This is painful, am I a doormat?

[HelloShupa]

I am in an on off 30 year relationship. One child who has left home. We have been happy and had a good life, but in recent years things have changed, but not by my hand.
He is a musician and engineer, in the past few years he has been increasingly distant. He is not remotely interested in sex or women, and puts all of his energy into his work. We are very close and love each other, but it feels like he isnt interested in anything romantic. We dont share food, drink, days out or any special moments. I try, and there is always some reason we can't do it.

It has come to a head recently. for me.
I have been having a really stressful time at work and booked a two week break. He told me he was all in, and happy to come along. Since i paid and booked it this evening he is now stressed and panicking about the date. He was told all this beforehand. Now he says he is only interested in coming along for a few days each week, even though his work is mobile and not urgent.
I needed to sort travel and he says he can't do it, but he has no engagements on tis date. Why let me bloody book it!!!???

I only give this example. There are many, it has been this way for a while. A part of me has thought this is contempt, and no man who was interested in me would behave this way.
I m just so tired of it all, so weary. I dont ask for much at all, but the essential tings just dont seem to be there.
I am 50 and he is 65, and approacing is pension, at this point there seems to be no interest in my welfare. We live in our inherited house in a bad are and i have wanted to move for so many year and am so unhappy. He is not interested in that but claims we will be ok after his pension.

Is this remotely normal? I am an odd ball and don't wish to live a conventional life but this seems so tragic.

Such a waste of your time trying to figure this man out. He id defective in a deep way. HE can not figure himself out, grasp his desires, work on his limitations, grow snd change.
You didn’t make him this way snd you can’t change him. He was 35 when he got with a naive 20 year old. He was able to seem superficially charming and desirable and attached to you but 30 years on he is only able to pretend those things still. He is not really there. Stop trying to take responsibility for his shit.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do. With your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver

I did meant to add to my last post that i have recently become aware of this. I have spent years trying to work 'us' out rather than simply him, but it amounts to the same thing.
I doubt there is anything to fix anyway, this is not a temporary flaw, it's who he just is.
It is true that his behaviour and life plans are not my responsibility, it isnt my job to fix them and i am not his therapist.
I was able to go along with this for years, until I became so truly unhappy that I began to feel ill. Now my behaviour has become more stressed and anxious as a result.
He supports my choices always, and would never hold me back, but i think knowing there isnt any visible sense of him needing or desiring to be with me that just kills romance flat out.
I am beginning to think that as i have grown older I have changed, and this lifestyle just isnt what makes me happy anymore. Yes, I need to focus, selfishly if need be, on my own needs now. I need to drop the ball and trust myself to thrive.

His sister once told me he didn't suit commitment, he later responded that she really didnt know him well enough to say that. Strangely enough, looking back, he was not angry with her for it. So, according to this metric, his sister is either
A) stirring trouble, or B) perceptive.

Honestly. You’re wasting your time. I guarantee he’s not out there fretting about you. He’s not bothered. You’ve just always been there. You’re choosing to be a doormat. If you weren’t there he just wouldn’t wipe his shoes and it wouldn’t bother him.

I know you will ignore this next piece of advice but it would be great if you didn’t.

• Go on that holiday on your own.

So much of what you are all telling me has gone through my own head for years. I am aware of all of this, but havent felt the strength to convince myself fully. And I don't know why. It would seem like I dont even need advice, I already bloody know. I just need more spine. WTF is wrong with me??? I am a coward.

Time to say goodbye to your old life and hello to your new life, you only get one, don't waste it, there's a whole world out there waiting for you.

I was able to go along with this for years, until I became so truly unhappy that I began to feel ill. Now my behaviour has become more stressed and anxious as a result.

Your life is a perfect example of the boiled frog analogy.

Plus he got you so young - you never had a chance to gain the kind of life experience that would have led to you realising that this is not normal.

And here you are. Aged 50, stressed and anxious. All because of him. The man who doesn't care.

You know that you can still turn your ship around. But not his - he is who he is, he will not change, however much you analyse him.

Take seriously that you are co-dependent and in a toxic relationship with a very narcissistic person. And also that for a large amount of the time you got a kind of sad, toxic, psychic reward from the relationship.

When we submit to the romance of the bad relationship we also submit to the flattery of imagining that we are more important to this selfish person than we are. You have spent 30 years admiring him, struggling with him, begging for improvement , examining your siul for faults and what has it gotten you? Lip service (“oh i wish i could marry you” and fuck all “oh its too hard to do it for you.”

Stop imagining you are more important than his toaster. He might be “sad” if you left or were not available but he certainly would not bestir himself to do anything differently to keep you or make you happy. He can always replace you with a younger appliance.

Stop imagining you are more important than his toaster.
Ok this was my first hearty laugh of the past 48 hours

Seriously though, the pattern doesn't seem to fit codependency and im not quite convinced he is a narc at all, but we are obviously no longer remotely compatible. As I have grown older I see that we are fundamentally different in too many ways, possibly always were, and his communication style is shit. He has historically done some awful things to me (let downs, not being there, etc) and the pattern of let downs are getting too old now.

i would love to hear why anyone might think it is codependency, ive been reading but can't find any similarities. I am happy to learn.

@PaminaMozart Thank you, all of this makes sense. I think the worst of all of this is that my support network is thin right now, as my remaining family are overseas and I have lost touch with a few friends that weren't too great either.
It's terrifying to leap out but I am so so desperate in my heart to find my strength.

You’re not a coward. this is the only life you have ever known, from 20-50. All your life you’ve been worshipping him and analysing him and focussing on his needs and waiting for him to change to be the man you want him to be.

Youve been brain washed - of course you are scared of leaving . It’s only natural.

It’s the sunken coats fallacy - you have invested 30 years of your life in him and you’ve not got the return your hoped for. You are scared to leave now in case somehow he’s just about to change for the better and all your dreams will come true.

god no, it isnt because i think he could change just as i leave, i do not believe that for one minute. He will carry on doing his thing and fill the house with bachelor chums.

It's because i have lost my confidence. I am not scared of being without him, I am scared of change.

Well you are 50. How many more decades of your life will you waste with him ?

what are you waiting for - him to die and leave you the house ?

Will it be easier or harder to leave now or in a years time ?

Yes, now is crucial, I have the spare cash to form a bridge - it may not be there in the future.

He isnt really in my wildest dreams. I love him as a person, but my dreams involve a few good female friends, nature, hiking, concerts and art. I dream of warm companions and lively minds. And cats.

His version, when i asked him what he thought i wanted from life was "a better man who can get you out of this crap town and show you a good time"

That left me gobsmacked.

Do you have enough money to buy a place of your own or would you rent? If you are not sure what you want then renting for 6-12 months might have more sense .

Does your self employed job tie you to a certain location?

Do you have any friends or family that you’d like to live close to?

Most of the comments from him are very passive agressive . The “ you deserve someone better “ means

“ I know I’m a shit partner and I CBA to improve but I never promised you anything - what you see is what you get, so it’s your own fault if you stay. Don’t moan that I’m useless , you were warned “ .

And the thing about him not hearing you - it was to piss you off and punish you for misbehaving. rather then just tell you what you had done to annoy him and discuss it like adults.

Same with the blank stare when you try to raise issues with him. He’s training you not to do it again because you know it’s pointless.

Are you actually married?

Finally some truth? You are frightened of change because this is all you have ever known.

So why have the majority of your posts been about him and how you can’t understand why he says one thing and does another? Like if you could understand him things could be better and you could stay and have your cake and eat it too?

You have compromised and limited your life: no sex, no companionship, no marriage, no security—that is co dependency not just dependency since all the way along you have accepted that his needs take primacy. You think he’s not controlling because why? You have ended up doing it to yourself. That us the Fear part of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Its the unholy trinity.

“Mine all involved 'us', but his only involved 'him'. I have explained how that hurt me and he just said 'that is not true', which is what he says to literally everything when I try to talk. It is like a solid wall of dismissal.”

Yet in your next post you say he never puts you down. Can you not see that in constantly dismissing what you’re telling him, he is very definitely putting you down? And has been doing so for such a long time that you don’t see it?

You’ve spent all these years with a man who is frankly very cruel to you and messes you around all the time. It looks as though you’ve woken up. It isn’t too late to have a better life. You have recognised that you need to leave but don’t know how - maybe the next step is for you to get some counselling with a view to planning your exit. If you’re not married to him, have no kids, no joint finances or joint mortgage, in practical terms it isn’t difficult, so there must be other issues that stop you walking away. These will not be insurmountable. One thing you’ll need to do is stop concerning yourself with his motives, intentions and feelings. Analysing why he’s so horrible to you is futile and isn’t going to help you get free of him and have a better future.

Oh he is so full of shit. That us straight up covert or martyr narcissistic manipulation. He is playing you.

Tell me @HelloShupa , do you pay half the bills on the house ?

And how do you divide up the housework, cooking , shopping, laundry , repairs, DIY, gardening and household admin ?

When you say you don’t share food and drink, do you mean one of you shops and cooks but you don’t eat together?

Or that you have your own individual food in the fridge and your own food cupboards, like flat mates ?

Have you ever been away with him on holiday or work? Or is it your job to stay at home and look after the house, as he doesn’t like it being empty?

Im just trying to understand your relationship a bit better.

Dont worry that anything you say is “ too weird for MN”. Every family has their own set up. No one here is judging you - we are trying to help.

Yes yes i have woken up, and the magnitude of it all is making my heart jump around like a trapped rat as i havent slept. I need to find some calm and soothe myself before i go away on thursday. Yoga always helps me, and I might get a terrible takeaway and find some films.

You are all right, you really are, and I already knew this.

The dismissive stuff and the defensiveness has been crucifying me for a long time. It was a late arrival in our relationship, but quite head screwing. And he KNOWS very well how much it affects me. I am beginning to think he chooses to do it. I cant see what he gets out of being with me then. Why not just retreat like he did in the past when he got upset or didnt want to deal with a big event? Perhaps he's lost the energy to care.

When you say you don’t share food and drink, do you mean one of you shops and cooks but you don’t eat together?

It's an odd set up that just seemed to evolve without me noticing at first. He often switches his diet around due to IBS. I love veggies, he doesnt, but he has always loved any meals i have cooked. In the past 7 years or so he has changed his dinner time to hours after I eat, says it's his IBS. I stopped bothering cooking us meals.

The house and storage are 'normal'.

The oddest thing is booze. He has a few drinks twice per week and like to be on his own. We don't share any alcohol ever, although did when younger. He does his creative work when drinking and prefers that time to himself, which is fair. But it is still odd for a couple that it never ever varies, even to the day and time he does it.

We never go anywhere together unless i instigate it and fit it around his plans.

He has never tried to sleep or lie in my bed for years. The last time we tried to have sexual contact he became frustrated with himself and stopped. I was encouraging and kind, but whilst not angry with me he said he couldn't fulfil me like men from the past (whatever the fuck that means, since ive had very few!)

Anyway, i agree that my current focus now has to be me me me and not him.

If he wanted to be there he would. Full stop.

Of course he gets something from it! He will never let you go no matter how much he verbally or non verbally rejects you or retreats from you. Stop trying to project your way of being on to him. Your thinking process is incorrect. He is not like you—he is like himself. He likes it the way he dies it: bribe, seduce, dangle favors, give attention, sulk, withdraw, withhold. These are allll tools in his toolkit.

His goal is to control you, keep you, but also not to give you freely or securely what you want.