Not a joke, or is it

[Nonfunny]

I am a regular poster, very long term, mostly on FWR but also here and there. NC for this.

My DH I have long considered as one of the good ones. He doesn't like the term feminist but he has been a SAHD for years, completely supportive of my career, an excellent father, also a TERF in terms of gender issues, and generally seemed all round reasonable. He has two adult daughters which are high achieving scientists of whom we are both very proud.

Tonight he, out if the blue, told me a "joke" he saw on Facebook, which went like this (sorry for the graphic language). What do you call a woman with a tight cunt? Well, you wouldn't know.

I was at first stunned and then blew up big time. And then, I am rather ashamed to admit, I became upset and tearful. (I am a post menopausal woman who is not particularly secure about her body). He just could not see why I was making "a fuss" about a "joke". He became quite verbally abusive, and has gone to sleep in the spare room, declaring me a humourless bitch.

Am I over reacting?

He said some inappropriate things in front of his daughters when they were younger, and was absolutely horrified when I pointed out how they could be interpreted (as if he had some sexual interest in them, which is of course not the case, he just put a compliment very clumsily).

Got any more red flags to drip-feed to us, OP?

That 'joke' was utterly disrespectful. I swear like a trooper but my DH would never use the word cunt in front of me, let alone in such a context.

Just a few more responses

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia really not a drip feed of a red flag, just a mention of a silly ill-considered comment about his pretty teenage daughters' attractiveness to the opposite sex. I just said that as an example of how men sometimes say things they really haven't thought through in terms of how they sound. He realised immediately how potentially creepy it had sounded after I pointed it out and was very apologetic and embarrassed by it. That was over a decade ago and it never happened again.

The word cunt wasn't the point, I have no problems with saying it myself as a description of female genitalia or with him doing so. I guess I feel by now it's been reclaimed enough and can fairly be seen as a word being used back in its original colloquial sense. I am well aware that other people may differ in this, and that is fine. If it was a word that he knew upset or offended me if course i would have had a response to his having used it. But that to me that word wasn't the issue in this context, it was just a descriptor. It was the implication of the lack of "tightness" and all the baggage that goes with it that i reacted to. (Although if a stranger used the word cunt TO me as an insulting description I would have something to say to them, of course)

@LangleyPark a sensible and well considered post, thanks. Yes, I have admitted from the beginning my reaction (externally) was pretty strong and potentially over the top, and in that, as I have said, I believe i was wrong. My behaviour included some shouting and some insults (not about genitalia or anything physical but about ingrained misogyny and lack of critical thinking), then an initial flat refusal to accept an apology (he has apologised again now by the way, and I have now accepted it). His behaviour in return also included shouting and being insulting, as I have already described. Both not the way to do it. I agree completely. I am not being on my high horse here. I was wanting to examine whether the precipitant to the whole thing, ie the "joke", would have been OK or even funny to some women. (It seems not to many as it turns out).

At fairly advanced age and after two long marriages each, I guess we both still have things to learn!

He's getting bored of behaving.

Sounds like he goes for high achieving women and then gets annoyed at being seen as a cuckhold.

He's rebelling.

Odd post. I don't see how he is being cuckolded? And how do you know he "goes for high achieving women"? You don't know anything about his first wife!

It is a very poor taste joke. Reply to him how do you call a man with sufficient intellect? Oh well, you wouldn't know.

The joke itself is bullshit.

I think OP making excuses for him now..im outta here

No, the "joke' was not only bullshit but personally insulting to me. No question. I am emphatically not making excuses for him.

But i don't understand the "cuckolding" comment? That means I am unfaithful to him Why would somebody say that? I never said that? (I haven't been, why would anyone think i have, from what i have said? That is pretty left field, and insulting to me). And the comment about him going for "high achieving women". Where is the evidence for that?

I think regarding the high achieving women it may be a reference to his daughters being scientists was it? I think there might have been a bit of confusion

That was a really offensive joke. You didn’t overreact - at all. I reckon I have the smuttiest sense of humour of any of my female friends and my DH and I tell some pretty ribald jokes. But what your DH said was deeply offensive and personal. He owes you a serious apology!

There's no question that it's an offensive joke, but the real question is why he is displaying this lack of manners.

All I'm saying is he doesn't sound particularly like an alph male, something's triggered that insensitive joke in his head, you may have a bit of a revolt on your hands.

Or she is just tired of the nonsense being talked. I understand her point of view perfectly. He told a silly joke, she reacted poorly (justifiably, it's a crap joke) he blew up at her and then they have simmered down. As the OP says, it is a twenty year marriage! Of course there will be tense moments. And the posters reading something sinister into the comments about his daughters are really reaching.

That's a really nasty thing to say. It's not just that it's crass and misogynistic - older women/slack vaginas, ha ha - the added nastiness is that you're the punchline ('you wouldn't know'). So, in quick succession, he's 'joked' that you have a slack cunt and called you a humourless bitch. Nice!

You say it's out of character for him. I'd be wondering what's going on under the surface here and why he suddenly felt the need to say said something so personal and hurtful. It reads as very passive aggressive. As a comparator, I'm sure you wouldn't - apropos of nothing - come out with 'what do you call a sexually satisfied woman? ...' and then call him a humourless twat and storm off if he felt personally got at by your 'joke'. Unless, of course, you actively wanted to have a jab at him and upset him ...

How would he react if you said: what do you call a man with a big dick. Haha well you wouldn't know!

If it's out of character which it sounds like it is perhaps there are bigger issues at play?
Frankly if my partner said that to me I'd be insisting on having him tested for early onset dementia. Or other health issues that cause personality changes.

@SuperGreens the small dick joke wouldn't work with him, as I have said, so it's beside the point. Nor the non-sexually satisfied woman one. The lack of sexual problems in our relationship and the many years of easy banter and freedom around sexual talk is precisely why I blew up so spectacularly at this stupid thing last night. It was so stupid and puerile and disappointing, and the reason why I sought an external view about what he said and my reaction to it.

Small dick wouldn’t work, how about saggy/shrivelled balls? Balding hair? Middle aged spread? Man boobs? Flat arse?

You probably don’t want to make him feel as shit you felt but there must be some aspect of his manhood/physical appearance he would be sensitive about to help him see it from your side.

In what relationship would saying something like that be anything but horribly offensive.
I would divorce my husband if he said anything like that to me. I don't understand why people are minimising it.

I guess people are minimising it because OP is minimising it? She was there and knows exactly what was said and how it was said, and I guess she has decided it's not a big deal.

Personally I think any amount of abuse in a relationship is unacceptable. I might not jump straight to divorce if this was the first time he'd been verbally abusive. But it would likely kill my feelings of love and respect for him. I could probably get over the misogynist joke, but the verbal abuse and name calling is not something I would tolerate in a relationship. I can't imagine living with someone who spoke to me that way.

I don't think OP is minimising it. I think she is putting it into proportionate perspective within the context of a 20 year marriage.

I think I understand @Nonfunny

The 'joke' didn't make sense, isn't funny and is the type of 'joke' a 15 year old boy would find funny.

If my DH had told it, I'd wondered who this person was, and I'd be very disappointed that he wasn't quite the man I thought he was.

The fact that the 'joke' is insulting, when he knows you're currently lacking body confidence, makes it worse.

And then he called you a 'humourless bitch'.

I understand why you wouldn't consider ending 1 20 year marriage because of all of this, but totally understand why you'd be questionning who he is, and hurt by his behaviour. His apology doesn't quite undo the negative messages created by the telling of this 'joke'.