Mother’s day lunch AIBU I refuse to pay

[bosstick]

So..

Been divorced for nearly 10 years, exH had an alcohol problem and an attitude problem that was turning abusive, so we separated and divorced.

Since the divorce he paid 200/monthly but there was a point where he stopped and since he was not returning my texts I asked exMIL and she said he was unemployed and going through a rough patch and would start paying again and back pay the months he didn’t pay as soon as he got a job.
He then got a job and started paying again but didn’t back pay (about 6 months). Fine.

After a few years, Covid hit, he got unemployed again and stopped paying again. Since them he has been living with his parents and doing odd cash in hand jobs so giving DD money here and there but never got back to give maintanance.

This year, as his parents face health challenges, he stopped drinking / smoking and became a serious man. He came to visit the other day alingside ex MIL and FIL and I could see a change. He is determined in finding permanent job - he is talented but has his demons.

Anyway, he just proposed that the 3 of us - DD 16 - go out for Mother’s Day lunch.
He never organised anything when we were together.

I agreed for DD’s sake.

But after I agreed he told me to bring cash because he will pay only for DD and him and I will pay for my own - he wants to save the embarassement of using two cards to pay so he will put on his as long as I give him the cash for my bit.

I have not replied yet but I think this is outrageous. However DD is all happy and looking forward so I’m aware of cancelling etc

I have changed careers and I’m climbing the ladder to give DD and I a reasonable standard of living and I’m in London on 35K a month, paying council rent etc but I’m good at using my money.

ExH is absolutely useless with money and I get he is not stable yet, but really? Can he not find some extra odd cash in hand job to pay for my meal and 1 drink?

Also exMIL told me that they are no longer helping him financially as they had enough of him not taking a permanent job. But apparently he is trying, interviweing etc.
Apaarently he has debt and overdraft too but it is not my fault is it?

I get the idea, but why invite if you can’t afford?

On the other hand, life is too short and I can easily pay for my own meal, which I will end up doing but…I think I shouldn’t have to.

Sorry Is there a typo there? 35k a MONTH?

Text him back and point out that it's really bad form to do this but you'll do it for your DD's sake only but not to bother ever suggesting anything like that again

On £35k a month I'd tell him to stay where he is and take DD away to somewhere amazing abroad.

Don’t go. Take your DD out yourself and tell him to get to fuck. Is what I would advise.

I’m climbing the ladder to give DD and I a reasonable standard of living and I’m in London on 35K a month

neither he nor she are earning £35k a month I'm sure. OP presumably meant £35k a year or £3.5k a month.

I’d go and pay for my own meal if my DC was looking forward to it.

What kind of work are you doing for £35K a month? Any vacancies?

3.5k is what I assume she means

Lots of typos, sorry multitasking

Around 35K a year

Why don't you do something you would like to do on Mother's Day?

He's a dick to suggest this. But probably true to form. I guess this is to be expected from him?

Next time, suggest Father's Day outing and tell him he's paying for his food just like you did on Mother's Day.

TBH I dont care about celebrating Morher’s day and what I usually do is NOTHING

But he suggested, DD liked the idea, especially since he visited the other day and was pleasant - usually he can be obnoxious

And ex MIL and FIL are suffering some health issues, so makes you realise how short and fragile life is

I'd be tempted to tell him to shove the mother's day meal but if my DD was really looking forward to it I probably would go and be really pleasant for her sake.

Tell him he can take Dd out and you can have the day to yourself

This. He's stupid to think you should pay. Maybe on any other Sunday, but mothers day? I'd be suggesting he take your daughter on his own, and you take her out the following week. She gets two nice lunches, and you don't have to facilitate his arseholerry. Win win.

If he is usually obnoxious I absolutely would not want to spend MD with him and certainly not pay for the privilege.

I would say he should just take DD out without you.

Thing is
DD is excited about the 3 of us having a meal together since this has happened in a very long time

Who is this mother's day for? You or his mother? Like fuck would I let him take the credit for paying for my mother's day dinner.

I bet if you go you will end up paying for everything! The bit about give him the cash to save embarrassment paying by two cards, is this so he can look good in front of people. The last thing I would want to do on Mother’s Day is spend it with an ex who has “demons”.

He's still an arsehole but for your DD's sake, I'd probably say nothing and pay.

But definitely don't offer to go for a meal out on Father's Day!

Not sure why he should pay for you to be honest, he's doing it for your daughter not for you so I wouldn't expect him to pay for your meal

Under the circumstances, I would just swallow it for the sake of your DD and ruining the day/atmosphere between you and him.

You know he has form, so nothing should really surprise you.

What a cheeky fucker. Will he be expecting you to buy your own mother's day gift as well?

Mother’s Day is about the relationship between you and your daughter. This POS has muscled/manipulated his way into this and in a way that’s intended to make his DD think he’s being a good dad and taking everyone out for MD, but with the added bonus of humiliating OP -35k a year in London as a single parent is hard - xDH knows what he’s doing. He’s carefully choreographed this so DD doesn’t know OP is self-funding her own MD lunch 🤢 . As DD is looking forward to it, OP does need to go, but I’d let him know never again. OP is well shot of this loser but if it’s me, I’d stop making excuses for him and stop covering for his bad behaviour with DD before she starts thinking this is normal and how she should expect a partner to behave.

You need to explain to DD that he expects you to pay therefore you're not prepared to go and you are concerned that he will be obnoxious on the day. That on reflection it's a bad idea and not how you want to spend MD.