This is painful, am I a doormat?

[HelloShupa]

I am in an on off 30 year relationship. One child who has left home. We have been happy and had a good life, but in recent years things have changed, but not by my hand.
He is a musician and engineer, in the past few years he has been increasingly distant. He is not remotely interested in sex or women, and puts all of his energy into his work. We are very close and love each other, but it feels like he isnt interested in anything romantic. We dont share food, drink, days out or any special moments. I try, and there is always some reason we can't do it.

It has come to a head recently. for me.
I have been having a really stressful time at work and booked a two week break. He told me he was all in, and happy to come along. Since i paid and booked it this evening he is now stressed and panicking about the date. He was told all this beforehand. Now he says he is only interested in coming along for a few days each week, even though his work is mobile and not urgent.
I needed to sort travel and he says he can't do it, but he has no engagements on tis date. Why let me bloody book it!!!???

I only give this example. There are many, it has been this way for a while. A part of me has thought this is contempt, and no man who was interested in me would behave this way.
I m just so tired of it all, so weary. I dont ask for much at all, but the essential tings just dont seem to be there.
I am 50 and he is 65, and approacing is pension, at this point there seems to be no interest in my welfare. We live in our inherited house in a bad are and i have wanted to move for so many year and am so unhappy. He is not interested in that but claims we will be ok after his pension.

Is this remotely normal? I am an odd ball and don't wish to live a conventional life but this seems so tragic.

So you buy all the food and cook for yourself and then later he cooks for himself with the food you’ve bought - is that right?

Do you buy the alcohol that he drinks alone while he works?

And what about the housework, cleaning , laundry, etc - how does that work ? And the repairs and maintenance ?

And what about the bills? Council tax, gas and electric, insurance etc ?

@pikkumyy77 Daunting thought but i can see it. During separations in the past (not by my hand) he would often return to being 'friends' for a while and then we would naturally fall back together. This is a pattern.

No he buys his own, each have own shopping trolley , i often get an online delivery for mine.

I don't buy anything for him, we share bills and outgoings now as a couple. Housework and everything else is fine.

When you say “ it’s fine “, do you mean you divide it 50:50? Or “ it’s fine “ because he does it all and you are both happy with that arrangement?

I know I’m asking a lot but I’m trying to understand how your living arrangements is different from you being his lodger. One of my adult kids has a lodger to help pay the mortgage and it sounds exactly like you. Except they occasionally go out for drinks together as they have mutual friends.

They share all bills, buy their own food and cook separately. share the housework in common areas. Don’t share a bedroom obviously. Don’t go on holiday together. The lodger has no security of tenure and my child can put them out with a few weeks notice.

I can’t see the different in practice , except for your rhetoric that you are couple and are close. But everything you describe sounds the opposite of close .

It’s 100% this @HelloShupa .

”And he KNOWS very well how much it affects me. I am beginning to think he chooses to do it.” Of course he does. He isn’t just thoughtless, this can’t be anything other than deliberate.

”he has changed his dinner time to hours after I eat, says it's his IBS”. That’s nothing to do with IBS. It’s another way for him to mess with you and add to this separate-but-together situation that he’s created and tortures you with.

“He does his creative work when drinking and prefers that time to himself, which is fair. But it is still odd for a couple that it never ever varies, even to the day and time he does it.” This isn’t a couple issue, it’s him. Just him. His choice to drink alone on specific days is 100% his choice.

You’re definitely waking up and this is a lot to take in. You started out thinking (hoping) that others would say oh yes, some of this is normal in a relationship. But his behaviour really is extremely abnormal and extremely cruel. What will help you now is accepting that, giving up on understanding him (pointless), believing that he caused this horrible situation not you, and setting yourself free.

One day you will be able to look back and say to yourself “that was a bad time, he was a terrible partner, I’m so glad it’s over”.

You seem to have been very passive, as though getting back together just happens every time. It doesn’t, it’s a decision- you made a positive decision to do it, you’re not a leaf blowing in the wind. You are capable of making much better decisions.

Crikey, I have only this afternoon gained some clarity on what I am doing. He knows how I 'react'. Absolutely and utterly. I predictably react to certain things that he knows will either irritate or upset me (not always but enough). Tis is what gives me this sense of going in circles.
He also predictably reacts during any conflict, I can foresee it down to the very detail. Once you see this it's quite illuminating.

As of this moment, I will no longer react as expected. Not in the sense of game playing, but to sever the pattern.

Yes, all housework is ok, evenly done, He picks up the slack just fine. I don't live like a lodger.

Oh hun i'm sorry but you know the answer here. You 100% can do so much better than this guy, trust me the excuses are excuses. I went through the same kind of thing and I was confused and ashamed as well, and now that I am out of it I 100% see that if someone wants to then they will.

I would honestly leave him and not even bother letting him know either, he treats you so poorly that disappearing would be the only payback he deserved.

i would love to hear why anyone might think it is codependency, ive been reading but can't find any similarities. I am happy to learn

Honestly, don't bother to try and work out 30 years of a dysfunctional relationship! It's unhelpful distracting from what you need to do now. Just focus on you and the future. Work it out later if you must, via some counselling.

Start a Leaving To Do list. You say you are worried about change. So are most people, but once you get the ball rolling change will just happen. You already have separate money and in many ways separate lives, that's a start (though a shame that being unmarried you probably have no claim on a share of property you've contributed to).

You just need to have concrete plans and tick them off:
Find a flat - register with agencies, start looking on line. Set a deadline. Don't tell him you are leaving until you are ready to move in (he might surprise you how badly he takes this news).
A few good female friends - have you already got some? Start talking to them about your plans for your life. If not, join groups, make some. There are loads of like minded middle aged women out there ready for more friends (I know, I'm one, I love all the things on your list!)
Nature, hiking - join the Ramblers, something local, MeetUp/Facebook groups,(Outdooraholics have LOADS of trips)
Concerts and art* *- buy tickets, plan visits. Just GO.
Cats - start looking online at rescue centre photos. And join the Litter Tray section of MN for inspiration. Plan for the day you can get a cat (or three 😸)

I really agree with this.

Honestly you can get so obsessive over trying to work out what label to put on it that it stops you from moving forward. It kept me stuck for so long simply because I must identify what the situation is BEFORE i leave. I left and then got a counsellor and worked out what was going on afterwards - much better for me because I didn't have him there to deal with and upset me all the time.

if you want cats you can have mine - they're a pain in the butthole and meow outside my door at 4am. Joking: I love them really, and I would rather have them yowling outside my door than a man causing me heartache. Although there is hell to pay when I run out of treats but I can live with that.

Ah, landlords and cats, lol.....I will take that one step at a time!

This is all so helpful, thank you, seriously.

Im not interested in figuring anything out now. It is like a sheet has been ripped off everything. Am just replying to responses as I go through the thread. My main priority at the moment is a reduction in physical stress so that I have the energy and spirit to go on my break.

You're Only 50! Lots of my friends at my age (52) are out every weekend at various music concerts, visiting friends, going to the gym, doing their hobbies, city breaks etc etc. Don't waste your life on this joysucker

Basically you're in a relationship with no love, no intimacy, no shared interests. He's a tenant, or house share, whatever.
Go on the holiday alone. Tell him to find somewhere else to live.
And most important - forget about thinking that your friends are too busy to care or get involved: Get them involved, you need them. But you don't need him.

He's worried about losing pension credit yet he's always working? He has no private pension or savings? What has he been doing with his money all these years?!

He is self employed with savings.
No idea if he is even elegible for PC. I am past caring what reasons he uses to put impossibilities in front of me any more.

@Gerwurtztraminer has given you a great list - start doing it instead of dwelling on him and the past.

Re. Cats: as far as I'm aware, landlords are no longer allowed to deny tenants' reasonable requests to keep a small pet, or ask for an increased deposit.

Imagine yourself in your own little flat. With a cat. Doing stuff you want to do. Going to Meetup walks and events. Catching an exhibition without having all those anxious thoughts whirling around in your head.

https://youtube.com/shorts/e2-VAJlR1Jc?si=nrvrc3S0mRJIZ-ue

Look ahead ten years,OP. You will only be 60, he’ll be seventy five and probably starting to have health issues. Imagine yourself as his carer. Will you look back on your life together and think that, however hard you find the caring, it’s worth it because of what you mean to each other?
Or, imagine him as your carer/ companion in your old age. That would terrify me if I were you, because I don’t think he really cares for you at all.
This is a heartbreaking thread. Please look after yourself.

He's having you on. He won't be eligible for pension credit if he's got a reasonable amount of savings, talking about in the low 5 figures. Good for you for seeing through him.

Your dream of your future life sounds just lovely Op.

This holiday can be a huge turning point for you. Take time to let your mind wander, to dream, to imagine your new life. Sleep as much as you need, eat what you want, enjoy exploring and relaxing and planning and dreaming.

A much better life awaits you. Allow yourself to get excited at the prospect.

I don't think he'd be too opposed to caring for me if I was invalid, etc, but his obsessions seem focused on odd things, a bit OCD like. He prioritises his financial and work wellbeing before all. Of course he denies this. He looks positively panic stricken if anything threatens that status quo.

Thanks so much for all of the info and support.
At the moment i just feel on edge (not because of him, my own fears) and tearful. It will take some processing.
Hopefully i will feel better if I get some decent sleep tonight.

Buy yourself a beautiful, big notebook to take with you on holiday to write down your current thoughts about your life, how you feel, what you want out of life... and maybe progressing on to what you are going to do.
It can help to start getting things straight in your head.

Then in a few days, read through what you have written: you may want to add to it, or it may help you see things more clearly.

Then find a counsellor who you can talk things through with. A good one will ask useful questions to help you see your life from an outsider's perspective, as has started to happen in this thread.

Enjoy your holiday, and do exactly what YOU want to do.

It’s interesting because you say you’re really close and have a sting bond. But don’t sound close at all in your description. Maybe it’s just that you’re familiar with each other rather than being close.

I agree with h everyone else: stop trying to define him and put the relationship in the rearview mirror.

I suppose this is true.

He came in this evening tired and a bit unwell, said he might have a few glasses of wine to 'comfort himself later. It occurred to me that in an decent relationship, if your'e both feeling like shit you could comfort each other, with a film, takeaway, intimacy, wine, whatever. Since we never have many intimate sharing moments it's not like Im under his feet.

I said nothing.
I have tried recently to communicate and I think he is annoyed that I have rocked the boat. I often think he feels some sort of contempt, but careful not to show it. Eyes do though.

You do not have a close thing. You are 2 adults loving parallel lives in the same house.
You will never ever meet someone who actually sees you and loves you if you stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you at all.
You are not married. The house is 100% his. You have no rights to any value from it.
I would not be at all surprised if he has made a will leaving it to someone else. You will find out after his death and will become immediately homeless.
There is a quote used often on here " judge someone not by what they say but what they do". He doesn't behave like a man who wants anything to do with you. Maybe spend the evening writing 2 columns. 1. What he says. 2. What he actually does/ doesn't do. Show those columns to a friend/ post them on here. Hopefully it will help you to see a way out