Mother’s day lunch AIBU I refuse to pay

[bosstick]

So..

Been divorced for nearly 10 years, exH had an alcohol problem and an attitude problem that was turning abusive, so we separated and divorced.

Since the divorce he paid 200/monthly but there was a point where he stopped and since he was not returning my texts I asked exMIL and she said he was unemployed and going through a rough patch and would start paying again and back pay the months he didn’t pay as soon as he got a job.
He then got a job and started paying again but didn’t back pay (about 6 months). Fine.

After a few years, Covid hit, he got unemployed again and stopped paying again. Since them he has been living with his parents and doing odd cash in hand jobs so giving DD money here and there but never got back to give maintanance.

This year, as his parents face health challenges, he stopped drinking / smoking and became a serious man. He came to visit the other day alingside ex MIL and FIL and I could see a change. He is determined in finding permanent job - he is talented but has his demons.

Anyway, he just proposed that the 3 of us - DD 16 - go out for Mother’s Day lunch.
He never organised anything when we were together.

I agreed for DD’s sake.

But after I agreed he told me to bring cash because he will pay only for DD and him and I will pay for my own - he wants to save the embarassement of using two cards to pay so he will put on his as long as I give him the cash for my bit.

I have not replied yet but I think this is outrageous. However DD is all happy and looking forward so I’m aware of cancelling etc

I have changed careers and I’m climbing the ladder to give DD and I a reasonable standard of living and I’m in London on 35K a month, paying council rent etc but I’m good at using my money.

ExH is absolutely useless with money and I get he is not stable yet, but really? Can he not find some extra odd cash in hand job to pay for my meal and 1 drink?

Also exMIL told me that they are no longer helping him financially as they had enough of him not taking a permanent job. But apparently he is trying, interviweing etc.
Apaarently he has debt and overdraft too but it is not my fault is it?

I get the idea, but why invite if you can’t afford?

On the other hand, life is too short and I can easily pay for my own meal, which I will end up doing but…I think I shouldn’t have to.

Reply to him that you're going to CMS on Monday for all the maintenance he owes you. I don't understand why you haven't done that already.

He'll be back to his usual obnoxious self within minutes and you can cancel the meal without feeling bad about it.

At 16 I would expect a child to be paying for their mother’s meal on mother’s day! It’s about children being considerate to their mothers, not ex husbands trying to look good in their kids eyes!

I'd postpone to another day. If he wants to invite you out while he treats DD, and you are happy to go along, then fair enough.
But.not.on.mothers.day.

Mothers Day is for you and your daughter so just decline

if he wants to go out, say you will but another time, and you will pay him after because no one knows the cost but frankly I wouldnt

does he even pay child support

What a rubbish position to be in. However, if you can I would say just go, pay for your own meal and let him take the credit as he's suggested, then watch a film or something with your daughter alone at your house once you've said goodbye to him. Be the bigger person here, I know you've had to be the bigger person for the last ten years (potentially always?). It's bullshit, you're being hard done by, but it's for your daughter's sake. If you make a fool of him it won't paint anybody in a good light.
When your daughter is 26 and casually mentions the only time she went to Mother's Day lunch with both parents you can laugh and say yes, that's because he came up with this stupid situation and I didn't want you to know or feel bad about him. She already knows you're the stable parent, the one she goes to, she doesn't need you to make him look small here. It's the kind thing to do for both of them (he doesn't deserve it but she does!).

If you do go, I wouldn't agree to pretend he's paying. His paying for 2/3 of the meal - because if it weren't MD he'd likely assume you'd pay the full thing - is a "Mother's Day" gift for you. If it's acceptable to him, why is he embarrassed about everyone knowing the two of you have split the bill? If he thinks the arrangement isn't acceptable, he shouldn't be doing it.

I’d worry now his parents have stopped bankrolling him he’s got his eye on you to do it this is just the first step. Secondly if you do go you’ll end up paying for all three of you. Thirdly tell your daughter what’s what and just don’t go.

I'd simply say to him "so you want me to conspire to hide that you're not paying for my meal on Mother's Day? You want her to think that you did? Sorry, but I'm not lying to her. You don't seem to understand what Mothers Day is about, and I'm not going to deceive her"

Then make the suggestion that a pp did, that he find somewhere where the mother eats free. For DD 's sake.

If your dd were 6 I’d pay (and probably silently seethe throughout the meal) but at 16 I’d be honest and tell her he expects you to pay.

I understand your dissatisfaction with this. But circumstances as they are, I would just bring along some cash. As you said life is too short and he is making an effort even if that effort is falling a bit short.

yes i’m surprised your teenage daughter doesn’t try and do something for you , even if it’s just a home cooked meal or maybe she plans to spend her money on a present? I feel it’s a day where you as a mother should be prioritised a bit so I think you should just spend it with your daughter, explain the situation - she’s old enough to understand, and then say you’ll all three go out another time.

You are happy to go for the sake of your DD (until you are asked to pay for your own dinner)

Clearly he's on peanuts money and hasn't had much since covid which must be tough living around London. Yes a man should pay towards his child growing up in principle, but he already has overdraft and credit card debt that you know of, and doesn't have a job yet. Be realistic, he can't afford it, whereas you can, so it makes total sense for you to pay for yourself - and even your DD if he can't afford it but you can. The thing is, you both provide as patents in accordance to what you can afford at the time. I can understand you feeling bitter that you've ended up the main provider, but you've ended up the main earner, so that is how it goes.
The false show of you giving money to him, so it looks like he's paying, is unreasonable and you should tell him no on that - it's fine to split bills in restaurants these days, and who is he saving face with - his parents know of his money issues as well as you do, so noone really.
I wonder if his parents are expecting him to pay for them too, as its all his idea? I would not be entirely surprised if he's gone to them too and asked them to pay him their bit ( or maybe the whole lot and it's his way of making some money out of it since they cut him off).
Pay for yourself, your not out of pocket or funding a scam that way - just his parents might be 🤔

Because he has failed for years to provide for his daughter and now he wants credit for buying OP lunch when he has no intention of actually paying. It's insulting.

I agree it's not very classy of him and I see why it annoys you, but it sounds like your daughter loves the idea and is looking forward to it, so to make her happy I would go along with it if you can.

He's not your husband any more thank God, but you will always share a child so makes sense to try and get on with him as well as you can for her sake. Good luck!

Of course you would expect the father of your child to pay when he offers to take the 3 of you out for Mother's Day lunch. 🤣

Going out on Mother’s Day and having to pay for your own meal sounds like your Ex is being manipulative.
If your D wants to have both her parents together for her birthday that’s different. But Mother’s Day is supposed to be about Mothers not daughters wishes. If you don’t make a stand OP she will be expecting this to be a tradition .
Speak to her , let her go with her Dad for a meal. Then if she wants to do something to celebrate her birthday fair enough you can and Ex can do that for her.
But getting into the habit of celebrating Mothers and Fathers Day for your Ex for being a good dad is getting ridiculous

Yup me too. I wouldn’t want him to pay for me.

At 16 the DD is more than old enough to learn that dad is a fucking waster who is trying to coerce mum into pretending he's Mr Generous.

I would use your own card to pay, I agree with others that your daughter is old enough to know you've paid for yourself. He's trying to come across as something he isn't, he's offered to take you out on Mother's Day, of all days, and make you pay for yourself, after not contributing to the upbringing of his daughter in years. He's an arse.

But Mother’s Day is supposed to be about Mothers not daughters wishes. If you don’t make a stand OP she will be expecting this to be a tradition .

Exactly. She’s 16 not 9. She should be thinking more about what’s best for her mum on Mother’s Day.

This can be a good lesson to her OP that you have your own needs and feelings too.

Tbf if she knew her dad was making her mum pay, she’d probably suggest dropping the whole thing too.

and he really needs to start paying maintenance again. He can’t just opt out of supporting his daughter.

If you agree to this OP to keep your DD happy where does it end?
So you agreed to mother's day, now DD wants you to treat him for father's day, (after all as far as DD is concerned he treated your for mothers day) his birthday is coming up, then it's Christmas, will you be expected to host him and in-laws for the day, cook their meal and get them gifts? I mean it's only three extra people so why not, every occasion is "only" this one time until the next time. Think carefully how this is going to play out going forward.

How do you know you aren't going to get hit with the full bill for everyone?

It's Mother's Day - you do something else with your DD and tell him to take his DM out for lunch and have a lovely time. He'll have one person less to pay for then.

Sounds like he’s trying to worm his way back into your life. Please don’t let him.

I would go, I think, because it means such a lot to DD. But I would absolutely not be allowing him to pretend to pay for me! Outrageous suggestion. DD deserves to have a true and honest view of her father and your relationship with him. He isn't the kind of man who can/is willing to pay for your meal, and you don't have the kind of relationship with him where he makes an effort to be able to do that. It doesn't serve DD in any way for you to pretend he is something he's not.

I would be quite frank with him as well. I'd tell him that you're offended that after years of forcing you to pay for his share of raising your joint child, he doesn't even deem you worthy of the gesture of a (presumably cheap) Mother's Day meal, that you will still attend because it makes DD happy but that you have no interest in saving his embarrassment or misleading your daughter and his suggestion that you do so is an insult.