I constantly attract married men (NOT a humblebrag - please read before judgement)

[Leavingbyebye]

Ok “constantly” probably an exaggeration. But frequently. I went through a divorce 12 months ago. No kids and as amicable as things can be. I am late 30s.

Since my early 20s there are probably no less than 12-15 married men who have not only made a move but have made persistent efforts to start an emotional affair. I have got in too deep with 2 in particular to the detriment of my own mental health but never physically cheated.

cards on the table - I am reasonably attractive but pretty ‘generic’. Nothing special. Have a bit of a laddish personality if I’m honest but also have a close circle of female friends who have stuck with me through my relationship breakdown and I like to think a strong moral compass in that I have not and would not cheat or knowingly be with a married man. Having gone through the pain of divorce and out the other side - I know it’s hard but not impossible - if these men are so unhappy as they claim to be why are they with their wives?

I suppose what I’m asking is…why am I specifically attracting married men over and over again? I definitely don’t come across as ‘easy’, have a good career, certainly not someone who needs rescuing or who is easily influenced. But still it happens. I’m so aware this might appear to be a humblebrag, honestly it’s the total opposite as I’d love to meet some decent SINGLE men (do they exist?!) although I’m in no hurry. Am I giving out a certain vibe? What I’m particularly sad about is I’ve lost a handful of good friendships due to this because things have got so uncomfortable.

any thoughts. Happy for honestly but please be kind, I’m not in the best mental place at the moment and this isn’t the only thing in my life I’m questioning

I'm in a hobby group with one MM. Went for a drink with them after an event. He was sitting next to me. I heard him suddenly say, "My wife..." and I got up and went to the loo. I suppose I was scared of hearing, "...doesn't understand me".
LOL probably too cautious these days but I'm sick of being regarded as problematic just for existing. Fuck 'em.

Don't worry. It's not just you and it is nothing you're doing @Leavingbyebye
There's a lot of it about.

It's everywhere. Married men are often very sleazy to divorced women. I remember it well. Disappeared once I was in a relationship. But quite the eye opener.

My darling, there is none more single than a married man. They are persistently predatory too.

The only thing you’re doing is being single. They think you must need rescuing/sex/companionship/be desperate etc. Many wives also see you as an immediate threat, so that causes its own problems. Especially if you’re attractive.

Also remember, the problem is not so much what you attract, but what you choose to entertain. Tell them to fuck off - don’t let them make you doubt yourself.

I think this is just a reflection that there are a lot more married men looking for "fun" than there are available single men.

It not you specifically, it's them.

My married male friends (the ones I want to spend time with) would have been saying "is amazing", "has applied for a great new job", "is a brilliant cook".

It's definitely true that there are a lot of sleazy married men, but I also know a lot who really admire and respect their wives.

If a married man cheats with a married woman, they have wronged another man. Either they're following some bizarre bro code and think that crosses a line, or they're afraid that the angry husband will hurt them physically.

They're sexists and possibly also cowards basically. They don't respect their wives, but do respect another man's "claim" or their physical strength.

I sympathise. I can tell you my own experience of attracting married men.

I'm in my 30s and I've been married many years and I was getting hit on by married men 90% of the time. The single men would back off as soon as they realise I'm married. Single men have the pick of the litter as I think the expression goes? Anyway, These married men sometimes even personally know my husband (kids school, kids clubs, friends, neighbours, work..)
I am no great beauty or anything special. I think married men just try it on with all women and if a woman is friendly it gets misconstrued as a green light.

I'm not laddish but come across as soft, sweet, smiley, caring and mothering. They feel more bold to make a move on me I think it's because they know I will reject them nicely and not make a fuss or a scene. Maybe they rightly assume I wouldn't want to get my husband into a fight? Or hurt their wife? Because i'm 'too nice'?

So now I save my soft motherly side to children and animal. I'm a lot warmer and friendly to women and girls where I show my gentle and caring side but with men I'm far more now reserved.

I also dress very conservatively, long loose clothes (leggings only with a tunic length top) and toned down the make up. In England, where it's normal to wear shorts and mini skirts, leggings with crop tops, next to them being covered up in long loose skirts, wide trousers with tunics.. I'm invisible. Men are all busy checking out and flirting with the ones in clothes that show their physical beauty. I know it's the effect of clothes because the next day when I dress in fitted clothes I get more male attention.

I know it shouldn't be like this but it honestly worked for me, this hugely reduced men hitting on me.

I think when married men hear a woman is newly divorced and not looking to have kids or get serious with anyone anytime soon they think she will be ideal for a bit of fun because she wont badger them to leave their wife and won't demand contact 24/7.

Why do they not just leave?

Drop in finances and downgrading housing
They don't want to end up raising children alone

It's comfortable to have a wife taking care of things at home, a housekeeper, a cleaner, a nanny, a cook, a laundry lady...why lose all this unless you have a new maid/courtesan in waiting?

Wife maybe provides a good network and connections socially or professionally, if he dumps her he might lose friendships

He knows the grass isn't greener, he will always like chasing and seducing a new woman so why disturb home life when this is just a pass time for him

So I think all you can do is adjust your image and behaviour if you don't like what you attract. It's not fair but it's reality unfortunately. Either learn not to care or change your image and attitude with men.

That is lovely and it must be true some of the time.

However, I do recall one who was praising his wife earlier in the evening, then coming onto me later in the evening. Luckily she flew at him, enraged, and I am still close friends with her.

True plus creeps don't pick on women with bud burly husbands or boyfriends. They are cowards underneath.

I think knowing they could if they wanted to is an ego boost for these men and gives them something to wank over .

I think alcohol can exacerbate these situations.

A lot of men, if they know you at all through work, social things etc, will start sighing sadly when asked how are you, randomly starting up conversations about how tough it is at home with the kids being so small etc etc. The best approach at this point is to avoid coddling (even polite sympathy) and just be all "oh wow must be so hard for your wife etc", if they complain about being tired from staying up with the baby when they have work say "well you should be staying up with the baby its the least you can do" etc. Sounds mean but I don't think married men should be looking for sympathy from other women in this way. Its dangerous ground because that's how people "accidentally" end up having affairs. Also having small children is tough on marriages and I don't think helping men feel hard done by helps them in the long run.

I am not saying you are doing that BTW (encouraging them to feel hard done by). Just that in general a hard line "scary feminist" approach is a really good deterrent to stopping married men trying it on.

There's loads of them, I was single till in my mid 30s and worked with a lot of blokes. Odd how none of their wives understood them.

You are newly single and they are trying it on.

I don’t think it is you - plenty of single women attract married men looking to have an affair. I’ve lost count of how many women tell me this. It has happened to me but I am not the type to entertain this sort of nonsense.

It's just the age you are, most men around your age are married or in long term relationships, and they're usually getting bored but they're not old enough to be divorced (or they're not the divorcing type).

That you also attracted them in your early 20s just meant you were around people that age/marital status then too. But to be honest, just being in your 20s is enough to attract the majority of men.

If you aim late twenties you'll have more options, but you'll need environments where you're likely to meet people that age, or go older and find divorced guys.

I think you got it yourself in your title 'I constantly attract married men..'
I am guessing it gets to a point where you cross a boundary in your interactions/conversations with them that give them the message you are up for an affair. The fact you say you got involved too much with two is evidence of this.
I would consider if you are enjoying the attention and, if yes, then why. What is it about your past that is triggering this.

I am guessing it gets to a point where you cross a boundary in your interactions/conversations with them that give them the message you are up for an affair. The fact you say you got involved too much with two is evidence of this.

Nah, it's just men. Fidelity only counts if they're treading on another man's "property".

This.

It's not you, it's them. Sleazy married men who target recently divorced women hoping to catch them when they're vulnerable.

I had them all - colleagues; friends; friends' husbands; my children's friends' dads; dad of a kid at my child's hobby...

It made me really wary of getting into a new relationship tbh

Nah, it's just men. Fidelity only counts if they're treading on another man's "property".

Also this.

I encountered two who only stopped pursuing me when I started seeing someone else.

This.

In my experience a lot of men will get away with as much as they can.

They are going to do this. As all the replies on this thread shows, you're not unique.
Your ex-dh was presumably doing it a lot if he had two known affairs and he's just one husband.

The mistake you have made is assume that it's personal and get involved with 2 of them yourself. I get married men are easy and disposable but it's not really fair as you know on everyone else involved.

If you stop responding to the advances, develop a strategy/comeback so they know you're not up for a shag/ego stroke and just get on with your life you'll be fine

It's kind of saddening reading this thread - although we're technically in more "enlightened" times, there's definitely still strong social currents making life unpleasant for solo women.

You're either unwanted by groups of women or ignored or creeped out by predatory men looking to take resources from you.

I've made peace and found safe spaces but it can be emotionally hard and lonely.

That said, I did laugh at the comments about the sighing and the trying to shoehorn "My wife doesn't understand me" in the most inappropriate ways and situations.

IT'S SO FUCKING TRUE.

I made a perfunctory "how was your holiday?" comment to one creepy married colleague, and I got the "rolls eyes, sigh" and the "oh, not good" comment.

As if he then wanted me to go "oh, why? You poor thing".

Bear in mind this is someone who is fairly difficult to work with, doesn't respond to basic work messages, certainly isn't my friend.

I did a @FurtivePedestrianand bolted (maybe one day Ill have the courage to say, I don't fucking care).

It's all about extracting resources and emotional labour from women.

I think its largely indicative of the sheer volume of married men who want to cheat. Unfortunately I think that if a married man seems to be going out of his way to befriend or pay attention to you, you have no choice but to start from a position of suspicion and be on your guard. Because even your usual social friendliness will be seen as encouragement, such is their arrogance and delusion. Your circumstances are likely to exacerbate it as no man on the scene makes you safer for them. If you go out and about a lot where there's lots of men, work, hobbies, certain music scenes that will increase your likelihood too. But rest assured, it's nothing you're doing wrong. It's them.