Feeling like I'm beginning to not cope - marriage issues

[bean812]

I'm dealing with a few issues in my marriage and tonight things have escalated. My husband has been in a mood with me, giving me the cold shoulder for a few days. I'm quite used to that every now and then. Tonight he was rude to me about the dinner I'd help to prepare - I explained why I was upset and he just get so defensive and says I'm ridiculous.
Things escalated later on - I calmly asked if we could sit down and talk- he let me explain my side of things and he just interrupted me and said I'm 'just a big baby' and I'm always looking for an argument. This is so far from the truth. I just want him to sometimes understand how I feel about something. He just kept saying I'm a baby, and our sons know it, and they know he's the caring one. It was all completely untrue. I just saw red (again, very unlike me) and started shouting, defending myself. He said - oh there we go - and brought I'm some deeply private stuff I'd told him in confidence about my childhood and upbringing - in the midst of the argument. I felt furious and pushed him, so he took his phone out and started filming me..!
I'm feeling very delicate emotionally at the moment due to a recent pregnancy loss which really shook me - I've tried to carry on as normal but it has been so hard - none of the above is like me at all. I feel shocked, hurt and just heartbroken. He's always sort of taunting me to get upset or cross and then blames me for it all. Our boys didn't see the later bit, but did see us being annoyed with each other over the dinner table, even though I tried to ask him to stop and to talk about it later.
When things are like this I always feel like he's trying to make things worse so I eventually leave. It's awful. We've been married for 13 years and he has had a bit of a stubborn temper/attitude like this off and on for a while now.

A very dangerous, toxic, and unacceptable environment has become normalised for you.

Will you contact Women’s Aid and the national domestic violence helpline? They accept coercive control as abuse, coercive control is now against the law and doesn’t need to involve violence.

They may be abe to get you a possession order and restraining order so you can remain in the house whilst he has to leave. Regarding finances, you will be entitled to universal credit to help with shortfall. Check this site to give you a general idea: https://www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=a5296d4b-276d-443e-8e06-8be4b9c1156a

Don't stay and give him more evidence to use against you.

Not to mention the signs for parental alienation. Don't let him ruin your relationship with your children.

Accept his offer of counselling. Or pay for your own if you have funds. Use the counsellor to get yourself strong, increase self esteem, motivation, belief in yourself so you can leave this abusive man.

Explore your worries and your fears with the counsellor.

So agree ‘yes I would like counselling’ but then in your head say ‘so I can leave you behind and have a wonderful life’.

Of course if you can just leave, leave. But as a minimum book that counsellor today. Start on the path.

He's trying to goad you. He's going to keep pushing and pushing - possibly he wants you to end the marriage (so he gets to be the 'good guy') because he wants out so he's putting it all on you. Grey rock, just being neutral, ignoring him ignoring you (with my dreadful ex I used to carry on conversations - addressing him and then basically answering for him, like 'I'm thinking about painting the living room, I thought grey, what do you think? Yes, I think it will add some light, and green for the curtains?') and just live your life around him as though he isn't even there. And get that counselling!

@bean812

Please start telling a trusted friend or fmsily member about the reality of your H and your marriage.

Mine was the same - physically abusive, lots of pushing, smashing, punching. On the worst occasion in 2015 he hit me around. the head and gave me a black eye and a fat lip for telling him it was his turn to get up to the baby. DS was one week shy of his 1st birthday. I never left - I was working part time and just had no idea how it would work. My family is fairly unreliable although loving and I didn’t feel I could tell them (and they would be of no practical assistance). I didn’t want to call the police as he is a lawyer (as am I! the irony) and if I made a complaint he could lose his practicing certificate and we would have (then) been screwed financially. Of course he didn’t offer to go. He beat me up so badly I thought my tooth would fall out. There was blood splattered across my DS’s bedroom wall. On that night I’ll never forget it - he just walked off to sleep in the spare room. I went into him and said “H I think I need to go to hospital, I think my tooth is coming out” and he just looked at me with utter contempt and said “Fuck off”.

He did go to therapy after that - 3 sessions and he was cured apparently 🤡 He never went quite so far again as I think in his head he thought if he did it again I’d go - but that he could do anything up to that point. So lots of smashing things, pushing etc. In mid 2022 he pushed me and DS - then aged 7 - defended me and he grabbed him and pushed him
and left bruises on his arm. I knew I wasn’t shielding them any more (I was deluding myself that I was before that).

Anyway my point is - tell people. I put in such an oscar worthy performance that people were shocked at the reality of our marriage and I am sure many people don’t really believe it. I have photos of my injuries and a couple of videos of exH going psycho, aftermath of him smashing up the kitchen etc - at the time I took them to show him to try to make him see he needed help. In the aftermath of the split I looked at them to remind myself if what he was like (it's easy to forget when things are going well). Now I keep them and he knows I have them
and if he ever tries to take my kids for more than EOW I will share them. Widely.

@bean812

Facebook has just reminded me that this day 9 years ago exH, 3 month old DS and I were having an idyllic beach holiday in a white sandy beach.

What the people who saw that post won’t have realised is that ex H called me fat and lazy all week bc I didn’t go on big hikes (3 month breastfeeding baby + crippling plantar fasciitis in both feet) and that 2 days in he threw DS’s (glass) bedtime bottle at the wall and smashed it because I was upset bc I’d realised he was making up the formula wrong. The one formula bottle DS had a day and H’s one contribution to looking after his son.

A man threatening you to call the police or your gp and whoever just because you dare to confront him or have reactions or opinion, is as cruel and abusive ,as it is. I think this is what made this lady who went in the river. I think her partner called the police on her and they did the welfare check , shamed her and ruined her life

You're married to an abusive man. There's no point trying to analyse why he does it as he won't change. You can change things by telling him you are not prepared to be treated like this anymore.

You can set a good example to your children and show them that this behaviour in a relationship is not acceptable.

Do the Freedom Programme, it is eye opening. I discovered that the abuse from my ex was so much worse than I thought as I had normalised it over the years.

Splitting up was the best thing that ever happened, the relief I felt on initial separation was overwhelming. Now I have a very happy and simple life.

Do you two still make love together? From reading your posts it does seem that whilst you've managed to teach him various things he is still hostile towards you, perhaps that is what marriage is anyway. I'm sure there will be an easier time to move or leave, how old are the kids? Perhaps as well, once they're more independent it will be a easier time for you all...

Oh lass, I have been in this exact boat even down to the goading so you eventually flip and then filming me. He is now my ex husband but didn't leave soon enough... It got worse and worse and became horrible physical abuse, blocking me in rooms, taking the bathroom door off it's hinges as that's the only place I could go to get away from him.

He'd also be happy and chatty to the children, well everyone else but me. He was arrested on the end after trying to smother me and almost succeeding. My friend called the police and he was chucked in the back of a police van, arrested because the officer saw I was covered in bruises. And still I stayed. It took another six months to leave, with help from local police, neighbours and family. Yes he is a total nutter.

The police and my therapist told me what he did to me was coercive control. Criticising and goading you then calmly watching you flip whilst filming you ... Google reactive abuse, it was a lightbulb moment for me.

Five years on and he's still dragging me through the courts because guess what, the children don't want to know him. He's already started to try manipulating them but they thankfully see right through him. He has moved on to his next victim but still won't leave us alone. Nasty piece of work. I really hope you have someone to help you get him away from you.

If you can, try to get the type of non-molestation order that forces him out of the house. I was advised to pack some stuff, get the kids in the car and escape but it then took four years to get him (via court and a shed load of legal fees) to sell the family home. I never got my stuff back either. But it's just stuff. Cost me a fortune in rent and legal fees but I never ever regret leaving. I can shut my own front door now and we are safe from him.

Awful hideous type of men. They need locking up. You are not alone and this is not your fault at all. They have a weird insecurity and bitterness deep within them lass, you'll never change them.

Thanks to everyone. I have been in touch with my counsellor to arrange some sessions, so hopefully I can start those soon.

I took the move this evening to try to talk to him. He talked to me but just smirked throughout at things I said. When I explained what he said that had cause me to feel so furious, he flat out denied saying any of it. He suggested I'm losing my memory, that I'm losing my mind. That I can't even remember what happened. I know exactly what he said, clear as anything.

He seems to be getting worse and worse. He won't get rid of the videos of me - says he's too scared to in case it happens again, so he has something to take to a solicitor..! He says he wants to stay with me and 'make it work' It's laughable as he doesn't listen to a single thing I say.

I find it hard not to analyse it, but hopefully some counselling sessions will help me with this. And will help me to try to share some of this with a friend or family member. Thank you, I'll look up the programme.

He does that a lot - often when we disagree about something. He'll suggest it's because I'm an idiot or low intelligence. I'm none of those things, just have a different opinion on some things. Not exactly a crime!

I'm sorry to hear this. Glad things feel better for you now x

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, it sounds awful. Some of it reminds me of the early baby days for us. Him never understanding the difficulties, pain, sleeplesness, just being annoyed or angry with me - but perfect with the baby and acting like that should be enough. I hope you feel happier these days. We all deserve a happy life!

Thanks. Ill try this. It's hard though isn't it, like accepting that life is actually awful with him, and ignoring that when he's right there. That's really hard to do. Hopefully my counselling will help.

That's the hardest part for me. Watching him trying to affect my children! My children who love me, I know they do. How dare he try to twist things in their minds. Another poster said he can't stand me - I think they might be right. It's utterly heartbreaking.

Thank you everyone. I don't know what I'd do without these supportive messages right now. I've contacted my counsellor to arrange things. A step in the right direction.

Even though I know you're all right, I can't help thinking I'm making a fuss, or being dramatic. It's crazy. I do think my mental health and self esteem has been affected over the years. I'm a lot more anxious than I used to me. A good friend even commented on that once- I just sort of laughed it off, but I think it's all linked. I also feel like a complete idiot - my did I not wake up to all of this year ago. Perhaps it wasn't as bad then, or perhaps I could be more independent pre the kids. I don't know. Really feel in the thick of it.

When we spoke earlier he was also basically suggesting I should be glad he hasn't gone to a solicitor. I thought 'I wish you had of, perhaps I'll go instead'.

how old are your kids @bean812 ? Is he hands on with them? I was “lucky” in that mine was/is pretty useless so never really fought for significant care of them. If he had I would have opposed and the abuse would have been used (by me) as evidence. I was terrified he would seek 50:50.

Have they witnessed any of his behaviour? Start writing to all down.

Yes, he's hands on with them, we usually share things between us - although I generally tend to do a bit more and do all the organising of clubs, clothes, all that sort of thing.
But I have noticed he does try to play so it's just the three of them a lot, trying to leave me out. I know that sounds weird, but he honestly prefers being with them and never me. I often crave alone time with them as it feels less suffocating when he's not there. That's awful isn't it.

I don't believe he'd ever hurt them, and it's more the verbal passive aggressive stuff they have witnessed, so hopefully a lot of it goes over their heads. They are 2 and 5 so it's a lot. I think the 5 year old is becoming confused by some of it. And I have overheard him telling our son that mummy is being stupid again.

He would definitely fight for equal care, no doubt about it.

This was my thought too. I'd think it's either to humiliate you or make out you're abusive to friends, family, SS. It's vital you disengage and walk away from these situations. As PPs said you need to switch off emotionally from him. Ignore the bad behaviour, stop trying to get him to realise he's wrong or to change, he's not capable of doing either of those things. Stick to things that need to be discussed, stick to facts, don't discuss emotions or séek support or even understanding. He's not able to be the partner you deserve, he's not willing to support you or empathise with you or care for you.

I've been here, I spent years believing if I could just make him understand somehow he'd realise what he was doing was wrong and he'd change, he didn't even want to and wasn't capable of doing so. I thought he was a good person, I was wrong. I thought I married a caring man who would support me through anything, I was wrong. I thought he didn't realise the damage he was doing, I was wrong, he didn't care. He needed an emotional punching bag and I was there. I thought if we could get to the bottom of what had happened, if he could really hear me for once, that we could fix things and go back to how they were before, I was wrong. Both in thinking he could ever see my point and in that what we once had was worth saving. You can't save him, you can't change him, you can't fix this.

You can make yourself as small as possible and try to cling on and eventually that will destroy you or you can step away emotionally and start planning so you can leave. I had to end things, I knew he wouldn't, I think he was ok enough with the status quo, he didn't have to look after the house, do anything with kids if he didn't feel like it, things were looked after for him, his life was easier with us together, my life is easier and better having left him. I'm sure he's told all sorts to his friends and family and colleagues, being away from him is worth it. I do miss my kids when they're at his, but even with that driving away from having dropped them off along with the sadness is an overwhelming feeling of relief knowing that I driving home to a house without him there.

Please get out. You are doing your children untold damage which will affect them for life.

Take it from me. Life as a solo mum is so much better. Not easy, but you and your kids will thank you in future not being in this toxic relationship.

This man is abusive. So was my Ex. If I brought up anything important, I couldn't help getting louder. He would then accuse me of shouting, and therefore ignore and dismiss the actual content, the words I was saying. It took MN to make me realise what was going on, and MNers held my hand through the divorce.