Not a joke, or is it

[Nonfunny]

I am a regular poster, very long term, mostly on FWR but also here and there. NC for this.

My DH I have long considered as one of the good ones. He doesn't like the term feminist but he has been a SAHD for years, completely supportive of my career, an excellent father, also a TERF in terms of gender issues, and generally seemed all round reasonable. He has two adult daughters which are high achieving scientists of whom we are both very proud.

Tonight he, out if the blue, told me a "joke" he saw on Facebook, which went like this (sorry for the graphic language). What do you call a woman with a tight cunt? Well, you wouldn't know.

I was at first stunned and then blew up big time. And then, I am rather ashamed to admit, I became upset and tearful. (I am a post menopausal woman who is not particularly secure about her body). He just could not see why I was making "a fuss" about a "joke". He became quite verbally abusive, and has gone to sleep in the spare room, declaring me a humourless bitch.

Am I over reacting?

Disgusting.
why would he go out of his way to say that to you, then shame you when you didn’t think it was funny?

I just find it vile.

It may be my flu addled insomnia 4am brain talking but I don't actually get it? I understand the point being made is that you (listener) don't have one but why does that mean you wouldn't know what to call one? It's illogical as well as unfunny 😂

Sorry get the joke I mean, not you being upset!

im not surprised you are offended, he is clearly trying to make a point about your body. I wonder how well he would take offensive sahd’jokes’

It's not funny
It's an insult
His reaction was awful. Did he genuinely think you would laugh?

I don't get that joke either 🤦‍♀️

Totally agree. It makes FA sense as a joke. I'm not lots of things but I still know what to call them. It's not coherent or funny and he's a moron for bringing it up to you. You're not humourless. It's a shit joke even before getting into the misogyny of it.

Unless this is a pattern of behaviour it sounds like he got defensive when you got upset (which isn’t ideal but doesn’t mean you need an immediate divorce imo). I think this calls for a conversation when everyone has calmed down.

@thistimelastweek

It's a joke referencing towards the fact nowadays over the confusion cause of popularity of sex change ops,
you don't know who is biological females or not...

I’m glad you said that, neither do I!

It’s not funny but it was out of character. He did apologise and that probably should have been the end of it but he became verbally abusive. That for me is the part that’s not ok.

Yeah I think this was a really stupid thing to say to any woman, particularly one you’re in a relationship with for multiple reasons, one being you’re meant to build each others confidence, not the opposite, irrelevant of being a ‘humourless bitch’ - which would actually be more of an issue for me!

I think it’s very telling that he reacted to your reaction in this way, by becoming aggressive and abusive and going off to sulk in the spare room. It shows he knows he’s in the wrong and can’t deal with it in a mature way so would rather deflect than admit he was out of order. Maybe ask him if he’d be happy telling that joke to his daughters, and if not why not.

When he is in a calm and rational frame of mind you could explain that you were upset bc you were disappointed him telling you that joke and finding it funny S you found it insensitive, and no you weren’t being over sensitive. No woman would find that funny being aimed at them from someone who had slept with them. It’s the equivalent of ridiculing someone for having a small penis when they’re worried they’re below average. Think of something he is or may be sensitive about and ask if he’d find it funny if you joked about that. Better yet make that joke. He probably would lie and say he wouldn’t have a problem, or refuse to see why you’re upset, so there may he no point banging your head against a brick wall. Maybe just say you’d appreciate it if he didn’t share similar jokes with you again as you find them upsetting and don’t have to share his (warped) sense of humour.

Sorry you’re upset OP, you’re justified as this thread confirms.

Also, maybe ask his daughters how they would feel if their partner said this to them - you don’t have to mention their dad did. I’m sure they’d agree it’s a stupid thing to say.

@Nonfunny

It just come across as an silly attempt to be in solidarity and up to date with topical issue that affect or concern biologically women, its an unfunny joke
Making a snide reference about confusion 😕 and naivety of being a male unawares of whether a female is really biologically one or trans one.

I think 🤔 its a case of he badly misjudged the audience for his unfunny joke it comes across as a joke men would say on a night out on the town on a drinking session or a joke men say in the changing rooms after playing some kind of sports match..
to come across as Witty and relevant an attempt to...

@Nonfunny

I wouldn't see this unfunny joke as anything than just that,
as just he sounds like he is trying to hard to impress you and be topical relevant 🙄

Your husband sounds to me like he could be a bit socially arkward bit or a lot geeky 🤓 type
Don't take offense
I don't think there was malice behind it

It's a shame he had a diva strop

I am saying this as I assume he does not on quite a regular basis say inappropriate belitting insulting jokes under the guise of humour..

Well the "joke" doesn't make sense. You ask someone something? Then end with "you wouldn't know"? Why ask then, knobhead?

It's a pointless joke and I would be irritated with someone who found it funny, or rather thought I would find it funny. It's crap.

Why doesn't he like the term feminist by the way?

That wasn't a joke that was a personal attack.

I'm afraid I'd have to spend the next day constantly firing 'funny' jokes back for his entertainment.

What do call a brilliant lover... you wouldn't know.

What d'you call a prolific wanker.....you

What is that insensitive part at the base of the penis called ?..... you

why are men like laxatives.... cos they irritate the shit out of you.

D'you know men are like bannanas, the older they get the less firm they are.

Men are like computers... it's always necessary to have a backup.

What d'you call a sexually satified woman.... You wouldn't know.

etc, etc, a full deluge of cruel jokes that he can laugh at.

The more out of character for you the better, try and do some comparison jokes about your exes too for good measure.

Your husband is definitely a misogynist and you have just refused to see it. Maybe you've been gaslit. You've just said you were overreacting when you definitely weren't. Insult thrown at you out of the blue disguised as a joke so you can't take offense, you do and he verbally abused you and calls you a humourless bitch. This is a man who clearly has a problem with women.

I wonder if this is even real though, or if it's someone trying to stir arguments. Why would you mention he's a TERF and doesn't like the word feminist otherwise...

The so-called joke means her vagina has been stretched by children birth meaning sex is not as good.

@whatsitcalledwhen

You made some good valid emotionally sage full insightful comments
I agree with what you said,

@Nonfunny

I am having a re think about 🤔 his behaviour your husband is shitty and abusive
that's troubling behaviour 😳 in a relationship

Him cause you didn't react in what he consirdered the right way,

His behaviour comes as controlling too..

I think it is a horrible joke and the fact that the joke is saying to you that you have a loose vagina it's really fucking horrible actually. Everyone knows that men purport to dislike "loose" vaginas so he is basically saying "you have a sexually undesirable body part".

Even if he says that you don't, I would struggle to believe that because why did he even think to say it to you?? It wouldn't have crossed his mind if you had a "tight" vagina because then the joke wouldn't have even worked.

He has insulted you massively imo

If my husband came out with a "joke" like that and then proceeded to call me a humourless bitch for being offended, I'd think he had been possessed or something. It's just not the behaviour of a decent man. Sorry OP but he's not the man you think he is. Perhaps if he got a job (your DC can't be particularly young) he'd have less time to spend scrolling fb.

It's not a joke...it's a horrible insult.

You are NOT in the wrong.

My dh can be an arse sometimes but he would never, ever make a joke like that. For one he wouldn’t find it amusing and two he has enough sensitivity to know it would upset and feel personal to me.

I can’t stand vulgar jokes and it would really make me think less of a man who told a misogynistic one like that.
Id also assume they’re rather thick.

Your dh sounds like a juvenile, nasty prick.

I'm glad it's not just me that doesn't 'get' the joke 😅

OP is there any chance he's feeling resentful at the moment - is he happy being a SAHD? Have you had a promotion or anything recently that might have made him reflect on his status versus yours? Just wondering whether this might have been half joke/half deliberate attempt to upset you, passive aggressively. Not that that is ok of course.

I'm so sorry you've been so deeply hurt about it. In any case when things calm down I'd try to talk to him about it with I statements - when you said X I felt Y. And see what he says. Whatever his reasons for behaving this way he needs to understand and own the impact, even if he doesn't agree with the principle (ie still thinks it was a 'hilarious' joke).

It is a misogynist joke but I wonder if it is one directed at TW as in you wouldn't know because you're not a woman and don't have the required body parts. That would tie in with what the OP said about him otherwise.

My feeling would he that he didn't intend to insult the OP with it and wasn't expecting her reaction. It probably didn't even occur to him she'd take ot that way because its not how he sees her at all.

However, the bigger problem is how he reacted when she was upset by it.

None of us really know what he intended by it because rather than explain it, he launched straight into calling her names.