I constantly attract married men (NOT a humblebrag - please read before judgement)

[Leavingbyebye]

Ok “constantly” probably an exaggeration. But frequently. I went through a divorce 12 months ago. No kids and as amicable as things can be. I am late 30s.

Since my early 20s there are probably no less than 12-15 married men who have not only made a move but have made persistent efforts to start an emotional affair. I have got in too deep with 2 in particular to the detriment of my own mental health but never physically cheated.

cards on the table - I am reasonably attractive but pretty ‘generic’. Nothing special. Have a bit of a laddish personality if I’m honest but also have a close circle of female friends who have stuck with me through my relationship breakdown and I like to think a strong moral compass in that I have not and would not cheat or knowingly be with a married man. Having gone through the pain of divorce and out the other side - I know it’s hard but not impossible - if these men are so unhappy as they claim to be why are they with their wives?

I suppose what I’m asking is…why am I specifically attracting married men over and over again? I definitely don’t come across as ‘easy’, have a good career, certainly not someone who needs rescuing or who is easily influenced. But still it happens. I’m so aware this might appear to be a humblebrag, honestly it’s the total opposite as I’d love to meet some decent SINGLE men (do they exist?!) although I’m in no hurry. Am I giving out a certain vibe? What I’m particularly sad about is I’ve lost a handful of good friendships due to this because things have got so uncomfortable.

any thoughts. Happy for honestly but please be kind, I’m not in the best mental place at the moment and this isn’t the only thing in my life I’m questioning

You're probably quite a chatty, friendly person Op which is great with other women, sadly, in my experience a lot of men completely misinterpret that as a come on. Far too many men don't see women as friends, they see them as opportunities, if you're friendly they think you're flirting. Look at all the guys posting elsewhere about being "Friend zoned" - they dont think being your friend is a compliment, they feel slighted because you don't have a sexual interest in them.

Have you also experienced the blokes who drop their wives into conversation within 5 minutes of chatting?

I’m very friendly and chatty and work in a male dominated industry. When I’m meeting new clients/ colleagues and making small talk , they do everything to bring up their wives. It’s like they interpret any kind of friendliness as finding them irresistible! 🙄

I think it’s just them wrestling with their dirty minds.

in one way, it’s rather sweet, but on the other hand, it also reveals they seem to view every women as a possible sexual partner.

if these men are so unhappy as they claim to be why are they with their wives?

This is a very simplistic view. There are literally 100s of women on MN who post about their unhappy marriages. If leaving was that simple, don't you think most of them would just do it?

Where are you meeting all these married men? Is it online dating? If so, could you try RL dating for a while?

I've had this too. It's sickening. One guy I really really liked, which took a lot after being cheated on and having a horrific divorce. I found out by accident that he was married. I was disgusted. Obviously knocked it on the head immediately. It is my view that a very large proportion of married men will cheat.

Where are you meeting all these married men? Is it online dating? If so, could you try RL dating for a while?

In the office, OLD, parties... RL dating won't make much difference.

Have a bit of a laddish personality if I’m honest

The sheer number of them might indicate that this is probably part of the issue. They let their guard down around you and start wanting or suggesting things that they wouldn't dare with other women. Depending on your humour and maybe interests, you might be seen as a laddette, someone who's cool, low maintenance and 'up-4-a-laff'.

You’re not ‘easy’. What does that mean then?

If you entertain misogynistic notions like that you may appear less than intelligent to these men. Also, we all attract them. You don’t have to entertain them.

I've actually took time and read a lot of comments/ reactions. There's a difference in opinions whether male/female point of view. I'm surprised by some, it's quite eye opening to me as I've never been married and it's obviously deep and meaningful and it's bond that you made a promise to each other and that's the point and why it's called marriage. I don't think it's being true to yourself after making that commitment in the first place wether your a man or woman. Temptations to do things outside of our normality are always there its who are, and the choice you make in this situation risks everything and sometimes it's too late the damage is done and you'll learn from when trust is broken. Don't take my opinion to heart because you'll all have more family/marriage experience than I do, I'm open and honest in my relationships otherwise your lying to yourself and the person your with.

If you've been brought up with brothers and are also physically attractive you could be giving off a certain vibe that some men will misinterpret. Happy and confident around men, have a high tolerance for/like/know about traditionally 'men' stuff like football/rugby ext. Likes a laugh/joke and around them feels relaxed, unthreatened. Not looking for love. This can be very attractive to men and of they R looking for something and you are not, might take a while before the penny drops that what you see as a great friendship they are seeing as an emotional affair.

pretty much every man will knock on every door until someone answers. It’s not you, it’s them

This is what has happened to me in the past. I don't have brothers but I was the only girl in all my sixth form classes and pretty much the only woman in every working environment I've ever had.

I'll be merrily living life, thinking it's great my colleagues are so good to work with and we all get along, then boom!

One piece of advice - don't assume that married men who show interest are unhappy in their marriage. Even if they drop hints that they are, it's very likely that the marriage is fine, but they suddenly notice everything that is wrong in their marriage when they are flirting or trying their luck with a new woman.

And even though you would never cheat or encourage a married man, on principle, there is still a slippery slope that starts with flirting, progresses through mutual feelings, and can end up an emotional affair. Try to keep that in mind, because even if they sense you would never be up for physical cheating, they may still try to make a connection emotionally, and you will have feelings before you know it. Then, the first time you see them with their partner and realise that their relationship is alive and well, it can be very painful to you.

Also keep in mind that single men may not show their interest so blatently. They may be more careful and more of a slow burn type of thing, so don't let the married Casanovas make you think the single guys aren't interested!

What is an emotional affair? What’s the point in them? I’m sure years ago we would just think these men were creeps.

I was thinking about this - my job (when younger) involved heavy socialising with clients, more of whom were men than women. I was, I think, "one of the lads" in behaviour though not appearance. So were many of the other women.

I made it EXTREMELY clear, fairly frequently, that "I don't do married or otherwise attached." I was always batting off other blokes, but not the ones I knew via work. In fact, I was so out of bounds that, when I ended up drunkenly sharing a room with the only guy who was both available and attractive (mutually, as far as I could tell), neither of us made a move 🤷🏻‍♀️

I used to state my policy matter-of-factly, the same as you'd say "I'm vegetarian" or "I live in Tooting".

I made it EXTREMELY clear, fairly frequently, that "I don't do married or otherwise attached."

But you still felt you had to do that. We ought to be able to take it for granted that it won't ever be an issue without even saying a word. And we can't, because so many will just try.

Yep, @EBearhug

This. I was actually told 'I'll help you spend your settlement' by a bloke at the gym who suddenly fancied his chances. His wife was at the gym too. I couldn't believe the audacity.

I've been hit on repeatedly by married men since I've been in my mid-20s. I've never reciprocated. I'm not interested in anyone who is already in a supposedly committed relationship with someone else, and a ring is pretty indicative of that.

At first, I wondered if I was giving off some sort of vibe. Over time, I've realised it's not anything I'm doing. It's just the vast majority of men are pigs and trying their luck with any woman who breathes.

It's partly why I'm single now. Having been hit on by so many seemingly happily married men, it's pretty difficult to believe any man wants to be faithful. I'd rather be on my own than with a man who is constantly looking for someone to cheat with.

I'm not even particularly pretty. Which makes it all the more depressing. If I was some kind of supermodel I might understand more why they try it on, but I'm pretty sure for most of them, their wives were more attractive. And I'm not particularly ugly either, so it's not as if I have low self-esteem and should be grateful for the attention. I'm just... average. Normal.

And apparently, always wanting to cheat is normal.

I know men and women are wired differently, but FFS.

When you're newly single, the men you knew before when you were hitched up suddenly get interested, - you're not sending signals other than 'newly single'.

I've learnt that lust and attraction are natural, though I've had an unbelievable time in my life and was ignorant about being dishonest, It will be a memory I'll never forget, I believe it was inevitable. Yet our attraction couldn't be tamed, it makes our connection something that words can't describe and no-one touch that time in our lives. To this day my friends are still together, the love they have created since their very first child is untouchable, I couldn't and wouldn't come between that ever. I have no children yet but I've learnt that seeing that love makes my so happy that they are happy and being open and honest is by far the better option. I think accepting your feelings is the first step it's the actions you take afterthat is the choice of making your own feelings a priority over the people you care about even if you are oblivious to even see beyond your own selfish impulses. In my case my wildest dreams came true, selfish as It was it's I've learnt that people and friends have a prefound impact in your life wether you like it or not and being honest with yourself and open about your feelings and intentions leads to the truth which will always prevail over the foggyness we attempt to create over our own selfish gain.
Either way you will learn to live with it.

Honestly I think pricks like that prey on vulnerability - they can smell it like a shark scenting blood.

This used to happen to me from the moment I turned 18, until I was married about a decade later. I got so fucking disgusted with all these married men in their 30s and 40s that when I was a broke student, I just used them for free drinks (usually something like a double Baileys!). It was the same, every time. I'd tell him I didn't want to hear anything from him unless he would say it if his wife was standing with us.

Some got really annoyed that I'd agreed to having a drink bought.

I had the same level of contempt for them that they had for their wives.

Women who've been through a bad break-up, or have left a crap relationship often 'bloom' withour realising it.
A new haircut is an obvious physical thing, as is a new look, and then mentally, having the 'burden' of being in the crapness suddenly removed, there's a massive change. Weight lifted from shoulders, spring in step, smilier
That's attractive to many married men.
Plus they think you'll be desperate for a shag and that they are the very person you want to be shagged by...
😀

This happens to me too, and has my whole life so I don't think it's a newly single woman thing. I've wondered if it's just how men are but it doesn't seem to have happened to my friends as much! I've often wondered if I give off somehow a vibe that says "cheat with me"!!

It’s them not you - been hit on by so many married or taken men it’s ridiculous!