Feeling like I'm beginning to not cope - marriage issues

[bean812]

I'm dealing with a few issues in my marriage and tonight things have escalated. My husband has been in a mood with me, giving me the cold shoulder for a few days. I'm quite used to that every now and then. Tonight he was rude to me about the dinner I'd help to prepare - I explained why I was upset and he just get so defensive and says I'm ridiculous.
Things escalated later on - I calmly asked if we could sit down and talk- he let me explain my side of things and he just interrupted me and said I'm 'just a big baby' and I'm always looking for an argument. This is so far from the truth. I just want him to sometimes understand how I feel about something. He just kept saying I'm a baby, and our sons know it, and they know he's the caring one. It was all completely untrue. I just saw red (again, very unlike me) and started shouting, defending myself. He said - oh there we go - and brought I'm some deeply private stuff I'd told him in confidence about my childhood and upbringing - in the midst of the argument. I felt furious and pushed him, so he took his phone out and started filming me..!
I'm feeling very delicate emotionally at the moment due to a recent pregnancy loss which really shook me - I've tried to carry on as normal but it has been so hard - none of the above is like me at all. I feel shocked, hurt and just heartbroken. He's always sort of taunting me to get upset or cross and then blames me for it all. Our boys didn't see the later bit, but did see us being annoyed with each other over the dinner table, even though I tried to ask him to stop and to talk about it later.
When things are like this I always feel like he's trying to make things worse so I eventually leave. It's awful. We've been married for 13 years and he has had a bit of a stubborn temper/attitude like this off and on for a while now.

Of course if a friend told me this was happening to them I'd be very supportive

And I am pretty sure you wouldn’t think your friend should be ashamed either. Thus is how others will see it too.

Take it one step at a time; but you need to start taking some steps. No one else will take them for you.

Instead of talking to a counsellor (who should be suggesting you leave this abusive thug) contact Womens Aid after writing down some of his behavioural episodes including the strangling event. List it so it is fresh in your mind when you speak to them.

Stop trying to negotiate with and persuade your abuser to treat you decently, he won't as obviously gets a kick out of your reactions. STOP REACTING. Grey rock him (google it) as this will preserve your sanity and disarm him.

The shame is all his, not yours and for your own sanity and safety and that of your children, start getting your ducks In a row to leave. This relationship is over. He is poisoning your children against you.

Please dig deep and think of a life without this abhorrent man. He is neither a decent husband or father. You deserve a better life - start planning for it.

Why does it matter what people who aren't connected think about you?

The situation you are currently in, to put it mildly is not working. It’s not working on any level for you. Do you imagine that one day he is going to miraculously change? That he’s going to respect you, thst his abuse is going to stop, that he’s going to co-operate with you, that he’s going to act as your equal???…..because from what you’ve said, that’s as far from happening as thinking tomorrow the sky will fall. I simply cannot imagine why you would want to stay with this totally nasty piece of work. He’s not going to change, what you’ve got is what you’ll get forever and a day. Change is solely in your hands. It’s not easy, but if you want change you are the one who must instigate it. Seek legal advice, for your own future happiness please do it soon. I wish you well.

Hi op. I'm sorry you're in this situation and that things are not changing. I think that mainly you need to stop 2nd guessing yourself. If you chose to stay in the room because you didn't want to leave the kids then that's fine. It's him that has the issues and it's him that needs to leave not you. Don't be pushed out of your kids lives because you have to tow the line in case he gets mad. That said this situation can't go on either because things could escalate. You have to start thinking of your safety and mental health and if you have tried to speak to him and he won't listen or intends to keep you all in this hell then please start looking for a safe way out. I think you should.indicate to him how this is making you feel and you can see he's obviously very unhappy with you maybe be needs.to leave , he will appreciate the space away from you won't he op seen as he this unhappy to the point you can't even speak. These men make me sick to my stomach. You haven't done anything wrong op. Be strong and don't doubt yourself. Obviously pls think of any advice we give you with caution as we don't know what this man can do and don't want to put you in any danger. You know the situation best. Take it from there.

don't know if he struggles with his self esteem or something and is trying to make me feel small and insignificant to him

Thats exactly what it boils down to.

What have I married.

Id hazard a guess he’s a narcissistic/covert narcissist- it’s a personality disorder and your dh seems to have a lot of the traits. look it up op - it’ll probably be quite eye opening. Lots of good narcissistic abuse coaches on Instagram- Synful is a good one, also Elizabeth shaw and Dr Ramani.

You will probably start to get a lot of lightbulb moments the more you research it.

Thank you. Yes, I'm pretty sure he's got narcissistic tendencies. Over the years I've googled the things I've been through and a lot of them do match his behaviours towards me.

It's weird. Sometimes it's like I'm just not in a marriage at all. Today we spent the day as a family. I really didn't want to but I'd promised the kids so I put on my bravest face. He just blanked me the entire day. Giving me one word answers to anything I asked. Being normal and friendly with the kids. As if I've done something horrendous.

In fact all that's happened recently is that I shared with him some really tough stuff I'm going through. He acts like I'm an awful person, not worthy of his time.

Thank you. I honestly feel like I'm starting to have a breakdown. I really really want to just open up and tell a member of my family, but then that'll be it. I have to work out what will happen with the kids, our home (we have a mortgage), and he still has that video of the one time I reacted back). I don't know what to do. The thought of kicking it all off absolutely terrifies me, but the thought of being without him makes me feel free. I hate that my life has gone so wrong.

I know, you're right. Perhaps I just need to bite the bullet and seek legal advice. All that side of things is partly what holds me back - the kids, the mortgage. I k ow he has loads of savings that he's never divulged to me (another issue we have). I don't want his money, I just want things to be fair towards me. I really want to separate and him to move out for a bit just so I can think and get my head straight, but I don't think he'll ever, ever do that.

Just to add that I also feel really resentful that this is all happening whilst I'm trying to be a mother. Like he's trying to ruin my experience of being a mother.

He just blanked me the entire day. Giving me one word answers to anything I asked. Being normal and friendly with the kids. As if I've done something horrendous.

Silent treatment is the go-to punishment for a narc. He knows you’ll be mentally torturing yourself and tying yourself in knots wondering what you’ve done wrong.

They genuinely get off on it. Having you in a place of doubt and confusion keeps him in his desired position as the strong one, looking down on you like a puppet master. He wants you to suck up to him and ask “what’s wrong? What have I done”? It keeps you on the back foot feeling like you need to fix things. The best thing you can do is ignore him right back (grey rock)
What usually happens then is he’ll start to be nice again to suck you back in and you’ll be relieved his bad mood is over and just sweep it all under the rug.

Its mental abuse op and becomes so draining after a while you start to feel like a shell of your former self.

Like he's trying to ruin my experience of being a mother.

They are often fuelled by jealousy - especially of their partner. They are drawn to kind, empathetic people but at the same time despise them as they don’t possess those qualities themself. He knows you are an excellent mother and he is jealous of that - so he tries to break you down with insults surrounding your role as a mother and again, make you doubt yourself. They will often try to turn their dcs against their mum too.

I hope you manage to find the strength to get out op. At the same time please try to grey rock him when he’s trying to get a rise out of you.

One analogy I read on another thread was “imagine you are an Eagle and he is a rabbit - you are soaring high above him and can see exactly what he is, what he’s doing and why he does it”- knowledge is power and when you work out his motivation for doing the cruel things he does you will be able to ignore him and not provide him with the reaction he wants.

the thread is in relationships btw and is titled “Is this the Script? Handhold please” sorry, I don’t know how to link it. The op is in the midst of divorcing her narc husband and there’s lots of good advice on there.

OP, wise words from @theworldie

'He just blanked me the entire day. Giving me one word answers to anything I asked.'

'In fact all that's happened recently is that I shared with him some really tough stuff I'm going through. He acts like I'm an awful person, not worthy of his time'.

You really need to stop trying to communicate with him, it's like handing him a loaded gun. He is not your comforter, friend or confidant, he is your abuser and enjoying tormenting you.

Please, just 'Grey Rock' him and stop trying to work out why he's treating you with such contempt.

Start making plans for you and your DC.

Yes, you're right of course. I would be incredibly supportive of a friend in the same situation. It's crazy what we can tell ourselves.

Yes, you're right. I find the 'grey rock' approach very difficult indeed. This is someone that is meant to cherish and care for me. Instead, even when we try to talk things through, he mocks me, repeating what I say in a mocking tone. That's not normal is it?? I find it hard to do the 'grey rock' response as I feel so frustrated, sad, annoyed, and so on - I've done nothing wrong. I feel so hurt by all of this.

He is really behaving in a nasty way. You need to find a DV charity to help you leave. You sound brave, I’m sure you can do it. Silent treatment is v grim and manipulative

Just here for some support. I'm afraid last night things really blew up again. I feel like things are coming and going in cycles at the moment - so much so that a few days ago I even thought to myself 'he hasn't been weird with me, I wonder how long that will last'. And here we are.

We had a day trip with the kids and some friends yesterday. He barely looked at me. Only if the kids needed something that vaguely involved me would he speak to me - but not too me, sort of through the kids if that makes sense. Fine, I'm so used to all of that now - think I've forgotten what is normal.

Then once the kids were in bed, we had plans we discussed last night to watch a film together - something we hardly ever do. He even mentioned it very briefly in the bath/bed time, which I was surprised by. But, when the time came, we had a quick chat about some house stuff, then I actually mentioned how I felt during the day (huge mistake) - and after the 2 minutes of conversation, he just walked off and went to bed. Didn't say anything.

So - I went up and asked him about it, and how we'd discussed doing something together. He wasn't bothered. He said he wanted to be alone and go to bed and read. Fine. I usually don't mind, but we'd talked about doing this, and we hardly ever do anything at all, so I was feeling really miffed. He was acting like I'd made the whole thing up, even though we'd just spoken about it.

Evening ruined. I got upset (crying) and told him I'm sick of being ignored. Which always makes things worse. I raised my voice (another huge mistake) and he just started shouting at me about how I'm a psycho, and an idiot. He even flicked his fingers at me in the air in front of my eyes (I know, very weird behaviour) and started squaring up to me. I'm afraid I was really upset by this time. The neighbours probably heard everything as the windows were open.

Even typing this I feel like it was all my fault, but honestly I'm sick to death of being ignored all the time. Being provoked if I open up about my feelings. He shouted about going to the solicitor but we'd lose the house - that is all that seems to matter to him. It was awful. If it wasn't for our beautiful kids I'd leave in a shot. I feel stuck and constantly in the wrong.

Darl you need to leave @bean812

Please tell a trusted friend or family member.

Op your husband is doing this deliberately. He is not your friend and every time you tell him that you are upset he enjoys it.

At what point do you think you will think enough is enough?

Why is it so important to you that he sees your point of view? You say you don’t want to admit to friends and family what is going on. Why?

You won’t change him. You need to accept that he is getting what he needs from your marriage. His treatment of you works well for him, it gives him what he needs - hence he doesn’t leave.

He won’t go to the solicitor - that’s yet another threat to pop you back in your box.

Op this is no way to live - you need to work on you and the reasons you are not prepared to leave this odious man. You won’t change him this marriage satisfies him.

All the best op.

It’s important to recognise that how you are feeling and how you reacted yesterday evening is totally normal. None of this is your fault - people like this want you to feel it is, but it isn’t.
It shouldn’t be a ‘mistake’ to tell your partner how you feel.
You raising your voice and getting upset is a perfectly justifiable and normal reaction.
He is avoiding accountability. He is “telling” you (without speaking) that your feelings don’t matter, that your feelings aren’t valid. That it has nothing to do with him. You are left feeling confused and feeling partly to blame for your perfectly normal reactions.

How do I know this?
Because I have been through/ am going through the same thing. The cycle happened to me dozens of times over around an 8 year span.
Around 6 months ago , after an argument about him storming off and lack of accountability, I could not take any more.
We have separated however still living under the same roof until the legalities go through. There has been gaslighting and bad behaviour his side since. But I know I have done the right thing. In fact the subsequent bad behaviour has made that even more crystal clear (if it could be z).
You owe it to yourself and your children to take yourself out of this and create a happy space for your children and you.

Kids will much prefer to have a happier mum than a bigger, “lovelier” home. A lovely home is one that is free from this kind of perpetual abuse and conflict, and OP you deserve it. Believe me walking on egg shells is no life.
Speak to your closest friends and family this coming week. You have been suffering perhaps subtle but creeping and perpetual abuse. You can do this OP. I promise x

And just to follow on from my last post, after reading you were concerned about what he will tell other people if you do instigate a split with him. That is totally understandable, I have / have had those concerns too.
In fact I’m pretty sure he’s been telling his new partner (and maybe others, who knows) how crazy my behaviour is currently. How I have said and done things (upsetting things) which are totally untrue.
Whilst this still hugely upsets me, I KNOW those things are untrue. The people who know me and love me will know that too. Anyone with an ounce of common sense questions a partner who says their ex is crazy. In fact it’s a red flag.
So what I’m saying is rise above those worries. What you are facing is reality. Let them make up whatever they want - That’s not in our control now and never will be. What is in our control is to remove ourselves from this destructive and oppressive environment and “relationship”. X

Yes - i’ve been through this too.

I went crazy trying to explain why his behaviour was wrong to him (when we were married) and then, when we split, the reason I ended the marriage.

(1) he knew his behaviour was reprehensible. That’s why he only did it to me behind closed doors. He didn’t want to change. Being a total cunt and upsetting me worked for him. Frightening me and the kids into submission worked for him.

(2) the people who mattered didn’t need to hear chapter and verse to support me- they just did. I met my now-DP before I split with exH and I was so worried that people would think I cheated. Who gives a fuck. Everyone who knows me knows I’m a loyal person of integrity and a great mum. I’m sure there are a few people (his mum) who run with a version of events that doesn’t reflect well on me, but my kids and I know what life was like in our house and that’s all that matters to me. I became comfortable being the villain in other people’s stories.

OP, I read a lot of threads like this, and my DH has emotionally abusive traits so I do understand. But I am genuinely afraid your husband will kill you. You describe his pent-up rage and how he barely holds himself back, and that he's hurt you in the past. You absolutely 100% need to understand that by staying you are putting yourself and your kids in danger. Please get in touch with Women's Aid and put in a plan to leave.

This is a truly terrifying read of a woman, her children and a totally unhinged psycho.

You need to get away from him.
Please be brave and stop protecting him.

He absolutely hates you.
I would be very much afraid for all your lives.

Consider giving this thread to family and friends who love you so they can read the truth of your life and that of your children.

Get legal advice and use this thread to explain things.
Call Womens aid too.

You poor thing. You must leave. You are at risk and there is no way your kids will grow up not noticing this behaviour.

There will come a day when you wake up alone, happy and safe in your own home, with no dread about the day ahead and no walking on eggshells. You will be free to be happy. Try to focus on that and not on the short term disruption it will take to get there. The sooner you start the journey the sooner it will be over.