Husband cheated with men

[NimbleCat]

I (35F) have been married to my husband (35M) for 6 years. We have two young children together. I recently found out that he cheated on me when my eldest was a baby. He used gay hookup sites to meet men for sex (He always told me he was 100% straight, even acted homophobic if anything). He has admitted to three separate occasions the same month. He says he had always been curious about his sexuality and felt it was something he had to explore as he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He denies any further episodes since this time. I feel absolutely devastated and as if our whole marriage has been a lie. Is there any getting through this?

So many things aren't either / or but can exist at the same time...

Infidelity means he prioritised his wants over you/ your family (on several occasions). It doesn't mean your whole relationship and feelings for each other were a lie. It is possible to love and want to remain in a relationship with someone while sometimes doing a really shitty thing because you're sometimes a very selfish shitty person. It is also possible to believe you are straight (or gay or bi) and for that to change.

Having sexual attraction to other people (of either sex) doesn't mean you feel less attraction for your partner. It's not like there's a finite amount of attraction and being a little into men makes you any less attracted to women (or vice versa).

None of that excuses his actions though.

@TasteOfHerCherryChapstick
Having sexual attraction to other people (of either sex) doesn't mean you feel less attraction for your partner. It's not like there's a finite amount of attraction and being a little into men makes you any less attracted to women (or vice versa).

Some bisexual people report 'bi-cycling' though where there are times where they are a lot more into men or women or sometimes exclusively only into men or women, which means that they do stop being attracted to their partner sometimes.

@kkloo true, but it's not always the case.

Some PP had implied that his attraction to men meant his attraction to OP was all a lie / a cover because he's really gay.

It isn't automatically an either/or. They shouldn't assume that because he's also attracted to men that he isn't attracted to women as much. Both things can be true at the same time.

@TasteOfHerCherryChapstick
I know, that's why I said 'some'.

When people are cheated on then many will naturally assume that their whole relationship was a lie. So it's only natural that someone in the OPs position will feel the same, and she should be allowed to feel those feelings and go down that route of thinking, and many posters are likely to hold the same opinion. It's not exclusive to betrayals like this where men sleep with other men, people say the same about affairs with OW, or if they find out their partner had secret addictions etc.

It seems fairly obvious that a huge chunk of their relationship was in fact a lie also, she doesn't say how long they are together but they're 6 years married.
Always acted homophobic but then admitted he was always curious about his sexuality.
Cheated for the first time that she knows of when the eldest was a baby, so presumably he had been thinking about it for a long time before that before he went and did it, unless he went out and cheated shortly after he got the urges.
Then he cheated.
Then he had another baby with the OP.
And there's possibly been sex with more men in between or maybe even relationships.
It's impossible for her to know.

I disagree. Lumping all gay men together is lazy stereotyping- they are not a homogenous group.

And I would argue that 'promiscuous' is a word absolutely laden with value-judgement.

I hope you are OK OP.
I think one of the hardest aspects of this is that you've only found out now that you have two young children to care for, a time when mothers often have to go part-time and rely more on their partners. So you weren't given the choice. It is so dishonest. I hope you can get some real life support to help you work through how you want to handle this.

OP - sorry for the derail there - I got a little carried away.

I am so sorry this happened.

It adds so many layers to a betrayal.

I hope you find peace.

Someone up thread suggested you take your time - I second that. Move slowly. think things through. Simply because you want the best outcome for you and the children and for that one needs a cool, calm, head.

There is no way through this. Your husband is bisexual and having hook ups with gay/bi men. He is cheating on you and even if you could convince yourself it was historical and he promises never to do it again, these kind of hook ups are so easy to arrange. Late night, in a park, in a toilet, in someone’s flat, zero wining and dining, the limo hood of it happening again is 100%.

How did you find out?

My concern would be that he’s giving you a small part of the story and there’s likely a lot more.

I wouldn't care who he slept with
The fact is he cheated and that would be the end for me.
I hope you are ok.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You need to speak to family/friends if possible and get some support.

I know I couldn’t get past it. The fact you found out and he didn’t respect you enough to tell you he had done it at the time would be it for me. I’d be a wreck worried about what he was doing and who he was talking to on social media etc.

try to focus on what you want but I agree with others, you need to get some advice around finances etc.

I am pretty much the same age as you. In my teens I would occasionally look at gay porn. It excited me but it wasn’t a huge thing in my life. By my mid 20s it wore on me enough to have an experience. I’ve had 3 or 4 more experiences since then. Wife knows of it. She is okay with it. She has gay fantasies of her own. I’ll just say that it doesn’t go away.. or at least it hasn’t for me.

ZOMBIE THREAD

Go and get tested for every STD there is.

I would also see a solicitor if I were you.

THIS!

Std test at once. I am so sorry op it must be such a shock. Give yourself grace to figure out your next move. Sending a hand hold.

A 6 week old thread is not a zombie!

Yes it is @TroysMammy plus the op hasn't returned.

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️ ALERT 🚨 😜

That's convenient. Does this tend to coincide with being unfaithful to their partner (of whatever sex)?

I was going to say this too. MSM is a recognised thing in medicine, men who have sex with men but would never dream of calling themselves gay. They just like having sex with men!

I know, weird

Good luck and I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

Your husband has been extremely selfish using you and your kids to hide behind.

I am going to suggest that you get yourself to a sexual health clinic for a screening as soon as possible. I used to work in a clinic and this is one of the biggest sources of unwanted “surprises” found by straight, married women who have never cheated.

The physical and emotional fallout is immense. You should also consider counselling and legal advice to ensure that you and the kids have the best protection should you decide to leave or to rearrange the parameters of your marriage. Just remember that your husband has been devious using you as a smokescreen to cover up something he didn’t want to admit to or didn’t want others to know. You were not a willing participant and he was very, very sly working to make sure that you didn’t find out for this long. This has no reflection upon you as a woman, a wife, a mother, a friend, a partner or a sexual being. All of these very important facets of your identity were all shown to be not remotely important to him when he was cheating. Please don’t allow his behaviour to become something that causes you to question yourself.

The fact that he thinks his cheating is acceptable because his sexuality is something he'd always been curious about is a huge issue here. If he had told you he'd experimented with men before you met that is a very different story. He made a commitment to you in getting married and he has cheated on you, I am so sorry you are dealing with this.