's really appreciated. A couple of things:

My partner's phone is her business not mine, I've no interest in taking a tour through it, that WOULD be controlling in my book. I'd had no issue with what she was doing on it previous to this. When the guy's name appeared on her screen it set off alarm bells. She began frantically tapping away at the screen, doing what I don't know. It looked weird because she lost her composure and was visibly jumpy. I'd never seen my partner nervous before.

The female friend (work colleague) who's name she said it was, had actually called her a couple hours beforehand; she'd taken that call in front of me without a problem. I was feeling confused as to why not now, if it was her friend calling?

I showed her my contacts midway through making a joke, in the context of a conversation about being transparent with each other! I wanted to put my money where my mouth is that's all, I didn't expect accusations of paranoia and the evasiveness.

When you meet someone online as I did, you're basically two strangers getting to know each other. You've usually no shared social circles in common, therefore can't ask anyone else's opinion if they're acting strange and you don't know why. You've only got their word for reassurance and the hope that their integrity is genuine.

So of course I have a serious decision to make, that's quite clear to me.

Please, understand though people, it's not about who's in her phone or sending her messages, or any desire to patrol her use of it. Her defensive response to being asked to see her contact list is what brought me here. I've nothing to hide so for me there wasn't an issue her seeing mine.

Anyway Mumsnet is the greatest - thanks you all so much.

And you haven't had suspicions like this in a relationship before? And this behaviour changed 2 years into your relationship? If so, sounds like a gut feeling and you're probably right. Sorry OP. Hope it all turns out OK and if not with this lady that you meet someone better.

no question that call rattled her. You know your relationship but in yeah I’d be pondering, especially if i didnt see her for 4-5 days a week.

It wouldn't matter what name came up on her phone if you trusted her, would it?

We didn't have an issue until this. Like I said, it's blind trust or nothing dating someone you don't know from Adam. She refused to show me the name on her screen until she'd tapped away at it first, then showed me. The name (Michael ) also happens to be that of an old boyfriend of hers from yonks back, unfortunately. She came across flustered and I picked this up. It would have been rather difficult not to at the time!

How long into the relationship was it?

My ex also accused me on the basis of a name coming up on my phone but again it was a simple misunderstanding (due to his paranoia) that I cleared up as soon as he mentioned it.

Nothing to hide here, DH can go through mine. No need as DD goes through both our phones daily!
Does she take it to the restroom ? I personally think it’s very rude to be on your phone all the time. Would drive me nuts.

Thank you for those encouraging words, you're very kind. Together three years and this happened two years in, not really what I signed up for in the beginning! I'll heed your words going forward, see what happens