This is painful, am I a doormat?

[HelloShupa]

I am in an on off 30 year relationship. One child who has left home. We have been happy and had a good life, but in recent years things have changed, but not by my hand.
He is a musician and engineer, in the past few years he has been increasingly distant. He is not remotely interested in sex or women, and puts all of his energy into his work. We are very close and love each other, but it feels like he isnt interested in anything romantic. We dont share food, drink, days out or any special moments. I try, and there is always some reason we can't do it.

It has come to a head recently. for me.
I have been having a really stressful time at work and booked a two week break. He told me he was all in, and happy to come along. Since i paid and booked it this evening he is now stressed and panicking about the date. He was told all this beforehand. Now he says he is only interested in coming along for a few days each week, even though his work is mobile and not urgent.
I needed to sort travel and he says he can't do it, but he has no engagements on tis date. Why let me bloody book it!!!???

I only give this example. There are many, it has been this way for a while. A part of me has thought this is contempt, and no man who was interested in me would behave this way.
I m just so tired of it all, so weary. I dont ask for much at all, but the essential tings just dont seem to be there.
I am 50 and he is 65, and approacing is pension, at this point there seems to be no interest in my welfare. We live in our inherited house in a bad are and i have wanted to move for so many year and am so unhappy. He is not interested in that but claims we will be ok after his pension.

Is this remotely normal? I am an odd ball and don't wish to live a conventional life but this seems so tragic.

Living parallel not loving parallel

I think ive known deep down for a few years now that I will eventually leave so haven't given much thought to his home or will in terms of myself. If he wanted to marry me now I would want to run, and have known this, I think i have been preparing for a long time, waiting the gather the confidence.

That list is a good idea. I remember telling him 2 years ago that he made statements AT me rather than showing me who he was, for example "i always show you I care", "I am not shutting you out"...whilst carrying on doing so, etc.

I had a horrible first marriage and we lived parallel lives. I pretended to the world that all was well and it bumbled along until we reached my birthday,his birthday( he would want to go out with friends rather than me),our wedding anniversary, Christmas. He could say he needed to go into work at weekends ( he didnt need to work at all) but you can't do that over the days of Christmas when you work in a business that revolves around school terms and shuts down when schools are not open. Those days were really hard. After he left me I really struggled. As time went on it got better but I would often have wobbles. I was advised to write down positives and negatives of our relationship, add to the list as I thought of things and then read it whenever I had a wobble. The further away from our relationship I got the more the scales fell from my eyes. I couldn't believe I'd put up with so much hollow,shallow shit.

`@AngelinaFibres that sounds awful, I can relate to the sense of confusion, it can feel like some sort of low key abuse because surely they must know it is hurtful, so why don't they leave sooner...I do hope you are managing better now.

It is so difficult witnessing it over time, you begin to notice they will watch you feel confused and even lonely, but insist all is well. Mine could watch me melt into the walls and go crazy before he'd offer to have a day out or share a film.

And they're not bothered. Yes, we are completely hoodwinked here, and because it doesn't have a common title (narc abuse, jealousy, etc) it is hard to discuss with others or know how to search for similar experiences.

Im not sure if anyone will see this now but heck of a lot is falling in on me here. I am finding it hard to process the weight of what I can now see, from various cruelties over time, which I havent even mentioned here, how utterly, utterly wrong about him i have been.
I am calm but there is a very shaken desolation inside that I really am not familiar with, as if my entire life has been built on a lie.

I am focused on repair and reclaiming my life, but in the meantime if anyone can possibly point me to something I could read to help deal with the shock of feeling like this i would be so grateful. Any books or old threads, etc.

Gosh this is tough. Remembering the earlier ones are the hardest, they were quite awful. I hope to god this gets easier.

I’m still here. It’s morning for me.

I can’t recommend a book - someone else will be along who will.

But, do go on your holiday without him. Take pen and paper and write down your thoughts, your dreams and, with the clarity of distance, make lists. Prepare for a new life and prepare how to get there.

But also make sure you spend time just enjoying where you are and what you are doing. ‘Cos you will be on holiday.

Seems like you are friends with a history

Action does louder than words

Thank you:)
It's the anger, at the moment, or more like disgust. I may no longer wish to fix things but remembering things with a new clarity has overwhelmed me a bit.

It is interesting to see how little he communicates with me now that I am not asking for or making conversation, There's a lot of stuff going on in my life at the moment and he doesnt even ask me one single question about my day.
I thin he's relaxed and happy right now because I am not engaging. What a weird set up.

Before this new awareness, I would have asked him why. Living like that was so demeaning and i think i have wanted to get out for years.

@HelloShupa You’re in shock. It’s incredibly hard to process something so profound. It will take a while and I don’t believe you can force it.

Instead of trying to read books or old MN threads it might be better to focus on things that you are doing for yourself, such as your holiday plans, looking up groups you can join, or something in your work. A bit later on you will feel clear headed enough to plan your exit in detail, including finding somewhere to live and the logistics of moving. At least you’re not in imminent danger from a violent man, so you don’t have to rush. Rest your mind for a while - sleep on it as they say.

You’ll often see replies on MN from women saying “that reminds me of my ex”, “my ex used to do that and it was horrible”. Ex being the key word. They escaped, they’re not having to endure that any more, they’re living a happier life. So will you- you’ve taken the first steps mentally and you will get there.

You’re not the only one who believed and hoped that their relationship wasn’t really that bad and their partner wasn’t really hurting them deliberately. Realising that you’re truly not valued by your partner is deeply shocking and hard to accept. It’s hit you, and you’re spurred into action, which is a positive.

Instead of pinning your hopes on a book to help you, why not simply sit with your feelings for a while, process them, and be grateful that you have woken up to the reality of the relationship, and relish the future that now opens up for you, without this selfish man who makes you miserable. Then dust yourself off and focus on the practicalities - what to do on your holiday, finding a flat, things you'll be able to do now that your free. Building the foundations for the rest of your life

"I am in an on off 30 year relationship"

I didn't read any further that that.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with insecurity?

If not, you need to take steps to change it.

Just run away, as from a forest fire, and try to figure out how it started and proceeded from a safe distance in therapy.

I do think that some awareness of what has gone on, especially issues that might hold back my progress, are pertinent at the moment. An example such as trauma bonding - if i am aware that this is a pattern i recognise, it is helpful to see that at this stage, as opposed to unconsciously slipping back into a snare.
I can't get therapy during my trip away, and have quite a lot of anxiety since this hit me, so i can't rush this.
Understanding some of the mechanics of how I got to this point is vital to help me out of it safely. Most manipulated women don't really just run for the hills and get free like in a tampon advert. I need to understand my feelings then I can guide myself well.

Don’t stop to argue your point here, or with him. Just start leaving.

@HelloShupa as a previous poster said - don’t listen to what he says, look at what he DOES and how it makes you feel. What were your parents/caregivers like when you were a child that you feel this relationship is acceptable? It will be an effort for you to change things after 30 years, but small steps will get you in a better place. Good luck and enjoy your holiday!

Read your posts again

This is not 'comfortable'. You are not comfortable.

Please seek counselling to help you break away. You cannot continue to waste your life like this

Not comfortable at all, it became agony.
I am not interested in working him out, I am interested in why I tolerated it. Processing some of those memories this week has altered me inside and the focus is firmly now on me.
My point was this will be a process in my mind, rather than a sweet flight to freedom. I apologise if that didn't translate well.

it is very helpful for me at the moment to have faced why I tolerated cruelty.

I feel dreadful physically at the moment, like a shock has gone through me. I am eating ok but everything feels tasteless. I slept better last night but now have some physical niggles that I have endured during stress before.

Thanks to those of you who suggested making lists. That was absolutely SOOOO painful to face but i was shocked to feel much better afterwards.

What were your parents/caregivers like when you were a child that you feel this relationship is acceptable?

My parents were great, I felt very supported and loved, as did my siblings. My parents are no longer with us but I am the only one who seems to have made such an error as this.
I think as a pp put it, he got me too young. My family despaired often but did not try to force me. He also managed to charm my family quite a bit so hey ho.

Delving in to why I put up with the myriad abandonments and so on is difficult but If i begin to chastise myself it won't help my energy levels in the present.

There is a mnemonic for saving yourself when you are on fire: Stop, Drop, and Roll. Try that: stop yourself in your tracks when you start to ruminate, drop what you are doing and just curl yourself up and roll forward. The time to reflect is not now. Just put your energy into leaving.

I agree. You don’t need to understand in order to get out, as you believe. You already know this is a terrible relationship and you have to end it. I think you need to get out first, then you’ll be able to finally breathe, and you can work on understanding what happened to you after you’ve got away from him and his manipulation. He’s draining too much of your energy right now.

I maintain that you will feel a sense of freedom. Not as in running through meadows barefoot in the sunshine. Mental and emotional freedom, which won’t be 100% but will feel so much better than the life you have now with someone who keeps you feeling permanently uneasy.

You’re feeling it already- “That was absolutely SOOOO painful to face but i was shocked to feel much better afterwards.” That’s the kind of freedom I mean, freedom from uncertainty and doubting your own feelings.

Your situation sounds very challenging. Your feelings are valid and it might help to have a candid conversation with him about how his behavior affects you. Seeking support from a therapist could provide clarity and a safe space to express your emotions. Platforms like HopeQure offer online therapy sessions that might be convenient for both of you. Prioritizing your well-being is essential. For more insights, you can visit: https://www.hopequre.com/blogs/relationship-issues-and-how-counselling-helps