Horrible woman in Zoom group

[ShrubRose]

I'm in a twice-weekly Zoom group with 6 other women. Most of them are pleasant, but one seems to hate me. She interrupts, contradicts and tries very hard to undermine me. I try to mute her, and when I do hear her say something awful, I just smooth it over. I find it triggering because of early experiences, and yesterday I was very troubled by it - I was telling a story and she just burst in loudly and interrupted me. I simply continued speaking and didn't respond to her, but I couldn't throw it off. I felt bad about it all day.
I don't want to leave the group because I don't have that many friends in the area and a lot of useful information is exchanged. Is there a way to deal with this? TIA.

Have you asked her why she is so rude, can you block her on the chat screen

what’s the purpose of the group? friends? hobby? book club? work?

Haven't asked her why she is rude. I do block her, and mute her, but it backfired yesterday because she asked me something directly, and when I didn't hear it but turned he sound back on after she stopped speaking, she said, "I guess she didn't hear me," in a snide way, as if to imply that I was losing my hearing.
Emotionally and socially (although not socio-economically) she is a bit of a street-fighter. Very tough person. And I feel victimized by my good manners and meekness. My guess is that's what she picks up on Every bully needs a victim.

I left a book group because one woman clearly didn't like me, I empathize - life is too short if you can avoid these people. We don't have to like everyone either.

See, I'm now at the age where I would tell her I mute her. Approaching 50 is quite liberating. :-)

Good idea. Only problem is that I don't want to air the dirty linen in front of the other women.

Surely the other women in the group must have noticed the tone of her interactions with you?

twice weekly zoom meetings…. hobby?!

and do you ever meet in person?

What kind of group is it?
I honestly would just ignore her entirely. If she speaks over you, ignore. If she asks a question, give the shortest answer possible and move on. The others in the group will be aware of how she treats you and will understand.

Yes, I would imagine they have, although people tend to focus mostly on their own issues.
I get along fine with all the rest. We all just had lunch together on Saturday - the horrible one wasn't present. I didn't ask why - not sure if they didn't invite her or if she couldn't come. They did invite her to a museum visit we are planning.

when she says something awful

like what?

Who chairs the group? I would expect this to be the person to set ground rules and keep things in order. If there isn’t one perhaps you could suggest it to get the most out of your time together?

have you met this woman in person?

how long have you all known one another?

I would have called her out by now. If she is a 'scrapper' who perceives you as a meek victim, then you shutting up and putting up with her behaviour is not going to change her mind about you.

Sometimes bullies respond positively to being told.

I’ve seen a lot of the time in this kind of situation many people see it and hear it but just don’t want to get involved, so it carries on until the person being spoken over just leaves. If people see it I think they should help and maybe be less passive.

I spent a month in New York recently. She said, "Why would you want to go there? What could you possibly find to do in New York for a whole month?"
Or she corrects me on things I say. Everything is "Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that?" The tone of voice is aggressive and disparaging.

Yes. She's just the same. We've known one another for 3+ years. Group started at the beginning of the pandemic.

Yes I agree this is not an uncommon reaction. People think there must be some reason why the person being bullied deserves it really.

OP, could you bring it up with the nice people in the group and ask for their support, if you are uncomfortable addressing it yourself?

There's no formal chair. It's a spin-off of a formal group run by a local club we're all in. Now it's just personal; no connection with any kind of organisation.

That's a very good point about people thinking there must be some reason why the person being bullied deserves it. That's what makes it so uncomfortable - if it's just one awful person, that's one thing. But it becomes a group dynamic.

It's been going on so long now that I'm not comfortable bringing it up at this point, but thanks.

I recorded one episode for someone - he said, "Why do you stay in that group?"😂

Yes. The second session has remained part of the club and others attend as well.

Just be blunt

just ask her to repeat herself

'Why would you go to new York'

• Sorry Sandra what did you say'

'Why would you go to new York'

• that's an odd question to ask Sandra'

Then be quiet and don't respond

She wants that hit of dopamine she gets when she thinks she's hit one up on you. Hold a mirror to her behaviour. She may get defensive, that's ok, she's not on the attack then.

Another good tact is to call them out

'Why would you go to new York'
'Do you mean to that to be rude or are you genuinely interested? Happy to give you some hints and tips on where to go if you are thinking of going yourself'