mcc, it is not my or anyone elses place to judge you- but it is clear by the fact that you have posted that you are judging yourself and don't like what you see.
Good people sometimes get to a place in their lives where they make bad choices and cause a lot of pain to themselves and many others around them.
My dh had an affair with a work colleague, nearly 4 years ago now- it was at a time in his life where he was "bored" with work, had too much time on his hands,felt not needed anymore and happened to be spending a lot of time with this woman.....we'd been together then 20 years , 3 children and we were happy BUT WE LET LIFE GET IN THE WAY OF US we stopped making time for each other and HE made the wrong choice.
He never told me how he was feeling, he never stopped us and said "there's a crisis in my life"....he always had that option but did not take it....instead he was selfish, foolish and saught escapism in a fantasy....it all ended in lots of pain for many people. I cannot stress enough how much pain and how much ongoing mistrust and saddness an affair creates. The ripples that go out from thge discovery of an affair are never ending- please stop and think, do you really want to cause so much pain for you, you other man, your dh ,chidren, friends, wider family, school friends, teachers and all of his family too? What I'm trying to say is take a reality check!!!! What you are experincing now is the heady, excitment of a fantasy relationship.....it is unlikely to survive the reality of every day life.
You have choices here please use them- surely you have enough love for your dh and children to tell your dh how unhappy you are , to seek to make changes. I'm not saying stay in a relationship if you are so unhappy BUT there are ways to change things and diving into escapism of an affair is not the answer it WILL become known , you WILL be hurt and a lot of people whom you care for will be hurt too.
MY dh (we are still together but we went to hell and back to get over this)can now see how blinded he was by the feelings he got from an affair- he got a ego boost at a time when he needed it- he closed his eyes to the obvious and jusrified in his own head what he was doing ....however all the time he was not really happy...it ate him up...he was confused and in pain ...he could never really enjoy the relationship because it wasn't real and when reality hit and it came out the relationship crumbled for it was just a fantasy not a true lovinglong term relatinship- he nearly lost everything he holds dear.
I would not wish the pain of an affair on my worst enemy- please don't put your loved ones through that......if you can't live the life you have make changes, make them openly and honestly not sneaking around and decieving......tell your dh you are in crisis , try to make him understand your unhappiness.....you may be surprised at how he reacts if you can make him understand that you are thinking of throwing it all away.
In a long term relationship it is easy to slowly, without realising, let life get in the way and you lose each other in there some where......you can choose to try and stop that and bring yourself closer to your partner.
My dh is not a bad man- but he hurt me so much when he made the wrong choices- we are closer now and in some ways better in our relatinship having faced loosing it all. I emplore you not to choose to bring all this pain to your life. You are already talking about this eating you up.....it only gets worse if you keep on this life choice.
I wish you luck and happiness.