This is painful, am I a doormat?

[HelloShupa]

I am in an on off 30 year relationship. One child who has left home. We have been happy and had a good life, but in recent years things have changed, but not by my hand.
He is a musician and engineer, in the past few years he has been increasingly distant. He is not remotely interested in sex or women, and puts all of his energy into his work. We are very close and love each other, but it feels like he isnt interested in anything romantic. We dont share food, drink, days out or any special moments. I try, and there is always some reason we can't do it.

It has come to a head recently. for me.
I have been having a really stressful time at work and booked a two week break. He told me he was all in, and happy to come along. Since i paid and booked it this evening he is now stressed and panicking about the date. He was told all this beforehand. Now he says he is only interested in coming along for a few days each week, even though his work is mobile and not urgent.
I needed to sort travel and he says he can't do it, but he has no engagements on tis date. Why let me bloody book it!!!???

I only give this example. There are many, it has been this way for a while. A part of me has thought this is contempt, and no man who was interested in me would behave this way.
I m just so tired of it all, so weary. I dont ask for much at all, but the essential tings just dont seem to be there.
I am 50 and he is 65, and approacing is pension, at this point there seems to be no interest in my welfare. We live in our inherited house in a bad are and i have wanted to move for so many year and am so unhappy. He is not interested in that but claims we will be ok after his pension.

Is this remotely normal? I am an odd ball and don't wish to live a conventional life but this seems so tragic.

What do you mean by on/off? Have you had periods of living apart. Don't assume that his lack of interest in you means that he's not interested at all in another, but also, it could be his age.
Sell the house and move if that's what you want, what's stopping you?
You can't change how he behaves to you, but you can change how you live your life.

You’ve been in an in and off relationship for 30 years?! So, your entire adult life? WHY?!

If you’re unhappy, jump ship. Don’t waste any more precious time on this.

This doesn’t sound like a partnership, how are you so close but you don’t share food, drink or any special times together. You are still young, you can change the future if you are not happy, do you work?

I am 50 and he is 65, and approacing is pension, at this point there seems to be no interest in my welfare. We live in our inherited house in a bad are and i have wanted to move for so many year and am so unhappy. He is not interested in that but claims we will be ok after his pension.

In what way is your relationship on-off?

What do you mean by 'our' inherited house? Who actually owns it?

Do you work? How are finances shared? Do you both have wills? Are you named as the beneficiary of his pension?

Lots of questions, but irrespective of the answers, the crux of the matter is the fact that you are 'so unhappy'. And this will only get worse. Given the large difference in age, you risk ending up as his nurse with a purse.

Would you not be happier on your own?

I dont know how to describe this because i am ashamed and confused.
It was on and off because he would suddenly despair of me and go away for months at a time. I am not proud of putting up with that.
I had a decent past life and have no idea why i did it.

We have a very strong bond and are very comfortable with each other, but the pain has been getting out of hand for a few years now. It is like living with a zombie, a lovely one, but a zombie all the same. We share so much bit not like couples do. I think i am so used to this that i have lost perspective.

I think i wrote this because I know it isnt good for me. And I dont know how to leave.

Sorry, to answer the questions, he inherited the house and we have lived in it for 20 years. I am not concerned about money, I am self employed and ok. I can afford to rent if need be.

I just wish that I had someone to talk to about it, as my friends are dealing with their own issues and i wouldnt know how to begin.

I have this goddamn holiday booked that he swore he wanted, but now he is ambivalent. I feel completely pointless and weary. He later insisted he wanted to come, but his initial reaction was panic and anger. He denied this happened. He is so keen to 'prove' his interest, but it doesnt seem like it is there. I have no idea why he keeps me hanging on if he is not bothered.

Seriously, would you not be happier without him and this ongoing uncertainty and misery?

As a first step, can you get counselling just for yourself, to talk all this through and find a way out.

I think this is too weird for MN. I dont even know how to explain it in words.
We haven't had what you might call intimacy for years, although he insists he adores me.
I eventually became the same, and hardened.

He says things like
"I would love to sleep in the same bed but i snore"
"i would love to be able to marry you"
"I wish i could be with you"
"I would love to go away with you"

But he never, ever even tries to do any of them. My head is so truly fucked that I dont know if its me or something else.

I know men are not all the same, and we all show intimacy in different ways, but he claims he is trouble sexually, but wont let me help or does anyhting about it.

This is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever read on here.

you are on this earth once, do you really want this to be your life?

This isn’t too weird for mumsnet but its very sad. Tell us what you hope to accomplish in your life? What goals do you hope to achieve?

Would you like to be with a whole human who can care about you, have sex with you, play with you, travel with you, support you, basically actually LOVE you not just say he loves you? If so you have to leave this useless old shoe of a man and start voyaging to find yourself a good one.

If a man says “Id like to (do X) but is unable or unwilling to do what it takes to do X then he is just lying, to himself or to you, about his real intentions.

He snores? If he wanted to sleep with you he’d go to the doctor and get it fixed. All the things that prevent him from doing things with snd for you? Its all bullshit. If a man wants to do something he does it.

Please go to counselling - your own individually x

Does he have mental health problems?

Could he be neurdivergent (on spectrum/Aspergers syndrome)?

What are his parents like? Did he have a cohesive, loving family when growing up?

I do think some counselling might help, but my head is so fractured right now. This has gone on for so many years, there is definitely 'love' but no real intimacy, and I dont just mean sex. We can laugh, share, cry, but there is a distance in him that feels hopeless. I ask and he says he has issues to work out, but they never work out and it has been years.

I dont know if he is depressed, he says not. He certainly has passion for his work. He is always interested in making time for work friends and is so focused on that. With me, ther eis no focus or drive.

I think tonight i am at the end of my line, he let me book a holiday with the impression we would share it and then cried off. When I ask him why he does things like this he just looks stunned, doesnt speak, just stares at me with puzzlement. Sometimes i wonder if i am being played.

I long to be happy and in a loving place, I want fun and plans and shared excitement. I have no idea anymore of this is possible. I have been in this so long that i cant imagine.

If you’ve been with him since you were about 20 and he was 35, off and on do you think it would be fair to say you were conditioned when you were a young woman in terms of your expectations and boundaries. Had you met when you were 35 perhaps you’re relationship would not have lasted if it had begun at all.

If that rings true and explains why you’ve stayed so long, it’s a good reason to end your relationship.

In any case, It seems your relationship isn’t what you want it to be and unlikely ever to be and needs ending.

You’re only 50 and can have a lot of good years ahead of you but probably not with this man. And sadly years pass very quickly and before you know it you’ll be his age and possibly as stuck in your ways as he is now. Don’t miss out on life out of habit

His reticence about the holiday came with excuses that he was worried about leaving the house empty. But we used to do this all the time! It is beginning to feel like excuses, and I am wondering im going mad.
Later he says he would like to come, but he doesnt look interested. it is like trying to read two pages at once, there is no actual coherence.

I went away last septemeber for a week, he wouldnt come because he said he had work to do (he didnt) and that the house was unsafe.
The thing that hurt the most was he said "but i would be wasting time".

And then this person professes he loves me and cant understand why I feel confused. God can someone tell me i am not insane because i am starting to feel it?

"I ask and he says he has issues to work out, but they never work out and it has been years."

I would find it really frustrating. He clearly has some serious issues and he most likely won't change at a ripe age of 65.

I second counselling. There must be a reason you were OK to accept lack of intimacy for so many years.

yes, i feel shamed of myself now and stupid. I had so much patience and was so happy to help him. We just sit month after month with no real contact. I often feel that if i let the ball drop, he would not catch it, and the whole thing would melt into nothingness. I am tired of holding that ball.

You need to drop that ball x

Seriously, he won't change and you deserve much much better than this

Move out, find somewhere to rent, live your life

Go on OP, free yourself from this half life

"God can someone tell me i am not insane because i am starting to feel it? "

Look up Cassandra syndrome and see if it resonates with you

https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/cassandra-syndrome-and-emotional-deprivation-disorder-counseling

I can’t really work out how this is a relationship - you don’t share food, drink, special moments, do anything together, have a sexual relationship, share a bed and he doesn’t want to come on holiday with you. It sounds like you are housemates - in a house you don’t like and have wanted to move away from for years.
All there is left is shared history but with a long time where nothing positive has been added, and a child who is now grown up and gone.
If you left you can spend time with people who actually find you interesting and have a much richer life either with a new partner or with friends.
The age gap must be a significant factor - you met when you were young and have spent such a long time with him - time to see what else is out there.

"yes, i feel shamed of myself now and stupid"

It's difficult to see that in the moment but what are you going through right now might be positive longterm. It could be beginning of some kind of breakthrough

You have to end it with him. This is not the way to live. If he wanted to be intimate with you he would. If he wanted to do things together he would. If he wanted to marry you he would.

Op if I were you I'd cancel his part of the holiday, speak no further about it and just go by yourself.

Take some time to yourself, nourish yourself with plenty of sleep, good food and good books, walks, fresh air.

Have a really good think about what you want in life. Be brave and make a plan. Time is too precious to spend with people who don't value you, or cherish you. You've given it 30 years, enough. Give yourself the next 30.

Thanks, I know this in my heart. We have such a close thing, are so comfortable together, but in a way this in only on those terms he sets. He deines everything and just ells me it isnt true, or i am wrong. it is impossible to converse about our relationship as he says he feels under a spotlight and 'attacked' but i dont attack him! Im just so tired of thois year after year.

You are right that I am at the end. I keep feeling such pain, and cant unsee it now. I can't got back to that. I havent made plans, but i was so looking forward to our holiday. I feel depressed going alone but feel now that I ought o make it special in some way.

Op if I were you I'd cancel his part of the holiday, speak no further about it and just go by yourself.

I know this is the best thing for me, even if i am often scared to do it. You are so right that if i do go and dont mention him coming, he will offer to take me there and drop me off and act sympathetic as he drives away, whilst never showing interest in actually staying and having fun with me.
It is like he lives in self pity, denying himself pleasure with me. It is like a fucking shrine he worships at.