Please tell it to me straight

[CyndiLauper]

I’ve been in an on-again off-again relationship for almost 2 YEARS. Can’t seem to break the pattern. I love him, but by crikey does he have issues. Won’t go into all the details but I’ll put the headlines here:

• terrible temper. Flies off the handle very randomly over things I’d never be able guess he was sensitive about
• Ive caught him in several lies, which he’s denied and got massively angry about and put it back on me for not “trusting him”
• on one of our “off agains” got with another women, had sex with her (told me it was awful and he faked coming, which he later denied) after which they became friends. He often puts her above me (as in prioritising meeting) and will not end the friendship even though it makes me feel insecure
• I’d never normally ask anyone to end a friendship with anyone, but he hates when I’m friends with other men (who I’ve not had sex with) and gets jealous and has even cried over it. His friendship with her however, is untouchable
• I love messaging him and the idea of him, but in person my gut often is saying “no”
• Has driven dangerously to frighten me after an argument
• Doesn’t have many friends of his own( apart from that woman!) and spends most evenings in a pub full of old men (he’s mid 30s)

I am very aware this all makes me sound like an absolute naive knob-end. It’s clear as day on one hand that he’s bad news, on the other he’s really fun, I feel energised around him (or is that on edge?), I feel really adored when we’re together together, and the physical side is the best I’ve had (although think that can be a thing in these dynamics?)

I KNOW I need to let him go, and have tried a billion times. Then when I feel down or something reminds me of him, I try again. Honeymoon period then one of us will lose it over lack of trust and it’s all over again. On repeat. He’s in counselling so there’s a slight improvement (he’s also got RSD so another reason I’ve not just walked away).

I feel addicted to the highs TBH. And if I saw him with someone else (inevitable in small town), I seriously don’t know what I’d do. I had a breakdown of sorts when I found out he was seeing this other woman briefly.

Also, I clearly have my own issues - which are mainly insecurity, which I’ve never had in another relationship. I don’t trust him and he hates that I don’t trust him.

How do I break this? I’m in therapy but the pull is still there. I need a MN-style kick up the proverbial

FORGET IT....

I had taken leave of my senses, exactly that. Thing is we haven’t been together for months (thank god as def no pregnancy issues) and yet was STILL ongoing, mostly messages. Which makes me even crazier. FFS!!

Summon up all your strength and block him.

I bet when you look at it, you have no good reason why you have to stay in that small town for the next year or two.

I was with a guy like this for 3 years with a 5ish month break in the middle. I thought I was so in love, that I’d never loved anyone like it before and that I’d never find anyone I felt like this about again. Despite the unfailing stream of red bunting hanging out of his arse!

It was like a withdrawal when I finally walked away - not before thoroughly degrading myself, by trying to shag him into loving me enough, after discovering he’d cheated on me with his close female friend that he’d insisted was ONLY a friend for years. I am honestly quite ashamed by my own pathetic-ness now (this was 15+ years ago). Anyway, after this final straw of shame, I was at work one day and a male colleague was talking about his wife and how much he loved her and how he was planning all these lovely things for her to make her return from a long flight / work trip really lovely and romantic and it floored me. I suddenly realised in a moment that this guy was just going to carry on destroying my life and things were not going to get better, ever - only worse and the idea of being in my 30’s and 40’s is even 50’s with this fucking boozing loser just had to change.
I’m now over a decade in with my current my partner and children annd much happier and when I think of this guy now I feel major, MAJOR ick. He’s still living that sad life with a string of ‘me’s’ behind him. Alone, boozing, balding with a kid he doesn’t pay for or so much for and in a fairly rubbish.. Urgh, he makes my skin crawl a bit and I genuinely never thought I would have believed that back then!

You need to leave, it’s just self harm otherwise. You will never look back and wish you’d stayed longer, trust me.

@Kattenburg

clown on heat

🤣🤣🤣

Also, I clearly have my own issues
That is it in a nutshell. And it came shockingly low down on your list. He isnt worth your time. But only you can fo anything about that.

YOU NEED TO GET RID. NOW.

He's just a nasty bastard. You don't need this shit in your life, no-one does.

NO good relationship is this much hard work. Really. Give yourself a break op.

Honestly I don't know how you can be arsed with all that drama.

Wouldn't it be nicer to just know where you are, what's going on, and not have to deal with the nonsense?

Ditch him so you can meet someone lovely who shows he adores you by showing up and not behaving like an idiot.

I had a breakdown of sorts when I found out he was seeing this other woman briefly.

He is STILL seeing this woman!!! Do you seriously think they had sex once and now are just bessies???

What @AllEars112232 said... I've just re read your post op. Not only is this man awful, it seems that he's likely shagging about too. No good can come of it. Fuck him off , take some time to recover and then start again (if you are so inclined)

Run and keep running

What exactly do you love about him? He's an abusive cheat and an in your face, nothing subtle cheat at that. He doesn't love you.

I assume you had a very difficult childhood. I worked with a woman who was great at self sabotage, she had an incredibly tough childhood. She didn’t know how to exist without highs and lows and it got her in to awful situations.

Stop self sabotaging!

Could you think about emigrating @CyndiLauper or maybe joining a closed order of nuns, because you are clearly not capable of normal function in the real world if you continue to be involved with this waste of space

He sounds dangerous and volatile. End it.

Thanks everyone. Yes, I had a fairly traumatic childhood myself. Yes, I’d love to emigrate and my childhood dream was to be a nun, so maybe it’s not too late!

He’s blocked and I’m confident in feeling more revulsion rather than addiction or “love”. It’s just my low points I’ll need to watch and reread all this then.

I feel addicted to the highs TBH
well yes. It’s nothing to do with him. You love being treated badly and then winning someone round. You love the novelty of being treated nicely for a bit. You’re enjoying the drama, the suspense, it keeps it exciting. Then when he’s mediocre it feels incredible. So do you think you don’t deserve to be treated nicely all the time? Or do you think if someone was just nice to you that would be boring, is it that you need to prove you can win someone round? Or is it that you like being treated badly because it confirms your own insecurities and at least you know where you stand with that? Or is it simply the fear or rejection, of him moving on and leaving you behind that’s scary enough that it’s worth putting up with him.
either way, it not love, it’s just an emotional cycle that you’re repeating to try to repair some old wound. Stop hurting yourself.
well done for blocking him.

If you have to consult MN, you know the answer.

LTB.

This is not your life. Go free yourself, be happy.

Go complete no contact, it will feel weird for about six weeks. And then when something in your life changes and he doesn't know, it'll feel unsettling, but sit it out. Read Natalie Lee's book (also on audible I think) about no contact.

Trust me. 6-8 weird weeks for a life of selling yourself short. Cheap at the price.

Well done for blocking him. Go and plan something nice for yourself like a night out with friends to look forward to.

Well done OP .
Blocking him is the start of a journey to a whole new you with happiness 🙌

Any situation that is "on again off again" never ends well. Ever

I had a two year on and off thing

it ended 6 months ago and I feel so much better now

the way I see it now is that in actual fact it was a mental sickness , seriously ! I’m now triggered by the highs and lows we had
in fact I’m triggered period

when I get into something like this I realise that it’s because other areas of my life arnt so great

the ONLY way is to go 1000% no contact

its tough and it won’t be easy
and I know it’s boring but don’t date . Focus energy and attention elsewhere

good luck