Not a joke, or is it

[Nonfunny]

I am a regular poster, very long term, mostly on FWR but also here and there. NC for this.

My DH I have long considered as one of the good ones. He doesn't like the term feminist but he has been a SAHD for years, completely supportive of my career, an excellent father, also a TERF in terms of gender issues, and generally seemed all round reasonable. He has two adult daughters which are high achieving scientists of whom we are both very proud.

Tonight he, out if the blue, told me a "joke" he saw on Facebook, which went like this (sorry for the graphic language). What do you call a woman with a tight cunt? Well, you wouldn't know.

I was at first stunned and then blew up big time. And then, I am rather ashamed to admit, I became upset and tearful. (I am a post menopausal woman who is not particularly secure about her body). He just could not see why I was making "a fuss" about a "joke". He became quite verbally abusive, and has gone to sleep in the spare room, declaring me a humourless bitch.

Am I over reacting?

It was a joke and it wouldn’t bother me but im not you

This Doesn’t make it ok but I always say don’t take offence where none was intended and ask yourself if there was any malice involved?

Yes I suspect I have overreacted because of my own issues.

Sounds like he thought you would find it a joke but you didn’t and got upset instead .
I wouldn’t read anymore into it than that

What did you blowing up big time entail?

Not the point but I don't get the joke.

It’s a shit joke.
But it’s your prerogative to feel the way you feel.
He’s also allowed to identify it as a joke and his feelings are also valid.

Getting angry and telling him that women don't appreciate "jokes" about their bodies. He then got more angry with me though.

I think I am probably in the wrong here.

Would he have taken a joke about him having a tiny dick in good humour?

Yeah, I don’t get the joke either.

I mean it's not a funny joke but I think you massively overreacted.

He became quite verbally abusive, and has gone to sleep in the spare room, declaring me a humourless bitch.

What an arsehole.

If a ‘joke’ my partner made made me upset, he would say sorry, be kind and not verbally abuse me or call me a ‘humourless bitch’. Regardless of the content of the ‘joke’. Because he’s not a cunt.

Your husband has been really, really horrible to you today. I wouldn’t be forgetting that quickly and it would have a long term effect on how safe and valued I felt emotionally within the relationship.

I wonder if he would think his daughter’s boyfriends were fundamentally nice and decent blokes if they reacted to his daughters the way he has done to you tonight.

And what does him becoming verbally abusive look like?

DH once made a really awful 'joke' that I objected to. Forcefully. He apologised. He didn't call me names.

This! Perhaps he didn’t realise how offensive it was, but it doesn’t stop him saying sorry!

@jay55 that's exactly what I said to him. He just laughed (the problem is that he is specifically well sorted in that department so no such joke would ever be made, so he has never had the experience of worrying about that).

What do you call a man with a big cock? Well, you wouldn't know.

Funny? Offensive? Or crap joke?

I don’t think you’re in the wrong. I think it can come as a huge shock when someone you trust and who’s not normally crude laughs at something grim like that. The decent thing for him to do would be to say he’s sorry, he didn’t mean to upset you, rather than shout at you and call you a humourless bitch.

I read it as “tight cunt” meaning a miserly partner.
and the “you wouldn’t know” meaning, he was generous, not miserly

..these things go over my head !

I think you reacted rather than overreacted to something that offended you.
His behaviour and language was an overreaction to upsetting someone, even if it was unintentional.

He did apologise, I said I didn't accept the apology because I felt he didn't understand how offensive it was. Yes, I think now that I am definitely in the wrong in the end here.

What a shame you did not have to hand a demeaning and vulgar joke about the male appendage, his in particular, with which you could have retorted.

@ExtraOnions oh he meant it in the sexual sense for sure!

Please explain the joke?

The difference is that he is supremely secure about his body and sexual functioning whereas I am not.

All of this. I am very similar to you Op in outlook age and relationship and I would be really shocked if my oh told that joke.

he might respond defensively and I would be very upset and angry about that and eventually he would sincerely apologies. He’d never call me a humourless bitch or any other kind of bitch.