Mother’s day lunch AIBU I refuse to pay

[bosstick]

So..

Been divorced for nearly 10 years, exH had an alcohol problem and an attitude problem that was turning abusive, so we separated and divorced.

Since the divorce he paid 200/monthly but there was a point where he stopped and since he was not returning my texts I asked exMIL and she said he was unemployed and going through a rough patch and would start paying again and back pay the months he didn’t pay as soon as he got a job.
He then got a job and started paying again but didn’t back pay (about 6 months). Fine.

After a few years, Covid hit, he got unemployed again and stopped paying again. Since them he has been living with his parents and doing odd cash in hand jobs so giving DD money here and there but never got back to give maintanance.

This year, as his parents face health challenges, he stopped drinking / smoking and became a serious man. He came to visit the other day alingside ex MIL and FIL and I could see a change. He is determined in finding permanent job - he is talented but has his demons.

Anyway, he just proposed that the 3 of us - DD 16 - go out for Mother’s Day lunch.
He never organised anything when we were together.

I agreed for DD’s sake.

But after I agreed he told me to bring cash because he will pay only for DD and him and I will pay for my own - he wants to save the embarassement of using two cards to pay so he will put on his as long as I give him the cash for my bit.

I have not replied yet but I think this is outrageous. However DD is all happy and looking forward so I’m aware of cancelling etc

I have changed careers and I’m climbing the ladder to give DD and I a reasonable standard of living and I’m in London on 35K a month, paying council rent etc but I’m good at using my money.

ExH is absolutely useless with money and I get he is not stable yet, but really? Can he not find some extra odd cash in hand job to pay for my meal and 1 drink?

Also exMIL told me that they are no longer helping him financially as they had enough of him not taking a permanent job. But apparently he is trying, interviweing etc.
Apaarently he has debt and overdraft too but it is not my fault is it?

I get the idea, but why invite if you can’t afford?

On the other hand, life is too short and I can easily pay for my own meal, which I will end up doing but…I think I shouldn’t have to.

I’ve read your update and you may have already texted your Ex about publicly paying for yourself which I think is a good option.

Alternatively, you could explain to DD that ‘Dad doesn’t have enough money to pay for us all to go out. Perhaps we should just say thank you but no, thank you to his invitation?’

Then let DD decide.

Id tell him he can knock it off what he owes you.

he wants to save the embarassement of using two cards to pay

This is the bit that would piss me off. I would happily pay my own way, but I’m not paying him back in cash privately to make him look good in a restaurant!

I would reply and say, ‘ok, I’ll come for DD and I will happily pay for my own meal but I will pay at the restaurant for me on my card. If you’re not happy with that as you are too embarrassed, then I won’t be coming.’

Apologies-edited my post when I saw that’s pretty much what you have done! Good for you. Don’t pay for him though.

I would never have agreed to the meal in the first place but as you have and your DD is looking forward to it, I'd just pay for my own meal and then never agree to socialising with him again.

Your 16 year old DD is old enough for you not to accept being part of this farce with your abusive EXDH.

If I was you I'd go, just this once and never again, but I'd pay for myself instead of giving money to a man who has missed many maintenance payments. Because that is effectively what you'd be doing.

I'd either go and insist on paying for my meal on my card or tell him he can take DD out and you'll take her a different day and spend the day doing something you'd like to do.

Maybe go back to CMS. Even people on benefits have to pay a nominal amount.

I would still go out for lunch with him for the sake of your daughter but not on Mother’s Day, the day before maybe. Then make Mother’s Day about you and your daughter as it should be.

Go for your daughter’s sake. He is what he is, be prepared he may be using this before asking for a ‘loan’!

I’d agree, let him use his card and then renege on the agreement. What’s sauce for the goose etc.

Agree with this. Seriously why would you want to spend Mother’s Day with this man? Your DD is old enough to understand.

Just change it from dinner to going out for coffee and cake. He can pay for all of you.

Maybe it's possible to say ' perhaps dad's continuing to struggle with his finances' and then explain the situation - this gives your daughter an 'out' able to agree that yes she is able to do something nice with you instead, without 'taking sides'. I think the advice you have been given about boundaries and setting an example to DD is good. I would suggest an alternative treat with her, explain why you can't go out to the mothers day dinner due to her father's suggestion and the importance you place on what's acceptable and unacceptable in your life. As others suggest, if you go with him, you might even be forced to pay the whole bill when he 'suddenly' finds he can't manage any of it...

Why are people saying ‘do it for your daughter’? Erm, it’s Mother’s Day. Why on earth would you even consider going with your ex. This is the perfect mother- daughter situation. It makes no sense to go with your ex

It isnt about the money. This is a man who hasnt paid a penny to op to support his daughter in years. He doesnt want to pay for op.

Why doesn’t he take DD and his own mother. Absolute cheek inviting you and telling you (on Mother’s Day) you’re paying for yourself!

It's a bit cheeky of him but I guess for DD sake it will be a nice occasion. I think he wants to look like the big man in front of DD which is why he is saying you give him cash and he will pay for all on card. You could just pay on card too he can't dictate how you pay for your own meal.