I constantly attract married men (NOT a humblebrag - please read before judgement)

[Leavingbyebye]

Ok “constantly” probably an exaggeration. But frequently. I went through a divorce 12 months ago. No kids and as amicable as things can be. I am late 30s.

Since my early 20s there are probably no less than 12-15 married men who have not only made a move but have made persistent efforts to start an emotional affair. I have got in too deep with 2 in particular to the detriment of my own mental health but never physically cheated.

cards on the table - I am reasonably attractive but pretty ‘generic’. Nothing special. Have a bit of a laddish personality if I’m honest but also have a close circle of female friends who have stuck with me through my relationship breakdown and I like to think a strong moral compass in that I have not and would not cheat or knowingly be with a married man. Having gone through the pain of divorce and out the other side - I know it’s hard but not impossible - if these men are so unhappy as they claim to be why are they with their wives?

I suppose what I’m asking is…why am I specifically attracting married men over and over again? I definitely don’t come across as ‘easy’, have a good career, certainly not someone who needs rescuing or who is easily influenced. But still it happens. I’m so aware this might appear to be a humblebrag, honestly it’s the total opposite as I’d love to meet some decent SINGLE men (do they exist?!) although I’m in no hurry. Am I giving out a certain vibe? What I’m particularly sad about is I’ve lost a handful of good friendships due to this because things have got so uncomfortable.

any thoughts. Happy for honestly but please be kind, I’m not in the best mental place at the moment and this isn’t the only thing in my life I’m questioning

I don’t even think you have to be in your 30s. A friend in his mid sixties lost her husband sadly and nursed him through his long illness. He was barely cold before one of their joint married friends came on to her as well as a different man that she used to chat to when out walking the dog!

The sad thing is she feels she needs to curb her bright personality at a time when she is most lonely for fear of giving signals.

Unbelievable.

I'm sure everyone here is sharing real experiences but this thread is one of the most negatively loaded discussions towards men that I've come across here. Im sure that these married creeps do exist but anyone reading most of the contributions would think that the majority of married men are sexual predators on the side, seeking out any potential victim to start an affair with. Perhaps the loyal and devoted husbands simply aren't noticed as much? Do they have to keep themselves so as not to be accused of testing the water nowadays? It's a shame that the experiences mentioned here, which are valid and common, seem to be portrayed as the norm. I don't think it is.

Five minutes on the Relationships board would show you how many wives are blindsided by their “loyal and devoted husbands” having an affair.

We don’t need a NAMALTer thanks. If you (abstract you) are genuinely a loyal and devoted husband then this thread isn’t about you. And if you (again, generic you) are a married man feeling defensive reading this thread, then maybe it’s time to examine your behaviour.

Sometimes the cheek of it is pretty outstanding; I remember one married man making a pass at me when his wife was literally in the next room. Awful

It’s the laddish personality part that’s causing it. What you’re finding out is that as soon as you become friendly with a man, most will eventually test your boundaries whether they are married are not. Men can’t have women friends, it confuses them. Once in a blue moon it works but if you’re laughing at their jokes- they will want to have sex with you 97% of the time.

Yes I know it's not about the decent partners, but there are contributions on here that are coming pretty close, if not actually, stating that this is normal behaviour for married men. Common yes, but not normal. I posted as even tho It's not the topic, a bit of NAMALT perspective sometimes is called for. Im sure we already knew that, but it does no harm to be reminded.

It’s your/their age. Men so rarely leave relationships to be single. I have a couple of work acquaintances both now in their mid/late-40s. One always says “you’ve got to line them up before you knock them down” (meaning always have another woman to go to before you leave one) and another who always refers to anyone’s wife (if they’re the first wife) as someone’s ‘starter marriage’. This guy has been married once and divorced, and in the 10 years I’ve known him the women he’s dated have been between 27 and 32, regardless of his age.

I use them as an example of behaviour that I increasingly see with men. My job is such that I have to socialise/network a lot, it’s I’d say 70/30 male dominated and it’s like a free for all. They hit on anyone and everyone and are 100% unbothered.

It's definitely not just a 30s thing.

I was suddenly widowed in my late 40s and have never been so inundated with offers from married men.

Husbands of friends that are didn't even realise had my number (& had certainly never called me previously) were suddenly "accidentally" phoning me gone midnight.

Old workmates, school friends, uni buddies and neighbours were all offering me company (without their wives joining them) in a nudge-nudge, wink-wink sort of way. It started the day after my husband's funeral 🙄

I've shut down every offer, sometimes replying to them in a group WhatsApp when they'd messaged me privately, just so everyone knows where they stand. Thankfully that seems to have stemmed the flow somewhat.

Well, if married men would stop hitting on me, I wouldn’t be able to complain about it, would I?

They aren’t even hiding it. They wear rings, and I know from previous conversations they’re definitely married too.

Some of the creeps are obvious creeps. Others are men you would never guess were capable of acting that way. As has been already said, take a look on the Relationships board. I think it’s more common for a man to hit on another woman than it is for a man to honour his vows when no one is watching.

The sad thing is, single women get blamed for this behaviour all the time by the wives. We don’t want another woman’s gross husband hitting on us. Blame should go where it’s due…

I think most women have a story about being hit on by a married men. Just as most women have a story about being sexually harassed by a man (whether that’s verbal, whistling, groping or an ‘accidental’ case of being pushed up against on public transport).

Just because the stats are depressing doesn’t make them not true.

I hate networking events. Like you say, they’re often male dominated.

You think you’ve done a good job of coming across well, you’ve spoken about business-y things… then the day after you get an inMail on LinkedIn inviting you out for a drink at X because it’s not far from your place of work.

It makes you so wary of trying to network. Which then can in turn hold you back professionally.

I have the same problem and I’m not even single so am giving no vibes at all. It affects my self esteem actually, I can’t work out what they see in me that suggests “side chick”. I’m friendly, I am pretty I will admit, but all my friends seem to meet men that actually treat them like a whole person - or if it’s romantic - want to take them out and be with them properly. Where as every time I get approached, even at the bar just stood there minding my business, or at work minding my business, it’s flirtatious and obviously just for one thing. Makes me very disheartened in men as a whole really, what is it about me that immediately rules me out of friend zone, which is the only zone I want to be in.

so no answers but am watching the replies.

It’s the fact that you’re female. That’s it.

Don't blame yourself for their behaviour.

We’re reminded of it every time we try to have a conversation about any female experience where men behave in ways that make us feel uncomfortable or worse. Every. Sodding. Time. We really, really don’t need more reminders.

The thing is that I know it’s not all men, as my friend seems to attract ones that aren’t like that at all. She’s very similar to me personality wise and in looks. I know it does seem like I am blaming myself for it, I’ll take that and examine it, but it really does feel like I am the only one in my friendship group who gets this.

Trust your own experience and your own judgement and take precautions if you need to.

But please, please stop the self-blaming.

Don't Other yourself.

I'm quite open about behaviour that upsets me, even if expressing this makes me unpopular at times.

(as a petite woman with no protective family, I know I'll get eaten alive unless I trust my instincts.

I'm chilling at home thinking about holiday and baking plans and Mumsnetting. Might light an incense stick.

If I DIDN'T trust my instincts I'd be sitting here stressed out whilst some Mr Creepy Married Dominator imposed his weird needs onto me).

I've been told by other women I'm overreacting, they don't have those problems etc etc.

I'd take those comments with a pinch of salt.

For example, I've detached from creepy bullying men in the workplace, whilst other women are like "oh, of course we get on with X, it's just you! We can handle him fine".

I feel like an overreacting mad woman! But I know I'm not.

Then of course, later on, I'm finding out they've had similar experiences with X (which actually upset them hugely) but they want to be a bit "cool girl" on me and brag about their superior social skills....

Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your goals and trust your feelings.

That's all that matters.

I used to get this too . If I smiled and was friendly I was seen as easy fair game . My friend who is on the same level as me with looks and figure doesn't get this and she is smiley and chatty but they don't treat her as easy game like they do me .

I get approached more by married men than not. Maybe they like flirting more, maybe desperate for attention? Maybe feels safer as it won't become a relationship?
Whereas single men feel like chatting a woman up is a big deal/pressure
No idea but it's depressing
I get so many old married men sleazing around me, gross as fuck.

@dontcountonit Yep lost a few female friends due to their husbands sniffing around, I had no part of it and wouldn't touch them if they were the last man on earth. It's very infair

@Whenwasthis As I get older I see it's even the "good" ones too. I've had many male friends in my inbox who are in wholesome marriages and who I would never have expected. It's not EVERY man but I do think the majority would if they could.
I'm bisexual and the older I get the more I lean towards women. I hate male behaviour

unfair*

Thanks for all your replies, I’m relieved it’s not just me but shocked at the extent of it all.

im not changing my personality or interests but I think I do need to be clearer after any first approach or suggestion of it that I don’t do married men!

I think it's unnecessary to be reminded. I think almost everyone already acknowledged that it wasn't all men.

You also said Im sure that these married creeps do exist but anyone reading most of the contributions would think that the majority of married men are sexual predators on the side, seeking out any potential victim to start an affair with

People don't base their entire understanding on men based on what they read on a MN thread and have a whole lot of other places where they glean knowledge from such as real life so there is literally no need at all to be jumping in to remind people that NAMALT.

It comes across that it's you, not the people that you're trying to remind who doesn't actually understand that MN isn't the source of all knowledge!

Someone makes a generalization on the internet. "OMG I must set them straight and reassure them that NAMALT!"

You can't do anything about men being creepy. However, I think that if you have got emotionally involved with two of these men then you maybe need to reset your boundaries so that you send out the message that you are not interested much earlier in your interactions with them. So, think about where your boundaries are and what you consider friendly behaviour vs unwanted behaviour. Because even the least subtle creep tests the waters before hitting on you. So think about these situations and where you want to have your boundary and what you can do to maintain that boundary to prevent unwanted attention:

Do you allow any physical contact or invasions of your personal space?
Do you allow comments on your physical appearance?
Do you allow any 'poor me' comments?
How much do you talk to men about the ending of your relationship?
Are you happy to socialise with men in a one to one situation?
Do you allow teasing or flirting?

I agree re the 2 men (of many more I haven’t) those are guys I was close colleagues with beforehand so we had a genuine reason to chat (mostly work based but often lighthearted) I hadn’t realised until after they came on to me (months apart but almost carbon copy actions) that perhaps I’d given wrong signals. I did not act physically but I found those two harder to turn down which makes me realise I had started to develop feelings that were wrong.

I have not and would not knowingly enter any kind of relationship with a married man.

Lesson learned is to be less open about my personal life at work and have better boundaries. I still maintain I did not actively lead these men on though and that’s why I posted this thread really, for any insight on how common this is and anything I might be doing but not consciously realising to lead them all.

also what is NAMALT???!

NAMALT = not all men are like that.

And sure, not all men are. Statistically, any general observation will aways have exceptions.

But lots of men are. And they're the ones we're talking about.