Please tell it to me straight

[CyndiLauper]

I’ve been in an on-again off-again relationship for almost 2 YEARS. Can’t seem to break the pattern. I love him, but by crikey does he have issues. Won’t go into all the details but I’ll put the headlines here:

• terrible temper. Flies off the handle very randomly over things I’d never be able guess he was sensitive about
• Ive caught him in several lies, which he’s denied and got massively angry about and put it back on me for not “trusting him”
• on one of our “off agains” got with another women, had sex with her (told me it was awful and he faked coming, which he later denied) after which they became friends. He often puts her above me (as in prioritising meeting) and will not end the friendship even though it makes me feel insecure
• I’d never normally ask anyone to end a friendship with anyone, but he hates when I’m friends with other men (who I’ve not had sex with) and gets jealous and has even cried over it. His friendship with her however, is untouchable
• I love messaging him and the idea of him, but in person my gut often is saying “no”
• Has driven dangerously to frighten me after an argument
• Doesn’t have many friends of his own( apart from that woman!) and spends most evenings in a pub full of old men (he’s mid 30s)

I am very aware this all makes me sound like an absolute naive knob-end. It’s clear as day on one hand that he’s bad news, on the other he’s really fun, I feel energised around him (or is that on edge?), I feel really adored when we’re together together, and the physical side is the best I’ve had (although think that can be a thing in these dynamics?)

I KNOW I need to let him go, and have tried a billion times. Then when I feel down or something reminds me of him, I try again. Honeymoon period then one of us will lose it over lack of trust and it’s all over again. On repeat. He’s in counselling so there’s a slight improvement (he’s also got RSD so another reason I’ve not just walked away).

I feel addicted to the highs TBH. And if I saw him with someone else (inevitable in small town), I seriously don’t know what I’d do. I had a breakdown of sorts when I found out he was seeing this other woman briefly.

Also, I clearly have my own issues - which are mainly insecurity, which I’ve never had in another relationship. I don’t trust him and he hates that I don’t trust him.

How do I break this? I’m in therapy but the pull is still there. I need a MN-style kick up the proverbial

Exactly. Thanks. I’m seeing the light. Unfortunately it’s coincided with suddenly looking ancient, peri-menopause etc kicking in so my self esteem is waaaaay down. I do know I’m fun, relatively attractive (or was) and not an idiot, but still can’t seem to “compete” with other women who have a lot more going for them in life. I know it’s not a competition etc but can’t help thinking maybe that is all I can warrant

@CyndiLauper once you’ve got this twat out of your system & know you deserve better the sex gets better too, I promise!

would always put me first
what on earth are you talking about. Or have I misunderstood you? He’s shown you over and over and over that he puts himself first. I think you need to start being honest and a bit more critical about this. If you blocked him how’s he messaging you.

JFC have you dumped him yet op?

Absolutely right. As IF he put me first. He is blocked. His messages were still getting through email although blocked.

Yes. He was being so arsey so it was easy. Said I was blocking once and for all to never get drawn into it all ever again.

Everything in my life has gone to pot, time I focus on pulling myself out of that. He was a crazy distraction so I didn’t need to face myself. And I desperately wanted to be loved and fancied etc etc, but it was really the opposite of love

Glad you've made yourself see sense
Your instincts were screaming out at you for a reason. Keep listening to them.
Focus on yourself and they life you want to build and never contact this selfish horrible person again.

Change your phone number.

Change your email.

Maybe even move.

If I was your mother I would be frantically worried and if you were your daughter, so would you. It’s time to parent yourself.

@WalkingaroundJardine thank you. My mum passed away some years back but yes, she’d be beside herself. I’m in SUCH a frozen state in life… I might need to start another thread

You've hit the nail on the head here OP, he's not actually the problem, he's a symptom, something you need to uncover and resolve in order for you not to repeat in future. Good luck.

^ this

I feel really sorry for you. We only get one life and it’s a very short trip. 4000 weeks on average - if you’re lucky. What a shame you are wasting endless possibilities being hung up on a cheating, lying and abusive person who doesn’t value you.

Block him and ignore, then move on. Better things are waiting for you.

Why can't you move for 2 years?

My daughter has just moved to Australia. All she did was get her plane ticket and visa beforehand. She now has found an apartment and landed herself a job. You can do anything that you put your mind to.

I like these sayings :

If you don't like where you are, move - you are not a tree.

The ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what ships are for.

Urgh. He’s been in the media a lot for the success of his business and all these social
projects he’s suddenly involved in. It’s made me feel like he’s the good decent and successful person here and maybe I’m the problem?! I just feel I’m going to wake up every day if my life thinking about him. It’s not that I don’t have a lot going on - I do, but it’s all incredibly stressful. I wonder if I use the thought of him and the chaos it h brought to mask having to feel the difficulty of facing myself?

You need to separate the social media from the reality. He is getting good press from the media - they were not in any kind of relationship with you. The reality is he has treated you badly and you don’t know where you stand with him. It’s like you are seeing him as an escape right now. Are you still nc? And seeing a counsellor? I understand it’s hard to shut him off when he’s in the media..but it sounds like you are getting sucked in again?

Yes true, thank you, and I imagine a lot of “successful” people don’t necessary make successful partners.

I do inexplicably feel I’m getting drawn back in. It’s like I imagine heroine addiction would be like. Knowing it’s terrible for me but an overpowering urge to have a fix

You would be so very stupid to get involved with him again. So what if he's out there? Ignore. Move on! Move altogether if need be! You're romanticising this when he's just a common or garden grade 1 prick!

Thank you both. I just need to read that and read back. So annoyed at myself. It’s showing a huge lack of self love

Please stay strong, and remember you are worth way more than this! Any time you feel the urge to message him, go and clean the loo, or the fridge or something, and talk yourself out of it. He's no good, and he's messing your life up. You know this.

Me might be getting attention from the media but they don't know he's a bad-tempered abusive prick. You do x

@CyndiLauper i remember from your prev posts no Dp and no immediate family. That can be a lonely place and make it easier to get your “hit” of happiness from him before the awful comedown and emptiness again. ( please correct me if I’m wrong on the family situation and apologies if I’ve got it wrong).

What ever you’ve been doing isn’t working and will not work so you need to change something really fundamental , as I can sense you are really unhappy with life right now, unfulfilled in a lot of ways.

The change I’m suggesting is even going off for 6 months travelling / moving town and job / joining clubs where you can meet new people.
I know when I am busy even when I’m upset i can forget and focus on something else. I think you need to do the same but you need to seek happiness that doesn’t involve this horrible specimen of a human!

Correct. It is loneliness and an extremely stressful situation I’m in on top of all this. So he is an escape, a hit. Even the bad bits are at least a distraction and take my attention somewhere else, you know? But I know he wasn’t even a proper friend to me at the end of the day.

Thank you. I DO need to change things up.

Sending you a really big hug! I think you should try and talk to someone in real life or The Samaritans about the situation that is causing you the stress. They are great at helping and just listening.

Thank you for being so lovely. I’m boring myself on this subject now so I know it’s not easy to hear/give advice to someone who keeps banging their head against the same brick wall!

It’s ok , i did for years when I was separated but living with ExH at the time and I drove my friends mad with my lack of action. One even stopped talking to me. Sometimes you just need to make one change and it will literally take you on a diffferent path. You will get there!

@Secondstart1001 omg I’ve also done that with ex for years! Gah. That is such good advice about the one change and different paths… def an element of freeze I need to wake up out of. Thank you