Please tell it to me straight

[CyndiLauper]

I’ve been in an on-again off-again relationship for almost 2 YEARS. Can’t seem to break the pattern. I love him, but by crikey does he have issues. Won’t go into all the details but I’ll put the headlines here:

• terrible temper. Flies off the handle very randomly over things I’d never be able guess he was sensitive about
• Ive caught him in several lies, which he’s denied and got massively angry about and put it back on me for not “trusting him”
• on one of our “off agains” got with another women, had sex with her (told me it was awful and he faked coming, which he later denied) after which they became friends. He often puts her above me (as in prioritising meeting) and will not end the friendship even though it makes me feel insecure
• I’d never normally ask anyone to end a friendship with anyone, but he hates when I’m friends with other men (who I’ve not had sex with) and gets jealous and has even cried over it. His friendship with her however, is untouchable
• I love messaging him and the idea of him, but in person my gut often is saying “no”
• Has driven dangerously to frighten me after an argument
• Doesn’t have many friends of his own( apart from that woman!) and spends most evenings in a pub full of old men (he’s mid 30s)

I am very aware this all makes me sound like an absolute naive knob-end. It’s clear as day on one hand that he’s bad news, on the other he’s really fun, I feel energised around him (or is that on edge?), I feel really adored when we’re together together, and the physical side is the best I’ve had (although think that can be a thing in these dynamics?)

I KNOW I need to let him go, and have tried a billion times. Then when I feel down or something reminds me of him, I try again. Honeymoon period then one of us will lose it over lack of trust and it’s all over again. On repeat. He’s in counselling so there’s a slight improvement (he’s also got RSD so another reason I’ve not just walked away).

I feel addicted to the highs TBH. And if I saw him with someone else (inevitable in small town), I seriously don’t know what I’d do. I had a breakdown of sorts when I found out he was seeing this other woman briefly.

Also, I clearly have my own issues - which are mainly insecurity, which I’ve never had in another relationship. I don’t trust him and he hates that I don’t trust him.

How do I break this? I’m in therapy but the pull is still there. I need a MN-style kick up the proverbial

I really hope you are able to break free from him, he is bad news.

Being involved with him is stopping you meeting anyone else that might be nice to you.

I did this with someone for about 10 years. I broke it off and moved away, met my husband and have the kids I’ve always wanted wanted.

it was like an addiction, he gave me such high, highs followed by low, lows. I’m so glad I moved on and didn’t waste my fertile years on him!

Block delete move on. It's so hard to do- can you leave block and then book yourself on something like a scuba diving trip to Thailand or a guided tour around Cuba where there is no internet? There is NOTHING like (safe and led) solo travel to remind you that 1. You can cope with out him and thrive, 2. You can meet and be liked by new people amd 3. He is not the centre of the planet.

If you yearn for him back one day I assure there are ten a plenty men just like him a swipe away - he's very replaceable and so are the exyrwm highs and lows you get
With him!

Well I have blocked many times in the past. This has to be the last time. It’s usually me who breaks it or he emails (blocked but they still somehow come through) saying he loves me, never felt like this about anyone - all that jazz.

He has had moments of real insight about us, apologising for his behaviour and saying neither of us need this and it’s uncontrollable etc and we need to leave each other alone. It’s like we set off each other’s deepest wounds or something.

His exes (who I know of but don’t know personally) have all been amazing, creative, attractive, independent women, so I guess that gave me weird hope… also I’m pretty sure those relationships were similarly troubled.

Yes, I need a good long stretch of no contact (ie forever). It’s addiction recovery basically.

I have gone travelling, and so has he, but it threw us together even more with messaging. So yes it would need to be somewhere with zero internet.

Honestly, after all the comments here - those speaking from bitter experience, those who are like wake the f@ck up, have really cemented my resolve and shifted my brain on this.

There are other areas in my life that aren’t in a good place and I think I was using the drama with him like the emotional equivalent of self-harming to take the focus away from those, but that’s what I need to work on.

I feel I’ve woken up now

Please listen to your gut and get rid of the absolute fucking bell end. But I think you know that already.

I get how you learn not to trust your own intuition when with an abusive man, but maybe ask yourself if you would find it tolerable if your sister/friend etc was dating him?

Why are you even asking?
He's a nut job

Cross post. It sounds like you're really clearing things up in your mind about him. Even space apart for a bit might help you see the wood for the trees. Which can be difficult when actually inside a situation.

OP - your post really resonated with me. I'm 2 years on from a 'relationship' like yours. I walked away but he's got really abusive and I had to get a restraining order.

He didn't want me but didn't want anyone else having me either. I just couldn't get away.

What I realised I was doing was keeping friends close but enemies closer. When I finally broke free it was like a whole weight was lifted and I'd finally broke the trauma bond linking us.

I've now met a lovely man who isn't bonkers, we share the same tastes and sense of humour. There's no pressure, no tantrums, no treading on eggshells just fun, laughter and good times.

Wishing you the best of luck with breaking free.

WTF have you been thinking, choosing all this shit?

Stop all contact with the loser and sort yourself out.

I think you may need therapy and support to leave and stay away. If you had a daughter sister best friend you wouldn't tell them to stay with this man. So you need to unpick why you think you don't deserve better.

A good solid 3 months no contact diving into your life hobbies work friends whatever brings you joy you might start to see him clearly.

Dear God. He's awful.

You're asking for support, so here's a suggestion: confide in a close and trusted friend: once you've done that, it does place a little bit of pressure on you to act, as it makes denial a little more difficult.

I wish you luck.

He’s a pathetic choice as a partner. Dangerous and toxic. A really inadequate situation to be involved in. Totally substandard and an embarrassment really. Leave it behind.

You can choose to stay with him if you want a fucked-up half life: that’s your choice. It’s a terrible idea though as you know.

His exes (who I know of but don’t know personally) have all been amazing, creative, attractive, independent women, so I guess that gave me weird hope… also I’m pretty sure those relationships were similarly troubled.

Youre looking at this all topsy-turvey. Those amazing, creative, attractive, independent women arent still with him. Because they are way out of his league and they realised it. He brings nothing.

That should be you too.

Are you speaking like this in therapy? If you are you need a new therapist, one who actually makes you connect with the issue. Or to ask more of your current one. I feel like you’ve intellectualised the problems, you know what he’s doing you know why and how it’s wrong and you know what you’re doing and why. But you’re not connecting with it or dealing with it.

You’re using a lot of therapy speak, old wounds, addiction etc. you’ve rationalised it all. You’re saying all the ‘right’ things as someone who’s seen the light and is going to move on. But non of this is new to you. You’ve known this all for ages and you didn’t move on those other times. So you need to figure out how to make it different this time.

I’ve changed therapists as I was just looping with this. Stuck in the vortex. New one is better and I’ve managed to not see him for months now, yet have still had intense crazy messaging episodes and plans to meet.

I had intellectualised it. Yet still couldn’t stop. Def working through why I felt so drawn to this.

Still, the cold light of these comments has given me the most resolve so far. I’m wasting my life - I’ve already done that with someone else and weirdly this guy made me feel so “alive” after that, so it was the perfect storm. But I can see now it’s another form of living a half-life, yes

He IS an embarrassing choice. If a man is so much as moody with a friend, I’d tell her to LTB

Having to read over all of these again. He’s been in contact saying he loves me and wants to meet. No asking how I am, explaining any change in behaviour etc. I did however look at his social media and he and the “BFF” suddenly no longer friends, so that must be it. I HATE there’s a still a small part of me that feels weak at his contact. The advice here is everything

@CyndiLauper - good on you for coming back. Even if he does love you - some people’s love is low quality and not worth having. That includes this man’s.

When I’m fighting an unhelpful impulse (for me, it’s often around food), i find it really helpful to cast my mind forward as if I’m looking back at the present moment and consider what I will wish I had done (and invariably it is - turn away from the fridge and do something other than eat). So for you, it might be a case of imagining that future moment where you will be glad you ignored this overture. You will get there.

@Dery that’s really useful advice, thank you. I just checked SM again and he and the ex-shag FF are back following each other. I do not need to be party to this drama and already know how it ends! So thank you x

@CyndiLauper - you’re welcome! Good luck. You’ll get there.

For him you are some sort of prop, a peripheral player in his life to make him feel better in some way. Do not allow this. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship where you are central and equal to a good partner. He is not that.

Is he worth being disfigured for life? Dying maybe? Run, as fast as you can. There's more to life than this drama you are addicted to. He will take more from you than you can afford to give. You cannot have children with this man, that would be your fault that those poor kids suffered by his hand. You are enabling him to behave this way by accepting it. He will go on to hurt other people and you will have that on your conscience. Leave.

I got to terrible temper and thought ditch him. You don't need to be walking on eggshells.

Got to the driving dangerously bit...yeah he's off his head and has put you at risk of harm. Ditch him. Find someone nice.

He's trying to suck you back into his orbit and he'll keep doing it. You've seen the cycle of abuse already when you were in the relationship and on/off again, this is how they do it from afar. You know how much he's capable of hurting you (physically and emotionally), and you have no reason (kids, property etc) to stay in contact.

You blocked him with very good reason, but you could consider telling him to stop contacting you. Caveat is that if he makes you feel unsafe or if you think he'd escalate then don't do this. It doesn't need to be lengthy - just say you've moved on and he needs to stop contacting you as it's unwanted. And.use the grey rock technique - ignore anything he sends and if you see him in person use short, factual statements. Don't get into detail or emotions.

I haven't read everyone's comments from the original post, but I'd really recommend reading Living With the Dominator and trying to do the Freedom Program. FP is helpful for you to process your experience in terms of domestic abuse (which this is) and you may meet some other women with similar experiences that can support you. I did FP over three years ago and I'm still in contact with two of the women I met - we give each other strength when dealing with our exes, sense check each other with potential new relationships and generally have a lovely friendship with all the other stuff. Please think about it - it was a game changer for me and I'm now in a very healthy relationship.

Yes I need to do further work, a programme perhaps.

He’s turning it around saying I spend too much time thinking up scenarios that are just not there. Now I’m questioning that I do, I do have anxiety. But prob because of him.

All the good men seem to be taken and my life is a disaster in other areas. He lives in a a much more fun place down the road, has a nice place and excitement. So it is feeling hard to say no to just a temporary relief from my reality. Gah

@fozwomble thank you. Book ordered.

I looked at the graphic of the abuser vs mr right. That’s made me more confused - he ticks so many mr right boxes (supportive, complimentary, respectful around sex and my body and other women, does loads of domestic chores, would always put me first) and is not a classic abuser I guess - he does cry, not take responsibility and has swerved the car in a hissy fit etc. I guess this is me in denial. But it is tricky as he has clear mental issues that come in and override all the good parts. But, as people say, you cannot date someone’s potential