Feeling like I'm beginning to not cope - marriage issues

[bean812]

I'm dealing with a few issues in my marriage and tonight things have escalated. My husband has been in a mood with me, giving me the cold shoulder for a few days. I'm quite used to that every now and then. Tonight he was rude to me about the dinner I'd help to prepare - I explained why I was upset and he just get so defensive and says I'm ridiculous.
Things escalated later on - I calmly asked if we could sit down and talk- he let me explain my side of things and he just interrupted me and said I'm 'just a big baby' and I'm always looking for an argument. This is so far from the truth. I just want him to sometimes understand how I feel about something. He just kept saying I'm a baby, and our sons know it, and they know he's the caring one. It was all completely untrue. I just saw red (again, very unlike me) and started shouting, defending myself. He said - oh there we go - and brought I'm some deeply private stuff I'd told him in confidence about my childhood and upbringing - in the midst of the argument. I felt furious and pushed him, so he took his phone out and started filming me..!
I'm feeling very delicate emotionally at the moment due to a recent pregnancy loss which really shook me - I've tried to carry on as normal but it has been so hard - none of the above is like me at all. I feel shocked, hurt and just heartbroken. He's always sort of taunting me to get upset or cross and then blames me for it all. Our boys didn't see the later bit, but did see us being annoyed with each other over the dinner table, even though I tried to ask him to stop and to talk about it later.
When things are like this I always feel like he's trying to make things worse so I eventually leave. It's awful. We've been married for 13 years and he has had a bit of a stubborn temper/attitude like this off and on for a while now.

Why dont you leave? He is emotionally abusive. Find a way to get out and dont get pregnant again.

I don't know - I feel like a complete failure about this - and what about the children. I feel like I can't tell anyone I know in real life about any of this - I don't know how to take the first step. I also feel like it's not my fault - he's always blaming me whenever we disagree about anything. For me, throwing the very personal stuff I shared with him back at me during and argument just feels like a final straw for me - I'd never do that to him.

Tonight, when we were in the midst of it all, I noticed he saw that the window was open so the neighbours could probably hear a lot of it - he just left it like that, almost laughing at me, making fun of me.

It is nit your fault. It is him. He is abusive. You need to make a plan to leave him. Do you work? Whats the housing situation? Do you have family?

He sounds like he enjoys goading you. Does this happen a lot?

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

It is precisely because of the children that you should be making plans to leave this relationship. It’s over between your H and you anyway because of the abuse he meets out to you, and in turn them. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no relationship model to be showing them and for them to potentially emulate as adults.

And you’re not the failure here, he is.

If you can go to a branch of Boots and ask for ANI you will be directed to domestic violence helplines.

Abuse like described thrives on secrecy, you have taken a small but significant step in writing on here. Keep posting here too.

Stop reacting to him. You don’t have to. You can walk away. You’re not achieving anything by the sounds of it. Put your energy into planning your next move, leave! Do you actually enjoy each others company at all? If you are getting on so badly do not get pregnant again or you really will be in a world of regret!

Thank you everyone. This morning is awful. He's been completely cold to me, ignoring me, can't look at me - saying the minimum. Yet he speaks to the children like everything is normal - he's happy, laughing, chatting. He's making me feel like I'm an awful person. I feel like it's all my fault, but it's not. He's so rude to me - all the things he said last night were awful - saying our kids know he's the caring one. It's all so untrue - they love me too. I can't stop crying - I feel like everything has gone wrong and it's all my fault.

I've thought about live if I leave for a long time. I don't want my children to have a broken home, but I don't want whatever this is. Any why should I leave? I want to stay and for him to go - he will never, ever do that - he can be the most stubborn, heartless person at times.

We do have happy times but this seems to all come in cycles. I can't quite explain it. Whenever I need help, or support emotionally, he just shuts right now, blames me - insinuates there's something wrong with me. Has threatened in the past to call the police, some help, my parents, a counsellor. There's nothing wrong with me or how I behave - I'm a really nice person. Sorry, I don't know how to cope with all of this. It feels so awful and unfair.

*life if I leave

Thanks - that feels extreme - the issue seems to be the person I married now either doesn't like me any more, or is just a cold, uncaring person - to me, that is.

Thanks. You're right and I've read about this before - I shouldn't react but it is hard not to feel upset (and at some times furious) when he says the things he does - often in a horrible sarcastic way. He often belittles things we've previously talked about in a normal way and mocks me - sarcastic about my work, my family, everything. As I write it down I realise how awful it has been.

I don't know if he struggles with his self esteem or something and is trying to make me feel small and insignificant to him. He never wants to spend time with me - countless time I've suggested things, tried to make time for him, find out what's wrong - he just doesn't engage. Everything I say and I sometimes seem so below him.

I have to ask him 'can you speak to me', 'can I have a cuddle' (when times are good even), 'can you look at me for a second'. What have I married.

The cycle of happy times you describe is the cycle of abuse - give it a Google. It's well known in abusive relationships. He doesn't struggle with his self esteem, he's an abusive arsehole like my husband. When my husband gives me the silent treatment, I often hum a happy tune in his presence as I go about my business. Winds him up a treat.
You do need to make plans to leave though, stop appeasing him, stop trying to give his behaviour excuses and instead start trying to look after yourself and plan your exit from this abusive man's control. Start caring for yourself and stop caring about him, he doesn't care about you. He really doesn't.

Look, I am a realist and I get that it really is hard not to react but actually when you get the reminder from someone it does help a little. Just try your best, walk away, give yourself 5. It’s really hard to argue with someone who doesn’t respond.
you shouldn’t need to ask for a cuddle either (quick note - I sat next to my now exH for a cuddle, he looked at me with horror and almost shouted ‘what are you doing’ like I was a piece of shit that would leave a nasty stain on him. I said I was just having a cuddle. I felt completely embarrassed. This was my husband. Needless to say the marriage was dead. I will never ask for love again - ever. It should be offered within the relationship - regularly)

He filmed you when you were upset?! That’s incredibly odd and abusive behaviour. Horrible.

It’s odd to film in the midst of an argument.

it’s also disrespectful.

you might off set up a camera to film him also.

you aren’t upset for no reason.

Marriages rarely survive contempt, and his contempt for you is palpable.

I don’t think it’s helpful to view it as your failure. It’s very common for a person who is abused to feel shame, but it’s misplaced. The shame belongs to the abuser.

I don’t think a broken home is as damaging to dc as a broken mum. Living like this is soul destroying.

I was married to a man like your husband for 14 years (together for 20) and left him in November 2022. My kids were 4.5 and 8 - now nearly 6 and 9.5.

Your husband is abusive like mine was.

The kids were what kept me there for so long. We had a lovely middle class life to all appearances - how could I implode that. In the end I left for the kids. The process of leaving has not been easy, but being married to a horrible man isn’t easy either. We are all so much happier without his toxic presence.

Your posts are all about trying to figure out why he behaves as he does. You’ll never figure it out because he does t make sense to treat someone you love like that. Whatever he feels for you is not love. I cannot imagine using sensitive personal information against someone I loved to win a fight. It wouldn’t cross my mind. My ex would do that - come up with the most horrible hurtful things he could possibly say, to shut me down and “win” (often it was a variation on me being fat, which I’m not). In the end it didn’t hurt me any more because I just thought he was a pig and none of his pathetic insults hurt me any more.

Your comment about the window being open and the neighbours hearing it all resonated with me. I remember him screaming vile abuse at me and the laundry window being open right onto our neighbour’s deck - they would have heard it all. I thought of that today when I was walking up the street with my amazing, gorgeous, kind, wonderful boyfriend and bumped into my neighbour and introduced them. I hope he was thinking “good on her for kicking the last one out” 😂 DP has shown me what love is - truly
patient and kind - but I would have already been very happy just with the absence of ex H. The peace and calm when you no longer have to tread on eggshells every day is just bliss.

Life can be so happy @bean812 - honestly 2 years ago I would not have dreamed I could be as happy as I am now.

It sounds like you are so used to his horrible behaviour that you can't see how bad it is. It sounds REALLY bad tbh. He is very clearly a deliberately nasty, manipulative bully. Everything you've described makes it clear he goads you repeatedly and on purpose to make you feel bad and at fault, and he wants other people (including your children) to see him as the good guy and you as the villain. If you don't end this, he will succeed. And he may ruin your relationship with your children in the process. Is this the model of a relationship you want them to grow up with?

Again it is precisely because and for your kids that you should start planning your exit and carefully so from this relationship. Your safety is of paramount importance. Your marriage to him is over really because of the abuse he metes out to you.

Stop also in trying to figure him out. He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so. He also does not have self esteem issues. Abusive men like your husband hate women, ALL of them. Its never their fault either, its always someone else's (in this case yours). What do you know about his family background?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar behaviour in your childhood home?.

Your H is also emotionally damaging his sons by treating you as their mother with utter contempt whilst being "nice" to them at the same time. This makes them confused, it certainly sends them mixed messages. You need to get them away from their abusive father before he harms them even more. It could only be a matter of time now before they start copying dad themselves (so as not to be a further target of abuse).

Just like you and Endoftheroad12345, my XH was exactly like yours.
After nearly 30 years, I realised I would never work out what set him off and go through those cycles of nice and nasty. Days of silent treatment while chatting normally to the kids.
Therapy helped so much and my like is fantastic now.
What's also confirmed I did the right thing, is what my daughter's learned from it. Although they love their dad, they know his ways and they have ended relationships with men how show similar traits. We talk about what makes a healthy relationship and I'm so pleased they won't fall prey to an abusive man.

I don't want my children to have a broken home
But they're in a broken home, right now.

You can't fix him, or fix the marriage. But you can fix yourself and your children, by leaving and having a calm, happy life where you treat others and yourselves with respect.

'Days of silent treatment while chatting normally to the kids.' This really resonates with me - it happens on and off all the time. It's almost like I can't admit it to myself. I've even asked him to stop ignoring me. Perhaps, as many posters have already said, I need to stop asking him to change - it seems to make things worse.

I find your message reassuring. How was the break up / divorce? I can't imagine he would make any of it easy - he's already very secretive about finances and his savings - when I bring things like that up he almost acts as if I'm some sort of gold-digger - I'm really not, I have my own career and we pay half for everything.

At this stage, I wish he'd just leave me and ask for a divorce, but realistically I think it will come to me forcing him to go and asking for a divorce - so that he can tell everyone it was all my fault. The whole thing feels like a nightmare.

Thank you to everyone for your posts so far - it feels very odd as I can't bring myself to tell anyone I know in real life. I've never told anyone any of it - other than on here and a helpline occasionally. When I write all this stuff I can see how awful it is - it's like I've been telling myself for years its ok, its going to be ok - but it just gets worse.

I feel awful. Before last night happened we had plans for tonight for Valentines - nothing big, just a takeaway together tonight but we never do things just the two of us so it was going to be nice. Now I'll just be ignored. I've been ignored all day, all evening - probably all tomorrow. Then when we speak in a few days he'll say he's got nothing to apologise for and will say he things I need counselling. How is this ok? I honestly feel absolutely hurt, especially as I've been through such an awful few weeks emotionally anyway.