Her phone is splitting us up

[Mydentity101]

Hello..

My partner (54) and myself (51) have an issue. Her phone habits are starting to raise concerns with me about trust. We've een an item three years, we live apart and spend our weekends together. It's a good relationship apart from this problem.

Notifications are off, ringer is on silent. She turns a subtle angle away from me when using it I've noticed. Told me her dog had sat on her last phone and cracked the screen (explaining why this one was kept face down). Hardly ever takes an actual phone call but can't seem to leave it alone, it's ALWAYS next to her. I leave mine wherever I happen to leave it.

I'm struggling to understand why she doesn't want to hear an incoming call or text coming through, given the above? I'm feeling a little stupid asking to be honest.

A year ago I convinced myself that my eyes were fooling me, after seeing what I recognized as a man's name, flash up on the screen (without the phone ringing of course). She didn't take the call but seemed noticeably flustered. Said it was her female friend's name and I'd been mistaken. I didn't believe her and we had words. After being called paranoid and told I was seeing things I decided maybe she was right, let it go and moved on.

But I've had this weird, unsettling feeling since. I've kept my own counsel and tried my best to enjoy our relationship. But that sinking feeling hasn't gone anywhere.

We had a chat about the issue last weekend, it wasn't in our original plans but was obviously needed. She repeatedly said she had nothing to hide, would never mess me around. I showed her my own phone's contacts list and asked if she'd have any problems doing the same?

She point blank refused. "It's an invasion of my privacy, it's MY phone, you're being controlling etc. I was pretty shocked but didn't bother to argue the toss. I left for home instead. She's me called several times since but I don't know what to say right now, I'm uncomfortable with what's happened.

I think I should point out here, I've never once felt a need to snoop on her phone, never would.

I'm wondering whether this is one serious red flag or am I doing something wrong?

Thank you

I think you’ve made the right decision here. ALWAYS go with that gut feeling, never ignore it

100%.

I remember when someone posted on MN and referenced their partner by saying ‘her’ and ‘she.’ A lot of comments were dramatically harsh as they assumed the OP to be a man. When the OP stated that she was also a woman and they were in a same sex relationship, the tone of the comments changed IMMEDIATELY. Can’t say I was surprised

I think you've made the right decision. She definitely sounds like she's messaging someone else even if she's not seeing anyone else

... seeing what I recognized as a man's name, flash up on the screen (without the phone ringing of course). She didn't take the call but seemed noticeably flustered. Said it was her female friend's name and I'd been mistaken. I didn't believe her and we had words. After being called paranoid and told I was seeing things ...

If you're sure it was "Michael", well, this is known as "gaslighting", when you make someone doubt what they have seen with their own eyes.

My exh cheated on me. My current partner and I are a bit older than you and have been in a live-out relationship for 7 years. He has a lot of ex-gfs that he is still in touch with, and female friends he meets up with. He has to see his ex-wife about their dd frequently. I've met his ex-gfs, ex-wife and female friends; he's open about who he's meeting. His openness reassures me (which is different to your situation), but basically I just have to trust him. Thinking over what my exh did, what bothered me the most about his cheating was the nasty behaviour and gaslighting. As long as my current partner treats me well, I'm happy to trust him. If he treated me unpleasantly I'd end it, however sad it would be. It's not worth trying to control people: you can't, and that's not a nice relationship. You just have to decide your boundaries and be ready to opt out if you're not happy. At our age, with no kids, you can end it pretty fast.

I also think you've made the right decision. If it happens with a future partner maybe miss out the confrontation and attempts to control the uncontrollable?

I think that, in a healthy relationship, nobody gets called 'paranoid', and each party is more respectful of the other's feelings.

You've done the right thing for yourself, to walk away from someone who dismisses your feelings like this.

Duly noted.

To be clear though, I gave an example or two of suspicious looking behaviour over my three year relationship. I could have easily opened up about a lot more besides however, I'm not here to conduct a hatchet job on my (now ex) partner's character. I just wanted to talk about a particular problem, ask others and ultimately, make a decision going forward.

Some may insist upon seeing that as an attempt to somehow "control" the narrative, as baffling as it sounds. I don't take such things personally.

Bless

There are a few things here:

One, the muted phone thing is actually really normal these days. I haven't had the sound alerts on my phone for a decade now. I have the override on for phone calls from my partner and my parents. Other than that, I don't wanna hear a single sound come out of that thing lmao.

Two, I don’t know if your partner is cheating - but it's clear you don’t trust her and honestly that's sort of the bottom line here. Maybe you're right not to trust her, maybe you aren't. But ultimately at this point you're going to be on high alert at all times looking for every sign of deception and that's not a good experience for either of you. It's probably best to go your separate ways.

Thanks for that. And yes, I'm 100% certain of what I saw..an incoming call from "Michael"..

Difficult to mistake for "Michelle" when your sat next to them with the phone on their lap!

Anyway I'm happy the relationship is very much done with now. There's some sadness I'm feeling of course, but it wasn't a healthy situation to remain involved with so that's enough for me.

Bless

I've even offered for my boyfriend to have his own fingerprint registered to unlock my phone incase he needs it when i'm not in the room etc, told him my pass code is our anniversary but ofc he keeps forgetting it lol. I'd happily put his mind at ease and let him go through it any time, i've nothing to hide. We happily use our phones side by side and can see everything eachother is doing, and are both fine with it. In your situation i would be suspicious and unhappy too, and her reaction would have ended the relationship.

Thanks for giving input, your own relationship sounds very secure and very healthy by the way! Best

OP - i think in reality your family history has a lot more to do with this whole phone-gate than anything.
Your mother was left with 4 children, then I presume she gave birth to you and dad didn’t stick around.

I am guessing your relationship track record is not great - as you are 51 and guessing have never been married.

If you really obsessed about some man calling your gf a year ago - and that being the only issue in your relationship (as you said yourself) - and you broke up because if it - it’s a YOU issue.
The fact that you needed to give her an ultimatum to show you her phone contacts - is weird. Speaks to your severe insecurity and inability to trust.
Is there a pattern in your previous relationships?

What would list of names told you????
If you wanted to know if there was a Michael in there - most people would have at least of of them as it’s a common name.
How would that have helped you?

At 54 and 51 - you were having a grown up, mature relationship - you were never having kids, and normally people don’t jump to conclusions based on absence of notifications on the phone.
You judge the relationship by how much you have in common; how comfortable you are together; whether you have fun and give each other time and attention.
You don't live together, but spend weekends together - so a setup that combines fair amount of independence - and togetherness.

I don’t know why you thought she was living it up with Michael during the week and spending weekends with you. It’s not very likely in real life.

My phone is always muted, and I know plenty of people who are the same - I don't believe anyone needs full access to me 24/7, find the notifications annoying, and know anyone who actually needs me will have my number and call instead. I have my close family and friends favourited so their calls come through even when it's on mute. So I wouldn't put too much stock in that tbh.

I also wouldn't want anyone going through my phone under any circumstances. I have a partner and wouldn't permit him to do it. I'm not cheating. I also wouldn't want my friends going through my phone.

I haven't read the full thread so not sure if she's done anything else suspicious, but what is clear is that you don't trust her. That's the bottom line. Once the trust is eroded, IMO, the relationship is as good as over

I honestly wouldn't know where to begin unravelling your comment and am definitely not about to try! You're assuming a lot and are laughably off the ball but like I've said, there's no offence taken here whatsoever, I'm cool.

I'll even tear a leaf out of your book and "assume" you meant me well, lol..

Anyway none of this thread I started matters now. I've been without my ex for a day, feeling flooded by relief and have zero regrets.

You and your chap, all very the best to you both (hope you continue to look after each other).

Bless

Oops, sorry Josuk, that last one was for you!

Best

This answer would be so different if it was a woman posting about a man hiding his phone...

Can't say I didn't think that myself lol. For me the real question was (I say this in past tense) why would revealing a random cluster of totally innocent names present such extraordinary difficulty for anyone with a clear conscience?

Why not shame your partner and stop anymore nonsense by using the same "paranoia" and prove them to be exactly that? I'd have never asked anything like it again and gone out of my way to make things up to her, had that been the case.

Of course we all need our privacy. Bathrooms have locking doors for such reasons..But the phone contacts list that in use daily?

Bless

Stop bleedin' saying bless!!!

@Mydentity101 - you still wouldn't answer the question what you think you would have learned about your ex-gf by seeing her phone contact list.
Then or now.

You are making this all about her not wanting to show her phone to you when you suddenly decided she was cheating on you.
But you are also the person who said - why wouldn't she have notifications. And refuse to hear that it's completely normal for people to not have their phone pinging and flashing.
You also don't seem to understand that relationship where trust is based on demanding to see someone's phone is doomed.

I don't know if she was cheating on you. I suspect - she was not.

But you do come off as high maintenance with your insecurity/suspicions/irrationality, that it's probably for the best you two have parted ways.

You commented that the other poster was way off about your relationship history. Just out of curiosity - how have your relationships been? Is this the first time where you are on guard and suspicious of your partner?

agree with this ^ and what @josuk said

Heheheh I see exactly what you mean actually! Alright no more blessings I promise!

Why not shame your partner and stop anymore nonsense by using the same "paranoia" and prove them to be exactly that?
OP, I'm sympathetic to your cause and understand why you think she was up to no good. But If I was innocent of cheating and my partner wanted to see my phone contacts to prove it, I'd dump him rather than give in to bullying, controlling tactics.

So what did she say when you ended it?

I'd bin someone like that. People welded to their phone are pathetic. I dumped an ex who was the same. I presumed he was cheating, didnt bother to ask him I just got rid. I did laugh to myself once when he went to the loo and for once, forgot to take phone with him. He burst into the room less than 1 minute later, eyes darting around frantically looking for his phone. I know he thought I'd look at the screen. I just thought, this man is an idiot he has to go. Your partner's giving you poor excuses by the way. It's time for you to leave her to her phone and whatever other sneaky life she's leading

Well done, definitely the right course of action if not happy. I called it a day for the same reasons, glad I did.

Same reasons a cheat would give too. Thanks though, I'm glad it's finished with now.