Horrible woman in Zoom group

[ShrubRose]

I'm in a twice-weekly Zoom group with 6 other women. Most of them are pleasant, but one seems to hate me. She interrupts, contradicts and tries very hard to undermine me. I try to mute her, and when I do hear her say something awful, I just smooth it over. I find it triggering because of early experiences, and yesterday I was very troubled by it - I was telling a story and she just burst in loudly and interrupted me. I simply continued speaking and didn't respond to her, but I couldn't throw it off. I felt bad about it all day.
I don't want to leave the group because I don't have that many friends in the area and a lot of useful information is exchanged. Is there a way to deal with this? TIA.

Just rip the plaster off and when she does it again tell her she is doing your nut in. She’ll be so shocked maybe it’ll make her think next time.

The others will probably applaud you.

Sorry but I disagree with this.

I have adhd too and I'm not rude or act like this.
We know that adhd isn't our personality, we have our personality plus adhd. And this woman is just plain old rude. Being adhd doesn't mean you bully others and op has plainly stated she feels bullied!

We shouldn't attribute every negative behaviour to be neurodivergence. Some people are just arseholes unfortunately.

@RoseBucket agree, something along the lines of, in a jokey way, "why would you say that?"
Maybe put some gin in your teacup.
Seriously, OP don't leave the group, you sound genuinely lovely and as they say, difficult people are our best teachers.

Op please if you can, when she interrupts you again, say sandra please can you wait until I'm finished then you have your turn thank you. Then carry on talking. Do it a few times and she will learn. Bullies carry on when they are unchecked.

@Namechange666 thank you, I was just thinking/hoping that too as I am grappling with diagnoses in my family and think it might have come from me!

As much as you like the group, the problem isn't just her, it's also the group. People behave in such ways because there is no one willing or around them to put a stop to this behaviour. Part of the reason why this woman gets away with it is because people are intimidated by her. She knows is, and uses it.

Someone should have stopped that interaction at that point of interruption and said 'Hold on, sorry, but can we just hear what @ShrubRose has to say? She hasn't quite finished yet'. But no one did.

Many people are just cowards OP and would rather just turn a blind eye. Such dominating people ruin social groups because of that.

Following the thread…side question every post by someone has been deleted by mumsnet why does this happen

She sounds like a real delight. I think I would try to kill her with kindness/passive aggression.
next time she says something… ‘Sandra, are you ok?’ Then if she continues - ‘Sandra honestly I’m concerned - is everything ok with you because that was quite a strange thing to say’. Definitely don’t continue to let her get away with it.
Also, do you think the other group members are enjoying this clash? (I know people that might enjoy the drama!)

@Ohnoooooooo I remember this and answering the questions pre-diagnosis. At one point during I blurted out, "Oh no! I am a terrible person" and the psychiatrist laughed and said, "No you are not. Some of my friends have ADHD and they are funny!" The memory just made me smile and want to share it.

I do think the woman is still a horror, ADHD or not. The Op sounds quite accomplished, visiting NY for a whole month and what not. Maybe she is bitter that she doesn't do cool stuff like that.

I find it helpful with people like this not to take what they are saying seriously and laughing at their ridiculousness for example

Haha really Sandra! there's so much to do in New York I could have stayed for 6 months!

Another tactic I've used is to slowly repeat what they say (especially if a snide comment) and then say "what do you mean?"

"The best thing about my month in NYC, Marjorie, is that you weren't there."
Honking laugh.

I understand what you mean, however this person isn't like it with everyone, just towards the OP. So she is choosing to behave this way towards one person and not others.

None of these people are your friends, because if they were they'd talk to her about it and tell her to tone it down, or at least ask you privately if you were okay. So assuming you're not overreacting to innocent questions, and it doesn't sound like you are, I'd step away from all of it to be honest.

I'd stick to meeting them in person and maybe choose one person to catch up with and ask what was being discussed etc., or stick to something text-based like whatsapp so you can roll your eyes and ignore.

There must be other ways you can make friends in your area too, have you tried searching for Meetups or Eventbrite events

That's a very good question. Now you mention it, I have a feeling that others may not even be paying attention to her. Last time I tried to notice people's reactions, and a couple of members seemed to be looking at their phones.

😂😅😆

Please say that. I bet you that people will laugh at this.

I thought this too. Those can get 'interesting'. My friend is a vicar and I am on her PCC. I remember just before Christmas we had a meeting and there was a very opinionated person in it, and everything turned into a debate. My friend is the calmest person ever but she texted me from her laptop to mine 'are we going out after this? - I need wine' hahahah

@Callipygion 😂😂😂. A pandemic classic

Excellent advice by the others on the thread. I have had a lot of experience like this as I am a bit of a well-mannered softie myself. This person is clearly insecure and jealous of you, some people just carry a lot of hate. I bet that you have a lot more going for you than she does. Eventually you either have to dish it back or you sadly have to cut this person out of your life for good. There is no other way.

I agree with this. People don’t want to get involved but really you have to in this kind of situation otherwise you are part of the problem.

Tell you what OP, invite one (or all!) of us to join the group and we'll deal with her for you 😉😉

Sounds good to me!
😊

There’s some good suggestions on here, but of course she isn’t going to repeat the NY comment, and we can all think of the perfect witty riposte after the event.

If it were me, I’d just find her mildly entertaining / bemusing.

You know, you’re laughing at (rather than with) them, in a very insincere sort of way, as if they’ve done something embarrassing and you need to move the conversation along.

She’s a mosquito that needs to be batted away.

😂 the Jacqui Weaver and the NYC Majorie comments
I've seen people do this in meetings time and time again, picking on one person to establish their superiority and hopefully gain followers who will join in and as PP say, they are encouraged to continue when no one else says anything. Although if people are on their phones as you say when she's doing it... they could just be hoping she'll shut up, but that's not very supportive.

From your examples, she is using a very standard technique - firing these questions out without giving you time to think and then interrupting your explanation with the next mean question. Then she's got you in a space where you end up trying to justify and explain yourself, which she can pull apart further.

It may feel like it, but its not rude to stop co-operating, like you would with a normal person. You don't have to politely answer her or give genuine answers.

I think it's useful to have a little list of stock responses up your sleeve, which you can snap back without thinking.

Channel your inner disrespectful teenager. Eye rolling, monosyllabic answers, deep sigh at any rude comments. The classic So What? plus Gallic Shrug. Karen Brady it.

"Why would you want to go there? "Because I just do."
What could you possibly find to do in New York for a whole month?"
"you want an actual list?" (emphasise the ridiculous.)

The one I found particularly useful with a mean relative was to exclaim
"Goodness. What a thing to say!" Easy to remember. I didn't have to answer them and it drew attention to them instead of me and it was hard for them to continue. Worked like a charm.

I also like @Fofftwenty21 and @RoseBuckets rip off the plaster advice. @potato57 has a good point too. Best of luck OP

“Sorry Sandra. I had you on mute so I couldn’t hear you interrupting me. Again.”