Feeling like I'm beginning to not cope - marriage issues

[bean812]

I'm dealing with a few issues in my marriage and tonight things have escalated. My husband has been in a mood with me, giving me the cold shoulder for a few days. I'm quite used to that every now and then. Tonight he was rude to me about the dinner I'd help to prepare - I explained why I was upset and he just get so defensive and says I'm ridiculous.
Things escalated later on - I calmly asked if we could sit down and talk- he let me explain my side of things and he just interrupted me and said I'm 'just a big baby' and I'm always looking for an argument. This is so far from the truth. I just want him to sometimes understand how I feel about something. He just kept saying I'm a baby, and our sons know it, and they know he's the caring one. It was all completely untrue. I just saw red (again, very unlike me) and started shouting, defending myself. He said - oh there we go - and brought I'm some deeply private stuff I'd told him in confidence about my childhood and upbringing - in the midst of the argument. I felt furious and pushed him, so he took his phone out and started filming me..!
I'm feeling very delicate emotionally at the moment due to a recent pregnancy loss which really shook me - I've tried to carry on as normal but it has been so hard - none of the above is like me at all. I feel shocked, hurt and just heartbroken. He's always sort of taunting me to get upset or cross and then blames me for it all. Our boys didn't see the later bit, but did see us being annoyed with each other over the dinner table, even though I tried to ask him to stop and to talk about it later.
When things are like this I always feel like he's trying to make things worse so I eventually leave. It's awful. We've been married for 13 years and he has had a bit of a stubborn temper/attitude like this off and on for a while now.

Never be afraid of leaving, be afraid of what they will do next if you don't.

He absolutely loves upsetting you. He is the worst kind of cunt. Please get yourself and your children away from him before he does any worse.

I think you're right. I think it has been important to me to try to make him understand how I feel and to see my point of view. But he just doesn't. He will just act like I've got something wrong with me, or that I'm just wrong - or (if I'm crying) 'hysterical' or 'flappy' or 'panicing'. I'm none of those things and people that know me well know that I'm none of those things.

I think you're right. It suits him for me to be almost silent in our marriage. Stay in my little box. Don't have an opinion worth listening too. It's almost like the balance has tipped so far that it'd be better for me to leave the marriage. I feel ashamed that this is happening, like it's all my fault - that I'm too sensitive, too 'much' for him. He told me recently that I have 'too many emotions'. Says it all really.

Can I ask how you coped/cope with separating but living under the same roof? This is something I worry about hugely. He can be annoyingly petty if he doesn't get his own way, and I just can't be bothered to have to cope with all of that behaviour. I worry that things will get worse for our sons in that environment. Any tips on how you make it work?

Thank you for your supportive words. It's exactly as you describe - walking on eggshells, or not upsetting the cart. I would prefer to live on my own somewhere small with my children, than this.

Thank you - this really resonates with me. It is always behind closed doors or when others are not around. Never when we're in public or with others. In fact when we are out and about or at an event or something, he's completely different - putting on a dramatic front that he's wonderful - so charming and friendly to everyone he speaks too. I can't stand it.

I think you're right - if I imagine myself telling my closest friends I know they will support me, I don't need to persuade them. I feel like he will definitely embelish things to his friends and family, but does that matter in the grand scheme of things - I can't stay in this dreadful and unhappy marriage just to please people who don't really know me.

Thank you to everyone that has posted and been so supportive. I don't know what I would do without this group of strangers on mumsnet. I will tell my closest friends but first I want to get my thoughts and plans in order. I feel heartbroken by the whole thing - I once read that a women decides to leave her husband years before actually doing it - I understand that now. I've got a call with a solicitor soon so that I can understand the financial and legal side of things and what the risks are and so on. My number one priority is protecting my sons and making sure they have a happy and wonderful childhood and beyond.

Dear op, there is no shame in divorcing an abusive man. He should be ashamed but in all likelihood doesn’t have the capacity.

You have no obligation to carry on with this marriage. Divorcing is a bit like being in labour, you know how you’re told not to think about all the contractions that are coming your way but to concentrate on getting past the current one? All the different massive hurdles are too big to tackle all at once. Choose one : see a solicitor that you are sure he has no connection with, or talk to Women’s Aid if you are feeling too overwhelmed. Then you can choose what to do next.

Please stop waiting for things to improve. Your children need you to get this process moving. You are not ‘breaking up a happy home’ , it doesn’t exist at the moment. You are going to create a beautiful, calm and happy home without him. Rent if you need to but speak to the solicitor first as it might have implications.

I did all this over forty years ago, it’s been hard but not as hard as living with an abusive man. I left with a month’s rent, three children under seven and two suitcases as he refused to move out. You can do it too.

@bean812 I’m so glad you are going to talk to friends and also have a solicitors call lined up. That is amazing and brave and the right thing to do for yourself and your boys.
I have a son who is 11. Whilst he loves his dad, he has lived under a roof-full of tension and intermittent unpredictable flash-points for the last few years. I don’t want that for him or me for the rest of his time at home. It has been too long already.

It is still difficult living under the same roof.This time is hard and full of even more tension and pent-up anger his side /pent-up emotion my side too.
My mentality is it’s very much like running a marathon/training for a marathon. There are times it’s incredibly hard to power through but I know it’s worth it for the long-term result.
This time next year will look very different. It may still be hard in a lot of ways but at least I’ve been strong and broken a cycle of mental abuse.
My tips:

• I have leant on my friends and extended family for support.
• I told my line manager and close work colleagues some of what I was going through.
• I have leant on Mumsnet, taking advice and reading from OPs in previous/current similar situations. That has been very valuable.
• I take myself/my son out of the house whenever I can.
• I read up around narcissism. I read to escape generally.
• I am proud of myself for being stronger than I thought I ever could be.

I hate rocking the cart too but this cart was out of control and was going kill my spirit, break my hope and take my future if I didn’t stop it. You can do this too - it’s scary but it’s going to be worth it. You can message/PM me any time. I’m not out the other side but I already feel hopeful and you will too Xx

And every day the solicitors are underway is a day forward. Even if there is no ostensible tangible progress, things are heading in the right direction, that’s important to remember too Xx

hi @bean812

please message me or keep posting here if there is anything I can do to help. I remember so well how horrible it was. I hope you do leave soon but taking time to prepare a plan is no bad thing - I didn’t have a plan and stupidly just blurted out that I wanted time apart and it was pretty bad. Your H sounds similar to mine. When the time does come to end it I’d recommend telling trusted family/friends and getting the kids out of the house and even having someone with you or just outside to make sure you are safe. My H went completely psycho in front of the kids and it was horrible for them (for all of us). Not the first time he had done that, but still deeply traumatising.

I’d also advise you take steps to safeguard your share of joint funds. Seems dramatic but when you know you’re leaving and it’s over there is no harm doing so. My H cleared out our joint accounts which was all of our money - about NZ $30,000 in savings and about her $5k or so from the current account. I logged into banking on Monday to pay a bill and there was nothing there to buy groceries or pay the nanny.

That was November 2022. I am sitting in the family home that I bought off him, my kids are with me 12 nights out of every 14, my career is going from strength to strength and I am in a relationship with a man who truly loves me and makes me realise that what I had in my marriage - a relationship of 21 years - wasn’t love at all, or even an approximation of it.

Leaving my exH was very hard but it was the best decision I have ever made. I have never regretted it for one second. I feel like I have become the person I was always meant to bed. I am 42, nearly 43 - I have so much life ahead of me and I am looking forward to it now. You can do it too. ❤️❤️❤️