Going Crazy Deciding If I Should Go Back To Him

[EightiesGal]

Hi MN people
Im looking for advice on my situation.
I’m 42 soon. Have one son he’s 20. Lives with his best mate and another mate.
I split with his dad a long time ago. Just concentrated on him while he was growing up. Almost 4 years ago I started dating for the First time. My son wasn’t too bothered as he was 16 then and absorbed in his social life. He barely had anything to do with my bf but admittedly my bf made no effort to spend time with him or get to know him. I dated him for 18 months nearly then called it off. I was feeling insecure and there were things that I was unhappy about. He’s 9 years older, that’s ok as he’s mature and established in life. His two daughters are grown up.
The issues were he is a dictator. He probably means well but he would lecture me and talk at me not to me. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and even ignore me for a day or two. I felt criticised often and like I couldn’t be my authentic self. He would criticise my parenting too. He probably thought he was looking out for me and could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval. I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet. Basically I learnt do not challenge him, he’s not changing, he’s going to do what he wants no matter what.
After breaking it off I took a job several hours away. Slightly better pay but I needed a change of scenery.
He has stayed in contact and didn’t want me to go. He has asked me to come back and actually move in with him. I’m not sure what to do. Most people would’ve given up the moment the partner left town, but he’s persistent. However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship. I told him I want commitment and to settle down. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to just take a gamble that I pack up and go to him when he can’t reassure me he’s in it for the long haul. I realise there’s no guarantees in life but he’s being quite lukewarm which makes me worry he’s already decided he’s not wanting anything serious. He says I must take a chance and stop being so intense.
In conversations over the past 6 months he’s been very hot and cold and when he’s in a mood he calls me names, runs me down and swears at me. It hurts and he won’t apologise as he says I’m in the wrong for leaving and being away this long.
I still love him but I’m in two minds.
would love opinions

Thank you. I know though that I can be hard to deal with and am insecure and that can make me a pain and clingy. I have my share of faults so I focus on my flaws and then put all blame on myself and either don’t see flaws in the other person or think their bad behaviour is my fault

@EightiesGal

I won’t be moving back.

I'm glad to hear this: it is the correct and safe decision for you and absolutely the right thing for you - but you need to do more than decide not to move back.

• Decide you are not going to keep you hold of the leash he's made for you and be in communication with you as he has been. If you keep letting him contact you, he'll continue to get inside your head and keep you mentally destabilised.

• Write him an email and be very clear you want no kind of relationship with him from this moment on and that any further attempt by him to stay in contact will be considered harassment by you

• if you use social media tie down your profiles so he cannot see anything you're doing, unfriend him or, better yet, come off social media for a while

• block and delete him from your smartphone and/or other devices. If he tries to contact you from another number block and delete him from there too.

• consider changing your mobile number and tell your friends/family that you give the new number to that you were in an abusive relationship and to please not give him your new details. Additionally, they should not pass on any messages from him or tell you what's happening in his life. You need to make a complete cut where he's concerned.

• mark any email messages from him as junk and set to auto delete frequently so you don't have to read them.

• if he knows your address, consider installing a camera doorbell so you know if he comes to your door. Add a new lock to your door if he has keys (I'm assuming not) and put a security chain on the inside of your front door and use it every time you go to open the door.

• please do consider getting some good 1:1 professional psychotherapy/counselling for yourself if possible so you get help in recognising this type of person in the future and strengthen your boundaries against them. I've seen BACP recommended on Mumsnet before.

I really wish you good luck for the future OP. 🌹

Please don’t feel too down. It’s the boiling frog analogy. It’s VERY hard to see clearly when you’ve been slowly boiled.

Just, for your sake, jump out of that pan and find your happiness because you deserve it!

Good for you OP.

It doesn’t sound insane at all, people like him are dominant and crazymakers, it can take time to purge them from your head and restore your peace. If it helps, picture those attachment bonds you mention then picture them as being made of something you dislike or find disgusting (eg a thread made of a food you hate, or of snot, then detach from it and reject it).

He isn’t looking out for you or trying to help you, it’s not about you at all it’s about dominance, control and his delicate little ego. Imagine that ego like a balloon in front of you, then pop it with a pin. (Sorry I’m a very visual person so these things have helped me with a parent who has a personality disorder).

His attitude to your teenage son is repellant, he tried to trash the life of a developing child in his mission to isolate you - a big red flag. And they make themselves sound so reasonable and plausible you doubt your instincts. Raising a teenager can be hard work but you know your child and you knew what this man was doing and rightly ignored him. Well done for seeing him for what he is and for creating physical distance, you are stronger than you realise.

He will tell you to do or not do things or change something about yourself but so what? It’s just something that he said. He’s just a man with no influence on anything although it sounds like it will take you time to accept that. Be proud of yourself, you are already free you just need to update your tech devices to reflect that.

However long you've been apart he's still going to try to lure you back. Because....
You had the nerve to leave him and he just will not accept that you have the right to do that, however big an arsehole he is.
For the sake of his ego he must get you back, so that he can prove to himself that your decision to leave him was wrong.
Then he will punish you, by treating you even worse than before, before dumping you just when you've uprooted your life.

When you’ve spent so many years alone, it’s a comfort to have someone as a companion to do life with. someone to talk to, fall asleep next to, someone to hold

I've spent years alone (several decades, in fact) and I'd rather stick my head in a blender than spend five minutes with this bloke. Your self-esteem isn't on the floor, it's halfway to Australia and digging like fuck if you're falling for all his emotionally manipulative bullying shit.

Agree, poster was asking should she get back with man who was telling her that no other man would be interested in her because she'd left their town to go and work somewhere else. IIRC I pointed out at the time that unless they lived somewhere with a population of 10 those 'other men' wouldn't even have noticed.

I’d never thought about it that he could want me back just to punish me for leaving. That is actually a scary prospect.

Stay away from this man. He will continue to drag you down and down and tread you into the dirt.

He’ll also punish you for leaving him in the first place.

Well done for getting yourself away, but you must stay away.

Be strong, cut contact and delete his number and go cold turkey from this car crash of a man.

Sorry, OP, everything you've posted points to the fact that that's exactly why he wants you back. Someone up thread said you sound like a hostage - go back to him and that's what you'll be.

Yes he will punish you, that is his motive.

It's only a scary prospect if you think of it as one. Think of it instead as pathetic, because it is. Laugh at him, he's a pathetic ageing random little man who you dated for less than 2 years. He's nobody. You have no family or financial connections, you don't work for him. Be thankful and relieved that there is nothing that tethers you to him at all except messages from him that you can completely ignore, and the drama you create around it in your head, which you can choose to indulge or choose to roll your eyes at and also ignore.

And if you stop accepting what he says about you as the truth rather than just a vile man doing his best to break you.

So stop feeling so sorry for yourself, posting miserable updates about your supposed low self esteem and ignorance, its not true, you saw all the signs, you left him because of it and you have described them here. You seem to keep posting for pity and to put your self down, to be soothed and reassured, which no one could do because no one can say its ok, go back to him, making yourself a bigger victim with each post over someone you already binned off. You left him, keep it that way, stop making out you are so ignorant and powerless it sounds like attention seeking. Block him, get some therapy and move on. Edlessly ruminating over him isn't healthy.

Actually, if she needs to ruminate, or vent, or go through every angle of this, to get her head straight, why shouldn’t she here, on a forum designed for that kind of discussion. Being in an abusive situation is very hard to extract yourself from mentally and physically. She had physically made the right choice- mentally and emotionally he is still exerting control over her from a distance. If you don’t want to be there for her, just don’t comment on the thread. Others who have been trauma bonded and given second, third, fourth etc chances to a narcisstic controlling manipulator will happily hold her hand so she can begin the process of fully extracting herself from this situation.

OP, this guy is dominant and abusive. As others have said, going back will only make him see that when he ramps up the abuse he can still manipulate you. He wants a live in situationship where he controls your life, without commitment. He sounds like my ex in so many ways, and it just gets worse. Please do as others have advised and block him and find a much happier future with someone worthy of your love.

send a brief final message, my advice would be something along the lines of:

I left because things were not working out between us. Not only do we not have the same vision for the future, or the same attitude to family, but you also do not love me anymore. There is no relationship here anymore, and I would never uproot my entire life for a situationship. You must think me of very little value to think that I would do so. Your controlling nature compels you to try to reel me back in, even though you don’t really want me, and psychologically that’s something you’re going to have to work out alone. I hope for a much happier future than that, and I wish you well. I will be blocking you, not out of malice but so that we can both independently move on with our lives.

then do it

He wants you back so that he can punish you for leaving, he will make your life he'll, he actively hates you. Please don't go back to him

You’ve made right decision op and it will be hard but the only way is to go no contact with him on all platforms.

If he turns up at your door either acting concerned and then aggressive when you don’t let him in, call the police.

For potential future relationships, look at The Freedom Programme.
You can do it online. I was in an abusive relationship and I thought it was normal. I found the FP a bit of an eye opener. Good luck,OP.

Thank you for this. Your advice make sense and well worded way to contact him and end everything.
I also thank you for understanding that when it comes to our mind and emotions it can be a big tangled mess and not straightforward

IF he was truly genuine about change and wanting you back (he's not), he would be looking to visit you. Instead he is threatened you are moving forwards and leaving him behind where he belongs and he wants to control you again. Do not give up your independence please! Block and move on.

I will.
He had suggested several times meeting up and having a mini holiday and catching up but it never happened. Canceled plans saying no point unless I’m agreeing to move back. He will not visit me because he’s mad I left and does not see why he should make the effort or expense.

The freedom programme!

Plenty more fish in the sea, give your head a big big wobble and move on ! Block all methods he can contact you, and don't look back.
You CAN do so much better.

Why the actual fuck would you even consider going back to this arsehole!?

Pick your self respect off the floor and give it a shake.

There’s other things I haven’t mentioned that would be red flags and also why I left.

Like what? Was he sexually coercive or anything like that?

There wasn’t much sexual activity unfortunately but it was all on his terms and if he wanted it, he would get it but only cared about himself in bed.