Please tell it to me straight

[CyndiLauper]

I’ve been in an on-again off-again relationship for almost 2 YEARS. Can’t seem to break the pattern. I love him, but by crikey does he have issues. Won’t go into all the details but I’ll put the headlines here:

• terrible temper. Flies off the handle very randomly over things I’d never be able guess he was sensitive about
• Ive caught him in several lies, which he’s denied and got massively angry about and put it back on me for not “trusting him”
• on one of our “off agains” got with another women, had sex with her (told me it was awful and he faked coming, which he later denied) after which they became friends. He often puts her above me (as in prioritising meeting) and will not end the friendship even though it makes me feel insecure
• I’d never normally ask anyone to end a friendship with anyone, but he hates when I’m friends with other men (who I’ve not had sex with) and gets jealous and has even cried over it. His friendship with her however, is untouchable
• I love messaging him and the idea of him, but in person my gut often is saying “no”
• Has driven dangerously to frighten me after an argument
• Doesn’t have many friends of his own( apart from that woman!) and spends most evenings in a pub full of old men (he’s mid 30s)

I am very aware this all makes me sound like an absolute naive knob-end. It’s clear as day on one hand that he’s bad news, on the other he’s really fun, I feel energised around him (or is that on edge?), I feel really adored when we’re together together, and the physical side is the best I’ve had (although think that can be a thing in these dynamics?)

I KNOW I need to let him go, and have tried a billion times. Then when I feel down or something reminds me of him, I try again. Honeymoon period then one of us will lose it over lack of trust and it’s all over again. On repeat. He’s in counselling so there’s a slight improvement (he’s also got RSD so another reason I’ve not just walked away).

I feel addicted to the highs TBH. And if I saw him with someone else (inevitable in small town), I seriously don’t know what I’d do. I had a breakdown of sorts when I found out he was seeing this other woman briefly.

Also, I clearly have my own issues - which are mainly insecurity, which I’ve never had in another relationship. I don’t trust him and he hates that I don’t trust him.

How do I break this? I’m in therapy but the pull is still there. I need a MN-style kick up the proverbial

He sounds like a nasty drug that you are addicted to. You need to go cold turkey. Block and delete it's the only way but you may not be ready for this sadly you may have to reach rock bottom by then he could have really damaged you.

There are so, so many more worthwhile, caring, kind, considerate men out there. You are putting yourself through so much unnecessary crap.

The trick to these situations is to realise they really are as boring as your friends find it to hear about.

It's not exciting or energising or passionate or dramatic. It's just plain old boring and depressing.

That's all.

You say his life & the excitement is a temporary break from your reality but how much of your reality is down to not having enough self esteem to know you deserve better?

You logically know that despite him living in a more fun place & having a nicer house, he’s still a gaslighting abusive twat who needs the drama of messing you around to feel good about himself.

I stayed with a twat like this for less (to my shame) and because I too believed there were no good men. There were but as long as anxiety indicting twats who played mind games were all I was interested in - and not even consciously - because my self esteem was shot to shit, I couldn’t see them.

One of the healthiest relationships I have been in in the last few years was with a guy I would never have looked at when I was still chasing twats. He was sensible, low key, nerdy, not flashy. I went out with him because on paper he was the opposite of every man I’d dated and I was trying to prove something to myself about the twats being the only man I could have feelings for.

So wrong! Although our relationship didn’t work out he is still one of my closest friends and to this day treats me with a kindness and respect I never had from the ‘but the sex is great and it’s exciting’ guys.
Yes it’s harder to find them but if a stable, fulfilling relationship is your eventual end goal, it will be worth the time and effort. And most of that time and effort will be on finding your self worth you it’s win win regardless.

A lot of abusers make themselves appear to be Mr Right - they use that to keep luring you back in after they've done some horrible stuff. Have a look at the cycle or wheel of abuse - it helps explain how they move through different behaviours to stop you leaving. The book is really good - it goes through a lot of different types of abuser. You might recognise bits of some of the types or just recognise him against one type of abuser. Either way, your experiences are valid and you deserve to be heard and treated well throughout any relationship. Really hope it helps and that you find your freedom friends.

Why are you even bothering with this prick. Tell him to fuck off.

How can your gut be telling you no in person (your words) and yet the physical side be good? Sounds like you are suppressing your instincts and real libido, just because you can have sex with him - that’s not a good dynamic, and it’s not really helping you even in that physical way- quite aside from all the other reasons you and everyone else have listed to get out and stay out.

Why do we need to tell it to you straight when you yourself know what we are going to say? You know they answer and only you can do it

You are only human as we all are . Ask yourself this do you really want this man to love you is that it ? Is that why you can’t break away . Or the reverse you love him so much anything and I mean anything he does is ok ? So if either it may seem like you are just stuck … but really no one is struck in life we just believe we are .

honestly don’t waste your precious youth in a dead end emotional roller coaster relationship just don’t . Get yourself together … be fierce … unstick yourself … go and live the best peaceful life one can and above all find happiness

He doesn't have to fit the profile of an "abuser" to be a total arsehole waste of space.

The ONLY thing that will work is keeping away from him until the spell is broken.

I had a very similar situation, off and on for years, I felt so in love with him. Looking back it was like I was hypnotised or suffering some kind of insanity regarding him. I could not see anything clearly.

Now I have NO IDEA what I was thinking.

What drew me in was the effort he would make but then his true self would show through again. I often didn't like the way he spoke to me and didn't want my kids to think it was acceptable.

You can do this x

Would it help if you were busy in other aspects of your life? Can you start making plans for your future move? Look at housing, areas, jobs, start decluttering where you live now. If you can generate some excitement for the next chapter of your life he might become less important to you.

@CyndiLauper so much good advice on this thread already and it's great you seem to be listening to it. I just wanted to juxtaposition some of your own words from your original post with your recent wobble so you can maybe see the denial in action...

He ticks so many mr right boxes:
supportive: "He often puts her above me (as in prioritising meeting) and will not end the friendship even though it makes me feel insecure"

complimentary: "got massively angry about and put it back on me for not “trusting him""

respectful around sex and my body and other women: "on one of our “off agains” got with another women, had sex with her (told me it was awful and he faked coming, which he later denied) after which they became friends. He often puts her above me (as in prioritising meeting) and will not end the friendship even though it makes me feel insecure"

does loads of domestic chores: well woop dee doo... He's a man in his 30s.. this is a bare minimum of what you should expect!

would always put me first: "He often puts her above me (as in prioritising meeting) and will not end the friendship even though it makes me feel insecure"; "Has driven dangerously to frighten me after an argument"

These are your own words... From what you admitted was a much shortened list of his bad points. Don't be swept in again. He doesn't fit any Mr Right criteria. He may occasionally say the right sugar coated things and make you feel sexy but you know he's not worth that. I can tell you now, there is nothing sexier than being with a man who makes you feel safe, and cherished and loved every day, and doesn't make you question your own sanity.

It sounds like you are back in communication with him. Stop the two-and-fro. Don't give him chance to weasel his way back in with silly words. You said yourself, he messaged you after some kind of fallout with his other woman. He was bored and sad and wanted to feel big by reeling you back in. They're already back in contact. You served a purpose. He might even think he loves you in whatever warped way that means to him. But you deserve so much more.

I also absolutely second the PP who said to just get away! Move away now! Stop putting off your future. Get away from him, start living the life you want without relying on him or anyone else to provide excitement and escape from the humdrum that you are feeling bad about. This is your life. Live it!! 💗

You're in the grip of an addiction

The best cure is prolonged no contact, and having fun with other people including romantic fun

SO much brilliant advice. It is, however, like being hypnotised. I am actually a good few years older than him, don’t know if that contributed. And had a long relationship with someone much older before who basically ignored me.

I hate myself for the next bit and if a friend did it, I’d probably stop speaking to her about it. We are messaging. I absolutely got everything off my chest. He was alright but today is back to being arsey. I don’t know what the tie still is. I really can’t move at the moment, and the dating pool here is non-existent for my age group.

Absolutely I need to concentrate on building myself and my life back up. I think maybe I have hit rock bottom.

Thank you for all taking the time for some insightful input. I don’t feel I deserve it, but am absorbing it all

When we are together, kissing, the lead up and having sex - it’s perfect. I haven’t had that before. Sounds mad but it’s almost spiritual - emotional and physical connection. My gut is upset at other times when he shows me the other side. I don’t know what’s real. But certainly the other side makes it all a no-go

Exactly this. I just can’t find anyone else to have romantic fun with. I feel I’ve already wasted so much time being completely unfulfilled it that aspect that it was kinda worth suffering for with him. It’s clearly not and only delaying a shot at something real

He sounds a bit scary.
Drove dangerously after an argument to frighten you?
No way would I stay with a man like that

When it’s “perfect” that’s him PRETENDING to be the perfect boyfriend

perfect partners DONT flip into huge violent rages.

the second you see that is the second you end it.

you need to get a new email address and migrate people to that. You need to get a new number and migrate people away from the old number and then let it go. You need to delete all contact information you have from him and that will buy you the space and peace to heal.

I know it sounds corny, but you need to develop a relationship WITH YOURSELF! You need to learn to care for and love yourself. Understand who you are and appreciate your own good points. Get to a place where you can say, yeah I’m ok, I’m pretty great. I deserve to be happy and I’m a good person.

@CyndiLauper you opened up to him and now he knows he back “on” with you and knows her no longer needs to “work” or pretend to be nice. He knows he’s got you where we wants you again. I think what you describe in the lead up to sex and during are the love chemicals our body release which is a pretty special feeling. However, rest assured this isn’t exclusive to him, he’s not a magical young creature that can only give you this connection.

Yes absolutely this. Embarrassing for me really. And ha, you’re right / it can’t be unique to him. Because I was so deprived I think I was easy pickings and tied all the feelings to him :(

It’s a hard pill to swallow that he was pretending. But I can see that. It’s sad. But I’m more angry than sad now.

Even people I’ve known for 5 mins treat me better than he’s capable of.

The fact he’s just changed his profile pic to a boozing shot that I find deeply unattractive is helping me.

That spiritual feeling you describe when you have sex @CyndiLauper isn’t special chemistry that you’ll only find with him, it’s anxiety & relief that you’ve had your hit / been validated by him.

It will actually be detrimental to any future sexual encounters you have with others because sex with someone safe won’t have that huge shot of adrenaline or dopamine. It took me years to be able to have sex with ‘safe’ people and not feel flat because I’d become so accustomed to the toxic stuff.

Fucking hell, woman - raise your standards!

There you go. How I see it, and as straight as it gets.

@Over40Overdating yep. I can see you’ve absolutely been through this. It HAS ruined it with other people (I tried), esp off the back of a lifetime of disappointing sexual relations. Gaaaaaahhh