Husband cheated with men

[NimbleCat]

I (35F) have been married to my husband (35M) for 6 years. We have two young children together. I recently found out that he cheated on me when my eldest was a baby. He used gay hookup sites to meet men for sex (He always told me he was 100% straight, even acted homophobic if anything). He has admitted to three separate occasions the same month. He says he had always been curious about his sexuality and felt it was something he had to explore as he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He denies any further episodes since this time. I feel absolutely devastated and as if our whole marriage has been a lie. Is there any getting through this?

I used to have to regularly drive past an isolated spot which was well known for gay meet ups in the woods or whatever the technical term for that is, and would regularly see blokes hopping over the fence and into the trees as I passed. The amount of family cars and six seaters I'd see parked up with baby seats in the back would blow my mind. I would say that it's really unlikely that the three incidents you have found out about were isolated, and you need to concentrate on looking after yourself through this, as much as possible.

Focus on what you want now, it's ok to be selfish, don't get dragged into helping him with his shame. He should feel guilty, and be sorry, but shame just makes it more about him, and you've got enough to deal with emotionally without taking on his burden. Get some real life support from a weekly therapist to help you move through this next bit and beyond. Any infidelity can turn your world upside down, and the fact that it's not with another woman does add another layer of confusion for you to deal with. Look after yourself and get support around you.

He's cheated. Being a closeted bisexual isn't an excuse for breaking his marriage vows. He's put your health in danger, especially if he's given or received anal sex; this would be true regardless of the sex of the affair partner. He's lied to you by making a promise to you and then not keeping it.

His internalised biphobia, which has caused him to deny being bisexual, isn't an excuse for being unfaithful. Don't believe him if he claims that you are biphobic (or homophobic, because bisexual erasure means that bisexual people get called gay), that would be what we call "DARVO". It's not biphobic to expect marital fidelity and it's not biphobic to leave a cheat.

In solidarity, a bisexual woman.

Your last sentence was totally unnecessary, and is inexcusably homophobic.

Cheating is cheating - get yourself an STD check & put boundrys in place before you 'forgive' him.

Someone's sexuality doesn't just go away because they've 'got it out of their system'. If you are considering staying and working through this as a couple then know that he will always have sexual interest in men to some degree.

It doesn't mean he has to act on it but, given he's shown that he's capable of actively seeking out experiences behind your back, that is probably always going to be on your mind. Because there is such an active hookup culture amongst men seeking sex with men, it's always going to be available to him and relatively easy to hide. It would take a lot of work to rebuild trust in someone given those particular circumstances.

If you want to try and rebuild then I think you have to focus on the fact he lied and cheated rather than the fact it was with men. If you shame him for being bisexual / if that part of him is repulsive to you he's only going to hide it from you even more and you're just kicking the can down the road for a few years.

I think a lot of women would find this too much to get over and no one would blame you for leaving.

Yes @TasteOfHerCherryChapstick is absolutely right.

Cheating is cheating. The fact that it is with men is relevant to the fact that your DH has been able to easily get no strings sex with someone he has met on the internet without paying for it and could very easily do it again if he wanted to.

Otherwise, it's not about his sexuality - bisexual or homosexual people are not inherently likely to cheat on their partners. Your DH has made an active choice to act on it.

LTB. Cheating is cheating

I disagree that it’s the same as heterosexual cheating (or that it would be the same for heterosexual cheating if it was a same sex couple). It’s likely everything their relationship was built on - attraction, lust, romance, desire for one another - was either a lie or exaggerated on his part. It’s not that the relationship was sincere to a point then he cheated, he’s likely ALWAYS been lying to her. This is worse, to me.

There’s no going back OP, he’s very likely gay and also a cheat. He’s used you as a convenient person to have his babies and cook his meals, while indulging his fantasies with men (and I bet he’s been doing this all along, on and off). He has nothing but contempt for you and is now giving you a laughable script so you’ll continue to look after his kids and cook his meals while he continues to have sex with men.

Ditch him, get divorced, tell your families the truth, and see if you can book some therapy as this must be a huge shock that will take years to come to terms with. It happened to a close relative of mine and the shock triggered a chronic illness. It took her about 5 years to feel ok again.

You don't deserve someone who disrespects you by cheating. Cheating is not just a physical betrayal but a cruel form of psychological betrayal as well! Do not believe him when he tells you he won't do it again, he has already shown that he is willing to deceive and hurt you in the worst way possible. Trust your intuition and prioritise yourself over over trying to salvage a relationship built on his lies and deceit. He did this. I would get an STI check and kick him to the curb.

Your whole marriage has been a lie because he pretended to be something that he knew full well he wasn't. He's a liar and a cheat and you can't trust a word that comes out his mouth. Why would you want to get through this? So you can always be wondering where he's going? Who he's phoning? Who he's fantasising about when he's having sex with you?
He'll have admitted the least he thinks he can can away with admitting, I expect it's the tip of the iceberg. You need to get an STD test and leave his cheating ass.

Men, regardless of sexual orientation, tend to exhibit higher levels of promiscuity and desire for casual sex compared to women. So straight, bisexual and gay men all display this pattern, while straight, bisexual and lesbian women tend to be more selective in their romantic pursuits.

Straight women often reject advances from straight men. This selectiveness among women limits the unrestricted access straight men have to sexual encounters with women. On the other hand, gay and bisexual men face fewer barriers in finding compatible partners.

This doesn't necessarily mean that gay men are more into casual sex than straight men but rather that they encounter fewer obstacles in pursuing their desired partners. There's quite a bit of research to show that homosexuality is linked to a greater number of sexual partners for men but not for lesbian women for example.

He says he had always been curious about his sexuality and felt it was something he had to explore as he couldn’t stop thinking about it

So when you were looking after a baby he decided that he just had to explore his sexuality and felt entitled to go off and cheat on you.

He denies any further episodes since this time.
How did you find out about the ones he admitted to?

I couldn't forgive this.
He cheated which I would never be able to get past anyway.
On top of that I would always worry that he was secretly gay.
Or if he is bisexual I would worry that he'd feel entitled to go and sleep with men too whenever he "couldn't stop thinking about it" again.

It would be over for me 100%.

Sorry to hear that. It does sound devastating.

Time to line up the ducks and dump the bastard.

Good luck.

He couldn’t stop thinking about sex with men.

I think you have your answer. Get out now! Do not be a doormat for this lying, cheating scumbag. Show your children that it is never okay to accept this kind of betrayal in a relationship. Leave and never look back. You deserve better than this!

For me, there is absolutely no way back from this.

After 'exploring his sexuality,' did he come to any conclusions, OP?

Thanks for the essay, but the person I was replying to said (I'm paraphrasing because what she actually said made no sense), "Homosexuals are more promiscuous." That is a homophobic statement.

Noticing patterns is not discriminatory, but rather an acknowledgment of the differences in sexual behaviour among different groups. Men are more promiscuous, gay and bi men get to act on that promiscuity more often than straight men would like to.

I am really sorry. This is very upsetting and wrong.

I would be concerned that as well as lying to you and cheating, he is also lying to himself and doesn't really know who he is. That's going to make things hard moving forward.

Only you really know whether you think he is in a fit state to try to repair the marriage.

It's true that men who have sex with men have more casual sex, but only because gay and bi men have more opportunity for casual sex than straight men do because of how women (entirely reasonably) tend not to want casual sex, so don't provide that opportunity for straight men. It's not because gay and bi men are somehow wired to want more sex than straight men; asserting that would be homo- and biphobic.

@Mumtime2 erred in failing to specify that she was talking about men. Her comment, at face value, is lesbophobic and biphobic towards bisexual women§.

§ We need a word for hostility towards bisexual women. Bimisogyny? Gynaebiphobia?

How did you find out ? If it was during a frank and open discussion - I 'might 'possibly, stretch credibility and want to believe that this 'exploration' was short lived and in the past. If you discovered this any other way then it is likely it is not in the past and is on going.
Either way he lied by omission and was unfaithful irrespective of if it was with a woman and a man.

You must feel absolutely blind sided by this. Aside from a healh check - you don't need to 'do' anything at the moment - just take some time to try and process things.

If he had these doubts about his sexuality he shouldn't have got married to you. He certainly shouldn't have had dc. He is a cheat and a liar and I'd have lost all respect for him. I'd dump any DH who cheated on me. I did dump my first DH because he on me and must have lied to me too about where he was. Get a STI test because many gay men don't use condoms. Also in this case the fact he felt he needed to try gay sex on at least 3 occasions showed he must have enjoyed it to try it more than once.

This is very similar to what happened to me.

We have been separated for 3 years. Honestly I could just about get past the man part as I knew he was bisexual (appreciate this will not be the same for you), it was the cheating part I couldn't get over. The trust was completely gone. My ex was also in massive denial about how strongly he felt the draw to his sexuality, he still is.

I don't really have any good advice other than to say it does get easier in time. We are amicable and I felt better for ending it. It's really hard at first but truly in time things got easier. I don't know how anyone comes back from cheating.

Sending you a hug and a handhold OP 💐 x

Woah…how terrible. You must be devastated. I couldn’t live with this person any longer. Cheating is cheating, see you later.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

My partner of many years told me several years into our relationship that he was curious about his sexuality. I was surprised, but in no way did he run off to cheat with men behind my back.

We watched some ‘fun’ videos together, had an experience - together - and that was it. It seemed more of a phase honestly. And as someone who had a strong interest in women for a few years, that petered out eventually, maybe it was just that.

It’s okay to be curious about your sexuality. I didn’t love my partner any less - though I’m very open-minded. But it’s better to talk about it with your partner, and not to go off moonlight gallivanting with men behind your back and putting your health at risk.

Please do get that STI check.