Mother’s day lunch AIBU I refuse to pay

[bosstick]

So..

Been divorced for nearly 10 years, exH had an alcohol problem and an attitude problem that was turning abusive, so we separated and divorced.

Since the divorce he paid 200/monthly but there was a point where he stopped and since he was not returning my texts I asked exMIL and she said he was unemployed and going through a rough patch and would start paying again and back pay the months he didn’t pay as soon as he got a job.
He then got a job and started paying again but didn’t back pay (about 6 months). Fine.

After a few years, Covid hit, he got unemployed again and stopped paying again. Since them he has been living with his parents and doing odd cash in hand jobs so giving DD money here and there but never got back to give maintanance.

This year, as his parents face health challenges, he stopped drinking / smoking and became a serious man. He came to visit the other day alingside ex MIL and FIL and I could see a change. He is determined in finding permanent job - he is talented but has his demons.

Anyway, he just proposed that the 3 of us - DD 16 - go out for Mother’s Day lunch.
He never organised anything when we were together.

I agreed for DD’s sake.

But after I agreed he told me to bring cash because he will pay only for DD and him and I will pay for my own - he wants to save the embarassement of using two cards to pay so he will put on his as long as I give him the cash for my bit.

I have not replied yet but I think this is outrageous. However DD is all happy and looking forward so I’m aware of cancelling etc

I have changed careers and I’m climbing the ladder to give DD and I a reasonable standard of living and I’m in London on 35K a month, paying council rent etc but I’m good at using my money.

ExH is absolutely useless with money and I get he is not stable yet, but really? Can he not find some extra odd cash in hand job to pay for my meal and 1 drink?

Also exMIL told me that they are no longer helping him financially as they had enough of him not taking a permanent job. But apparently he is trying, interviweing etc.
Apaarently he has debt and overdraft too but it is not my fault is it?

I get the idea, but why invite if you can’t afford?

On the other hand, life is too short and I can easily pay for my own meal, which I will end up doing but…I think I shouldn’t have to.

I get that
But would you have expected him to pay maintanance?
He didnt pay for 6 months in 2017
And nothing since April 2020?

I never made a big deal out of it but I would expect him to pay for my meal if he invites me?

Oh well, maybe I’m not feminist enough 🤷‍♀️

Your DD, at 16, is old enough to understand and be taught boundaries. I actually would say, "I'd love to spend Mother's Day with you and have lunch. But Dad has told me he's buying lunch for the two of you and not me. I think that's wrong so I don't want to go. I'd love to have lunch alone with you, or do something else, but on Mother's Day I don't want to compromise".

You making yourself small won't make her bigger. She needs to see a strong mum.

I'm a feminist and I still think that a dad who invites a mum out on Mother's Day pays. I would on father's day.

No YANBU.
Make sure you pay your share in full view of your daughter so she doesn't think he has paid as that's how he wants it to look.

Wise words. Take note OP.

I actually like that and will do this if still going - heck I might pay hers too so he can pay for himself

Besides, shouldn't he be taking HIS mother out?

Order and enjoy your dinner out as a trio, let him pay on his card and when he asks for the cash for your meal tell him it's in the same place as all his missed maintenance payments. Walk out.

I would be worried he sees the writing on the wall of his parents no longer paying for him and is trying to worm his way back into your life (and wallet).

Exactly this. At 16 she's old enough to understand the situation. Kids aren't daft.

You go out with just you and your DD and tell him to save the money he would have spent on his share on his mum who has been good to him. No way he gets to look like he is being generous and spend your money sat there with him. It is Mother's Day not feckless Father's Day

Why don’t you get him to book a place where Mums eat for free on Mother’s Day?

I get what you're suggesting but it might not be advisable to open that can of worms (that you would pay on Father's Day) because it might be something that the daughter would want to arrange and might not happen at all.

I do get the sentiment behind it though.

Honestly, I'd stay away.

He's just manipulating you but in a different way. Life isn't so short you get to pay to make him look good.

Honestly, I'd stay away.

He's just manipulating you but in a different way. Life isn't so short you get to pay to make him look good.

Id suck it up for DD sake

If he invited her out for lunch on any other day then fair enough but it's mother's day. Generally mums are treated on mother's day, that the whole point. I mean really the 16yo should be treating her mum but it wasn't her to instigated the lunch, it is as him.

Please don’t bring this pettiness to your DD. Can you ask him if you can change the day so it’s not a Mother’s Day meal, it’s just a meal. Or as others have said pay your portion in the restaurant. If he complains just say people split bills all the time.

He shouldn’t be planning this effective dishonesty to manipulate your DD. I really can see why it has pissed you off but in the face of your DD’s happiness let it go.

Your DD doesn't need to be gas lit about her father being a great dad, if you must go , ostentatiously pay for yourself in front of everyone.

TBH I would go for the sake of DD. Obviously first and last time but yes, life's too short.

You could just rely LOL and see what he says.

Also to take the sting off because he really is a shit, plan something nice with your DD afterwards.

Quite. He's asking her to lie to her DD on Mother's Day. What a wanker.

Err no. Tell him you’ll take your daughter out for mothers day he can take her out on another day!

Hes a dick. Do it for your dd, make it clear to him it won’t be happening again.

Exactly what @MrsTerryPratchett said. 16 is old enough to understand why this is a) not acceptable and b) insulting to you. Do something lovely with your daughter, just the two of you, instead. ❤️