I constantly attract married men (NOT a humblebrag - please read before judgement)

[Leavingbyebye]

Ok “constantly” probably an exaggeration. But frequently. I went through a divorce 12 months ago. No kids and as amicable as things can be. I am late 30s.

Since my early 20s there are probably no less than 12-15 married men who have not only made a move but have made persistent efforts to start an emotional affair. I have got in too deep with 2 in particular to the detriment of my own mental health but never physically cheated.

cards on the table - I am reasonably attractive but pretty ‘generic’. Nothing special. Have a bit of a laddish personality if I’m honest but also have a close circle of female friends who have stuck with me through my relationship breakdown and I like to think a strong moral compass in that I have not and would not cheat or knowingly be with a married man. Having gone through the pain of divorce and out the other side - I know it’s hard but not impossible - if these men are so unhappy as they claim to be why are they with their wives?

I suppose what I’m asking is…why am I specifically attracting married men over and over again? I definitely don’t come across as ‘easy’, have a good career, certainly not someone who needs rescuing or who is easily influenced. But still it happens. I’m so aware this might appear to be a humblebrag, honestly it’s the total opposite as I’d love to meet some decent SINGLE men (do they exist?!) although I’m in no hurry. Am I giving out a certain vibe? What I’m particularly sad about is I’ve lost a handful of good friendships due to this because things have got so uncomfortable.

any thoughts. Happy for honestly but please be kind, I’m not in the best mental place at the moment and this isn’t the only thing in my life I’m questioning

If you mean men in unhappy marriages, they may see you as a great new wife material (with all the qualities you've listed), and many married men are really nervous just taking the plunge getting out of marriage and not having someone lined up. There are statistics, I think, that most married men leave for someone, whereas many women divorce just to get out of the wring marriage and then start looking (or not).
If you went on a dating site, no doubt single me who want a relationship would be interested, but single men who are playing the field and in no rush may see you as too serious / too accomplished for anything casual so don't approach.

I've heard this from a lot of women newly separated - all I can think of is that married men suddenly see you as being fair game and are acting sharkish

I have no answer but it happend to me a lot. To be honest in my experience it happens to a lot of women. Married men like to flirt, almost all will go further if given the opportunity. Just look at how many affair threads there are on here.

You're finding out that the proportion of married men eager to cheat is higher than you thought. It's nothing specific about you: they're trying it on with other women as well.

Disappointing, isn't it.

Thanks for the replies so far. Disappointing sums it up. Not least as I’ve found out ExH cheated (at least) twice during our marriage.

I get that about men getting someone lined up before leaving but that is manipulative to say the least as the (presumably single) woman then has to live with the fact she’s been part of a marriage (and possibly family) break up. Selfish.

I think more women end relationships and are content on their own for a bit - I haven’t done any online dating yet because being self critical I’m wondering why I keep attracting this type of bloke. I don’t think I’m giving out wrong signals but guess I must be

I think no small proportion of married men try the, "My wife just doesn't understand me," line on anything that moves.

I wonder how you've encountered these men and in what context?

You must have known them beyond just a night out presumably, to know they were married and to allow them to pursue an emotional affair? Did you also know their partners?

Why did you let two of them go too far? What happened there?

I’m wondering why I keep attracting this type of bloke. I don’t think I’m giving out wrong signals

Love, you're not attracting only this kind of bloke. It's just that there's so many of them! You basically have to choose between giving out no 'signals' (or giving 'fuck off signals') and fending off unsuitable suitors. It's a bummer.

I'm sorry you've lost some friendships; that's also par for the course, sadly. Another common development is friends not inviting you to things unless they've got a spare man as well. Strangely, they carry on inviting the spare men to everything: it's only women who get treated as risk factors.

There are just loads of them. It's nothing special about you, other than you're now single, so there's no other man in the way. If you're on OLD, there are plenty there, too. Some of them will forget to mention the fact they're married. They are tedious.

There are also decent, single men out there, but you need to go through most of the haystack before you find the needle.

I think having what you describe as a "laddish" ppersonality may contribute - I have similar, I'm quite independent/self-contained/have solitary focussed hobbies and work and don't tend to go round in a big group of women.

I'm quite mainstream, but I don't really naturally slot into an all female group

this tends to be a green light for some men.

I dont like seeing myself as vulnerable, but a woman on her own is always seen as an easy target, if that makes sense? It doesn't matter how I want to see myself, that's how people react .

So I don't think twice about attending mixed events solo. Of course, this is 100% my right (as is other peoples right to prefer big groups) and isn't even worthy of thinking about.

However, being not visually "part of a pack" means it doesn't matter how strong willed I am or feminist, people including men see this as "easier" or "accessible".

If I always was joined at the hip with my mum and aunt and chatty Naomi from accounts then it would be harder for men to break past that (but not really my style).

I don't like a herd mentality, but a herd protects as predators target the solo ones.

If you're in your 30's, good job, no kids, I'm afraid you will also now be seen as a potential cash cow and new step mum for a lot of men with young kids looking to jump ship!

The other thing is desperate people and people with less to offer try harder.

Of course an affair with a married guy probably contributes very little positively to a woman's life (unless he's a tycoon offering to buy you a flat or something haha). So they need to do the hard sell and are more pushy.

The guys who are more prizeable on the dating market will be less visible and pushy as they know women will be willing to do more chasing.

I'm sorry you're going through this as its ultimately horrible and demeaning to single women and means you have to be more protective of your boundaries.

I tend to reduce contact now and be brusque or detached (keep work stuff to work email, no-one needs to know my personal details) as I feel a lot of partnered men like testing boundaries and creating ambiguity.

Being more private and emotionally closed helps. I'm even thinking of making up some imaginary strapping sons to put men off!

Again, I think having a direct personality means I can overshare/give too many details and info is catnip to creeps

(ok looking childfree woman living alone = Creep Stampede).

(We all know who will get the blame if Mr Married Casanova makes a move and there's unpleasant gossip - its never the man!).

There’s loads of crap men that act like this. You need to cut them off straight away. Don’t give them the time of day and they can’t try to start anything.

They’re obviously acting terribly, but you must be letting them in for things to have gone too far. These men are creepy fuckers with low morals, why are you even bothering with them?

You can’t change how they act but you can change your own behaviour. Most women could have had your experiences but they just don’t engage with these creeps.

Yep. Same here. I have since I was young.
it’s because men are trash.

It's your age and statistics. Most men at this life stage are married.

Buckle up, because you are at the perfect age now where men get jaded with their marriage- and women too tbf.
It will be a comfort thing to start if you are 'one of the lads'. I'm a tad like that so find it easy to be friends with men - prefer it sometimes to females. Real ale, footie, and formula one ( not so much these days) are interests I have, so it's quite easy to chat and get on. If their wives are less laddish, you will be a breath of fresh air. Add to that not having DC's yourself and it becomes more attractive that their humdrum parenting side of life. Just have to put up with turning them down and thanking christ you are not their partner.

In my 30's and single I had similar experiences, very depressing. Old boyfriends who suddenly wanted to catch up, work colleagues etc

They had small kids so perhaps is a life stage that they go through, the people that were involved weren't always the obvious one either, but the 'good' guys too

It did make me more cynical about men, when I was young the thought of ending up single was terrifying but it's stuff like that that is changing my mind . .

Now I am a bit older in a relationship with kids, and it doesn't happen anymore - I try not to think about it from the other side

I simply don't socialise with married men or married couples any more. They were more trouble than it's worth.

Ugh, I hear you OP - and I’m a minger so it’s not my stunning Vogue cover model looks. I’ve been happily married for 30 years so I never act on it but it has been tedious at times. In my case I think it’s because my favourite hobby is a male-dominated sport, which my husband can take or leave so often doesn’t accompany me to events so I end up something of a relative novelty as a lone woman. (I’m spectating not competing, in case anyone thinks he’s unsupportive!)

If anything ever happened to my husband I think I’ll be single for the rest of my life because based on the behaviour of far too many other married men I’ve encountered, I’d never trust anyone not to be trying it on with other women as soon as my back was turned!

I've never married but married women have made it obvious what they want, and I'm either scared away or wrestling with my conscience but glad I have these morals as experience has guided me to make good decisions which I don't regret or feel guilty about.

Now that you have navigated your divorce and have a balanced life you are probably more confident and relaxed than many of the women around you. Something about your personality/confidence/capability is also keeping your women friends 'on side' as well.

Same with me in my thirties. Newly single. I always said my ex didn't give me issues with men, it was the sheer number of married men when I was single that tried things on!

I don't socialise much with anyone, but I suppose that quite a lot of men in their 30 are married and willing to cheat if they have the opportunity.
It is not you, is them.

don’t think I’m giving out wrong signals but guess I must be

It's not you, it's them. Just don't give them any headspace at all. Get on with your life and enjoy yourself.

You don’t have to give out any signals at all for some men to try it on with you. Just existing as a woman is enough in my experience. I have had this happen to me. It’s actually tiresome. Now I’m in my fifties it’s not as bad. I have zero tolerance or interest in any man now, so I shut that shit down double quick.

When I was newly separated ( not yet divorced ) I even had male work colleagues make suggestions to ' help me out ' if I ever felt the need.
Needless to say they received a very cold stare in return !

Is this none the same for most people?

I'm the same and have lost trace of how many men have commented about the lack on ring on my finger which propositing me while reading theirs.

To married, frequent cheats, it's a numbers game. They hit on everyone knowing that it only takes one yes.