This is painful, am I a doormat?

[HelloShupa]

I am in an on off 30 year relationship. One child who has left home. We have been happy and had a good life, but in recent years things have changed, but not by my hand.
He is a musician and engineer, in the past few years he has been increasingly distant. He is not remotely interested in sex or women, and puts all of his energy into his work. We are very close and love each other, but it feels like he isnt interested in anything romantic. We dont share food, drink, days out or any special moments. I try, and there is always some reason we can't do it.

It has come to a head recently. for me.
I have been having a really stressful time at work and booked a two week break. He told me he was all in, and happy to come along. Since i paid and booked it this evening he is now stressed and panicking about the date. He was told all this beforehand. Now he says he is only interested in coming along for a few days each week, even though his work is mobile and not urgent.
I needed to sort travel and he says he can't do it, but he has no engagements on tis date. Why let me bloody book it!!!???

I only give this example. There are many, it has been this way for a while. A part of me has thought this is contempt, and no man who was interested in me would behave this way.
I m just so tired of it all, so weary. I dont ask for much at all, but the essential tings just dont seem to be there.
I am 50 and he is 65, and approacing is pension, at this point there seems to be no interest in my welfare. We live in our inherited house in a bad are and i have wanted to move for so many year and am so unhappy. He is not interested in that but claims we will be ok after his pension.

Is this remotely normal? I am an odd ball and don't wish to live a conventional life but this seems so tragic.

You hold down a job and have financial self independence so are in a much better position than most. You could walk away from this tomorrow. He is clearly weird and sees you as some sort of flatmate only. At 65 he’s going to be retiring soon and you’re stuck with him around the whole time. Or he could die and leave the house to someone else. You’ve no protection or psychological safety here.

Personally I’d get a flat and move out, and perhaps save for further independence as you look towards retirement.

Do you have real life friends or family to talk to? If not, can you join clubs or volunteer to gain some new contacts and a new life?

This is really interesting stuff. Please reread. I believe my dh is on the spectrum, undiagnosed, but we have issues, especially as I didn’t form very secure attachments in childhood. Not to this extreme though op and he does show love to me to the best of his ability. Therapy helped me a lot. We have also been together the same length of time and am about your age.

I don’t think I could handle a partner as aloof as this. I would look to get out especially as he’s offered you zero financial protection. Probably the most useful right now is to seek therapy. You deserve to be loved. You’re so young to never have intimacy, even a hand hold ever again.

Have a look at this thread and see if anyone else’s experiences feel familiar to you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4904334-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-9?page=16&reply=132992857

^^ Neurodiverse is what I thought. Some neurodiverse people don’t like holidays because it’s anxiety inducing out of routine and they feel less in control. Plus that immediate panic at the suggestion of doing something ‘different’. Worrying about the house could be an excuse or he may have some ocd traits.

If he won’t go to counselling, then go on your own. If you understand his (possibly yours as well?) neurodiversity, then you’re in a better position to understand it’s him, not you and to make a more informed decision about staying or leaving.

Pkease don’t feel ashamed about this, OP. It’s not normal and it’s not what most people want out of a relationship at all, but nor is it the sort of thing you can identify as obviously abusive. You have a sense that he’s not a bad person and not doing this on purpose. But you can never really trust what he says he will do, and you can’t work out why on Earth he behaves the way he does - nor can he tell you himself or think about it with you. He just stands mute and looks puzzled.

That’s what makes these relationships such a headfuck. He says he loves you, and probably believes in some abstract way that he does, but he can’t behave in a loving way and fundamentally can’t share himself with anyone or anything but his work and interests.

Please try not to feel ashamed though. You’re not alone, and there are lots of us in similar situations. You have put so much into trying to understand. Now the work is in letting go, knowing you’ll never understand, and making a life for yourself that has joy in it for you.

As others have said, it sounds like he is neurodiverse. But another options - is it possible he is gay and in the closet?

Regardless, what you actually have is a friendship where you share a house. That's it. This is not a proper relationship. You are 50, still relatively young, get out now while you have time to rebuild yourself and make a new life with someone else, a life where you share food and a bed and holidays and feel like you are in a couple

Why can a man never just be a prick on here without the endless fucking armchair diagnoses of autism?

It’s incredibly insulting to autistic people that it’s assumed that any shit man is ND. A wanker is a wanker.

@HelloShupa - as a PP said, you were 20 and he was 35 when you got together. Your age gap was nearly as old as you. There are reasons why older men choose so much younger and inexperienced women and they are never to the young woman’s benefit.

Women closer to him in age would likely have wanted something more serious and committed; he chose a very young woman who probably wouldn’t want that for several years and whom he could “mould”. Hence the bullying business of leaving you for months on end if you didn’t behave how he wanted you to.

You live in his house and have a child together so there has been some commitment on his side but not a proper level of commitment and you’re not going to get it now.

Don’t be ashamed but do recognise that if you want a chance of something different (whether that’s with someone else or alone but not pining and neglected) then you need to move on.

Seriously don't be scared. Go. Have a little adventure for yourself. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he wants and focus on what you want.

You've taken the courage to come here and open up. That's huge. Start loving yourself and finding out what you want from life. What life you can have for yourself. Take this little step.

Nobody is saying all autistic people are like this. We’re recognising a dynamic that is there in lots of unhappy ND relationships. People don’t tend to post & ask for advice / support in happy relationships. Perhaps you could start your own thread about positive ND relationships if you’re concerned autistic people are being maligned - I actually think a lot of people would benefit from that.

Do you think he is a homosexual at heart, but nonpractising?

Take someone else on your holiday. Your child or a friend?
He can come up and join in for a day or two.

You need to be stronger in living each day as you would like to live. Create a life that you enjoy but leave the relationship if your happily designed solo existence is not enough.

Or like below advises - take a lover.

Exactly. He doesn't want intimacy- that's fine. Get yourself a lover.

Thanks for listening. I feel heard, which is something I have realised I am lacking these days.
I read up on cassandra syndrome, and I am sure many of us can recognise ourselves in there. It may explain some elements of our relationship, but not all by any means.

I do not think he is gay. He was very highly driven, sexually, at one time. Over the years and into his 40's he became down about himself and experienced ED. I was supportive but it made him distant. This was compounded by a few years apart where we both had a short relationship with other people. He never got over mine, and became obsessed with it when we got back together. I think he has been punishing me for it for a long time, and has told me this damaged him sexually, but he still desires me. What a head fuck, eh?
That was in 2004.

He is not known to be neurodivergent, we always assumed I was the communicator and he was more the silent type. But he is vocal in every other way with other people. He hates any talk of relationship struggles, it makes him act like a deer in headlights.

But there are no plans for our future, I am to keep working, and we have recently discovered that when he gets his state pension he will lose pension credit because I am younger than him. He is upset by this and I am just baffled. I suggested living apart if it is so important to him, even knowing it is much less expensive to share regardless of pension credit! It makes me feel so unwanted and uncared for. He keeps saying he will make a will but doesn't. I am tired of bringing it up. If i bring things up too often I get put into the role of nagging mum or school teacher, it is demeaning.

I sobbed last night for the first time in many years, he tried to hold me. I am at a point where i dont think either of us knows wtf. He cant seem to see that his reactions to me hurt so much (the holiday). And he seems frustrated and overwhelmed by my basic needs. If i try to talk about the problem, he seems to be do ok until saying 'you need someone else who can please you better than me" and just doesnt understand how much that hurts. It is like he just gives in and doesnt care.

OP, this sounds incredibly painful and I am so sorry for your pain but I think you really need to stand up and take action. I am a little older than you (55) and even at this age I hope and pray that I would find it in myself to start a new life if I had to. You are absolutely not too old to move on and find happiness.

To me you sound like a person with fantastic spirit who would live a really incredible life if you free yourself up to do so.

a) Go on this holiday - see it as a trial of the new you, experiencing the world without this man holding you back.

b) Stop listening to what he says and look at what he does - the 2 are miles apart.

c) A "zombie", however "lovely" is still a "zombie". You are full of life. The 2 are simply not compatible.

d) Find some counselling for yourself.

Make a determination today that your life begins anew at 50. Think ahead to when you are about to turn 60 and how grateful and thankful you will be that you wished this man well but moved on from him many years ago.

I truly wish you well.

I think the thing you need to take from this, sadly, is that he doesn’t care in the way you’d like him to. He’s not capable of it. No amount of wishing it were different can change this. Read some books about codependency and see if you can get out of the habit of trying to understand and get through to him, because you can’t. And it’s not your fault. He’s living in a different emotional dimension to you.

If you feel you can live alongside him without an expectation of care and intimacy, and you feel you can really genuinely stop hoping this will happen, cohabitation as friendly housemates might become easier. But if you really want to be cared about and loved it is not going to happen in this relationship, and it’s nothing you’ve done, and nothing that is wrong with you. He will never understand you or prioritise you or be able to meet your needs - however much he says he would like to. He just can’t. He doesn’t have the relational equipment.

I’m afraid I think you have wasted thirty years of your life, since you were twenty on this awful, awful selfish man.

Well you haven't got a time machine. There was some good in your relationship and you have your son at the end of the day. You have some nice memories but more bad recently at least. You know that leaving is the only realistic option. You are just living off memories. You are also at quite an important crunch point. Do you have any savings? You maybe have around 15 or at a push 20 years of work left to secure your future. So I would take the holiday alone and while you are away think carefully about how you can realistically secure your future. If I were in your shoes I'd work out if there was any possible way to get a mortgage that could be paid off in that time so you had your own small property.

Cancel the holiday and use the 2 weeks leave to find yourself a new place to rent, and start packing.

That will be the true holiday, moving into your own place that you can make your own, no more second-guessing and anxieties, just a springboard for making a better life for YOU.

You are only 50, you are still young and have the real opportunity to live another 20/30/40 years happily alone or happily with another person. This man does not value you. Please be strong and take steps to leave the relationship permanently. You deserve love, affection, sexual intimacy and support.

Too short notice to cancel i think, but i do need a break so will go.
I have savings, but my initial move to rent will tear through a good bit, and I am not sure I want a mortgage. I have a lot to mull over though and this could change.

It is true that I can't see any changes in the future if i stay. I am sure he loves me in his own way but i have felt intellectually and emotionally alone for too long.

I so wanted us to go on this holiday with him because I am sick of travelling alone, have done it every year, and was excited about having someone to share it with. I dont know how to turn it into something positive with all this in mind but will try.

I am aware that I have been a fool for all of these years. I dont waste time on regrets, but my mind is aware and I would do it differently If i could go back.

I once asked him did he have any ambitions or dreams he would like to fulfil before he dies. His only and serious answer was to finish and catalogue his creative work. That was it. Nothing about people, love or places.
Mine all involved 'us', but his only involved 'him'. I have explained how that hurt me and he just said 'that is not true', which is what he says to literally everything when I try to talk. It is like a solid wall of dismissal.

I think i do really want to get out of this but have become depressed and isolated and have no idea where to start. Im not even bothered about finding another man, I just want warmth and good times.

You can have warmth and good times OP most definitely.

Relationships take effort from both sides and it seems you have provided 100% of your effort and at least half of his!

You have now got to the point where what he is able to offer you is just not enough. That's fine. Don't get bogged down with regret it was obviously manageable until now.

You might just find that being single feels less lonely than being in this relationship because you have a lot of the restrictions of being attached without any of the benefits.

Make plans to find your own place, go on the holiday and start looking after yourself and building the life you want.

I predict he will try and stop you leaving because this arrangement suits him 100% and he is incapable of understanding (or caring) that it is not enough for you.

Good luck

Jesus! Stop trying to move him with emotion “that hurt me” “I’m sad” “I need” are all foreign concepts to him. He not only doesn’t understand them he actively rejects them.

Read “Why does he do that” and learn that you can figure out what type of wrong your man is without needing to have clarity with his motive is. You don’t have to be fair to him, see the good in him, remember that he has done x or y for you in the past. You only have to realize for the first and last time that for whatever reason this man is utterly selfish and self absorbed. He will never change.

Maybe because those of us NT who are in a relationship with people on the spectrum can recognised some very specific attitudes and behaviours that make the whole thing hard work?

Its not possible to say at the same time that ASD is a disability and ask for that to be taken into account whilst also rejecting the idea that living with someone with a disability can be hard because somehow that disability is autism.

Note I didn’t say that the OP’s dh is a wanker or that his behaviour is down to autism.
Nor do I say that ALL people on the spectrum will behave that way, simply because autism is a spectrum and shows itself in different ways in different people (plus the man & woman thing etc….).
But the ‘no one is hard work because of their autism. It’s just because they are wankers’ doesn’t sit well with me.

Note: I am disabled myself and have been told countless of times that I need to be realistic and there is no other choice than me being hard to live with. Because you know… disability putting barriers in the way, which tbf it does.

He doesn't fit the pattern of a typical abuser, nor does he have control issues, although we have slipped into a pattern of me trying to reach him, and him acting dumb. I will likely have my own part in some of it, so must accept responsibility for my actions as well. Which I am trying to do, but often don't think he does....haaagh.

He has admitted to having 'awful issues he can't deal with'. He is obviously distressed about his sense of masculinity concerning sexual performance so opts to avoid it rather than fail at it.
He is well mannered and treats me very well as a human being. He is a good listener and will do anything for me, and never, ever puts me down. He is always happy to sing my praises. I think he is consumed with some sort of self loathing or disappointment and during a recent discussion admitted that. He really doesnt like discussing these things so my pressure to do so could seem overwhelming to him.

My issue is the distance, really. The lack of motivation to change and grow or share intimate things. We are the absolute best of friends when we are not discussing the relationship. He has become more lethargic and hyperfocused on work and internet than conversation or plans in recent years.
A friend has asked me if it could be depression.

Personally i think it's sex. It was a big part of his identity, and i dont mean that in a negative way. He has withdrawn over time but I suspect it deeply troubles him.

There is the one odd thing i wonder if anyone else has ever experienced, i would love to know: Every few months he never seems to hear what I say, whatever the occasion or where we are. He asks me to repeat things sometimes three times. This has led to conflict as it can make me feel like im going nuts as i do try to speak clearly. Medically he has no hearing issues (has checked). But it goes away a while later and then returns in a couple of months. He doesn't seem to miss hear other people. A dark little part of me often wondered if this was some sort of unconscious 'pushing me away'.

Thing is @HelloShupa it doesn't really matter because you won't change him. All this searching for explanations and excusing his behaviour won't make him behave any differently

Put up with it and carry on as you are or decide you want something else out life and make the break.