Called the police

[Userccjlnhibibljn8]

I finally snapped and called the police this evening, and my husband has been arrested. He was drunk and angry and hit me. It’s been escalating for months. In between feeling heartbroken what do I do next. Someone will be calling me in the morning to discuss next steps, and I assume if I want to take things further. We are married so what do I do? I put most money into the house, and I don’t want to have to be the one who leaves. Has anyone else been here and have advice. My heart can’t quite believe I have done this, but my head says I need to be safe and nothing short of a miracle can take us back to a good place.

Hi OP.
I don't think you're being self-indulgent.
You've been through a lot, and as your parents are so elderly, of course you're going to regret having moved so far away from them.

Especially as your husband was the instigator in the move.

It's natural to have regrets about missing out on your weekends, and having the upheaval of the dogs as well.

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed at the moment, and I hope you'll start to feel emotionally better soon.

It’s not self indulgent to recognise your limitations and the struggle that comes with it.

Could you make it monthly, and add an extra phone call or two?

in the longer term would you want, or be able, to move back?

@pickledandpuzzled @TheShellBeach , Thank you both for sticking with me and responding. I'm on a real roller coaster about where I want to live. With respect to my parents I am never going to want to go that close to where they are now (City vs countryside). I've become a proper country mouse after having spend 40+ years of my life in London! And to be honest the logistics are much the same whether I am an hour or 4 away, it is just the time to respond that is a bit different. My dream is that I persuade them that coming to a care home near me is the best answer - but they are never going to agree to that. But, I'm feeling better today, I had a good session with my therapist, and in the end I just have to be sure I have enough options to sort the dogs for when a crisis happens, and I think I do now. And the truth is my husband would have just been another complication at that point.
I know I keep saying it, but it is so helpful to me to put into writing what I am feeling and thinking in front of witnesses. Thank you 🐾

Well done! It’s really good that you know what you like and what you want to do. It’s so important to organise your life around yourself, not other people. And surprisingly hard to achieve!

So my weekend update. I heard that my husband fell down the stairs at a friend’s house and is now in hospital with significant injuries. There was an empty bottle of vodka in his room (after several week’s sobriety). I’m not surprised, I‘m deeply sad for him, but I have no need to rush to his bedside. I’m sitting in the calm of my house, listening to music, drinking coffee knowing I’m in the right place. ☕️

Oh dear - just goes to show you made the right decision and your journey will get easier as it becomes your 'normal'.
Enjoy your coffee

Nothing useful to add, except that I am thinking about you, and hoping for a better future.

Oh OP. That's very sad, but his addiction to alcohol is clearly extreme and enduring.
You're doing so well, not rushing to his bedside.
He isn't your responsibility and hopefully he isn't expecting you to drop everything and go to him.

Anyway, if he is, he'll be disappointed.

Well done.

I’m sorry to hear that update - but good for you for distancing yourself and putting your own needs first.

Keep focussed on the calm and peaceful life you deserve OP.

You can also try to imagine how he would have abused you physically and verbally while the level of vodka in the bottle decreased.

And then be glad it didn't actually happen.

You've avoided a horrible event this time.

Took me two attempts to leave, their attempts of getting you to take pity and have them back go on for a while sadly.
I left an abusive man in 2005, didn't get counselling then as I just had to put my head down and raise my children on my own. I've only recently had six weeks of counselling and that highlighted the fact that I still to this day use language that shows I still question as to whether the abuse I suffered was something I deserved.

Keep up with the counselling if you can afford to is what I want to say, it takes a long while to process and eradicate 15 years plus of having your mind played with.
Sending hugs, stay strong, you are doing amazingly.

I've just read your posts and what comes over is how exhausted you must be, physically and emotionally. I've been there, with an abusive ex and I now look back and am amazed at what I got through.

I can also relate to the complex feelings as love for someone doesn't just disappear but over time is does fade. I found it useful to have a list of his abusive behaviours on my phone and it helped to keep reality in my mind.

On reflection I didn't start recovery until all the pracalities were over - for you that's the police action and divorce (with financial status clarified)

It is sad that he is still on a path of destruction but nothing you can do will fix him. His problems run very deep and are beyond your help or love.

Keep posting as your journey will help others who might also be in similar situations.

What a good reminder and reinforcement of the value of your choice.

Well done, once again.

Thank you everyone for your words. Tha fact that strangers can be so supportive brought me to tears. It means so much to me. Xxx

Back at the time when I left, I drew my strength from people I didn't know on a forum, not this one though. Because I'd left before and then returned, the admitting I had made a huge mistake returning was hard to do with friends and family, so I talked it through with strangers and had amazing support.
I've met a lot of them in real life now too.

Feeling proud with myself mostly. This weekend held significant memories of a good time in our relationship, so I decided to have a party, and invited old and new friends. We had a lovely time, and although there were several triggers I held it together, at least in public. I also took advantage of having a very old friend with me to sit down and tackle the divorce application (it’s very simple, but I was anxious about facing it). That is all filled out and just needs the money paying.

I am feeling still, so sad, I think I said further up thread that I almost wished I was less resolute….. I can’t quite explain the deep desire I have for what I hoped it would all be, along with the certain knowledge that I have to stay strong, and the anxiety I still have for him.
i have times when this is all not at the front of my mind, and I start to make plans for the house and garden or what I might do, then it comes back to me, and I feel guilty for planning when I have all this shit to sort out.
Pressing the divorce button seems such a major step to take and I am scared to do it. 🌿

Planning is good. You planned well for this weekend and it was a good choice.

Planning for the future is productive use of time- it helps with decision making in the present.

What crap do you have to sort out in the present, apart from pressing the button on the divorce?

All that sadness and regret about what should have been is perfectly valid grief. It's ok to notice it, accept it, and then face today and tomorrow which are not what you had hoped for. They aren't what you hoped for BUT they are better than what was available when he was drunk and hitting you. It's not fair that the future you planned first has gone. But it has. So you are shaping a new one.

@AGlinnerOfHope you are right! I spent sometime recently thinking about when we were truly happy and carefree, (and I did not have an undercurrent of anxiety about his drinking or behaviour) and I hit a time about 7 years ago. After that there were cycles and cycles of ups and downs. That is a long time. And the downs became longer and deeper. I have to remember that. That is a long time to be on edge and trying to work out what to do to make him happy, often at the cost of my wishes. I certainly pushed back during that time, but it was not a healthy relationship, and those times of pushing back created anger and unhappiness.

Thank you 🌹

Goodness, the ups and downs!

I had no idea how frightening it all was, until we split up. Those sudden explosions of anger and violence, seemingly coming from nowhere. Terrifying.

I'd been living on a knife edge for ten years, but I didn't realise it until I left him.

It was no way to live. Just awful.

Is your STBXH out of hospital yet? I'm glad you had a party and were able to enjoy it.

Sending you a massive hug. I've been here from the beginning but with different names.
As always you're doing so well and I'm in awe of how you've handled all of this.
The divorce is such a huge step but once it's all over and done with, I promise you'll feel relief!

Yes he is out of hospital, although I won’t meant to know that (his friend very kindly let me know). I got a phone call from some support service because I am still obviously listed somewhere as next of kin. That was a shock. It is all such an adjustment and at times I feel very lost. I think I am feeling more, as after 4 days of having people around in my house it is quiet.

Thank you, I know, It is once again me taking control, a bit like the court orders. And I have to stop letting the thoughts about how he is entering my mind (which is easier said than done.). X

Not meant to know - but he gave your details to the organisation that contacted you? He wasn't getting support from them before his major abusive explosions. And his friend just happened to mention it as well? Hmmmm. Somebody's enlisting flying monkeys to make you worried (and probably ruin your party if he got wind of it).

Not your problem. Not your problem. Nothing to do with you. What he's done to himself this time is not your concern.

@NeverDropYourMooncup Don’t worry, I don’t think he is my problem now, and I did not let it spoil my party. There is someone on another site I spend time on who says ‘assume good intentions’. I find it hard to not do so and imagine others don’t too. 🌷That is who I am, but I will look after myself now.