Going Crazy Deciding If I Should Go Back To Him

[EightiesGal]

Hi MN people
Im looking for advice on my situation.
I’m 42 soon. Have one son he’s 20. Lives with his best mate and another mate.
I split with his dad a long time ago. Just concentrated on him while he was growing up. Almost 4 years ago I started dating for the First time. My son wasn’t too bothered as he was 16 then and absorbed in his social life. He barely had anything to do with my bf but admittedly my bf made no effort to spend time with him or get to know him. I dated him for 18 months nearly then called it off. I was feeling insecure and there were things that I was unhappy about. He’s 9 years older, that’s ok as he’s mature and established in life. His two daughters are grown up.
The issues were he is a dictator. He probably means well but he would lecture me and talk at me not to me. He was always right and if I did things differently to how he wanted me to, he would be angry and even ignore me for a day or two. I felt criticised often and like I couldn’t be my authentic self. He would criticise my parenting too. He probably thought he was looking out for me and could be loving and caring but only when what I said and did met his approval. I could not tell him things that upset me about him without him becoming very angry, telling me I’m stupid and overreacting or telling me to F off. He is obsessed with porn and I tried talking about how that upset me and it was dismissed like everything else, swept under the carpet. Basically I learnt do not challenge him, he’s not changing, he’s going to do what he wants no matter what.
After breaking it off I took a job several hours away. Slightly better pay but I needed a change of scenery.
He has stayed in contact and didn’t want me to go. He has asked me to come back and actually move in with him. I’m not sure what to do. Most people would’ve given up the moment the partner left town, but he’s persistent. However he’s telling me that I need to win back his trust after leaving and his affections as I’ve been away a long time. He’s not in love with me anymore and not sure he wants me as a life partner, not sure he wants a long term relationship. I told him I want commitment and to settle down. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to just take a gamble that I pack up and go to him when he can’t reassure me he’s in it for the long haul. I realise there’s no guarantees in life but he’s being quite lukewarm which makes me worry he’s already decided he’s not wanting anything serious. He says I must take a chance and stop being so intense.
In conversations over the past 6 months he’s been very hot and cold and when he’s in a mood he calls me names, runs me down and swears at me. It hurts and he won’t apologise as he says I’m in the wrong for leaving and being away this long.
I still love him but I’m in two minds.
would love opinions

So you have a choice of :

a) living an independent life where you can make your own choices or

b) move in with a dictator, a man who is nice to you to reel you in but true self is horrible, disrespectful, abusive, controlling, critical, calls you c word (but your fault), is porn obsessed and who doesn’t care a jot about you.

please dont choose b)

Perhaps you need some therapy to work out why you dont think you deserve better than to be treated badly. I’m sorry but he has stayed in touch because he thinks he can control you.

stay free from him you deserve so much better dont you?

I’m obviously more messed up than I realised and it’s probably because as posters say, I’ve kept in contact with him and it’s affected me a lot. I just haven’t realised it. I guess the best option for my sanity is breaking all contact as hard as it might initially be

You definitely need to break all contact, delete and block him on everything!
He's been dripping his poison in to your ear ever since you left. And this is why you have even contemplated going back.
I'm encouraged that you seem to be coming out of the fog.
Keep on bring strong @EightiesGal you can do this.

Yes break contact please you need to break free.

He is kind and attentive to pretend he is a good person, but he is not as you see his true self when you don’t do what he says don’t you?

Can you get some counselling I have always found it very helpful.

@EightiesGal

The language you are using is frightening. Honestly you sound like a hostage being made to repeat what your captors have scripted for you. Its like you’ve been brainwashed into believing the sky is green and the grass is blue.

This man has headfucked you so badly it’s scary. You really need to go NC and stick with that for the rest of your life. This man will continue to systematically destroy you if you continue speaking to him.

Even the strongest and most independent women can be fooled by some of these master manipulators. Don't be down on yourself, be proud and strong that you spotted this years ago.
He is the one that told you you were crazy, you're not, he only wants you to doubt yourself to get control over you and make you believe everything he says.

You can have an amazing life, concentrate on yourself, your son, your friends.

I blocked my ex when I heard him call his mum a cunt on the phone because she'd spoken to his ex about looking after the kids while we were away for a few days. He couldn't stand the thought of people he had tried to drive a wedge between, talking without his knowledge or control.

I was nervous for a few weeks that he would try other ways to contact me, but when he did I just closed them down one by one. It's been 18 months now and I am so happy and free. I see my friends and family regularly, day trips, fun things.
Things I didn't have time to do as he always arranged all our time so it was so packed I didn't have time for thing I wanted to do on my own.

Instead of thinking about him, think about your son and plan some future stuff together and strengthen your friendships and make new ones.
The real relationships are the one's which nurture you and never, ever feel threatening or scary.

As difficult as it may seem, please block this man and do not entertain any ideas of giving up your job, life etc to be under his control.

I fear if you move in with him you could say goodbye to your life and will see your son less and less as he'll brainwash you to cut your son off. Plus he shouldn't be charging rent to you. That's a no no.

Also, if he won't let your son under his roof, imagine in a few years your son has kids, and this guy won't let you see them or have them to visit/stay. That would be hard.

You're worth so much more than to be verbal abused, called horrible names, called naive which I bet you're not. Given the silent treatment and everything else

Have you met his children? Does he have a relationship with them?
I bet he was awful to them growing up and if you could somehow check there's a chance his marriage ended due to his controlling behaviour

I rarely see a post where 💯 of the replies say the same thing.

Please listen to them 🩷

His daughters are both late 20s and seen to have a good relationship with him but they were only 11 and 14 when his wife left him and she did the majority of parenting from then on. I do not know why she left him as he doesn’t talk about it. I’ve learnt not to ask personal questions as he gets angry.
I must have big problems to not see what everyone else sees straight away especially when nobody has met him. I’ve been in the mind frame that this is a good man and I maybe made a mistake leaving, it’s my fault he isn’t in love with me anymore, I’m lucky he will give it another go and I must make the effort to get his love back. It’s quite depressing

This

If anyone needs to undertake the freedom programme its you OP. Please look it up. Youll then spot these sort of men a mile off.

OP he is seriously abusive and coercively controlling you as well as verbally abusing you.

Please block this person he is and always will be a piece of shit.

He treats you like you’re nothing and how he’s better than you and everyone on here is warning you now he has not got your best interests at heart and how abusive he is.

It's absolutely understandable that after years of being the one doing all the nurturing, being the grown-up, making the decisions, and pouring all your love and care into your child, you now want to relax in a comfortable partnership with someone who'll share life's burdens and make you feel cared for in your turn. Unfortunately this man has shoehorned himself into that role which he is singularly unfitted to fill. Obviously he does know how to be nice and caring, as he shows he can act that way when it suits him, but his default mode is demanding and critical. After someone has been horrible to you, their switching to loving behaviour feels extra amazing by comparison. He plays this game well.

The good news is that there are nice men around (I gave birth to several myself). It doesn't have to be a choice between being single for the rest of your life or staying with the lousy ex-partner because he's the first man you got together with once you were dating again. Don't rush into another relationship, that brings its own problems, but just live life and meet men in the course of it, and you'll be surprised how many are perfectly decent. There can and almost certainly will be a good man out there who would be happy to share his life with a woman just like you, who doesn't feel the need to play mind games, and who would never sully his lips with the C-word! Someone who appreciates you as you are, rather than what he believes he can mould you into. Someone whose arms you are genuinely safe to wake up in.

One more thing that occurred to me: it's a complete red herring for your ex to say he doesn't want to go back to parenting, given your son is 20 and lives independently. No actual parenting required (sounds like you did your job well). But if your son ever needed a roof over his head for a while, as his mother you'd want to be able to provide it. Fancy having some bloke tell you you couldn't. After all it would be HIS house and what he says goes. Ugh.

Please tell me that the unanimous posting here is helping you and that you’re not still considering this abusive man an option?

Block and delete. And then seek the support you need to unpick how you’d even consider this!

It’s definitely changing my views and perspective. I’m just feeling down and concerned that I’m so warped or whatever you’d call it that I can’t see unacceptable behaviour and recognise control, red flags and deal breakers. I worry about my future inability to spot warning signs.

you beat me to it. ive read this before on here and the advice was the same then as it is now.

I feel that I am not very good at spotting signs either so I have decided to being single until I feel totally safe and secure that I know what I might be getting into.

I actually love being single now and can't think of a single way a relationship could enhance my life. It's very freeing. I am the happiest I've ever been.

You don't have to be in a relationship so try to stop worrying about it

@EightiesGal this man has been priming you to be the perfect victim of his abuse. The way he’s has treated you is emotional abuse pure and simple. Do not consider moving in with someone who has put you in the position where you now need to prove yourself. This is manipulation pure and simple.

Very calculated that he couldn’t have you and doesn’t love or trust you but still remained in communication with you. I don’t think he sees you as a person but as a thing to fulfil something in his life. He is lord and master and his rules cannot be challenged. You are the weak subject who must prove loyalty and trust and submit to all his rules and never challenge him.

this is the dynamic he is creating. This is not a relationship but abuse.

You would have to be absolutely insane to do this.

Read that back and think about the advice you would give to your best friend or if you had one, your daughter.

He would punish you for the rest of your life if you make this mistake.

Hi OP. Even before reading other posts I thought 'trauma bonding'.

You are NOT warped, he is. They suck you in with a cack-handed charm offensive and it can be very persuasive, they criticise you to make you want to please them, to do better, and people like this are very good at ignoring your boundaries and making you think you are at fault for having boundaries at all, they take your peace of mind and make you doubt your own sanity. Meanwhile you are left believing you love them (when the butterflies are more to do with anxiety than affection) but constantly wondering what you are doing wrong, when the answer is nothing.

Manipulators do not like being rejected, they have to be the ones who reject others, their fragile ego can't cope otherwise. You left and that is still needling him 2 years later. he is trying to hoover you back in so he can treat you badly all over again and regain his sense of superiority. It's been irritating him since you left, not because he cares about you in the slightest but because it doesn't fit the narrative he's built around the relationship.

If that's not enough, he doesn't want your son around, why would you choose anyone over your own child? He even told you he doesn't love you, take that as true, people like this don't love.

And if that's not enough, he should be gone just for calling you a cunt. I've been with my partner for decades and if he ever called me that, or even bitch, just once, he'd be gone. This guy you were with for just 18 months and he did it multiple times. You binned him, leave him in the bin where he belongs.

He can probably be very charming and appear wonderful to others because they only see the superficial mask, or they see past it and walk away. But he is coercing you. He has even told you that you have to put the work in to regain his affection, how big of him.

Block contact, ignore any of his messages in future and have zero to do with him. Don't bother even to tell him you're doing it, don't give him any more of your valuable time at all, just congratulate yourself that you are free of this bell end and get on enjoying living the life you've made for yourself.

OP, please block him. Your later posts make it even worse not better.

This man wants you under his control and to change yourself to become what he wants. You are not flawed, you are just not bending to his will and he doesn't like it.

He wants to treat you like shit and for you to be grateful for that!

I have seen this happen to people before where the man says - oh we could be perfect if

you didn't have kids
you did what you were told
you didn't spend any money
you don't go out with your friends
you let me control the finances

Block , block and never have contact with him again. This man will destroy your life.

OP, please work on your self esteem and recognising your value. This man sounds horrible.

I will have to make a complete break. As insane as it sounds, it won’t be easy initially because bonds and attachments been formed, got used to talking to
him, being in my life even from miles away. All along he’s had a way of making me believe he’s looking out for me and trying to help me. I went through a rough patch with my son being a teenager and he was telling me to kick him out. I couldn’t kick my own son out with nowhere to go. Yes he was being disrespectful and not pulling his weight at that time but I’m not going to turf my kid out. The boyfriend said he was looking out for me and didn’t want me to continue being disrespected and run down by my son and so insisting I kick him out was being helpful. Obviously I didn’t kick him out. It was a phase my son went through as do most teens.
So basically he will tell me to either do or not do things or change something about myself and say it’s being helpful because he cares.
I won’t be moving back.

Can probably close this thread now, I know I’ve got long road ahead and I am thankful for everyone posting especially the long posts, people really wanting to help

Dont be too hard on yourself OP. This type of behaviour builds up over time and him being seemingly kind and caring is part of the manipulation to make you think he is nice really, or its your fault for whatever reason they got upset or angry.

You have seen the light now so keep going towards it. Good luck!

Bin him and have a great life!

The world awaits you xx