Please tell it to me straight

[CyndiLauper]

I’ve been in an on-again off-again relationship for almost 2 YEARS. Can’t seem to break the pattern. I love him, but by crikey does he have issues. Won’t go into all the details but I’ll put the headlines here:

• terrible temper. Flies off the handle very randomly over things I’d never be able guess he was sensitive about
• Ive caught him in several lies, which he’s denied and got massively angry about and put it back on me for not “trusting him”
• on one of our “off agains” got with another women, had sex with her (told me it was awful and he faked coming, which he later denied) after which they became friends. He often puts her above me (as in prioritising meeting) and will not end the friendship even though it makes me feel insecure
• I’d never normally ask anyone to end a friendship with anyone, but he hates when I’m friends with other men (who I’ve not had sex with) and gets jealous and has even cried over it. His friendship with her however, is untouchable
• I love messaging him and the idea of him, but in person my gut often is saying “no”
• Has driven dangerously to frighten me after an argument
• Doesn’t have many friends of his own( apart from that woman!) and spends most evenings in a pub full of old men (he’s mid 30s)

I am very aware this all makes me sound like an absolute naive knob-end. It’s clear as day on one hand that he’s bad news, on the other he’s really fun, I feel energised around him (or is that on edge?), I feel really adored when we’re together together, and the physical side is the best I’ve had (although think that can be a thing in these dynamics?)

I KNOW I need to let him go, and have tried a billion times. Then when I feel down or something reminds me of him, I try again. Honeymoon period then one of us will lose it over lack of trust and it’s all over again. On repeat. He’s in counselling so there’s a slight improvement (he’s also got RSD so another reason I’ve not just walked away).

I feel addicted to the highs TBH. And if I saw him with someone else (inevitable in small town), I seriously don’t know what I’d do. I had a breakdown of sorts when I found out he was seeing this other woman briefly.

Also, I clearly have my own issues - which are mainly insecurity, which I’ve never had in another relationship. I don’t trust him and he hates that I don’t trust him.

How do I break this? I’m in therapy but the pull is still there. I need a MN-style kick up the proverbial

Are you planning to have kids? If so, turn around and run as far away from this man as you can get. And don't stop.

If not, my advice is the same but at least you won't make someone else's life miserable at the same time.

Listen
To
Your
Own
Advice

I didn't read all of it but the first three points tell me that he's a bad tempered, lying cheat.

I'll add scumbag and douche bag.

You've only got one life. Why waste it with that utter cunt?

It’s time to acknowledge the ‘good times’ as you see them but to KNOW that you deserve better. This person doesn't respect you, like you, enrich you, or love you. He’s messing with you for his own entertainment

Walk away - run and keep running.
Take some time to yourself and look at the list you wrote about how he has treated you. You are looking for a man who is the reverse of all of these. They are out there.

Please respect yourself more than you do - you are worth more than this

He sounds like a psycho. End it permanently.

DO NOT LET YOUR VAGINA MAKE YOUR DECISIONS

I did that (XH2). It was awful. Really screwed me up.

Stopped reading at temper tantrums. Don't need to know any more.

He's not worth your time.

You're obviously enjoying living in a world of pain and letting an asshole ruin your self-respect, by all means carry on until you accidentally fall pregnant and have his child, things will really be fun for both of you. Alternatively, get ahold of yourself and stop behaving like a clown on heat.

You want it straight? I think you already know your answer.

Have you looked in to coercive control? Intentionally frightening your partner is on the list, along with gaslighting and isolating you from your friends. Has he ever put his hands round your throat whilst arguing? You don’t need to answer but make yourself aware of the risks.

Every extra time in a relationship with this loser is a day you could have met someone really special. Don't waste any more time on this awful man..

He sounds awful. Ditch!

I stopped reading too. What value does he add to ur life? Get rid

How on earth can anybody be attracted to such an aggressive,bullying, controlling,cheating liar ?
Read back what you have written if you continue with him you don't deserve any sympathy,get a grip and move on.

That's quite a substantial list for one man. You're not in love with him, he's a very dysfunctional habit, because somewhere in your make up you recongnise abusive behaviour and because it feels familiar, you think you're in love.

You know that this doesn't have a happy ending, it really doesn't.

For the love of all that's holy, don't get pregnant.

Read the first line and the answer is simple. GO.

Protect your time, wellbeing and youth! Relationships with such volatility never end well.

Thank you all, it’s exactly what I need. I knew as I was writing, I’ve known for ages and yet… clearly need to work on trusting my intuition too. I am a huge advocate for women not putting up with any shit from men. OTHER women. Have been like some sort of zombie in this - definitely related to past traumatic relationships. That’s why this sadly felt like home on a subconscious level. And yes, a clown on heat - that made me laugh and is the sort of hard truth I need.

He is a walking red flag and I ran TOWARDS that. Time to run the other way once and for all

And you love this man? Tell me what there is about him that is lovable.

I think you are confusing love with lust.

@nc42day nailed it - a very dysfunctional habit is spot on. And I did laugh at the “quite substantial list for one man”. Oh yes. And there’s more.

You are addicted to the highs and lows of the drama not him. The sex is so good because it’s heightened anxiety which can be mistaken for excitement.

He’s sulky, bad tempered, abusive and you don’t even like him when you are faced with the reality of him.

You need to break the cycle or he’ll break it when he eventually drops you for a new victim permanently.

You do it by telling yourself no sex, no fleeting moments of being happy or adored are worth your self respect.

You do it by acknowledging that until you can walk away you’ll never be happy because you’ll constantly be on eggshells and swinging from high to low and your self worth will be tied up in a man that you will eventually recognise as a piece of shit who was never worth a minute of your time and you’ll hate yourself for the time you wasted.
(Bitter experience talking 💐)

I have been in a similar situation, although wasn’t as extreme as this. I also knew that the guy was bad news but I felt such a strong draw to him that I pushed aside all the red flags. I won’t go in to the whole thing but in the end he cast me aside for someone else. It really broke me and I decided to do some therapy to try and work out why I kept going back to him when he treated me so badly. These are my key takeaways:

1. somehow I thought I could change him, that by caring about enough he’d realise I was the person for him. Of course this is deluded. He didn’t change he repeated the same pattern.
2. the reason I was so drawn to him was that he fulfilled many of my needs - for company, to feel attractive, for a social life, sex, someone to plan a future with. Those things were important to me.
3. I also felt energised/on edge around him. This was dopamine, not ‘love’.

Obviously you need to leave him. That was clear right from the very first line. The idea of you being jealous of him with someone else is almost laughable. He is the absolute opposite of a good catch.

I think what you need to do is leave the area you are living in. I worry that if you split up with him but see him lurking in the shadows with other women then you will relent and go back to him. In any case it would be more difficult to recover. What you have to recover from is actually madness. You're not in your right mind in this relationship and you need to get yourself back there.

Think practically. What can you do now? As I said, I think you should get as far away as possible and not actually return. Is there anywhere else you would like to live? What is your job situation? Do you own or rent at the moment

I feel energised around him (or is that on edge?),
It's probably an adrenaline rush and you are addicted to that feeling, similar to skydivers, bungee jumpers and other extreme sports people . Perhaps get your kicks from that instead of him.

I love messaging him and the idea of him.
The idea of him. The fake him. Your projection of him. The reality is he is angry and aggressive. Why are you daydreaming about an imaginary man? What is so seriously wrong in your life that you cannot cope with reality?

You know he is wrong on so many levels - I think you need a different therapist asap before you are physically hurt by him.

Clearly there's no point restating the obvious terrible aspects of this relationship as you know them already and they haven't been enough to put you off so far.

So, what are the good things that are keeping you in the relationship that are so great that you can put up with the bad?

he’s really fun, I feel energised around him (or is that on edge?), I feel really adored when we’re together together, and the physical side is the best I’ve had (although think that can be a thing in these dynamics?)

OP, this shows you are a fun person, adorable and good in bed. You are therefore a good catch and you will be able to find someone else, someone much better without all the awful other stuff. Stop all of the psychologising (about both of you) and stop the relationship. It is doing nothing for you.

say goodbye he’s an idiot! You deserve better walk away it isn’t going get any better run and keep running! Someone out there that will appreciate you!

You want it straight? Okay then.

HAVE YOU COMPLETELY TAKEN LEAVE OF YOUR SENSES?

For Christ's sake, dump him - he's awful. Especially the dangerous driving thing.

These replies are so spot on and insightful around my massive emotional blindspots. Wish I’d have posted here this time last year. Bloody hell, I can’t waste another moment on him.

Yes, I wasn’t in a great state when we met - new to a small town, felt isolated, bored and on the back of a break up (also abusive in its own way, he basically ignored me for years so all the love-bomby attention worked on me as self-esteem was on the floor).

Yep, addicted to the adrenaline, in love with the fake “idea” of him that doesn’t exist etc. The reality is a disaster.

Love the idea that being jealous of him with someone new is laughable as he’s the opposite of a good catch. Also focusing on the good things I can get with someone else without all this crap, a good way of looking at it.

I would love to move from here and plan is to go back to a big city but not for a year or two. However, I feel stronger than I ever have about this right now with all these insights. I needed to hear it straight and need to save all of these somewhere