Mother’s day lunch AIBU I refuse to pay

[bosstick]

So..

Been divorced for nearly 10 years, exH had an alcohol problem and an attitude problem that was turning abusive, so we separated and divorced.

Since the divorce he paid 200/monthly but there was a point where he stopped and since he was not returning my texts I asked exMIL and she said he was unemployed and going through a rough patch and would start paying again and back pay the months he didn’t pay as soon as he got a job.
He then got a job and started paying again but didn’t back pay (about 6 months). Fine.

After a few years, Covid hit, he got unemployed again and stopped paying again. Since them he has been living with his parents and doing odd cash in hand jobs so giving DD money here and there but never got back to give maintanance.

This year, as his parents face health challenges, he stopped drinking / smoking and became a serious man. He came to visit the other day alingside ex MIL and FIL and I could see a change. He is determined in finding permanent job - he is talented but has his demons.

Anyway, he just proposed that the 3 of us - DD 16 - go out for Mother’s Day lunch.
He never organised anything when we were together.

I agreed for DD’s sake.

But after I agreed he told me to bring cash because he will pay only for DD and him and I will pay for my own - he wants to save the embarassement of using two cards to pay so he will put on his as long as I give him the cash for my bit.

I have not replied yet but I think this is outrageous. However DD is all happy and looking forward so I’m aware of cancelling etc

I have changed careers and I’m climbing the ladder to give DD and I a reasonable standard of living and I’m in London on 35K a month, paying council rent etc but I’m good at using my money.

ExH is absolutely useless with money and I get he is not stable yet, but really? Can he not find some extra odd cash in hand job to pay for my meal and 1 drink?

Also exMIL told me that they are no longer helping him financially as they had enough of him not taking a permanent job. But apparently he is trying, interviweing etc.
Apaarently he has debt and overdraft too but it is not my fault is it?

I get the idea, but why invite if you can’t afford?

On the other hand, life is too short and I can easily pay for my own meal, which I will end up doing but…I think I shouldn’t have to.

You and dd go out together. Fuck your ex, the useless sack of shite.

He's not treating you, the mother of his child , but he's going to look like a real great guy on mother's day isn't he.

He could give his daughter some money to treat you on MD.

He could go out the three of you anytime.

Do something with just your daughter.

@bosstick I am actually more surpised at the fact that you allowed your exH, exmil and exfil into your house!!!!!!!!

She's 16 not 6! She should be taking you out and not expecting to be treated by deadbeat dad!

Why does it have to be Mother's Day? If your daughter wants a meal together, suggest literally any other day. At 16, surely she is old enough to understand that this meal with your (feckless) ex is not your idea of a treat

Actually, I'm assuming that she's NT - many apologies if she's ND

you see I am sneakier - I would give the money to DD so it could appear she pays....

He's a CFer but I'd probably go and pay for myself to make DD happy. Who's paying for MIL and FIL? Isn't he prepared to pay for his own Mum?

It’s a bit late now, as your daughter is looking forward to it. You are not in a relationship anymore and so he doesn’t see why he should pay for you, it’s that simple. I think you’re going to have to grin and bear it. But you have learnt never to get in this situation again and to socialise separately, where money is involved

Your daughter is old enough to understand you don’t want to pay to play happy families with a twat who’s never supported his child financially. Christ, it’s supposed to be the ONE day a year where your wants and needs are prioritised

If you do go. Make sure he doesn't get to take credit for paying, you pay for yourself. He doesn't get to suddenly act like he gives a shit

I'm friendly with ex MIL and PIL and civil to exH when he is not being obnoxious

She is autistic and has some MH issues

@MrsPerfect12

No YANBU.
Make sure you pay your share in full view of your daughter so she doesn't think he has paid as that's how he wants it to look

Definitely this,
The cheek of him, he wants to pretend that he is treating you in front of your daughter even though you will be paying for yourself

As it is you seem to be paying for the bulk of the childcare, he needs to get his act together and start paying his way, maybe then he can genuinely treat ye both to dinner and impress his daughter by paying then

Why not tell him that in that case you'll just be having tap water so no need to give him anything in advance?

This.

Model how you expect to be treated so she doesn't end up with a loser.

MIL and FIL are not coming but they are planning a lunch for the 5 of us at some point and they will treat.

So my decision - I will tell ex that I will pay my own but on my card if he is not happy with that then not my problem and I will let DD know what is going on - if I have to end up paying the whole bill fine, but I don't think that will be necessary.

DD has a number of issues and does not work, I don't need her to treat me, spend on me or anything like that, I never cared for Mother's day either.

There is nothing exH can do that will persuade me to allow him getting back in my life, NOTHING.
Besides I have a wonderful BF now who is everything I ever wanted but even if I didn't, I was so over exH long before separation and the day he left was one of the happiest days of my life.

Bollocks would I pay for myself because I bet he'll play it off to dd that he's paid for the lot. I'd rather take my dd out alone for Mother's Day and pay the lot, tell him to do one

I wouldn’t have entertained going for a meal with him in the first place, you’re divorced, in my experience divorced people don’t go out to restaurants together.

He is manipulating you, whatever move you make he wins, either you give him cash and he gets to look generous, or you pay on your card and you look like you’re humiliating him in front of his DD or he refuses to pay without the cash and you end up footing the bill after he orders the most expensive items on the menu and 6 cocktails.

I’d come down with a ‘non specific tummy bug’ on the day and let him take your DD out.

god op, sorry you’re going through this, very torn, just because she’s 16 doesn’t mean she needs to have it all laid out for her about how her dad is- my dh was in his 20s when his parents split and he still says he wish they hadn’t been so candid and seen him as another adult. She’s no doubt known what he’s like/how it is/ was, but that doesn’t mean she needs to know the full story. I think he needs to be spoken to and told to figure out cheaper/different plans or get the money off his card somehow

Ah just seen your update! Best of luck!

I don’t think this is the right approach because she has to consider her daughter’s feelings as well.

I would not be happy and will make it clear to him he should not organize anything anymore if he is not able to pay and will go along with this as a one off because her daughter is already excited.

I'd go along but 'forget' the cash. I wouldn't tell him in advance, I'd make him squirm. Just arrive at the restaurant with DD and don't make reference to the money. Order something expensive and leave him guessing over whose paying. Don't be the one to ask for the bill just make the whole thing awkward for him. Make sure DD sees him ask for your share and then make a big thing of working out your share. Put it on a card to make it more awkward

Why on earth would you spend Mother’s Day with your useless ex? Just go with your daughter somewhere nice. This is a no brainer

I’d go along with it for the sake of DD but appreciate its annoying