Feeling like I'm beginning to not cope - marriage issues

[bean812]

I'm dealing with a few issues in my marriage and tonight things have escalated. My husband has been in a mood with me, giving me the cold shoulder for a few days. I'm quite used to that every now and then. Tonight he was rude to me about the dinner I'd help to prepare - I explained why I was upset and he just get so defensive and says I'm ridiculous.
Things escalated later on - I calmly asked if we could sit down and talk- he let me explain my side of things and he just interrupted me and said I'm 'just a big baby' and I'm always looking for an argument. This is so far from the truth. I just want him to sometimes understand how I feel about something. He just kept saying I'm a baby, and our sons know it, and they know he's the caring one. It was all completely untrue. I just saw red (again, very unlike me) and started shouting, defending myself. He said - oh there we go - and brought I'm some deeply private stuff I'd told him in confidence about my childhood and upbringing - in the midst of the argument. I felt furious and pushed him, so he took his phone out and started filming me..!
I'm feeling very delicate emotionally at the moment due to a recent pregnancy loss which really shook me - I've tried to carry on as normal but it has been so hard - none of the above is like me at all. I feel shocked, hurt and just heartbroken. He's always sort of taunting me to get upset or cross and then blames me for it all. Our boys didn't see the later bit, but did see us being annoyed with each other over the dinner table, even though I tried to ask him to stop and to talk about it later.
When things are like this I always feel like he's trying to make things worse so I eventually leave. It's awful. We've been married for 13 years and he has had a bit of a stubborn temper/attitude like this off and on for a while now.

'I sat next to my now exH for a cuddle, he looked at me with horror and almost shouted ‘what are you doing’ like I was a piece of shit that would leave a nasty stain on him. I said I was just having a cuddle. I felt completely embarrassed.'

I can very much relate to this -similar things have happened to me - and that feeling of embarrassment and shame. From my own husband.

He is cruel, sadistic, and a snake and cancer in your home.

It's giving me chills to think of this man with the children.

Would you live with a poisonous serpent who took chunks out of you? Well that’s what he is, worse in fact, because he is harming those he should be protecting and loving.

As to figuring him out… it’s like the scorpion that wanted to cross the river on the back of a frog… the frog said: “If you bite me, we’ll both drown.” The scorpion assured the frog of course he wouldn’t do such a thing. They set off to cross safely together… Midway, the scorpion deposits a deadly bite to the frog. The frog asks: “Why did you do that? Now we shall both drown!”
I’m sure you know the answer: “It’s in my nature.”

Some men are like this.
The women who are killed every week in the UK by their “partners” and husbands I’m sure hadn’t figured out the nature of the beast yet either.
Save yourself, this man is beyond toxic and nasty. Almost any random man would be emotionally safer than him. Your descriptions of him are awful, especially the goading, the sadism is very disturbing.

It’s a diabolical form of thinking and makes no sense. Don’t waste anymore precious days figuring him out or appeasing him, you need to get you and the children to a safe place. An emotionally safe space is as important as a physically safe one, perhaps more so, because psychological trauma can last longer than physical traumas.

You must contact Women’s Aid and tell them everything you have told us ask for assistance in making next steps. You’re not alone, you can do this.

The most important takeaway is that abusers abuse because there is something wrong with their sense of wrong and right, it’s as simple as that.
Now just get away from this horrow show of a man.

Reading this made my stomach lurch and gave me anxiety, I can’t imagine living in it! You poor poor family. Huge hugs. 💐

What a total prick. Do what you need to do to get rid of him.

I know you want to protection your child. Please watch this video

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xh1XmLghCws

He's chatting happily to the children to make a point. 'Look, this is how I behave when I'm dealing with someone who worships me, looks up to me and does as I say. If YOU do all those things, then I shall talk to you again.'

I bet he doesn't even want to talk to the children. He's making a huge, deliberate point.

This video needs to be reported to Mumsnet as an information tool for families living with abuse. It’s so so important.

WHY does it have so few views? It’s expertly made and desperately needed information.

I feel awful. Before last night happened we had plans for tonight for Valentines - nothing big, just a takeaway together tonight but we never do things just the two of us so it was going to be nice. Now I'll just be ignored. I've been ignored all day, all evening - probably all tomorrow. Then when we speak in a few days he'll say he's got nothing to apologise for and will say he things I need counselling. How is this ok? I honestly feel absolutely hurt, especially as I've been through such an awful few weeks emotionally anyway.

Switch off emotionally, properly and seriously, switch off. Once you have switched off the emotion the rest will come easily, he'll no longer be able use the kids to hurt you, which is exactly what he is doing, mine did that to. In order to start thinking about leaving him you need to fall out of love and start to love yourself first and foremost, aside from the kids of course. And above all else, stop reacting, stop talking about emotions, just stop talking. Working on yourself first is important, there are self help books, you've lost your self esteem, you've lost your sense of self, you need that back. This person you call your husband doesn't care about the pain he is inflicting on you and neither should you and mean it. Don't let him goad you, after all, you don't give a toss anymore! Don't get embroiled into an argument, just say 'whatever' and walk away. Work on yourself, remember who you were prior to him. Stay strong and the rest will be easy. X

Staying in that 'relationship' would be failure.

Use this to deal with him until you can get out.

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

Your relationship appears to be over.

Actually, perhaps counselling for you wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. Just by yourself though, definitely NOT couples counselling.
A counsellor will help you see just what a despicable abuser he is, and with that sort of support, you will be able to decide what to do.

hi @bean812

The process of splitting was not pleasant.

I told him I wanted “some time apart” in November 2022 and he went psycho - in front of the kids (not for the first time) it was the day of DS’ 8th birthday party and his friends had just gone home. Then he took off to our holiday home and emptied our joint savings account. Tens of thousands did dollars. I didn’t realise until I went to work on Monday and found it all gone and not enough money to buy groceries. I managed to get him to transfer it back by threatening to involve the police. We are both senior lawyers, ironically.

He refused to move out until I found a property to rent for us to “nest” in (the kids stayed in family home, we rotated in and out). I rented that and furnished it single handedly - he didn’t lift a finger - I carried the oak dining table in by myself! By mid 2023 the nesting arrangement came to an end (I realise now in retrospect that was when he found a girlfriend) and I stayed in the family home and he in the rental property. I bought him out of the family home just before Christmas.

He has been vile the whole way through, framed me financially, won’t buy any clothes for kids to keep at his house, pays the bare minimum child support. Our kids need therapy because of the abuse they witnessed from him. He initially threatened to go for 50:50 childcare. but never followed through. (He has them EOW and they hate it). Our daughter had her first day at school in June 2023 and he didn’t show up, didn’t call to ask how it was, nothing. “You didn’t tell me I needed to be there”. Wild horses couldn’t have kept me from being there - I don’t need to be told
to show up for my kids. He is a good of a human being. I thank God every day for my wonderful kids - if it wasn’t for them, the regret and pain of spending age 20-41 with this shitty human being would be overwhelming.

It’s good that you work - I have a good job and salary and this had been my saviour. I have no practical or financial family support so have had to do it all myself. I am so proud of myself - I know divorce is perceived as a failure but ending my marriage and getting me and my kids away from him is honestly one of my greatest achievements.

also @bean812 - I second @aitchteeaitch
I had therapy and found it very helpful.

If I could do anything differently it would be to have therapy before I split, and to be more strategic about the split process instead of just blurting it out. All of our money was joint which is usually viewed as a good thing on MN but became v difficult for me over the year it took us to disentangle finances.

He’s abusive

get your ducks in a row quickly, take the kids and leave

@bean812 I was lucky with my split. He always used to threaten divorce in disagreements, so when I was ready, I said yes. That made it his idea.
After that he thought I'd change my mind, then he couldn't deal with it ( went on antidepressants ) and actually when we divorced I was very organised and composed. I'd had therapy and I was strong.
I had all our finances in a spreadsheet and proposed 50 50. I always wondered if he money quirelled away, but I was happy with what I had and am now pretty comfortable.
Also have a lovely bf who is nothing like my ex.
I do remember though when I was at the point you are now. Still trying to find a solution and feeling very downtrodden and anxious. It was so worth it though.
I'm a completely different person. I experience life through a completely different lens. It's like the sun came out on my life.

how did v’day go?

asked him if you don’t get cuddle from him, then from who? Another man? Is that what he want??

hated you in a relationship but not in a relationship. Ask directly what he wants? Given he doesn’t put any effort in a relationship, how you could stay happy?

awful person , just from what you describe I could feel what an eyesore at home.

With the filming after you pushed him. He might be already planning on leaving but he might want to fight you for the house and children. Paint you as the abuser with evidence.

You need to keep your hands to yourself. If rage overtakes you need to realise it in a safe way.

This is honestly exactly how it feels. It's like one big show to show me how he can be to someone who 'behaves'. It's the same if we're out and about as a family - one fake show to show the world how great he is. When we're home he's cold, has no time for me, passive aggressive and just so stand off ish.

We moved house not so long ago and we still haven't agreed curtains, furnishings, bits and bobs for the house. Whenever I discuss it he acts like I'm some awful person, nagging him about something terrible. I'm not a nag at all - I'm busy with my own career and the kids - I just think it's important to build the home together. I'm just made to feel everything I do or say is a waste of time.

Thanks for sharing your experience, it is really helpful to read this. I do think I would be happier if I left. I've thought of this for a long time. But I also feel like I'm letting the kids down. What if they grow up thinking like their dad does, that I'm this awful person. I guess they will think that if we stayed anyway!

I also worry about the logistics and finances. We own our house together but have a mortgage and I couldn't afford that all on my own. I don't think he would ever move out to rent for example and me stay - he wouldn't do the right thing or the least stressful thing for our children. He'd camp in the garden if he had to, just to prove a point - that's what I'm dealing with. I don't know how I could make it all work, unless other people on here have similar experiences.

It was pretty much as expected. He obviously threw away a card and chocolates he'd hidden in the garage (I accidentally saw them the day before). Like a mug I gave him a card, I know we'd argued but we also have about 15 years together. He didn't give me anything and basically ignored me, in the evening laughed and played with the kids and we didnt do anything together. This morning he basically ignored me but did his usual thing of talking to me through the kids. When you have young kids you can't fully ignore the other one, like he used to before kids.

Oh OP he despises you. You will never ever be able to get him to respect or care for you.
You’re there for him to take out his frustrations and feed his need to feel superior. What a a massive twat he is.

Well done for starting to do something about it by looking for support. You do not sound in any way unreasonable. You sound strong and smart. You’re better than him so he needs to bring you down.

Why are there so many men like this? Men who want another human to take out their misery on?

How are you going to leave?

I know, and I will do in future. I was just so furious with him and what he was saying. He says these vile things to me and then when I react, that's when he films me. I have to try to not react like other posters have also said. To give you some background he has been physical with me before, pushing, strangling on one occasion, hitting me on the head with a bottle, smashing glasses and going to bed. He denies it all and I have no proof as I'm not the type of person to film him doing it. He's never ever apologised for any of this, he just denies everything all the time.

Thank you for everyone's comments. It feels weird to share so much with a group of (lovely) strangers. I have previously done a bit of counseling and so I'll do a bit more, focussing on all this. I think that's my only step forward at this stage. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare to be honest. Perhaps in a few days he will speak to me again, but I'm beginning to not want to bother 'working it out' again. Why should I try so hard to fix things every time something happens. It's destroying me.

Strangling is a very dangerous sign and is present in virtually all cases where women have been killed by their partner. You need to get help to get out asap.

I know. This was a few years ago now, and I doubt he'd do it again. I just wish I'd left then, when life felt easier.