Are there really as many women as it sounds who deny ex access to children?

[Rainbow03]

I don’t personally know of anyone who has done this. But when you speak to people, especially men you always hear the story of the evil ex women denying contact or making it difficult etc.

My own partner says he has a friend whose ex only allows access if he gives her money.

Do women genuinely behave like this as much as you hear about and why is the story constantly being told.

It makes it difficult when you have actually denied contact to seem legit and I hate telling people in RL. In my case it was drugs and abuse but people probably think I’m one of those ex’s.

Oops @Rainbow03 that was supposed to be at the op, and her partner and his poor friend who desperately wants to see his kids but not enough to pay towards tbeir food and clothes and living and school things that his ex is clearly providing on her own 24 hours a day 7 days a week 52 weeks a year since he doesn’t even see them?

My ex says I won't let him see our son despite him telling court he wants nothing to do with him. I imagine he calls me the psycho ex etc. I just don't care. Me, him and the legal profession knows the truth.

DSDs mum made it very hard for DH to see his DC regularly . DSD is now an adult and has a great relationship with her Dad . It was distressing at the time but we just kept trying to do the right thing . DSD now makes her own decisions . My main sadness is that she isn’t that close to our DC - they just don’t trust her to stay around - I hope in time that will improve

An Ex friend of mine did exactly this. She got into a new relationship pretty soon after they split and encouraged the kids to call her new partner daddy (they were both under 4 at the time). She's completely shut him out, ignores any court order Ans has alienated the kids to the point where they hardly know him. He's absolutely heartbroken and her behaviour is partly why we're not friends anymore. There was no abuse or mistreatment, she just decided her life would be easier if she could play happy families with her new partner and forget Dad ever existed.

Sounds like there are so many sides to so many stories. I feel guilty about stopping contact but only for our daughter and not for him. He gave me little choice but a lot of the time they don’t see that their behaviour is causing damage. They move on with their woe me stories leaving out massively important parts.

Most commonly it’s a cover because they don’t really want to put the effort in. The kids are a lower priority than their new life/partner/ family, the kids know that and they alienate themselves but it’s much more acceptable to blame someone else than admit the truth and do something about it. They want to see the kids but not when they’re on holiday: doing their hobby/ seeing their partner etc. And if they have another family the kids are not a full part of that because sometimes the step mum considers them ‘his kids’. So many relationships break down because one partner doesn’t want to put the required effort in post children, you see it all the time on here. If someone is doing less than half in the relationship and prioritising themself that doesn’t miraculously change when they leave, it often gets worse because they also have an unrelated partner/family wanting their time and end up with split loyalties. Kids don’t want to fit in with whatever crumbs are dropped their way, they want to be the priority. There’s going to be some people who genuinely do restrict access but if the other partner hasn’t bothered with mediation, court etc you have to ask why not. I’d see my children on any terms and fight all the way for them

Sounds like a straightforward case of parental alienation to me, mother clearly more culpable. In every single point in your story where contact has been reduced it has been at the request of the mother and she has put barriers in the way which makes contact very difficult until the point at which the children's relationship with their father is so poor they are choosing not to spend time with him.

No offence, but seeing that your partner has an equal hand in this is quite harsh given you acknowledge that he doesn't have the financial resources to contest in court and mediation was unsuccessful. No wonder women refuse to believe that parental alienation of fathers is a real thing if they see stories like the one you have told as "both parents at fault".

Loads. I used to work in the family court. Obviously my sample may be skewed as I saw those who have gone to court over but huge amounts of women withhold or deliberately mess up contact with their ex. The most common reason I saw was because they don’t want their children being eith a new /OW. They tend to be v surprised when they are told that’s not a valid reason. Some for reasons of abuse and some of those are clearly genuine from the evidence presented but often there is none (which doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened) but some is obviously lies and just malicious. Some who don’t think they get enough money and again are surprised that these
issues are not linked and a lot just because they are angry and hate their ex. It’s very common I’m afraid however much we would like to pretend it isn’t

@eleganz actually the first step was that the mother allowed contact in her own home and then requested that not be the case because father had found a new partner. That seems entirely appropriate for all their sakes and the father had had sufficient time to find some sort of appropriate alternative. There appears to be have been no reason why he couldn’t have contact away from
that place? As a parent you really need to prioritise having an appropriate place for your children to see you. That might be prioritising working over seeing new partners so you can afford it. That might mean seeing the new partner less because you want to see the kids. That might mean travelling back and forth in an evening if your mother won’t let the children stay over. It might mean taking the kids out somewhere. Children see less of both parents as they get older- they start prioritising seeing friends, hobbies etc

And a lot of stories like PurpleSprouts

Often the man has moved out and so doesn’t have anywhere to live or lives in much reduced circumstances and so that will be used as a reason for no overnights by mother and then more and more reasons pile on until contact has been reduced to nothing but mother can claim it’s the dad or the kids aren’t bothered as they don’t have a relationship with father anymore (which is true - they don’t!)

My own partner says he has a friend whose ex only allows access if he gives her money.

I’d put money on the friend not being reliable in meeting his child maintenance obligations.

There are women who ‘deny access’. But there are also a LOT of men who claim they are being ‘denied access’ because it makes them sound like the victim.

Legally it’s contact not access. And the difference matters. One is centred around the man (his access to his property children), the other is supposed to be about the child. IME men shouting loudly about access are not thinking about the child.

My STBXH likes to throw around accusations of me denying him
access. What this looks like in practice is him refusing to agree a regular and predictable contact schedule. Instead he’ll message me at 5pm demanding to see DS that evening. And if I say no, he’ll start banging on about how I’m ’denying him access’. It is all bullshit.

I knew someone who was, he had access until he actually moved into his own place then she stopped him, wouldn't even let him speak to the child on the phone without her being present.

I believe him, he never slagged his ex off to me (only once did he say she was controlling). He went through the courts to get access.

This is just my opinion but the moment he got his own place I think she realised he wasn't coming back and she would have to give up the lifestyle she was so accustomed too (think designer everything and big house) so hit him where she knew it would hurt the most.

Not having anywhere to live is presumably a justified reason not to have overnight visits as the kids need somewhere to sleep. Generally the hours that kids are asleep aren’t the most important for bonding though and as a grown adult it is an expectation that you’ll sort yourself out with somewhere to live.

@givenup123 its going to be very heavily skewed surely because the ones who use this line as a cover for their ambivilence aren’t actually going to go
to court are they? If they go to court either they actually care or they’re highly controlling/ abusive. There’s quite a few of the latter who I wouldnmy have guessed whilst they were married because the partner was hiding it, no hard evidence of course

This is a good point.

STBXH likes to shout and make threats about court. But, when my solicitor asked him to propose a regular schedule for contact in DS’s best interests…. Apparently it must be flexible so he can go to the gym, away with work, play football with friends, and so on as and when it suits him.

My solicitor concluded that he makes threats but he will never take me to court for child arrangements because a court will not order that I have to make DS available on demand whenever it suits STBXH.

Absolutely which is why I made reference to this potential skew in my post but the OP asked as there really as many women as it sounds and my answer was my experience is skewed but yes there are a lot. Enough to fill family courts up across the country!

It is very common and it's a shame that these women can't put their children first instead of trying to punish the dad or whatever it is they are trying to do. In the end, it just messes the child up.

I have never understood why some women think they have more authority over a shared child that took 2 people to make. They think because they are the RP, they are in charge.

That’s a very small percentage of relationships that break up with children involved! Also take away the number that aren’t granted due to abuse, not in interests of the child etc it’s really not a large proportion is it? I don’t think anyone has said it never happens

Being the resident parent means you are in charge of the daily upbringing and all that comes with it, school, doctors etc etc. My ex only wanted EOW, didn’t want the mid week visit. He didn’t want to reduce work to have her anymore, whereas I am unable to work any way near the hours I’d like so we can have some more money. It’s not really fair. He changes plans all the time despite being ordered depending on his work etc and I have to work around it all the time as I want to keep her life consistent, whereas he is worried about himself. So yeah I feel like I’m forcibly having to be in charge. He doesn’t attend parent evenings, medical appointments. It becomes frustrating and all I get when I bring up the fact he doesn’t pull any weight is well you broke up the family….no you did they when you abused your power and threw things at me etc etc.

@Rainbow03 I disagree. Choice of school and doctors are a joint decision as well as any healthcare needed. The RP is 'in charge' of the daily decisions while the child is with them but if with father then he is in charge of daily decisions.

@24hrCarer oh I don’t disagree but try telling my ex that, he isn’t interested in none of it. When my daughter is with him his girlfriend looks after her. He has never attended or even inquired of any doctors visits etc. The last time she was unwell in his care he drove her home early vomiting in the car and said it’s mine to deal with.

My apologies, I think I misunderstood your post. I thought you were saying that fathers shouldn't get a say.

See neither does my DH and that doesn’t make him an absent parent, but his contribution is largely financial. That allows me to work less and take on a larger share of the parenting.

Often this dynamic is set during marriage and the RP is quite happy with the financial aspect of it. Then they break up, get the larger share of the assets and afterwards start resenting doing the parenting as they no longer perceive it as their sole role.

@MrBanana if he only ever sees them eow and never attends their events or takes them for necessary treatment etc he is pretty much an absent parent?? I suspect he’s around the house more than eow though

@24hrCarer

I’m a bit confused about your ex and his children

so he went through the family courts to get access and… all eyes turned on him for being abusive and it backfired that he almost went to supervised visits?