Not a joke, or is it

[Nonfunny]

I am a regular poster, very long term, mostly on FWR but also here and there. NC for this.

My DH I have long considered as one of the good ones. He doesn't like the term feminist but he has been a SAHD for years, completely supportive of my career, an excellent father, also a TERF in terms of gender issues, and generally seemed all round reasonable. He has two adult daughters which are high achieving scientists of whom we are both very proud.

Tonight he, out if the blue, told me a "joke" he saw on Facebook, which went like this (sorry for the graphic language). What do you call a woman with a tight cunt? Well, you wouldn't know.

I was at first stunned and then blew up big time. And then, I am rather ashamed to admit, I became upset and tearful. (I am a post menopausal woman who is not particularly secure about her body). He just could not see why I was making "a fuss" about a "joke". He became quite verbally abusive, and has gone to sleep in the spare room, declaring me a humourless bitch.

Am I over reacting?

Youre not being sensitive. Whether you want to hear it or not, hes out of order no matter how much he supposedly stands by women..if.my partner said this, after how many years..amd then finished the sexist misogynistic 'joke' off calling me a humourless bitch...he would be my ex parther..no ifs buts. Excusing him because of previous good behaviour is meh, hes just destroyed the years of his 'supportiveness' in one 'joke'...and calling you a bitch... misogynist in disguise

Those jokes are crap but totally different @LauderSyme The joke the OP’s H told was a direct criticism of her body and really misogynistic.

How can this not be an offensive thing to say to your partner, it’s bound to come across as a personal criticism?

Here’s a joke from the 80s.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

Depends how thin you slice them.

BOOM BOOM! Think he’d like that?

If the joke was you being shit at blow jobs tbag would be a more accurate comparison.

And unless your partner would verbally abuse you if you said you didn't like a joke he told (whatever the joke was) including calling you a humourless bitch in anger, and you felt that was warranted or justified, I would think your boundaries were very poor and standards very low.

This isn't really about whether or not the joke was funny or meant well, it's about his reaction to OP being upset by it. Verbal abuse and calling her a humourless bitch for being upset is awful, don't you think?

I agree

Wtf are these responses you're getting?! Of course you aren't in the wrong. He made a really disgusting misogynistic joke and then called you a bitch for being upset by it? I wouldn't ever look at him the same way again, I'm sorry.

I don’t think you overreacted, I think he overreacted to your anger. He said something offensive, you got upset and annoyed. That was no reason for him to become verbally abusive, call you a humourless bitch and go off to sleep away from you.
I’d be quite shaken if my “one of the good ones” did that. Calling me a humourless bitch for being angry about misogyny would make me see him differently.

The joke was an error of judgement. Calling you a humourless bitch was a vicious attack. I’d be reconsidering my marriage.

@whatsitcalledwhen Yes, I do think verbally abusing his wife and calling her misogynistic slurs is awful. I am sorry that my previous posts failed to clearly spell that out.

Yes this

I’m still trying to see the joke. It’s a man telling a woman her vagina isn’t tight, right? It’s an insult, and witty insults can be dreadfully funny, but I just can’t see what’s witty about that one. If that’s a joke, is “What is a pretty woman called? You wouldn’t know” equally funny?

Sorry OP, your man is a fuckwit.

I had a similar situation with my DH a while back, posted about it on MN in fact (under another name) as it really upset me so I can imagine how you're feeling OP. Mine did apologise and there was no name calling or turning it round on me but I still genuinely wondered for a while whether it was going to change the way I felt about him forever.

Your DH's reaction adds another layer to that unfortunately, especially as it sounds out of character for him, you must be wondering who the fuck he is and what he's done with your husband right now. Hard to advise what you should do now as so much depends on whether he's going to back down/explain wtf he was thinking and apologise or not. Still not easy to come back from even without his reaction though I know, the fear that you've unwittingly married a misogynist and been duped for 20-odd years is a total headfuck tbh

I am utterly shocked by this behaviour of his!

I think once I'd calmed down (to those who don't get it's offensive because it directly attacks his wife's sexual confidence, reduces women to a body part, uses an offensive term for women)

Made worse by his further swearing at you

I would want to understand what is going on with him

This behaviour sounds totally out of character. He was trying to communicate something real (we all know Freud's theories on jokes) whether that is a wish for a string emotional reaction from you or expressing sexual frustration...I cannot know.

You need to let yourself process your emotions on this. Stop seeking an apology. And find out what he was really trying to communicate in this uncharacteristic and deliberate behaviour.

Your description of your DH reminds me of mine and I can't imagine mine making a joke like that so I can see why it was shocking. Especially from someone who is usually supportive and aligned with your values.

I do not think that the "what do you call a big cock?" retort that many have suggested is the same. If he was insecure about it then yes but OP said he's not got an issue in that area so presumably he is bigger than average. Penis size is easy to measure and knowing he's objectively bigger than most means he won't really take that joke to heart the same way.

Men talking about tightness always seems particularly gross to me because it's a judgement on us physically as well as often our morals and it's so subjective that there's no way for us to easily dismiss it.

A better comparison would maybe be a joke about how he's bad in bed, can't make you orgasm or doesn't last long enough etc.

Not that I'm suggesting to go tit for tat - just pointing out that calling someone "loose" is probably more hurtful than calling a guy with an objectively big dick small when he isn't at all insecure about it.

Maybe you overreacted a bit but his reaction was really not ok and I wouldn't let it go.

I don't really get how it's a joke. It's just an insult. To the person who compared it to valentines and blowjobs I also don't see the comparison. One of them is someone writing something dirty in a card which is complimentary and asking for a sexual act that you both enjoy and the other is someone randomly insulting an intimate part of their partners body. If the card said you're really shit at blowjobs and for Valentine's Day he would like a blowjob from your sister would it be funny?

Of course it's a good thing! It means the person isn't enthralled to a cult. "Lol.

How could you not take it as an insult and find it offensive and upsetting!
Vile man.
I certainly wouldn't be wanting to have sex with him for a long time if it was me.

Try making a joke about his small penis see how he likes it

@Surnami "I don't really get how it's a joke. It's just an insult. To the person who compared it to valentines and blowjobs I also don't see the comparison. One of them is someone writing something dirty in a card which is complimentary and asking for a sexual act that you both enjoy and the other is someone randomly insulting an intimate part of their partners body. If the card said you're really shit at blowjobs and for Valentine's Day he would like a blowjob from your sister would it be funny?"

That was me, and you missed my first post which said "It's a crap joke. It's not funny or clever. I'm sorry it upset you so much. I would imagine that your DH does not share your feelings about the 'inadequacy' of your vagina. Being one of the good ones, he couldn't think that and still tell you this 'joke'. That may be why he is so cross with your reaction."

I mentioned the Valentine's Day joke because I thought there was a parallel to be drawn with both men assuming that they and their partner would be together on the same side of the joke, rather than the partner being on the other side as the butt of the joke. I am not explaining that well and have already said it was a bad joke. It wasn't really even a joke, just a crass and insensitive thing to say. Some people might well think the same about referencing blow jobs on the one day devoted to celebrating heartfelt romantic love.

OP in fact agreed with my first post and said, "yes, thinking about it now I suspect you are right. He has never before been anything less than complimentary about my body". Which endorses my opinion that OP's DH never imagined that she would take offence because she does not, in fact, have a loose vagina and he has never intimated to her that she has, nor that he is anything less than delighted with it. My partner was similarly relying on me not taking offence due to our respective experiences within the broader context of our shared sexual history.

So when does he stop being a SAHD?

I quite like bad taste jokes but this is completely lame.

None of this justifies the "humourless bitch" and spare room sulk.

I'm another voter for "reconsider the marriage".

This about sums up my sentiments.

It wasn't a joke, it was an INSULT, and a personal one at that.

Then to call you a humourless bitch was even more vile than the insult.

He's horrible.

Your husband is a misogynist. His veneer has slipped big style

As most reasonable posters have pointed out its an insult masked as a joke. And when OP objected to the obvious insult he DARVO’d the heck out of her by Denying Attacking, and Reversing Victim and Offender. If he wasn’t having a TIA then Mr Perfect feminist terf guy is a raging asshole with a not so secret desire to neg his lovely wife.