Her phone is splitting us up

[Mydentity101]

Hello..

My partner (54) and myself (51) have an issue. Her phone habits are starting to raise concerns with me about trust. We've een an item three years, we live apart and spend our weekends together. It's a good relationship apart from this problem.

Notifications are off, ringer is on silent. She turns a subtle angle away from me when using it I've noticed. Told me her dog had sat on her last phone and cracked the screen (explaining why this one was kept face down). Hardly ever takes an actual phone call but can't seem to leave it alone, it's ALWAYS next to her. I leave mine wherever I happen to leave it.

I'm struggling to understand why she doesn't want to hear an incoming call or text coming through, given the above? I'm feeling a little stupid asking to be honest.

A year ago I convinced myself that my eyes were fooling me, after seeing what I recognized as a man's name, flash up on the screen (without the phone ringing of course). She didn't take the call but seemed noticeably flustered. Said it was her female friend's name and I'd been mistaken. I didn't believe her and we had words. After being called paranoid and told I was seeing things I decided maybe she was right, let it go and moved on.

But I've had this weird, unsettling feeling since. I've kept my own counsel and tried my best to enjoy our relationship. But that sinking feeling hasn't gone anywhere.

We had a chat about the issue last weekend, it wasn't in our original plans but was obviously needed. She repeatedly said she had nothing to hide, would never mess me around. I showed her my own phone's contacts list and asked if she'd have any problems doing the same?

She point blank refused. "It's an invasion of my privacy, it's MY phone, you're being controlling etc. I was pretty shocked but didn't bother to argue the toss. I left for home instead. She's me called several times since but I don't know what to say right now, I'm uncomfortable with what's happened.

I think I should point out here, I've never once felt a need to snoop on her phone, never would.

I'm wondering whether this is one serious red flag or am I doing something wrong?

Thank you

Two years in. Had a few minor suspicions beforehand that happily let go of, we were fine..
Then this phone malarkey!

I’m very on the fence with this to be honest. My phone is always on silent, and often face down, and there’s not a chance I’d be happy to just hand my phone over to my husband to check up on me without feeling absolutely furious with him for unfounded suspicions, as I can assure you I’m certainly not cheating. That being said, your partner could be hiding something, no one here could say for sure. What I do know is that there’s no trust, and even if you saw her phone, I expect you’d just assume she’d cleaned up any evidence. Your relationship can’t work with no trust, I am sure you know that.

If you can't trust her it's not much of a relationship. Proceed accordingly.

Why would she have to show you who called in the first place?

And as usual MN double standards abound.

if this was a woman writing about a man the thread would be full of people telling her to get hold of his phone, there would be posters saying “”he’s cheating, I’m sorry.” Calls to put trackers in his car, follow him, and the list goes on.

But because it’s a woman she has a right to her privacy/he’s being out of order/it’s his fault he doesn’t trust her etc.

OP I agree that given you don’t trust her the relationship is over. But tbh I say the same of women who post here.

But you’re not wrong to be suspicious when she gets a text from a male and then lies and gaslights you into believing that it’s a female. That fact alone makes it suspicious.

Those were my thoughts exactly. She refused the few times I asked that evening and still doesn't want to budge. You can't force someone to do what they're uncomfortable doing but I'm just baffled as to why.We'll either be together or separated by the end of the week, the way things are going. Thanks again

She didn't have to show me anything and wasn't asked to. I'm simply not that sort of partner, I'm all for privacy. But her (muted) phone rang in front of me and the name"Michael" appeared on the screen. I innocently asked her who that was. She got visibly nervous, mucked about with the device and denied what I'd just seen. I was leaving her house at the time as I remember, had to go. So what'd just happened didn't really register for a while.

So you’ve been paranoid/had your doubts for a year now?

Thats not good and a sure sign that this relationship isn’t working.

I would never show my partner my phone.

If my partner thought I was cheating then they can choose to leave.
Its not for me to defend myself and have to prove myself, especially if it means me having no privacy.

You could be absolutely right and she could be cheating or it could just be paranoia but either way this relationship cannot last.

I refuse to have phones not on silent unless were are happy to be interupted from our life.
We never turn sound on for our messages. Just check the phone every hour or so (unless at work and it is work phone)
We also turn off our phones at night and charge in a different part of the house to our bedroom.
Why do people need their phone to dictate their lives more so than an old landline used to?

We share a phone when on holidays.

The strange thing about your situation is your gut calling you to suspect her faking who is calling.
Fair enough that she answers calls on her own and that some callers are male. Strange that she hides list when you share yours.

Anyway, you are not suited. Your telephone usage doesn't gel together nor take second priority to your relationship..

But I've had this weird, unsettling feeling since. I've kept my own counsel and tried my best to enjoy our relationship. But that sinking feeling hasn't gone anywhere

it sounds like the relationship is over and youre still there for familiarity at this stage.

Stop bullying her and leave.

Ok. My earlier comment was through the lenses of being in a relationship where I was blamed for what I wore, my computer and phone were searched regularly, I was completely faithful but nonstop bullied.

now reading your update, yeah, that’s not cool. If a name popped up and you asked who it was, that’s perfectly reasonable imo - and if she got nervous and wouldn’t say, that’s a red flag.

ugh I truly loathe cheaters, as much as I loathe bullies …

it may be time to have a serious conversation. The thing is, the steps to fix a relationship need to come from the cheater - not from you. If she doesn’t want to do the work, it’s time to LTB.

Stop talking shit, he is not "bullying her".

Op, men do NOT get the same replies on here women do, ever. Her behaviour sounds dodgy and if a woman posted this, 90% would of said so. Honestly, I'd end it, she's changed and sounds like she's hiding something so much so you've taken to an Internet forum for advise due to the lack of trust. That's no relationship.

Oh, chill out. its so tedious, this constant flipping things to center men.

sometimes this site is the only place abused and scared women can talk and encourage each other to get free.

and some of you just hate that we might have a little corner free of men, don’t you.

It says a hell of a lot about you.

Same.

I assumed the op was a woman?????

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was secretive and jumpy around their phone.

I was in a relationship like that for 3 years and in the end it transpired he was cheating on me (with men).

I don't think it's an invasion of privacy to have easy access to your partner's phone. I would never want to look or snoop but at the same time if my partner refused to let me look, I'd be concerned. Likewise with me, I am pretty attached to my phone but if my partner wanted to see it, he'd be more than welcome. I have nothing to hide.

Within the past few months, has her behaviour changed at all? Later days working, longer shopping trips, incommunicado when typically very responsive, heightened temper/snappines, gym visits/more makeup?

I think her shiftiness means something is up. It might be just an ex texting her, and her feeling uncomfortable about it... I mean, if my ex (I have no interest in them whatsoever) messaged, I might keep it quiet so as not to get my partner worried.

I agree. I always have my phone on silent, and if a mans name came up and my husband queried it we wouldn't last very long. But then again we do not have any trust issues.

my DH has all my pin codes (for everything) and vice versa. He picks up my phone occasionally to make calls when he misplaced his and cant find it.
And I do the same too if I've misplaced mine but need to make a call asap, i just pick up his phone and use it.

We agreed this arrangement at the start of our relationship to avoid any misplaced trust issues and to simplify going through life together. It worked for me but it doesn't mean it works for everyone.

I'm slightly overwhelmed by the amount of responses but take on everyone's opinions..wow!

I can't lie, some of what I've read here has been a bit of a surprise! Yeah, I'm male and no, definitely NOT bullying anyone that I know of(!) Seriously, I must've looked at a hundred odd threads dealing with similar problems in relationships, posted on here by women..

Their villain of the peace is usually a man; some ungrateful idiot of a husband who's potentially splitting apart his own family, all for a secret shag.

My own mother was abandoned with four children by her first husband before I was even born. I'm from a broken home myself and that's something I'd not wish upon even an enemy. It's possibly why I always tried to treat my partners with the kindness my old lady wasn't.

So I'm not offended by anyone's comments, people have every right to say how they feel, especially when we don't know each other, it's cool. I'm really glad I did this. It's been a genuinely worthwhile, fascinating exercise that has at least, opened up discussion. For that I'm also thankful.

Anyway, my decision's made..

I won't be seeing her again, I'm done.

Bless

Good luck next time around OP. Sorry as the end of any relationship is painful. I'm sure some people are projecting because they've been the woman in the scenario (ie in a relationship with a controlling DP). I certainly would have replied a lot differently before my most recent relationship where DP accused me of cheating over the most strange things. But I think yours seems more likely to be intuition based on what you’ve said.

I cannot see what possible reason you have to think she is cheating. A man's name came up on her phone? That could be anything.

Many people keep their phone's with them at all times. A sign of phone addiction, maybe, but not cheating necessarily.

And you have no right to demand she show you anything on her phone.

You sound really controlling and I'd run for the hills
If there is any other reason to feel like this ok but her phone alone is not a reason from what is laid out in the opening post

Responses are so interesting
my ex wife became very similar with her phone
she’s an ex because she was cheating.

we can never know the true personality of anyone posting so one can only give them the benefit of doubt. I suspect a large number of dreadful women post and are automatically believed and supported.