Not a joke, or is it

[Nonfunny]

I am a regular poster, very long term, mostly on FWR but also here and there. NC for this.

My DH I have long considered as one of the good ones. He doesn't like the term feminist but he has been a SAHD for years, completely supportive of my career, an excellent father, also a TERF in terms of gender issues, and generally seemed all round reasonable. He has two adult daughters which are high achieving scientists of whom we are both very proud.

Tonight he, out if the blue, told me a "joke" he saw on Facebook, which went like this (sorry for the graphic language). What do you call a woman with a tight cunt? Well, you wouldn't know.

I was at first stunned and then blew up big time. And then, I am rather ashamed to admit, I became upset and tearful. (I am a post menopausal woman who is not particularly secure about her body). He just could not see why I was making "a fuss" about a "joke". He became quite verbally abusive, and has gone to sleep in the spare room, declaring me a humourless bitch.

Am I over reacting?

You're not overreacting. The joke is offensive and demeaning and his response is appalling.

Wouldn't bother me - shit joke for sure, but not something I would feel was a personal attack. Also probably would tut at the usage of that word for vagina.

Is there more to this? Are you self conscious of your vagina?

Yes that would have been my response.

What do you call a man with a big cock?

Cockhead. So big it comes right out between his eyes.

You big knobber.

It's not even a funny joke??!!

I think that's really disgusting joke it's not a fucking joke at all. Why did he even say it? I would be asking him what his opinion of a young man who said that to one of his daughters would be.

Do you think part of the reason you blew up was because you were shocked and deeply disappointed that he found it funny?

It’s horrible when someone we think we know does something nasty that would have previously seemed beneath them.

It gets you thinking doesn’t it

I think it's that the OP doesn't know, because hers isn't tight, so she's never been called it.

Not funny.

I’d also be annoyed if my husband said this to me but I take everything to heart.

However, I would definitely reply with something like ‘well my ex never complained’ 😂

It's a crap joke. It's not funny or clever. I'm sorry it upset you so much.

I would imagine that your DH does not share your feelings about the 'inadequacy' of your vagina. Being one of the good ones, he couldn't think that and still tell you this 'joke'. That may be why he is so cross with your reaction.

This! I would hit the roof if my partner told me this 'joke'. His celebrating women and all they do stance has just been debunked.. that's why hes angry. Its also his humourless bitch after thats more offensive imho... because if you were upset about it he should have said im sorry it wasnt meant as personal, just how its written...but he didn't...id be fuming.

Nope you’re not in the wrong OP! It’s a crap joke - even if he found it funny, it was a choice to relay it to you. And you were within your right to be upset and call him out. His reaction of calling you a humourless bitch? If my husband ever resorted to name-calling, that would be it. I would genuinely divorce him.

@LauderSyme yes, thinking about it now I suspect you are right. He has never before been anything less than complimentary about my body.

sorry not the point of the thread but are you boasting that he’s a terf as a good thing? lol

Has he just been play-acting at being a feminist all this time because he liked the praise and wanted to stay home? Or has he a medical condition that’s made him change personality? It doesn’t make sense how you described vs this behaviour - both the joke and his calling you a bitch. 🤔

Not funny.
Actually passive aggressive? Is he actually trying to make a personal remark about you via this “joke”?

It must have been such a shock. Take care of yourself and don’t rush to apologise just to smooth this over ( my habit - it may not be yours!)

The joke wouldn't necessarily bother me, but him becoming verbally abusive and calling you a humourless bitch... no. Any kind of abuse is an absolute deal breaker as far as I'm concerned.

It seems like a bit of a 180 in terms of how you describe him. Is this really the first red flag you've seen?

The fact that you're so quick to tell yourself you're in the wrong also strikes me as weird, given that you've been married all this time to a "feminist" who presumably has been supportive, kind and validating throughout your relationship...

Say he won't have heard the one about the big dick....

You are not in the wrong @Nonfunny

The joke was misogynistic and a direct criticism of your body.

Why does he suddenly think it’s ok to say hateful sexist shit like this to you?

You did not over react. You must be wondering who the fuck he is.

So he is Verbally abusive to you, certainly misogynistic and a TERF. Hardly one of the good guys.

He has never in 20 years said anything misogynistic before, as far as I can recall. And whatever other people on here may think about terfs, just take it as read that for me that is a good ( in fact essential) thing. You don't have to agree with me about that. I was just sounding off about the stupid "joke" coming from someone who previously appeared aligned with my values. I have over reacted, i believe, it's to do with my own body image and a very damaging former relationship, I have no doubt.

Same and I really would. Being called misogynistic names is a hard line in the sand for me. Is this really the first time he's ever become verbally aggressive with you? It seems quite extreme to go from nothing at all to this.

So he said you have a loose vagina via the medium of a 'joke' and then called you a humourless b.... and you think you've over-reacted?

We can argue robustly, yes. I am not blameless and i can be nasty too. But we have been married for 20 years,and mostly get along just fine. I am not shocked that we had an argument, that's not unknown. But we haven't argued about something like this before. Misogyny and body shaming of women is not something that he has come up with before.

Even if it was an overreaction from you (and I'm not sure about that) calling you a 'humourless bitch' is vile and I would absolutely not be apologising to him.

You did not over react @Nonfunny

My long-term sort-of-partner (it's complicated!) sent me a message on 14th February that says "Is blowjob one word? Or is it blow job?? Fuck, I hate writing Valentine's cards".

As a proudly fierce feminist I could have taken offence at his unromantic, sexist reductionism but I chose not to because I know he loves me and adores my blowjobs. My personal favourite sexist joke is "Why do brides wear white? So they match the kitchen appliances". Not everything has to be taken seriously.