Husband cheated with men

[NimbleCat]

I (35F) have been married to my husband (35M) for 6 years. We have two young children together. I recently found out that he cheated on me when my eldest was a baby. He used gay hookup sites to meet men for sex (He always told me he was 100% straight, even acted homophobic if anything). He has admitted to three separate occasions the same month. He says he had always been curious about his sexuality and felt it was something he had to explore as he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He denies any further episodes since this time. I feel absolutely devastated and as if our whole marriage has been a lie. Is there any getting through this?

Your husband's gay.

He's a serial cheat.

He's lied and hid the truth about himself and you.

He actively seeks out multiple opportunities for sex with men.

He's putting your health in danger.

He's using you as the comfortable domestic set up, the smokescreen to hide behind - while he does exactly what he wants. He truly has it all. Everything he could possibly want while playing happy families as a front.

Question is, do you? Are you happy with that? It won't change.

Agreed

OP, speak to your parents, helf the burden and cheating is cheating and its the deciet and potentially puts you are risk of STD. Only you can decide

Good luck

Oh, he's done it more than that, and since. They get addicted to it, utterly. You'll never, ever be able to know exactly who and where he is ever again. Hope you get an STI check, sorry op.

So sorry you are going through this but unfortunately there is one thing you can be hundred percent sure of, and that is he’ll do it again. I don’t believe there is any way he is going to spend the next few decades not going down the road of cheating with men again.

The best thing you can do is get out now so this will all become a chapter in your life and not the whole book. So sorry 💐

And I would put money on what he told her was the absolute least of it.

I've been in your place OP although my kids were older. Your marriage is a sham I'm afraid and you need to think about setting up your own home away from your gay husband. I wish you lots of luck and future happiness.

No going back from that- just leave and spare yourself the heartache of flogging a dead horse.

Well it sounds like he is gay but also a lying cheat. Good luck to you but they would be a LTB from me.

Thank you for sharing this, it puts quite a spotlight on OPs situation IMO.

Her partner is coming across as a horrible and deceitful person - the homophobia would have been enough for me, but then there are layers of intentionality and lies. The timing says everything - while OP had their attention, where HIS should have been, on their first baby.

Agree with OP going for tests - and getting support for herself.

I would suggest couples therapy, but he’s not worth further investment IMO.

Your relationship is totally different and the honesty, love and respect as you worked through this are palpable.

So sorry OP. I think this is actually a very common thing among married men - I've had 2 friends now tell me their partners have cheated with men (whilst presenting to all as straight). One left and one stayed but has huge trust issues that have completely eroded their relationship and her MH. Both were hooking up with guys in loos, one even in a restaurant while their family was eating a celebratory meal. Public loos apparently are sometimes known in certain areas and they have codes and things to signal to each other. One of them said sometimes a look would pass between them and someone standing near a public loo and they just knew that meant a hook up, so he'd say he would meet her in the shop. I honestly think a lot of married men do this and it's completely off radar for most women.

Please as everyone else says, get STD checked as many are more prevalent in gay sex so you up your risk. I think the site I was coming on to mention has been linked to already but I wanted to also say the above as I don't think this is talked about as frequently as it should be. He is in denial and you cannot ever blame yourself for not knowing, as he can't even admit that he is bi himself.

I think the fact he did it more than once would concern me that he is gay. I think there may be curiosity once but to keep doing it is another thing. The fact he came across homophobic is a worrying sign. I would get some therapy and ask him as well. He needs to give you space. My concern would be he ends the marriage in years to come because he is gay. Plus he still cheated whatever his reasons.

@NimbleCat How have you suddenly found out about this now?
Did he decide to tell you? If so, why?
If it happened as he said, and it stopped, and he's managed to hide it for years then why tell you now?

I suspect there's more going on than he is currently sharing with you.

Before you decide what to do, you need the whole truth.

You don't need the whole truth, even if it were available (ie not from your husband) to decide what is best for you and your DC.

Don't sacrifice yourself. It isn't homophobic to expect your husband to be truthful and faithful. React in the same way you would react if your DH had hooked up for casual sex with women whilst you were at home looking after your baby.

His repressed sexuality is not your concern. His lying and cheating is and you decide whether he is a good husband and father.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm another one with a gay ex-husband. We'd been together 19 years when he left me to come out.

For what it's worth, I'm much happier now (several years on).

I came to suggest Straight Partners Anonymous but see that @pugsinblankets beat me to it!

You're not alone, and sometimes just knowing that is the first step to moving on.

Regardless of his sexuality, he cheated and lied. When you had a young baby. Do you really think you have any kind of future with someone who treated you like that?

Other resources you mind finding helpful are 'Our Path' in the USA (loads of podcasts) and 'Not My Closet' (in Australia).

If you can, confide in someone in real life and get some counselling. And look after yourself.

I don’t think it’s homophobic to say that straight men and women don’t tend to do this type of hook up. If he is gay (more than bi) and has already had casual hook ups you wouldn’t even be able to feel relaxed in what would normally be a non sexual scenario (eg a restaurant). This isn’t something you would be worrying about if he’d cheated with a woman (as bad as that is). I don’t care what anyone says, cheating with a man is worse and far more complicated.

I don't think it matters whether or not someone is a straight cheat, a gay cheat or a bisexual cheat. A cheat is a cheat and you deserve better.

Plenty of bisexual people have monogamous relationship. The false majority of people don't stop being attracted to others just because they are in a relationship either - they just have enough respect for the person they are with not yo act on it.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I'm sure the fact you've always known him to be straight is another layer of WTF but it doesn't change much. He's a cheat and can't be trusted regardless of who he cheated with or why.

How did you find out and why did he stop hooking up?

Bless you sending hugs ...cheating is cheating regardless....I would not stay for that one fact that he cheated you deserve better don't look back x

You need to get him to leave and please talk to a friend in real life also.
He has cheated and has probably not told you the half of it so the trust is gone. Also he lied about his sexuality and you can never trust him again. Get checked out also as others have said.
You can move on from this and start the healing but if you stay it will destroy you as you cannot believe a word he says and everytime he leaves the house you will be thinking where is he going. Life will be good again and you will be happy again once you take the first steps and don't carry his issues with you as you did nothing wrong. Once a cheat always a cheat.

Your message seems very calm as if you've known for a while and decided to post.
I think you need to sit down with your husband and have a very good chat about his experimentation period. Ask him what you are concerned about, not us.

It does matter if he's gay because if he's gay then the whole relationship was a lie, along with the cheating.

That's a separate betrayal to cheating and something that people find incredibly traumatic so it shouldn't be dismissed.

Someone could find out that their husband was gay even if the husband never cheated and could still feel very betrayed and suffer from betrayal trauma so it does matter.

sometimes it's good to get other ppls opinions before "that chat" .....especially from ppl who you don't know and don't know you

Thanks for the essay, but the person I was replying to said (I'm paraphrasing because what she actually said made no sense), "Homosexuals are more promiscuous." That is a homophobic statement.

Homosexuals are often more promiscuous is true. Have you ever read 'And the band played on' by Randy Shilts? It's a well researched book about the beginning of the AIDS epidemic and the homosexual scene in U.S. at the time. The author was gay himself and had much experience of the gay scene. Do you think it's wrong to make a homophobic statement regardless of whether it's true or not or should we close our eyes and just pretend idealism is the same as realism?

1. I object to any statement starting, "Homosexuals are..." unless the end of that sentence is, "... not a homogenous group where every member behaves the same."

2. The word 'promiscuous' is hugely value-laden.

The fact that you think a homophobic statement can ever be a true one is deeply concerning.

The fact that you think a homophobic statement can ever be a true one is deeply concerning.
Of course one can say that certain behaviours in any particular grouping are prevalent. That is fact in many cases, proven by data. Nothing wrong in telling the truth is there? Facts can be positive or negative. If you look again at my original post, I said 'Homosexuals are often more promiscuous is true.' I used to work at an AIDS charity in Europe in the early stages of the AIDS epidemic (on the phones) and got much information of the lifestyle at that time. This is of course not to say that all gay men (and it was overwhelmingly men who called or worked at the charitable organisation) were promiscuous. There was one other gay woman and me (not gay) who worked there.