Horrible woman in Zoom group

[ShrubRose]

I'm in a twice-weekly Zoom group with 6 other women. Most of them are pleasant, but one seems to hate me. She interrupts, contradicts and tries very hard to undermine me. I try to mute her, and when I do hear her say something awful, I just smooth it over. I find it triggering because of early experiences, and yesterday I was very troubled by it - I was telling a story and she just burst in loudly and interrupted me. I simply continued speaking and didn't respond to her, but I couldn't throw it off. I felt bad about it all day.
I don't want to leave the group because I don't have that many friends in the area and a lot of useful information is exchanged. Is there a way to deal with this? TIA.

There's your answer.

Form another group and don't invite her this time.

I don't want to some like I'm excusing the others remaining quiet- I think they should at least acknowledge they have seen how she is with you- but if you invited her to the group, do you think they might think you are closer to her than you are? That you are 'friends' and don't kind how she is with you?
i agree with @Baldieheid, form a new group and this time don't invite her.

Why have so many posts been deleted?

I agree that you should maybe just form a new group without her. Has anyone else from the group ever mentioned her behaviour? If not, maybe you should bring it up. From your description of her being abrasive and scrappy I’d think everyone else must be rather done with her as well.

Was ion8 her?

😂😂😂😂😂

It's a good thought, but I seriously doubt that anyone (her included) remembers that I invited her in to the personal group. It was years ago now and everyone has had so much to deal with.

Is she like this with the other women in the group OP, or does she just target you?

I sympathise OP as had the exact same problem with a regular Zoom meet which was a spin off from a hobby group. It was bizarre, this woman was always rude to me, no one else! Mostly I let it go as I didn’t want to create awkwardness with the rest of the group. A couple of times I did bite back and we ended up in a bit of a public row! Rather embarrassing really. This was mostly during Covid times, so the Zooms dwindled eventually. Never really understood why this cow singled me out for bitchiness. Sorry, no real advice, just empathy for a difficult situation!

I've been muting her for a while now so I don't hear every interaction. However, although there was an opportunity to leave her out of the upcoming museum trip, one of the other women invited her, so she probably doesn't do it to everybody.
Also, one member frequently turns down her invitations, so I know she's not flavour of the month, but I couldn't reliably say if it's because she treats her disparagingly.

Many thanks,@MissSookieStackhouse.
Comforting to know someone else has been in the same boat.

I have ADHD - she sounds like she might have some of the ADHD traits they ask us if we have in the assessment questionnaire - not waiting turn, butting in, speaking impulsively without thinking.

If she tries to interrupts then you could try saying ‘I’m trying to finish what I’m saying here’ and immediately carry on talking.

If she asks a ridiculous question like ‘why did you go to New York’ then you could counter it with another question eg ‘because I wanted to - is there anything else you want to know?’ and just keep repeating the same boring question in response to hers. Don’t get drawn into explaining or justifying yourself.

If she rolls her eyes, call her out on it ‘did you just roll your eyes at me? Why did you do that?’

She sounds an utter PITA.

@ShrubRose I've been muting her for a while now so I don't hear every interaction. However, although there was an opportunity to leave her out of the upcoming museum trip, one of the other women invited her, so she probably doesn't do it to everybody.
Also, one member frequently turns down her invitations, so I know she's not flavour of the month, but I couldn't reliably say if it's because she treats her disparagingly.
Over the past 3 years wouldn't you have heard her if she was disparaging to others?

Is there another woman in the group who you could talk to about this, who you could then rely on to say, "Oy, OP's still speaking" or "Don't be daft, there are tons of things to do in New York" - just so that you have someone who has your back?

Sending empathy, I know this "type".

I guess I'd look at it from a pragmatic POV - is there anything you get from the group (or some people in particular you wouldn't mind keeping close or exploring to see if a 1-1 connection. For example, the woman who doesn't invite her?).

I'd work this out, then maybe develop whatever it is you want to keep and phase anything with her in it out.

You may have to just cut your losses, celebrate the memories, and move on. Nothing is more important than your peace of mind.

If the group isn't offering a huge amount of benefit anyway or is just a chat group on Zoom I'd probably downgrade it (see if there's any nice invites but just sounds too overdramatic and too much effort generally for a few chats?).

I've found group dynamics often mean that no-one will stick up for you, but then if you leave the bully targets someone else and the group stays toxic.

Not really sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, just an observation!

Everything and everyone moves on ultimately -

Unless there's a huge positive practical or situational reason to stay in touch I find these "lighter" social groups often do drift away eventually or as you've found, you get a nutter who ruins the tone.

And unless you want to be scheming Machevilli back not much point, there's so much good stuff in the world to do and experience!

It sounds to me as this is just a group of acquaintances, not friends, that's why they do not some to your rescue. They are happy with the status quo.

I would start to build up responses to her barbs:

Why would you go to NYC?

Are you kidding? The museums, architecture, food, sights, shopping just to name a few. I'm surprised you're surprised Sandra.

I’d have said “just as well it wasn’t you who went then, isn’t it!” Followed by “I had a great time, thank you for asking”. Then I’d just ignore her.

I am also of an age when I no longer tiptoe round rude people.

She is super insecure and jealous of you. Do not question yourself, just use her insecurities against her. Be happy, keep smiling as this behaviour will annoy her even more. Keep your cool and probably she gives up the group. Good luck x

Who is the zoom host? Someone must be the host - and can therefore remove her from the meeting.

OP, I’d start with the recommended responses, but if she doesn’t get the hint I’d have no qualms about kicking her out of the meeting.

My tactic when someone asks me something rude (like the New York question) is just to laugh. Then ignore the question, because it’s so ridiculous it was literally laughable.

Can you mute someone only for yourself on Zoom?

I thought if you mute someone, they are muted for everyone. OP, it sounds like you are the host (you made the meeting invite), and when you mute this person you are in fact muting them for everyone. And they must be able to notice (eg. they have to unmute themselves before speaking again).

I thought only the host can mute participants on zoom. But maybe this is a new feature I don’t know about?

Could this be why she doesn’t like you? (Not excusing her behaviour, she sounds awful)

Let us know how it goes when you try out some of these responses,OP!

When I say "mute," I mean I mute the speaker on my desktop. It's the F10 key. They can hear me, but I don't hear them. I can see when they've stopped talking when the green rim around their box disappears and goes to someone else's box. Then I hit F10 again (or I think you can hit any key) and the speaker goes back on.
She doesn't know she's being muted.

That’s made me 🤣🤣🤣 so much I nearly wet myself.

A great line I found on MN:
Sorry Sandra, did you mean to be rude?