Husband cheated with men

[NimbleCat]

I (35F) have been married to my husband (35M) for 6 years. We have two young children together. I recently found out that he cheated on me when my eldest was a baby. He used gay hookup sites to meet men for sex (He always told me he was 100% straight, even acted homophobic if anything). He has admitted to three separate occasions the same month. He says he had always been curious about his sexuality and felt it was something he had to explore as he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He denies any further episodes since this time. I feel absolutely devastated and as if our whole marriage has been a lie. Is there any getting through this?

I am sending you a hand hold OP. Be kind to urself.

Get him to give you some space and get an std test booked in.
Do you want to get through this and how would you react if it had been female partners?

That's up to you.

Did he have safe sex?

Its cheating. And he's lied. And possibly put your health at risk. That's a lot to get over.

Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to?

You don't have to do anything yet, you can take time to decide how you feel. What a shock though. And what a bastard for doing it when you were so vulnerable.

I think it is fairly commonly accepted that people who act homophobic sometimes do so because of latency?

The fact he used websites too, to look for them, whilst he is married to you with children, actually shows he was actively prowling for other men whilst giving you the fake impression he is homophobic. I mean, who does that.

Have an std test too, please!

OP sending you a huge digital hug.

I think it is safe to say that you‘d better dump him. Do it at your own pace. I under it is hard, but please take your time. It is very important that he moved out and you keep contact only for kids matters.

So sorry. Wish I was there for you IRL.

*Please get tested now
*If you have joint savings, move your half to your personal account
*Change your email, phone and banking passwords
*Gather important information, pictures and papers in a small box or carry on suitcase and take to your mum, Best friend or work locker
*If you have joint debt/ or paying for eg his car on your credit card or loan in your name pay from the joint account ASAP

Get tested
Consider therapy for yourself to work out your emotions and what next steps. Focus on your needs and impact on you in this before trying to 'sort this out with him.

Really sorry op

I’m really sorry this is happening to you OP. Cheating is bad enough, but this must be an extra shock on top of that.

There’s a term ‘men who have sex with men’ that describes straight-presenting males (often in heterosexual relationships) who seek gay sex. So your partner isn’t alone in this, and you’re far from the first woman this has happened to. These men don’t see themselves as gay or bi. But in time some may end up coming out.

The advice to get an STI check up is good. Even if he tells you he had safe sex, I wouldn’t necessarily believe him.

Above all, be kind to yourself.

What a disgusting and homophobic comment.

No idea why it typed ABSM. It is supposed to say 'anal'

I'm sorry OP. This is a lot, there's so much for you to unravel here, you will get through it even if it doesn't feel that's possible right now. One step at a time.

OP, I'm so sorry. Sending you a huge hug 💐My DP of 14 years ended things because he was gay. It's the sense of betrayal and the feeling that you've shared a bed and a life with someone you thought you knew, but didn't. Do you have anyone you can confide in and talk things through with? This organisation was very helpful for me: https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/

Your husband is bisexual at the least.

I'm so sorry this must feel awful.

Hi OP
I went through the same thing (several years ago now) and I know that typically if a person has been caught cheating, they will nearly always seek to minimise it e.g 'it was just once'.

I got the 'I've been curious since I was a teenager' script with a bolt on of 'but it's now out of my system'. That turned out to be lies and he actually had a rather dark secret life on the side. For me, it wasn't about the sexuality but about the lies and the great lengths he went to, to try and cover up everything else he was doing. The things he told me about and 'swore on his life' about were sadly just a fragment of what was really going on.

Only you can decide what is right for you but as PPs have suggested, it's wise to get STD checked and maybe also consider personal counselling so you can build up the emotional strength to decide your next steps.

Very sorry you're going through this but I can assure you, there is most definitely a good life to be had away from a partner who cheats on you.

No, sorry but it's best you separate and then divorce sooner or later.

You'll only get hurt even worse if you stay with a gay/bisexual man like this who falls into the "MSM" group (men who have sex with men but identify themselves as heterosexual ....which is obviously a delusion).

You’re husband is a liar and a cheat and you should get tested.

Personally if my husband compromised my health by sleeping with someone else (couldn’t care less what sex they were) that would be it for me.

It sounds like he's gay but suppressing his true feelings while occasionally acting on them.

Personally, I couldn't live with this and accept it.

Regardless of whether it’s with a man or a woman, he’s lied and cheated. Why would you want to stay with someone who’s treated you with such contempt?

I love the ‘explore sexuality’ excuse. I’ve never totally ruled out having a relationship with a woman but I’ve never felt the need to trawl hook up sites for one whilst in a committed relationship.

my gay bestie says I’d be horrified at the amount of ‘married with kids’ men that are looking for hook ups on gay dating sites.

At the end of the day cheating and lying is cheating and lying whoever it is with. Could you cope with forgiving him and then it happening again? Hugs OP, being cheated on is really shit.

The fact that he has cheated with a man is totally relevant IMO. He wants the set up of a home, and wife doing things for him, security, DC and everything else this brings, but behind the act, he is attracted to men. It is his dirty secret.

Don't let yourself be used any more. He is in breach of contract, and it is now null and void, and he should leave. Let all his family know what he has done.

How have you suddenly found this out after several years? If you forgive him then are you giving him the ok to do it again?