Are there really as many women as it sounds who deny ex access to children?

[Rainbow03]

I don’t personally know of anyone who has done this. But when you speak to people, especially men you always hear the story of the evil ex women denying contact or making it difficult etc.

My own partner says he has a friend whose ex only allows access if he gives her money.

Do women genuinely behave like this as much as you hear about and why is the story constantly being told.

It makes it difficult when you have actually denied contact to seem legit and I hate telling people in RL. In my case it was drugs and abuse but people probably think I’m one of those ex’s.

I can only say about my own circle , but with the men who don’t see their children, it’s been through their choice .

If you spoke to my ex you would think he was the best father ever and I have turned the children against him.

Reality is, he has moved to Spain has only seen them for 1 week in the last 2 years even though he has come back to England on several occasions he has not bothered to see the children. They now cannot be bothered with him.

I don't know anyone who does this on RL, but read so many stories from stepmothers, in reference to their partner's Ex.

People I've known IRL, have wanted the dad to see his kids but he buggered off and didn't look back. The kids were more of an inconvenience.

This dad I know walked out on 4 kids and never bothered seeing then ever again. No child support..nothing.
He died a few years ago. I heard he had since remarried and had more kids.

Another, only wants to see the kids if his ex sleeps with him and she has refused, so he doesn't bother.

My daughter stopped her kids father seeing her boys when they were age 9 10 and 12.. when they came home and said he had shouted at them and hit them ( they are ASD)... she asked them if they wanted to carry on seeing him and they all said no.. and eight years later they haven't seen him since and are so much more calmer.. kinder and very happy

This happened to my partner, she wanted to cut him out of their life. I've seen the divorce papers there was no abuse etc just a breakdown in relationship. Contact agreement was made through court which she continually broke, he would drive 300 miles to see his child and it would be a no show, no excuse, no prewarning just a no show. Any complaint was met with take me to court then, which did happen several times but nothing happens to the mother for breaking the agreement just a new agreement set up to be broken again within months. Each time whilst waiting to go back to court there would be no contact, 6 to 12 months. His child was very young so each meeting knew him less and less to a point he was a stranger to his own child. You can only do this so many times without loosing your own mind so eventually he lost contact altogether. Although a happy ending as they reconnected 2 years ago and are now building a new relationship. I don't know why she did this he would have been a good kind caring father. He paid child maintenance throughout even when contact was totally gone.

I know of 2 people it has happened to, and my circle isn't super wide

In my circle I am aware of three divorces/splits.

In all cases the man couldn't be bothered, and in one case he got a new girlfriend who already had kids and decided they were his new family and wanted to bring all of them to family occasions etc. ready made family apparently.

He left her after a bit as well and never sees either of her kids.

I think a lot of the time it is bollocks spouted by men to excuse their crappy òbehaviour.

HOWEVER - my cousin has openly and happily admitted that she got into relationships purely to have kids and never had any intention to allow the dads involvement. She also had three kids in relatively quick succession by three men to maximise child support. In two cases she left before the baby was even born. All three men thought they were in an actual relationship with her (she is very pretty and can be very charming).

She then moved half the way across the country without leaving a forwarding address. The guys involved were all working full time but in low paid jobs so she got three lots of maintenance, but they didn't have the money to track her down, for court or for the travel involved (100s and 100s of miles) to see their kid even if they could find her and get court ordered access.

I didn't know any of the men involved beyond a passing hello but I know two of them at least tried repeatedly to get in touch with her via phone/email/SM and she blocked them both. For all I know they could all have been awful people but considering how open she was about her intentions from the start I tend to think she was the really awful one.

Yes this does happen, and I think it happens more than people care to realise. The more extreme case I’m aware of she left him for another man. His fight for his kids left him so depressed he committed suicide. It was unbelievably sad.

I know of one other case, again the mother cheating. Got the kids to start calling her string of new men ‘dad’, and it almost resulted in suicide.

DNs mother refused contact with our family for a year. To give her some credit... she reconnected and apologised when she realised DN missed everyone. She was (rightfully) angry at BIL... he was not a good father (uselessness rather than directly harmful) . But she agreed that the rest of the family were good for DN. The reason for the cut... she had had a baby with her new husband and wanted to be one family.

If a man says that... I usually presume its not the full story.

This is almost exactly what happened with my DH. Once his ex found out he had a new partner, there was no contact at all. She wanted to move on with her new partner, didn't want DH around and turned the kids against him. Court didn't want to know. Only restablished contact once the eldest was 18. So sad and frustrating how easily it can be done.

I've never heard of this. The only reason anyone doesn't see their kids that I know of is through choice or their own appalling behaviour has led to it being restricted.

I have been with my partner almost 4 years and my oldest daughters calls him by his name, she can call him what she likes (as long as not rude lol). When contact started with her dad after a 3 year gap one of the first things he told her over the video call was that she had another mother waiting to see her. I think a lot of men get the set up so that someone else can take care of the children…in my case she does it all.

So very sad, although they have reconnected, they will form their own relationship but he will never be 'dad' that's been stolen. Yes very easy for her to do, when they went to court she got financial aid, he got nothing, was in a minimum wage job but still scrapped the money together, he wanted to see his child. There was no comeback on her for breaking the order so just kept doing that till she wore him down and got her way, it is easy for them to do it

It happened to me as as child, so yes, it does happen.

I don't think it's common though. Useless or abusive men lie and claim they were denied access. Easier than admitting the real reason and allows them to perpetuate their misogyny.

@jinyjo that wasn’t my experience of court at all. I couldn’t get any support and I worked part time on minimum wage, I raked up a large debt. They were very strict, any breaking of orders would have resulted in loss of contact or a change of residency.

Most of people that don't see their kids are not in the extremes where one of the parents is a danger, most of the people that don't see their children is because deep down don't bother that much about them.

There are cases of court orders and allienated parents that don't allow the other parent to see their kids but overall those cases although far to many, are not the majority. The majority is form by people that tell an edulcorated version of why they don't bother as they should.

Tbh it’s situations like these where I can understand a father stepping away.

A good friend of mine has a similar story. Mum just found Dad an intrusion and so stopped contact.

My eldest is 16. Her father is a multimillionaire I got pregnant at 34 and he was 33. We had been dating for a year. His parents hit the roof and offered me £5 K for an abortion and a holiday I declined. Ex went straight to work for the family business overseas so never paid any maintenance never paid a penny, never sent her a card and in 17 years no contact. He has no other children. He has no other relatives and has never married.

My ex husband took me to court 9 times, each time the court gave REDUCED his contact and even gave him a restraining order -he hit me and he pays the minimum CMS possible - he is senior teacher in a secondary school (state) he sees his son 6 times a year for a week each time - except on 3 occasions in the last 2 years he hasn’t turned up for contact with no excuses. He thinks he is father of the year. Son comes back from contact rude as Dad lets him do what he wants and has as much as he wants to eat and runs wild. He is a toy. Ex openly tells son he can be as rude as he wants to me.

so my experience of men - is they are shit. My ex husband even told his work he was too distressed and needed some time off as I was preventing contact when …. He didn’t turn up at a court ordered time and place. He was too distressed after apparently and had a week off work and blamed me - the reality was very different.

having his son when he wants suits him- I do all the grunt parenting and school work etc and he get to go out cycling 24/7 (hobby obsessed) good luck to him I’ve tried and failed to get him to be responsible and everyone believes his sob story

I don’t believe any one reasonable would stop the other unless there was a back story eg emotional abuse etc

This x100 but on MN that doesn’t count

No, don't know any women who've done this. It only hurts the children. Mostly it's made up bullshit by men who can't be arsed.

I know of one case of this, where the mother uses the child as a means of stopping her ex having new relationships. She won't maintain regular contact schedules, removes access on a whim, and is emotionally abusive. She has relocated once and DC have changed schools at least four times in the last three years. Father contributes more than his fair share financially, does school pick ups and drop offs (at her request, not in a routine) and has himself changed jobs and home in an attempt to maintain contact.

I realise this is a rarity: my own ex is a useless father, doesn't contribute financially and barely maintains contact, so it's even more saddening to see a father really trying, and being fucked over.

It makes me wonder, how well the couple acts knew each other BEFORE having kids when this sort of thing happens.

I think men and women, both ignore the red flags, before procreation.

The number of men especially who wouldn't get married because of the commitment, but they are so wreckless when having sex, knowing this can create a whole human and affect your future forever.